week in pics...

I have been chasing light...looking at things in new ways, getting outside as much as possible and being present to the moment...to my life. It feels so refreshing, new, delicious, breathtaking...rather than the multitasking, exhausted, weary days I had been keeping for the past many months. I am filling up my well...

 Nature walks...admiring the flowers, trees, heavens, moon and rainbows all around me.

 Making time and space to play with paint...experiment...create...

The absolute shining bright moments of our week...watching Tara do her end of year gymnastics routine and receive her very first medal!!!! Tim and I were so very proud of her...I started tearing up. I still see her as the tiny baby she used to be but all grown up and poised as well. Here she is ...shining bright and radiating joy!!

xxx

unearthing oldness and bringing in newness

 

 "To be ourselves causes us to be exiled by many others, and yet to comply with what others want causes us to be exiled from ourselves"

                                               -Dr. Clarissa Pinkola Estes

This past little while has been a huge period of growth for me. It's involved unearthing so many old stories, rewriting new ones and bringing me to a place of right here, right now. I'm giving up (slowly...little by little...bit by bit) all these pieces of who I used to be, who I thought I was, who I wanted to be...and making room for who I really truly am. It's  a process, friends. It really is. But it feels so good to simply embrace...me!!! Some of the things that are facilitating this (somewhat daunting ) process...

*reading. I am a voracious reader and I find, that...for me, books really give me insight, tools, courage, direction. I could go on and on.

* journaling!!!! I write and write + write some more. It's cathartic. I used to diligently do my morning pages for the longest time...then I fell off the wagon + I seriously miss it!!! Gotta get back to doing them but until then...there's nothing I love more than having a cup of tea and writing in my journal. Good stuff!

* photography!!!! Vivienne McMaster's Be Your Own Beloved class. Seriously, folks...this class is opening up my heart + eyes and making space for me to accept who I am right now. Most of the pics in this post are from the class and I am seeing in a new way. Absolutely + totally recommend it!

*painting!!!

 

Getting back in my studio and painting...and just really letting go and enjoying the process. Not really wanting to create a  finished painting...just putting paint on canvas and pulling and pushing...stepping back. Allowing. Seeing what wants to happen.  also...I totally rearranged my studio and I am completely in love with the way things are but...now I want to repaint my walls. Eeeek! All the work??? Taking everything out of the room, all the stuff I have up on my walls. Not sure if I'm going to go that route right now...the walls are a sunshiney, buttery yellow (which I love) but I was thinking I want more of  a neutral in there like a warm and moody gray.

OMG!!!! I can't believe I'm actually posting this on my blog...but it was a seriously fun prompt  from BYOB last week. All my life, I have been  a super girlie girl...and I loved dressing up and taking care of myself. But after I became  a mom...I totally let so much of that go. I became other focused (necessarily so) and with Tim away at work so much, my art, blogging, moving etc...I fell into exhaustion and ...sometimes, laziness. Not to mention the changes in my body post pregnancy...and ageing. It's only been in the last year or so that I very slowly started working my way toward self care. This photo shoot was pure magic for me...I put on some music, had the self timer going...and began playing around. It was so fun!!!

The weather around here has been mirroring my renewal...lots of sunshine, wetness + green = perfect conditions for growth:)

This book has my heart opening like a flower...petal by petal.  It's amazing how a great book can open worlds upon worlds...and bring characters so real into our hearts + lives.How it can slough off old-ness and plant seeds of change that will take root. How I adore books!!!

When we accept our own wild beauty, it is put into perspective, and we are no longer poignantly aware of it anymore, but neither would we forsake it or disclaim it either. ... 
                                                                                                 - Dr. Clarissa Pinkola Estes

hello life!!!

 “Hello, sun in my face. Hello you who made the morning and spread it over the fields...Watch, now, how I start the day in happiness, in kindness.”    -Mary Oliver

 Time has been going slow over here...and I am loving it! I made a conscious decision a few weeks ago to stop doing doing doing and just...slooooooow down. It has made all the difference, friends. It really has. I am noticing a million and one things that I normally am just too tired to pay attention to.But these days....I am being present. 

I have been back in my studio...and it feels so great! I also completely rearranged everything in my studio and am just loving it! It was so much work...but totally worth it!Now my studio table is right by the window and I get the most amazing light.

Also...there is green everywhere...which is making me over the top happy. After our way too long winter...spring is here and she is singing out loud!!! It's sunny almost all the time...birds chirping constantly. we are always outside...barefoot.

