year review 2012, my word for 2013 and the beginning of all things...

I simply can't believe that yet another year has zoomed right on by...where did it all go??? Writing my year review...I am in awe at how so many things have changed in such a short time...how I have changed. Some years are like that. Last year this time...we had just moved to CO...our bed was in the dining room and our garage was chock full of boxes. Now I can thankfully say that we are (mostly) settled in. What a year!!! Looking back...we had a rough start. In Feb sometime...I came down with a mysterious virus that completely wiped me out. The doctors had no idea what it was and all they could say was...rest!!! I think it was simply my body telling me that I had to sloooow down. And there was so much work to do...unpacking a gazillion boxes...it made me dizzy.
My word for the year was open and, in retrospect, that's exactly what happened; I opened up. To the moment, to life, to all of mySELF. I allowed myself to share more and more of my art, my stories, my truth and my struggles.

This year also saw a constant juggling of family, art, blogging, photography etc. I just tried to do the best I could...constantly having to rethink things. I did a lot of art journaling, artist dates and reading; this helped me with managing the rest of it all. Every chance I got...I practised self care: pots of hot tea, inspiring magazines, sitting in the cool summer breeze and gardening. It was practicing to see the magic in the everyday stuff of life. It did me a world of good, let me just tell you:) And then...when Tara gave up her afternoon nap a few months ago...things changed! More re-thinking + re-planning required.

So much of this year was about home + family. After moving around every single year (!!!) it was so nice to put down roots and settle in. And after spending much of last year seeing Tim only on the weekends...it's so nice to have him here permanently and actually have routines and regular family life! We certainly don't take any of that for granted around here:) The best part?? Just having my whole family under one roof is a gift in itself!

Motherhood, mothering... being a mom! This opened me up even more than ever. Tara just sprouted up in every way...she's a darling little girl now and, I swear, just a minute ago she was a baby! She is so incredibly intelligent...and creative...and energetic! I can't even keep up with her anymore:) But here in this meeting place of love and nurturing...I have found the very best parts of mySELF. This is my girl and I love her so. So much so that sometimes it aches...in the very best way!! I am so incredibly proud to be her mom...to watch her growing up is an incredible privilege that I simply don't take for granted.

One of the things I did struggle with this year was...identity. Tim is African-American and I am Indo-Canadian...so how should we raise Tara??? I know how terribly important it is to instill a strong sense of identity in our children and I didn't want Tara to struggle with the identity crisis I did for most of my teens and even into half of my 20's. Should I expose her to Indian culture? This one was tricky...because I can't speak any Indian language, don't wear Indian clothing regularly or watch Bollywood movies...and I feel that the way girls and women are treated is deplorable. India is where I begin but it's not who I am. And then I struggled to identify solely Canadian culture and values.  But the one thing that stands out for me is that Canada is  a mosaic; we firmly believe that our strength as a country and people come from our diversity...so I brought that with me. In the end I decided that I was simply going to allow Tara to be herSELF...to let her excel in whatever she wanted to...to not allow her interests to be dictated by any culture...to not put her in any box. So...she loves gymnastics, taking photos, conducting science experiments, Dora and princess Belle... and she's learning how to speak Spanish!! She also wants to be an artist and a United States Marine officer when she grows up...thank you very much:) My deepest wish for her is to live her dreams...whatever they are. As her mom...I want to teach her to dream big...to let know that anything is possible.

My art took me to new places too. I felt so incredibly lucky to be published as many times as I was this year...and I was proud too, that all my hard work had paid off. For me....it is such an honor being published!Still...I struggled with insecurity, the direction of my art and so many frustrations. We all go through them, I suppose...but it's difficult when you're in the thick of it! What do I have to say, is it important, does it matter, am I good enough. It was all about letting go of the struggle and believing in my work. The more I got published...the braver I became about submitting my work! I took a month off painting during the summer to simply read and it totally inspired my work. A few of my fave books of the year? Sister Outsider, This I Know, Dare Greatly, Writing Down Your Soul and Hard Times Require Furious Dancing  (a book of poetry by Alice Walker). These books touched me , changed my art + my life !! Love that!

