My He(ART)-Full Life by Soraya Nulliah

turquoise sky. red mountains.

2012-05-31T22:50:00.000-07:00

Our last stop was in the land of turquoise sky, red mountains and it was a soothing balm after all the crazy hustle bustle of Vegas. We spent a morning at the Museum of Northern Arizona which is nestled amongst mountains + forest...and through an insane amount of luck and serendipity, I managed to be there for the Zuni festival which happens once a year!!!

I sat in reverence and listened to a matriarch speak of earth + sky + ancient soul knowledge. She spoke of passing on her wisdom + language and culture to her grandchildren so that the Zuni way of life would be preserved. She didn't know exactly how old she was because she had passed into the age of timelessness + such things didn't matter anyway. She spoke in song while drums were beating in the background and chills went up and down my spine as I listened to her deep spirit speaking only truth and medicine. I felt the earth around me rise up to cradle and protect me...and I felt a deep and complete sense of peace.

In her voice I heard an ancient story that binds us all to a common truth. We are here, in this moment, to share what we know...all of our pain + truth + heartfelt beauty. We are here to follow our path, forge our journey; open ourselves up to life. I had tears running down my face after listening to her speak. It was a gift, unimaginable, and I was grateful to have received it.

I soaked everything in...all of the pottery (some of them a thousand years old!!), turquoise and silver jewellery ...drawings, paintings, dancing and books. I tried to absorb the ancient ways of embracing the wisdom of the earth, of connecting to the land and her truths. So when we drove up to the Grand Canyon that afternoon..I felt completely ready to accept her beauty. It was a humbling + awe inspiring experience...to fully understand how we are, simultaneously, so small + seemingly insignificant yet...how powerful and connected to the Universe we are. Both truths standing in their own space without negating the other.

Early the next morning I went for a long walk walk by myself...it was cool and brisk in the mountains. My soul mingled with the earth ...and each step brought me closer to mySELF. I found this gorgeous black feather that magically appeared in my path. I don't know the exact meaning of it...but I really didn't need to...I knew deep in my heart, it was a sign, a gift, a message from the Universe. I held onto it tightly and put it in my journal (seen in pic above with a postcard by artist Serena Supplee). Magic.
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We are back home now and Tara is ecstatic !!! One of the first things she did was say hello to all of her dolls + babies. Then she put on her princess clothing and played dress up!!! The next few days are full of laundry, unpacking and gardening and things.

Vegas = too much

2012-05-29T20:00:00.000-07:00

(Tara watching the boats at the Bellagio)

We spent a couple of days in Vegas and I just have to say...I am not a Vegas kinda' girl!!! Maybe like...20 years ago but...definitely not anymore. I haven't been there since I was in my late teens and man...have things ever changed over there!!! Huge palatial over the top hotels and everything in excess (to the nth power !!) . First of all...I must be getting old because all I wanted to do by 11 p.m. was go to sleep!! I know, I know...I can stay up until 3 in the morning painting!! It was scorching hot for the two days we were there (like you could cook an egg on the sidewalk kinda' hot!!) and there were a gazillion people walking the strip. Exhausting!!! I longed for cool and quiet. It was fun to see Tara in awe of the grandeur + lights + all the action. But other than that??? It was all a bit too much for me. I don't like buffets or gambling. The shops on the strip were over the top expensive (100$ t-shirts???) All in all...I was glad to leave the hustle bustle and venture out into the vast open spaces, the red mountains and mesas of Arizona. I did spot Elvis though:)

on the road

2012-05-28T21:07:00.005-07:00

(Tara still in Princess mode!)

on the road...pancake breakfasts, sunshine + miles of orchards, rest stops, laughs and silly conversations, passing through red mountains and dried up rivers, the Grand Canyon (pics soon!) and on and on. Back home soon!!

I love you San Fran!!!!

2012-05-24T21:52:00.000-07:00

I love San Fran!!!! My dream is to spend a summer here...an entire summer, can you imagine?? There are 10 gazillion things to do over here...places to see, discover + experience. Quaint little coffee shops, bookstores, cobbled streets, art + culture. I love being in such a cosmopolitan city...it's so diverse in every sense. Tim and Tara spent a morning at Alcatraz Island (I had no interest in doing that) so I went exploring all over the place. I walked through Little Italy...browsing, people watching, coffee drinking and such.