 

 

Lots of end of the year school activities. Tara has made her first real friends and she just adores them! She's always writing them love notes or making them cards. It's really the sweetest thing. She has such a huge heart and her friends are super important to her.   

We have been eating our breakfast outdoors...it's such a gift to sit in the morning sun, sipping coffee and watching the world wake up!

Here's me doing one of my Be Your Own Beloved prompts. I usually have such a hangup about others' seeing me being silly...but I am letting go of that. It's difficult...but I am showing up for myself...as I am. It feels good.

Hello life!!!!

surrendering to the moment

I am feeling a deep surrendering...a letting go. Of old, tired, worn out stories that don't serve me anymore. Of broken ideas + ways of being that are...boring + heavy and played out. I feel a deep need to simply
BE. HERE. NOW. The Be Your Own Beloved class with Vivienne McMaster is absolutely amazing and is opening up new doors within myself...new ways of seeing + being + playing. The class community is really so warm and wonderful and...loving. And Vivienne's daily prompts are... freeing, challenging, daring!!! I totally recommend this class to anyone looking to further their photography and self care.

 Mothers Day was so amazingly sweet + simple around here. Tim and Tara made me a wonderful brunch...we ate + talked + laughed + sat in the sun + took a nap.  Barefoot and happy:) These are the memories I will forever keep in my heart.

Spring is in the air, I completely rearranged my studio...birds are chirping and...just feeling so good about life! xxx

things around here

I am thoroughly enjoying Vivienne McMaster's Be Your Own Beloved class! Some of the exercises have been personally challenging for me...but those assignments are the very ones I need to do! I am realizing that our bodies hold onto our stories...all of them. This collage is a self portrait; I took the exact same pic and edited the right hand side pic and the left one is the raw image.I see how some days are such a struggle for me...to look at mySELF with loving kindness. It is  a practice...it is a practice:)

Last weekend I was thrilled to attend the Georgia O'Keeffe Exhibition at the Denver Museum of Art. It was a fantastic take on her deep and abiding love for New Mexico. the exhibition also talks about her love for American Indian and Hispanic art...so thrilled to experienced this!!! It was my artist date for the week:)

I am here...self portrait

Been enjoying some down time, quiet hours with a book and coffee. I found this wonderful little cafe that is secluded, cozy and has the best coffee!

 This magical pic happened earlier this week. I was trying to do a photo assignment when Tara came twirling right into the scene!! I edited it to the hilt...using layers and adding a smattering of stars. It was such a magical image, I wanted to go over the top. I use Pixlr-o-matic which is super user friendly to use. LOVE!!!

 

I haven't had much time in my studio this past little while-I just work on bits + pieces when I can. And of course...backgrounds are so much fun!!

A few days ago ...enjoying the most gorgeous sunny day. Today it's raining cats + dogs BTW...but aaaaah...so nice to bask in the sunshine:)

My photo assignment for today...I wanted to capture a sense of energy + movement rather than a purely visual story. So much fun:)
 I am so looking forward to this Mothers Day...simple and sweet:)
happy weekend everyone!

rewriting our stories

In the sharing of our stories...something profound happens. Magical...shifting...seeing...being seen...a path that has (perhaps) been there all along...reveals itself. Giving birth to my daughter was such an experience for me because, immediately, I knew that I was sharing my stories with her. This broke my heart because...some of my stories...I don't want to share with her. They are too sad, too broken, too much of a burden for her to carry. And so. I had to claim them as mine and then... rewrite them. Let them go. It's difficult to sift through the rubble, you know...and say...Oh! this one is mine + this one is not. It's daunting to break open stories and find other ones living inside of them...those not mine either but still ...there they are! But once we can sift through the real vs the unreal and really start writing our own stories...once we commit to the process...

 we can begin the journey of healing, rebuilding and creating the person we want to be...not living out the old stories of the person someone else wanted us to be. And this takes time (the entire rest of our lives, perhaps) and...courage, grace, community. and most of all (for me)...it takes a willingness. To 

*stumble

*be in pain

*keep on keepin' on

*be clumsy

*be joyFULL

*accept abundance

*see ourselves clearly

*be seen

But in affirming our wounds, feeling our pains and angers...we start the process toward healing + wholeness. And most of all...acceptance of what is. 

" She could never go back and make some of the details pretty. All she could do was move forward and make the whole beautiful."-Terri St. Cloud as quoted by Dr. Brene Brown in The Gifts of Imperfection

And while I know that Tara will write her own stories...that one day, she will claim what she wants to keep + let go of those other ones that don't serve her. Right now...my stories are her stories. And that makes me want to live more bravely, authentically...and to have more heart. It motivates me to look at mySELF with love and kindness and forgiveness. 