Through it all...I made a conscious decision to believe in my magic. We all have such unique gifts to contribute to this world...life is short and none of us will pass this way again. So...I took a deep breath decided to get out of my own way (easier said than done!) and...forged ahead. I decided to accept where I was instead of wishing I was somewhere else in my journey...and accept all the blessings that came with it. After re-reading Sister Outsider I decided to not only accept my outsider-ness but to celebrate it as well! I actually made a journal called...the Outsider Journals (more on this soon!!)

We were very fortunate to have road trips, adventures, artsy trips and weekend getaways but the memories that were the most dear to me was going to Canada! I started feeling terribly homesick all of a sudden and when I told Tim...he surprised me with a trip!! My husband is just so thoughtful and giving...I am lucky to have him. Seriously..he has a heart the size of Texas! Anyhoo...it was wonderful just being back there and showing Tim and Tara around. The biggest gift of the entire experience was this ...sure, I missed Canada but my home is right here with these 2. And...I'm raising Tara as an American, albeit a very liberal one:)...because well...she's American!!!

I did a very revealing interview with Rita Banerji this year and, because we had forged a friendship that was based on mutual respect and trust, I was able to open up as much as I did. I firmly believe that our stories matter...deeply and truly I believe this in my heart. Yet... sharing incidents from my past that were/are deeply painful and powerful took a lot of courage. But I knew that sharing my story brought me a step closer to healing and maybe, just maybe, I could inspire others to share their truth as well. This interview is one of the things I am most proud of this past year.

There were two incidents this year that deeply affected us as a nation...and me personally. They both involved guns. The first was Trayvon Martin and the second was the Newtown massacre that just happened...that is still fresh and raw in our hearts and memory. About a week ago I decided that, instead of ranting (like a completely crazy woman) on Twitter  about gun control, I am going to become more politically active to that end. I am raising my daughter here and I am shocked and saddened by the gun violence in this country. I'm also terrified for Tara...for children everywhere. I believe that everything is political and this is no exception. I believe that we can hold grief and anger at the very same time. I believe that we can channel that into change and activism. I believe that our children require and deserve us to advocate for them.  I believe that we can be patriotic and want common sense gun laws. I believe that this is not a partisan issue. I believe that most Americans want this as well.

And...my word for 2013??? It's this right here...DARE!!! I had been thinking of a word around October and...when I read Dare Greatly by Brene...it just called me. greatly:) And really...the word chose me, I am sure of it! So...I dare mySELF to

*live authentically

*be vulnerable

*love wholeheartedly

*sometimes...be silly:)

*take risks

*say No! when necessary

*forge my path (even when I can't see ahead...which is always)

*trust that things are exactly where they should be

*do my work

As I look ahead...the year hold so many promises and possibilities. Some I know...most I don't. I am excited, nervous and hopeful. Things feel fresh. Usually I get really sad around this time of year...but now ...things feel different to me somehow. With my 44th birthday a minute away (next week!) , I feel  a sense of urgency to cherish each moment, be fully present and shed layers of unnecessary baggage.
I feel as if every single day...is the beginning of everything. I am excited about what the coming year holds.

Also...I am  inspired by my art journey in 2013...I feel like it's going in a new direction. It's all about having faith in the journey. Feels good! I want to get in touch with the elemental in me...the raw and the rich. I feel very strongly about it...and a sense of urgency too.

“Be wild; that is how to clear the river. The river does not flow in polluted, we manage that. The river does not dry up, we block it. If we want to allow it its freedom, we have to allow our ideational lives to be let loose, to stream, letting anything come, initially censoring nothing. That is creative life. It is made up of divine paradox. To create one must be willing to be stone stupid, to sit upon a throne on top of a jackass and spill rubies from one’s mouth. Then the river will flow, then we can stand in the stream of it raining down.”

-  Clarissa Pinkola Estés, Women Who Run With The Wolves: Contacting The Power Of The Wild Woman

This is a current work in progress...so happy with it!

Now...goodbye 2013...you have been so very good to me this past year. You have kept us in grace and given us a sense of home + heart + health. And so, dear friends, as we go forward in magic + light...let us hold each other close. Let us always keep what's truly important in our hearts. And even when  grief and sadness are visited upon us...let us still keep the beautiful + true in our souls. Wishing you all the very very best in the coming year...see you on the other side!!! xxx

a Xmas wish

"The time will come, when with elation,
you will greet yourself arriving
at your own door, in your own mirror,
and each will smile at the other's welcome
and say, sit here. Eat.
You will love again the stranger who was your self.
Give wine. Give bread. Give back your heart
to itself, to the stranger who has loved you.
all your life, whom you have ignored
for another, who knows you by heart.
Take down the love letters from the bookshelf,
the photographs, the desperate notes,
peel your own image from the mirror.
Sit. Feast on your life." -Dereck Walcott

 

I wish for...
courage.
vulnerability.
even when I want to hide.
even when i tremble in fear.
especially when I tremble in fear.
at loss. at heartache. at pain.
being able to walk into grief. wholeheartedly.
into joy + possibility too.