I stopped at this little gallery (Arata Fine Art Gallery) chock full of treasures. This lady right here is the actual artist of the painting and the gallery owner as well...Arata is her name (love!!). There are paintings, sculptures, conte drawings and more. I had a good little chat with her and she told me how she came to open up her own gallery. One of the things she said to me that really stuck with me is "you just never know what opportunities life will present to us." Very inspiring.
Arata Fine Art Gallery
450 Columbus Ave
San Fran. Ca
It's right in the heart of Little Italy so-if you are in the area-you can stop in and then grab a cup of coffee and pastry at an Italian coffee shop too:) Art + great conversation + Italian coffee...can't get much better than that!!

I managed to catch up on a little bit of writing, reading and dreaming...all in a little coffee shop where very little English was spoken (San Fran is such an international city!!). I was in absolute bliss. And the streets here are so steep...I mean...you see pics of it but it really doesn't give you an idea of how hilly it is. If I lived here I would never even dare to drive (!!!) but it would be an amazing workout just walking around. Everything would be all toned + tight in no time at all:)

We loved strolling around Fisherman's Wharf...I could just sit there for hours...listening to the live musicians, peoplewatching, feeling the wind in my hair. This place is so rich in history. And the seafood here???? OMG!!! Totally amazing. I could live here for that alone.

We created such great memories of San Fran....walking on the pier, the carousel at Pier 39, looking at a hundred different seashells in a specialty shop on the wharf, catching up on some quiet time with Tim...wind + sun all around. I love the hustle bustle over here...the artsy energy and exploring. All the nooks + crannies just waiting to be discovered.

I spent a whole morning in Chinatown (with Tara!!!). Okay...a toddler in a stroller on a Saturday morning in Chinatown??? Probably not the best idea!!! But one of her fave. books is The Moon Lady(by Amy Tan) and I wanted Tara to see everything come to life (paper lanterns and silk slippers) but...it was exhausting!!! After a few hours...we were both pooped!!!! Tim wasn't even going to try to brave it with us, smart guy:)

We picked up a pair of gorgous pink silk Chinese p.j.'s , matching silk slippers and an umbrella. Tara absolutely loves loves loves it and wants to wear it everday, everwhere...day and night!!! Good times:) This trip has been so nourishing to my soul...just getting out of the everyday (routines, to-do lists + housework!!) + lots of sleep, a little bit of sun + wine + reading...has been a breath of life.
We LOVE you San Fran!!!! Thank you for everything. I'm going to take lots of your bits & pieces back home with me!! xxx

"the painted word"

2012-05-23T08:27:00.000-07:00

I went to see this fantastic exhibition at the Meridian Gallery called the Painted Word. The entire exhibit examines the connection between the artists' painting and writings. It was a relatively small exhibition but I stayed here for well over an hour...reading up on the artists and just...absorbing everything.

My absolute fave. painting is this one right here called "A Seed Doing It's Stuff" by Armenian-American fiction writer/playwright/artist William Saroyan. I have (from a long time ago) been a huge fan of his poems + essays. And I just adore the energy, color + rhythm of this painting. Isn't it amazing???

There were other artists as well (Ferlinghetti, Rexroth, Hirschman and more) but...I kept on going back to Saroyan...his paintings simply held me in a space of intrigue and magic.

This exhibition was part of April's Poetry month...there are tons and tons of poetry readings and documentary films (the Red Poet) as well. I just love San Fran!!!! I think I could live here!!!

reclaiming mySELF

2012-05-20T23:21:00.000-07:00

"For each of us as women, there is a dark place within, where hidden and growing our true spirit rises. These places of possibility within ourselves are dark because they are ancient and hidden; they have survived and grown strong through that darkness. Within these deep places each holds an incredible reserve of creativity and power, of unexamined and unrecorded emotion and feeling. The woman's place of power within ...is dark, it is ancient and it is deep...For women, then, poetry is not a luxury. It is a vital neccesity of our existence. It forms the quality of light within which we predicate our hopes and dreams towrad survival and change, first made into language, then into idea, then into more tangible action. Poetry is the way we help give name to the nameless so it can be thought. The farthest horizons of our hopes and fears are cobbled by our poems, carved from the rock experiences of our daily lives."

