My He(ART)-Full Life

Monday, November 26, 2012

on the other side of broken

These past few weeks I have been taking an unexpected (mini) break from my blog and sifting through my dreams and struggles. Writing, writing, writing everything down..navigating the geography of my heart to make my way to center. I am in kind of a strange place right now where things feel scary and overwhelming yet...familiar too. As if I have been here before, as if every single step leading up to now...has prepared me for this time. It's a place that is full of possibility and shining...yet heavy with pain and loss. It's right here that I have the opportunity to stretch, to grow my move beyond who I am and step into who I am becoming. Ever since i picked up this book a few weeks ago, I have been writing down my soul. all my stories...some long forgotten + some that I am creating as I go along. It's deep + difficult + good. I am on the other side of broken.

                                        (On the Other Side of Broken, archival print available here!)
For so much (most) of my life, I was broken. So so broken. Straggling along, pretending to be something I was not (whole) and...flitting in and out of other people's lives + dreams, not even thinking about what I wanted. I was just limping along trying to hold all my pieces together, living in the past trying to make some sense of my childhood. Not trusting in my voice, dumbing down, going along...this was how I lived my life. There I was...navigating the fault lines of scars + sorrows. I didn't want my life defined by wound-ology...but I didn't know any other way. But little by journey unfolded and my work found me.  The spiritual, mental and emotional work of finding/creating/loving/healing/trusting mySELF. It found me and has prepared me for now...the other side of broken. And what does this place look like??

Well..I think it's different for everyone but for me, it's all about... allowing. whatever emotions/moods/thoughts come about...I  allow allow allow. It's difficult and takes diligent practicing...every single day. And here's the paradox: the other side of broken allows us to be broken. No shame/blame/hiding/fixing. I still struggle struggle struggle...with pain, inadequacy, loss, not being enough. Some days I struggle with guilt so deep and wide...should I put off my art until Tara is older and in school? Should I get more rest so I can actually spend quality time with Tim instead of passing out on the sofa...exhausted, should I cross out some of the stuff on my (very long) to-do list?? Some days I struggle with depression...of things I wish that were but ...are not. Most days I feel that life is just zooming on by and I really should slow down. These are human struggles... aren't they? But...this place is different. my marriage + mothering has allowed me to blossom because it has given me roots + wings both. My friendships now allow me  to grow and flourish. And my art + blog allow me the space to create and write from my heart and soul. In this place I can set boundaries, speak my truth, walk away or be intimate. In these  places I am not trying to be someone I'm not. In this place i can claim all of my pieces with dignity, strength and grace...even the shameful pieces, the hurt ones and the very very broken ones. In this space I have people who love and support me through it all (never had that before), who accept me, who will witness my pieces and hold them in  a space of...allowing. Simply...allowing me. to. be. me. And with this gift in my hand + heart...I can journey to all of these places within mySELF. To the other side of broken. I believe the same is true for us all.


Kelly said...

Love this post! Love you! LOVE, LOVE, LOVE...

Nikki said...

Please please please don't set your art aside. Children learn from their parents' example. My mom was very involved in creative endeavors when I was small and I never felt like I missed out on anything. On the contrary, I grew up with confidence in my creativity and my ability to learn about and accomplish all kinds of things. I knew I could because my mom did. Share your art with your daughter - you'll both benefit.

ArtPropelled said...

A touching post, Soraya. You are obviously on the right/write ... track. Writing it all out. I know this works because I wrote screeds to get myself through the overwhelm of my mom's illness. Writing Down Your Soul is on my wishlist.

Anonymous said...

hey soraya,
we are in synch again! i just posted about being the sensitive kind and not apologising for it
that same flower in buddha's footsteps card is on my mantlepiece with candles in front of it, too ;)
thanks for your gift of honesty, and i love the new piece...many hugs!

laurie said...

so many of us are broken - we came of age in the midst of chaos and there was no one to show us how to be anything else. but we did the best we could, using the best we had, at the time. now that our lives are on more stable ground of our choosing, we sift through our past and heal. that book your recommended looks wonderful, a must have.