I wish for...
the everyday stuff of life.
birthdays. celebrations. family.
making the ordinary ...extraordinary.
there is no some day.
there is fullness of heart.
there is now.

I wish for...
mindfulness.
wisdom.
hope. joy. love.
being in this very moment.
taking nothing for granted.
filling up my heart with love and light.
knowing that everything is impermanent.
being fully present. it's the greatest give I can give.

I wish for...

the ability to do my work.

whether it's painting, writing, loving, political activism  or planting a garden.

it all pours from my soul. with whole heart.

and it all matters.

“Sometimes I need
only to stand
wherever I am
to be blessed.” -Mary Oliver, Evidence: Poems

Dear friends...all of these things I wish for me. for my loved ones. for you too.
Wishing you all a very merry Xmas from us over here.  xxx

"light from the sky"

There is a palpable sadness everywhere...hanging thick in the air. Xmas is right around the corner...but I see so much sadness and grief in everyone's eyes. The Sandy Hook massacre has affected us all. I see moms holding their children tighter, more hugs ...tears just below the surface. As more and more details emerge about the heroism of the teachers and the simple joys of childhood that were shattered ...the nation is reflecting. I received this beautiful Xmas card from my sweet friend Jane today..."light from the sky", it reads. And it's just what I needed. It's so difficult to move into the season with joy when I know that so many families are grieving. When I know that this could very easily have happened anywhere in the country. 

This incident has struck a chord with us all. While we try to grasp the impermanence of life, the WHY of it all (as if there are answers), the vulnerability of our children, our deepest fears of being powerless to protect them...and yes! our anger as well. Raw and tender feelings of rage, helplessness, overwhelming sadness have come to visit me this past week...but through it all ...some of the parents I have heard have shown the most amazing acts of courage and grace. I know that for them, the journey ahead is fraught with pain...and so I pray that we can hold their healing hearts with "light from the sky".

As I take a break from my blog for the next week to spend time with my family...I am going to move into the season with so much gratitude. I hope you all have a wonderful Xmas...full of love + light. xxx

"our hearts are broken"

I didn't find out about the horrible shooting until Friday afternoon...Tara was at school and my heart sank and wept. The nation..and the world...is held in a space of shock, disbelief and grief. All of Saturday...I watched the news...wanting to know more about each little child, the (she)roes and heroes. I cried and held my loved ones close...I lit candles and prayed for the families of those lost. I cried some more. I ranted on about gun laws and stayed close to home. On Saturday evening I listened to the father of beautiful 6 year old Emilie, Robbie Parker speak and was stunned at his grace and spirit. I listened to President Obama speak and I can only agree with with what he said..."our hearts are broken". I cannot imagine what these parents are going through...how you can sent your little one off to school in the morning and then...to have this happen. I cannot imagine what the families are going through, how this little community has been assaulted in this way. I can't understand why we can't protect our children. What I do understand is this...we, each of us, have to treasure each precious moment.
*hold our loved ones and tell them what they mean to us.
*look our for one another.
*reach out. 
*life is fragile.
*there is so much in life we simply cannot understand
*we need love and hope.now.more than ever.

altered art fairy doll DIY

I picked up this book from the library last week and Tara and I decided to make some altered art. The projects in this book are super simple, adooooorable beyond words and are a great starting point for more complex projects. I have never done altered art before but have always been interested in it...so this was the perfect opportunity. My goal was to get Tara to do most everything by herself...she picked the project and the materials and I helped + guided her.

This was the lady that caught her eye (isn't she too fantastic??)..."Doll of Eclectic Origin"...perfect!! So... we used her as a staring point...not wanting to exactly copy her.

So we looked around the house and found our materials...an old lampshade that was damaged during our move; I ripped off the fabric and ...it's perfect for her dress!! Some fabric, ribbon, paper flowers, sparkly tissue paper, buttons...