-Audre Lorde (Poetry is Not a Luxury)

I brought along a few books to read on the road, one of which is a collection of essays by Audre Lorde. I am falling in love...word by word...with her words + heart + intellect all over again. Her work brings me to mySELF. To what is right + whole + empowering.

(billboard seen In San Fran)

Ever since I gave birth and became a mom...I have had to give so much of mySELF to Tara, mothering + my family. Even little things (like reading or going out for coffee by myself) were simply not possible. I used to love dressing up in prints + colors and being so girlie...but these last few years...it's been easier to just let so many parts of mySELF go. It's just the way it is and I have no regrets at all. But now that Tara is growing up + gaining some independence...I am (little by little) claiming parts of mySELF. It feels so good...this rediscovery and excavation. This renewal + transformation.

I feel happier + stronger than I ever have. More comfortable in my own skin...more confident and tender towards all of my pieces (broken + whole). Maybe this is a gift of getting older? Maybe this is a gift of breaking open to vulnerability and truth. Maybe...this is just a gift. No striving for anything...no attempting "perfect"...just being. And this road trip has been a catalyst; taking me out of my routine + comfort zone. More soon!!

all Disneyed out!!!

2012-05-17T22:21:00.000-07:00

(the cutest little Minnie...ever ever)
We are all Disneyed out over here. At least, Tim and I are but I think Tara could live there forever:) It's been magical for us to watch Tara at Disney this year because she is so much more aware and interactive than last time. All her fave characters and stories that we read everyday... come to life!!

Tara's absolute fave princess is Belle so we stood in line for over an hour to meet her but...poor Tara got overwhelmed to actually see her standing right there. As you can see...she became all shy and started crying:( Totally understandable for kids that age...maybe next time.

Family pic in front of the castle:)

Tara's fave ride (and mine too!!) is the teacup. As you can see...she's having a blast. Tim always skips this one..it makes him sick ...all that spinning:)

And then we totally lucked out...just as we were leaving we saw Mickey and Minnie; Tara was in heaven!! She got a kiss from Minnie too:) As fun as Disney was...so glad to be heading up north to San Fran. xxx

high desert Ca.

2012-05-16T10:58:00.000-07:00

(somewhere in California)
I can't believe how my little baby is all grown up...smart + sassy and just bursting with life. I have always been a gypsy...have loved travelling all of my life but these past few years after Tara was born...I have been in total nesting mode. We love our routine, familiarity and ...just being home. But now that Tara is a little older...I love travelling with her!! Showing her so many new places and things...plus...I get to experience everything through her eyes. We had such a blast at this little water park a few days ago. She absolutely loves seeing new sights and putting together what we have read with the places she visits.

(Joshua Tree National Park, Ca.)
I have to admit that when we arrived here in high desert California a few days ago...I was a little...uh! overwhelmed. I love greenery + mountains + lush flowers and the terrain here is just the opposite.. But there is an elemental beauty here...all stripped down. The trees look like sad and sombre sculptures...very elegant + sparse reaching their limbs up to the sky. There are hundreds of species of plants that grow here too...not like the Thar Desert (in India) where there was just sand. Over here there are all sorts of cacti (purple pink and orange), brilliant fuchsia desert flowers and yellow wildflowers. And at night....a carpet of stars cover the inky blue skies. And it is scorching...searing...hot all through the day. Still...it's not a place I would want to live...but it's definitely something to experience.

(Mothers Day, Palm Springs Ca.)
And the best news of all??? My family is back together and we are heading off on our road trip!!! Next we are on to Disney so Tara can get her Minnie fix. We tried to plan our trip to include all of our loves + interests so....lots of fun kids stuff, art, national parks, water, hiking, coffeehouses, summer music, r&r.