 What are your stories?The ones you want to keep + the ones you want to rewrite??

wholehearted

I took this pic. this morning for the Be Your Own Beloved class I'm taking...and a few months ago...I never would have posted this picture on my blog. Why??? Oh! I don't know...all the gremlins that would be whispering in my ear..."this is ridiculous", 'bad angle adds weight to you", "no dancing", "this is a waste of time" etc etc. But now I am at a place where I am
*letting go of who I used to be +
*embracing who I am (44 year old wife, mamma, artist, creative being)
*shedding "what will they think" gasp:)
*engaging in the moment of ever so precious life
*setting mySELF free with each brave step of daring to be seen
*rewriting so many old + worn out stories (more on this soon!)
So here we are...sunshine pouring in, Bob Marley magic playing, fairy wings + sparkles ...dancing with my girl = wholehearted

"be your own beloved"

It's been ages + ages since I last took an e-course...mostly because don't have the time right now. But also because I haven't come across one recently that has really pulled at me to commit wholeheartedly. Until I saw the Be Your Own Beloved e-class with the sassy + gracious Vivienne. I love her story, her truthtelling, her pics...and of course...her shoes!! I love the way she shares herSELF so openly + freely. And once I read the class content...I just knew in my heart that this is just the absolute right fit for me at this time. I am making time each day for the next month to really look at mySELF with loving kindness and a forgiving eye. I absolutely believe that self portraiture is a tool to heal, nurture, inspire + propel us in new directions...ones we never could have imagined for ourSELVES. If you think this is a class that might pull at your heart as well...it's not too late to sign up...starts tomorrow!!!

seeing ourselves clearly

(a page from my art journal)

For much of my adult life I had 2 diametrically opposing feelings at once: I never felt at home anywhere...and...I felt at home everywhere!! Does that make sense?? Because I had no real sense of belonging anywhere...not to culture or family or country...I could be a chameleon and fit in just about anywhere. Which was kind of nice as I floated around without any anchors or moorings but...it was also very unsettling as I struggled to fit in, belong, find myself and stay grounded all at once. The only thing is...it never worked! I struggled, I ran away and more often than not...I lost myself...over + over + over again.

I would lose mySELF to what I thought others wanted so I could gain acceptance + love. Never happened.  I would lose myself to society's expectations of what I should be (2 cultures at that...Eastern + western!!) and...that never worked out either, to be honest. I would lose myself to boyfriends/friends/lovers...all of their expectations and demands. No win all around...running in circles but never getting closer to the heart of who I am. And then...one day...I was about 35 (???) ...around there, I can't quite remember. But it just kind of happened all at once. I decided to simply be me!!! The decision was easy...the application was not!

 

It was years + years of hard work, of stumblings + backtracks and  tears and uncertainties and...really hard and wearing ...pain. There was a lot of second (+ third!!) guessings. Of ending relationships. Of being alone. Of accepting the moment, the place, the situation that I found myself in. There was a lot of heartbreaks, betrayals, loneliness that was deep + dark + complete that stretched for days + weeks + months ahead. And there was also a whole lot of...ordinary. Which, for me, was a great thing. I craved stability and day to day...ordinary. There was also lot of nurturing, self care + self love. Reading, pampering, listening to music and painting. So...when I met Tim...I was ready. For him, for marriage + family + home + heart. I was ready.

I was ready for my heart to break wide open. I was ready to be imperfect and vulnerable and...real. And it's difficult...it's a practice...every single day. But it's worth it. For me and the people I love...it's so worth it. I want my daughter to see herSELF clearly too. Not through my eyes + my expectations...but through her own eyes. With infinite love. xxx

around here lately...

there has been a shifting in my heart...in my spirit + mental space. I am making room for growth, looking at things differently and ...being present. I am standing at the edge of where I used to be and...not quite knowing the direction I'm heading...but having full faith and trust in the process. Taking tiny steps, not over thinking everything, inviting play and abundance into my life.

 Loving this inspiration house...a gift from my sweet friend Dee.

Tara decorating her easel chair. I heart how she has her own style:)

Enjoying the stark beauty of the still winter trees around here. I love their bare bones...reaching up to the evening skies.

Eating super healthy around here. Smoothies for breakfast and I try to have a veggie juice during the day as well. Also...I am rediscovering the many health benefits of coconut oil. I discovered this brand and it is so delicious...pure ambrosia!!!

It's not sandal weather yet but at least the snow has all melted (for now!!) and there's green grass.

*happy weekend friends:)