A sheet of watercolor paper becomes her bodice!! Here's Tara painting it...love the gorgous bright colors!

Here's Tara placing the rolled up piece of paper into the lampshade base. Perfect!! I used duct tape on the inside to keep it all together.

Next I fashioned the wings out of 20 gauge wire (I have all sorts of cool + funky stuff in my studio!!) and then...

added some pattered paper + glue = beeeeeyoooootiful fairy wings!!

Next...Tara wanted the sparkly tissue paper for her dress. Then she added some paper flowers, ribbon and fabric roses. I added the wings (more duct tape!!).

Another view...isn't she gorgous???

 Tara wanted to add flowers to her dress...

Then we added a photo attached to a wooden ice cream stick...a glittery crown (of course!!) and ta dah!!!
Tara is excited beyond belief!! The best part??...seeing her face in wide open excitement at what she created!! Next...we're going to try our hand at the travelling circus:) Thanks for looking!

starting to feel like Xmas!!

We have our tree put up, found some Xmas lights and there was a huge snowfall a few days ago ...so ...it's starting to feel like Xmas over here!! Last year, we were in the process of moving (from San Diego to Co.) and...didn't really get to celebrate Xmas properly. There was a whole lot of packing and transition...we arrived in Co. 2 days before Xmas!! Now...looking back at it all...I really don't know how we made it through. So this year it's all about home and family and ...simply being grateful.

There's lots of baking going on for Tara's school etc. I found an amazing gingerbread cookie recipe that's not too sweet and very gingery! Lots of glittery candles everywhere and our entire house has turned into sparkle city!! Tara is so excited I think she's going to burst:) There's gingerbread houses, writing letters to Santa and Xmas music! But really...for me, it's all about savoring this magical time, looking at things through Tara's eyes ("mommy, am I  Xmas yet??") and on and on. Her fave. Xmas ornament is a sparkly pink elephant...who can resist??Things are hectic and sweet. And I am just taking the time to savor it all. Hope you are too:) xxx

stories carry us

“The world isn't just the way it is. It is how we understand it, no? And in understanding something, we bring something to it, no? Doesn't that make life a story?”

                                                                                          ― Yann Martel, Life of Pi
Yesterday we went to watch the life of Pi. I read the book (twice) when it first came out and...I was enthralled. An Indian boy and a tiger crossing the Pacific on a raft...add a shipwreck , flying fish + a carnivorous island and you have storytelling at it's best. Was it true? Did it really happen or did Pi conjure it all up because the truth was much more difficult to face?  In the end though...none of that matters. What matters...is the magic of the story. Does the story hold us and ...carry us into it's heart?

“Stories, like people and butterflies and songbirds' eggs and human hearts and dreams, are also fragile things, made up of nothing stronger or more lasting than twenty-six letters and a handful of punctuation marks. Or they are words on the air, composed of sounds and ideas-abstract, invisible, gone once they've been spoken-and what could be more frail than that? But some stories, small, simple ones about setting out on adventures or people doing wonders, tales of miracles and monsters, have outlasted all the people who told them, and some of them have outlasted the lands in which they were created.”― Neil Gaiman, Fragile Things
Does the story trust us with it's vulnerability...it's beauty as well as it's ugliness? Does it take us to a different place? Because...stories carry us, don't they? They carry us through pain and unimaginable loss...through hopes and fears. They carry us to our best + worst selves and into uncharted territories. Our stories carry us deep into the human heart...where we, all of us, experience the deepest of sufferings and the highest of hopes. Sometimes...they simply carry us when we are unable to stand. Most magical of all, I think, is this...they carry us to the places we have not yet seen, the person we have not yet become.

re-thinking/re-planning/re-scheduling

Lately (the past few months)...Tara has completely stopped taking her afternoon naps!!! This has forced me to re-think/re-plan/re-schedule...everything!!! Before, we would both take a little nap (it was the best!!). Then...even though I would be exhausted in the evenings after I put her to sleep...I could still come into my studio and paint until 1 in the morning. But now...it's a completely different story!! Our days are full of driving her to "school", classes and play dates. In between...we manage to make time for science experiments, reading and writing, arts and crafts and going to the park. Plus there's b-day parties, celebrations + Xmas coming up. Keeping up with a toddler is exhausting ...ahem...at my age, that is:) So...a brand new schedule is in order over here.