New Mexico magic

2012-05-14T09:42:00.000-07:00

(somewhere in New Mexico)
Tara and I have been on the road these past 4 days...driving to meet up with Tim. Tara has been such an amazing little traveller. Of course I have had to keep her busy busy in the backseat. Lots of rest stops, parks, books, movies, coloring books and singing. We drove through Sante Fe and stopped off for the afternoon. I just love love love Sante Fe ...everything is art in this charming town...even the bus stops!!! No kidding!! I went crazy taking pictures...every glimpse and corner is a photograph just begging to be captured.

This was an amazing artist from Burkina Faso (West Africa) who was painting right there in the church grounds. I stopped and we talked for a good half hour about art, spirit, making his own pigments, symbolism and abstraction, politics, his country, Mother Africa...on and on. All the while Tara was listening intently, looking at his amazing art and wanting to get her hands in the paint, of course!!

Here's an old church ...I love the juxtaposition of the modern steel (moving!!) sculptures with the old stone + architecture. To me...it speaks of the passage of time and how we can honor and preserve the old (even in ourSELVES + our lives) while still accomodating the new. Growth demands it!!

I stumbled upon this gorgeous little store tucked away in an alley that has the most fantastic textiles. The store is called Passementrie and is located at 115 Old Sante Fe Trail. It's totally worth checking out. These quilts right here are handmade in India...I love the patterns + colors...don't you?

More quilts...I just couldn't resist. They also have all sorts of clothes, knitwear and accessories.

Old brass and copper pots from Mumbai that had me swooning. This was at India Palace where we had lunch. If you like Indian food...this is the place to go. They've been in biz here for over 20 years and are recommended by Fodors, Lonely Planet and...just about everyone in town!! The owner was an interesting + congenial man...and he treated Tara like a princess!! Oh!! and the food...I've been dreaming about it ever since!!

Every little alley and wall has an amazing piece of architecture. Here was this jewel of a piece just sitting there in between two stores. I would love to have it in my studio:)

Gorgeous (Spanish??) tile. I love the blue and white combo...very Dutch...very summery. Like I said...art everywhere!!!

Fat spools of Italian yarn...they were all stacked up on tables...hundreds of them it seemed. Makes me want to sew.

Metal art...I love the turquoise and copper combination. Tara and I stopped off at a little bakery/cafe and right across the way..I spotted this lizard.

Adobe architecture reminds me of O' Keefe. The humility, earthiness, simplicity and elegance are mirrored in her paintings (I feel). I adore the strong lines and connection to the earth...how it seamlessly blends into the desert landscape . These are found all over New Mexico...every one slightly different. In my dreams...I live here.

the mothering journey

2012-05-13T07:00:00.000-07:00

Happy Mothers day!!!

Interview with artist Robyn Gordon Part 2

2012-05-09T18:00:00.000-07:00

I am so happy to post the second part of my interview with amazing artist Robyn Gordon. You can read part 1 of my interview right here.I have been pouring over the photos of her art and am in awe of the detail and craftsmanship.
I read in one of your past interviews that it has taken you many many years to start making the art you wanted to make; not for public consumption or what you thought others expected from you etc. How did you reach that place where you created from your soul?
While the children were growing up my husband and I wanted to give them the best ... as we parents do. Though I had a day job, I also created art after the children were in bed to boost our income. It wasn't necessarily to my taste but it sold well and eventually i gave up my day job and became a full time "artist", churning out quick sellers. One can only do that for so long! There came a time, after several life changing events in our family that I just knew that I had to start creating the art that made me happy .

What advice can you give to other artists who are struggling with these same issues.
Just begin! If you wait for the right time to do what you are passionate about life just fritters away. You need to do whatever makes you happy for your sake as well as the people you live with.
How do you balance being influenced by vs. creating art that is uniquely yours?
I have a quote by Hale Woodruff which sums this up for me
"I have tried to study African Art in order to assimilate it into my being, not to copy but to seek the essence of it, it's spirit and quality as art"

What is it about tribal art that appeals to you?
When I first started carving as a child the only examples of carving for me to study were the African carvings that sold at the side of the road. I was intrigued by them and over the years have developed a love for all things tribal.
As well, a lot of your carvings are made up of collections. Can you share with us the inspiration/symbolism behind this?
Bottom line? .... I'm just an insatiable magpie. I always have been and even though my house is too small for any more collections I still manage to squeeze in more bits and pieces. Combining my passion for collecting with my art has been an unexpected thrill. Maybe incorporating my gatherings is just an excuse to continue my magpie habits, but these pieces do symbolize my life in South Africa. Whether it's a shard of china, rusty nails or metal arrow heads, they all connect to my experience of this amazing country.

Are there a few fave books you can recommend that inspire you as an artist?
A book I have read several times and dip into often for inspiration is 12 Secrets of Highly Creative Women by Gail McMeekin. As the blurb suggested , it has been my portable mentor.
(Gail has also written 12 Secrets of Highly Successful Women so it's easy to confuse the two titles)

(reading The Pulse of Mixed Media)
Robyn's art is featured in the new book by Seth Apter called The Pulse of Mixed Media. Of course I bought the book because Robyn's art is showcased...but there are an amazing variety of artists...chock full of talent + inspiration. They share all their "secrets" (dealing with creative blocks for instance) and are very candid about any number of personal questions that Seth puts forward. It was so helpful for me to answer the questions as I read along..."if your art could talk, what would it say?" what is your secret dream as an artist?" I love this book!!
Dear Robyn, thank you so much for granting me this interview. I am honored and grateful to have the opportunity to feature your gorgeous art on my blog. thank you!

loving right now

2012-05-08T07:00:00.000-07:00

* this quote that I came across in the current Where Women Create mag...I simply adore it!!! I instantly wrote it down in my journal...it gives me some perspective when I get frustrated with where my work is/where it's going right now.
* photography...I have been taking a ton of pics...in all lights + angles. Pics of Tara, trees, rocks, feet, self portraits, moods, art stuff...everything.
* the mountains...I love being able to see the mountains from my windows and no matter where I go during the day...they are large + looming...serenely beautiful + grounding.

*Working in my altered book/journal. I use clothes pegs to separate the pages while the gesso dries.
*Spring!!! It's in the air...crisp + new. I love seeing flowers spring to life, hearing birds everywhere and of course....losing all the winter layers.
* blogging. Just a few short weeks ago I was going through a major blog burnout but after taking a week or so off...I am just bursting with ideas and things I want to share!!

* rocks. Tara started collecting them a while back...she loves looking at them in great detail, holding them up to the light. Now...we collect them together on our walks. I just love these ones right here all piled up like solemn sculptures.
*gardening. even though it's too early to plant...still crushing out on all things garden!
* watching Tara run around in bare feet on the grass.

* luscious jars of paint. Swoon:)

*listening to the trees whisper + sing. That comes straight from Tara...she loves holding onto tree trunks (we have quite a few in our backyard) and putting her head right in the branches + leaves...she says she's listening to the trees:) LOVE!!

* the shortbread at Panera Bread. OMG!!! Those things are devious!!

the story behind the story

2012-05-05T19:12:00.001-07:00

(a page from my Outsider Journals)

“ Let’s bare our arms and plunge them deep through laughter, through pain, through sorrow, through hope, through disappointment, into the very depths of the souls of our people and drag forth materials crude, rough, neglected. Then let’s sing it, dance it, write it, paint it.”

-Aaron Douglas

There are always stories behind stories...big huge ones or tiny seeds. This is a big huge story so...please bear with me. Just last week I completed answering questions for an interview I did with soul sister Rita Banerji. I had been sitting with them for a while...I wrote tons and tons and then edited and edited. So...here's the thing. I realise that if I am going to claim my story...my entire story...then I have to talk about things I don't necessarily want to. sometimes. I have to be brave enough to share what I have been through and what I have learned from them . I edited this out of the interview thinking..."oh! it's not that important...no one would be interested in that". But the truth is this right here: it's deeply deeply painful and there's a lot of shame + blame + guilt + other "yucky" emotions all tied into it that it was so much easier to edit it out. But it's big huge important. In large part because it is so difficult.