I have deliberated...should I put off my art for a little while?? But I came to a resounding...NO!!! Besides keeping me (relatively) sane...it's an absolute necessity to me. I'm going to be an old lady one day (maybe with a hundred books + cats all around) ...sipping pots of tea...painting away. It makes me happy. So...alternatively...I have decided to cut back on some other things...uh...like housework:) Seriously though...I just squeeze in painting time when I can these days. A little bit here and there add up. Plus...I spread some of my stuff on the kitchen counter to give me easy access throughout the day. every small step counts! And because i crash right after getting Tara to sleep at night, I am able to get up pretty early in the morning now...like 4:30 to 5!!

Life is all about adjustments + changes...growth. At the end of the day...this is what's truly important to Tim and I...this beautiful smiling girl right here. I want her to know that I am there for her...while also being there for mySELF. As I send her off into the world...I know that right now she is looking to me...for the answers on how best to be herSELF. This is  a pic of her today before she went to school...happy + bubbly!

Our mission these next few days...to find some Xmas tree lights!!! Everywhere we've been..they are all sold out!!! Hope you all have a great weekend. xxx

my studio!!!!

I am so happy to finally be able to share pics of my studio with you!! I just cleaned it up a few days ago...otherwise it looks like a hurricane blew right through here:) This is my cosy reading/writing/thinking corner. Hardly ever sit on the chair but ...whenever I have some free time...you can always find me in my reading nook...with a cup of tea. Love the light in my studio...I have 2 large windows that give me tons of natural light.

I put my art/creative/inspirational books in my studio. The door on the side leads to a huge closet that I converted into my office (computer/printer etc).

My studio desk...things are pretty crowded (yup...this is after I cleaned things up!!). That's an Amy Butler duvet cover that I converted into a chair cover. And I love that Ikea cart...I picked it up a few months ago and it is the best thing for all my paints etc that I want close at hand...but not on my desk.

A closer look...I set up a makeshift altar on my studio desk. Things I love and hold dear. Tons of pics up on the wall...inspirational quotes or empowering/beautiful images.

My sewing corner...it's very small and simple and I love it!!

A peek into my closet turned office. It's really cosy + functional and the best thing is I get to keep my creative space separate so things don't get all jumbled up!!! Also...the blackboard on the wall started off being for me...but Tara loves drawing on it! works out well in keeping her occupied for a bit while I send e-mails etc:) My studio is definitely a work in progress and I continually move things around...but so happy with it for now. Thanks so much for looking!

there is heart in hope

I have written about this issue so many times on my blog...but every single time I start...I am at a loss for words. How do I write about this? How can I say what I want to say without using so many numbers and statistics. Over 50 million (yes, million!!), 70 million or 100 million girls and women missing?? No-one really knows the numbers. I mean, there is no real way to calculate female fetuses and girls that are killed in the womb through sex elective abortions. There is no way to tell how many baby girls are suffocated to death...it's all very hidden so it's impossible to get a real number. But when you see a very skewed gender ratio in India and China...you start to get a clearer picture of the magnitude of the gendercide that is happening right now halfway across the world. But really, it's only a heartbeat away...because these girls are our daughters...these women are our sisters. This is what's true.                                                   

                                            (a sketch I did called... I am your Sister)
When we were in Vancouver a few months ago, I went to see a special screening of the movie It's a Girl. Afterwards..I plunged into a dark place. I cried and cursed and ranted on and on. Then I cried + cursed some more. It broke my heart. And it pissed me off. And in between all of that...I  was ever so thankful that Tara was not born in a culture and society were this was permitted. But then something happened...a shift in me, in my heart + mind. There are millions of Taras that are not permitted to be born there...that are never allowed this most basic right...the right to live!!! And I realised that it is not enough, not enough, not enough...for me to be grateful that my daughter was not born there.

Rita Banerji, who is doing the heart wrenching work of addressing this atrocity, has been trying to get heard at the United Nations. And...it's finally happened!!! Currently the U.N. does not recognise gender based genocide as a human right violation. Rita is trying to change that. She is going to present this genocide at a U.N. conference in Vienna and she needs your help!! Can you please sign this petition right here  to say that women's rights are human rights!! Because there is strength in our voices, there is courage in our actions and there is heart in hope.