( a page from my sketchbook)

I have always always always been an outsider; in my "family" of origin, in my community and culture. I was an unwanted and unloved child (it's the absolute truth and now that I am a mom...I am finally coming to terms with it more more than ever). I have been thrown away, devalued and tossed aside more times than I can remember...by people I have deeply loved in both my childhood + adult life. The whys don't matter (to me) as much as the experience of having lived my life in a perpetual state of "not enough". No matter what I did...it simply hasn't been enough for the people who were in my life. I guess we all have these feelings from time to time and certainly as we get older. Both women and men face this in degrees. I mean- as women- don't we fear getting older and being thrown away by society. When all the qualities we are valued for in our families and society in general...our sexuality, our mothering and care taking abilities...when all of those have eroded or no longer needed...don't we have a deep down fear of not being seen anymore? Marginalized? Unwanted? Unloved? Thrown away?

(on my inspiration board)

I had to do a lot of soul searching + soul mending and it was a long and difficult road. It took me years and years...through a lot of my twenties and even into my thirties. It wasn't until I leaned to love mySELF hard and true that I started to heal. In retrospect, it wasn't one event either....but a multitude of people + situations that came into my life fortuitously. Oh!! at the time I didn't think so at all!!! I had a little pity party for mySELF...why does this always happen to me, poor me etc etc. You know the deal right??:) It was only until I stepped back and said "what can I learn from this?", "what can I do differently?", "why am I attracting these situations into my life?" that I started to transform. I had to view things through an archetypal lens ;it wasn't personal at all...the people in my life were simply my teachers. It was only then that I could truly heal, truly love mySELF and attract people into my life that were healthy for me. Of course it's never a straight road and there are always a lot of detours + things:) But...that's all part of the journey...right??

(a few days ago..Tara and I on our way to a lunch date)

But now I can claim my stories proudly....share them honestly and continue learning from them. And of course...there are always tons of lessons just around the corner:) Now I can see the (many) gifts that have come from my pain and shame and being thrown away. They are precious jewels of wisdom. humility. gratitude. tenacity. resilience. knowing what's truly important (to me). And I can bare my vulnerable + tender parts because...it's what makes us human + alive. xxx

inspiring me these days

2012-05-02T22:22:00.000-07:00

* all things nature!! Since spring is in the air and we have been gardening over here...I am inspired by it all. Rocks, trees, flowers. vegetables, compost...and these amazing dried plants. The huge, luscious pods are all the way from India (!!!) and the yellow flower in the upper right is from South Africa!!! I came across them the other day and snatched them up for my nature table. I love their form...they look like miniature sculptures bursting with life.
* summer skirts. Since I have been unpacking (yes...we are still not fully settled in over here!!)...I am coming across clothing I haven't seen in ages. It's great..kinda' like going shopping without any of the hassle or expense!!
* books, books and more books. I have stacks of books piled up that I can't wait to get to. Reading has always been such a huge part of my life...but after becoming a mom, I have really had to carve out time for it. I try to squeeze in some time whenever I can...15 mins. here and there all add up + I always carry a book in my purse.

* candles. I love them and have a gazillion all over the place. this one is from World Market. Isn't it gorgeous?? It reminds me of Indian or Moroccan designs. After a long day...I light one (or a few) and instantly relax. It reminds me of when I was in Rishikesh. Every evening we floated clay lamps down the Ganges and watched them carry our wishes downstream.
* journaling. I am working on my Outsider Journal and am so deeply in love with opening up my heart and soul and pouring it all down on my pages. It's inspiring + healing + strengthening all at once.

* I picked up this mag. and am totally in love!!! I ordered some Creative Paperclay and, this summer, I am finally going to try making dolls. I have been wanting to do this forever and Art Doll magazine has jump started my creative juices. There are the most innovative and amazing ideas in here...I mean...you just have to read it!!
* road trips!!! I know, I know...after the one we did last year we decided not to do it for awhile...but we have an amazing one planned and...I am sooooo looking forward to it. A few things it's going to involve...art, hiking, Chinatown, meeting a few princesses (!!!), ocean + mountains + desert + lots of photography, reading, writing and relaxing.
* relationships. marriage, motherhood, friendships..all of it. They really are our greatest teachers...these deep connections we have to each other. Inspiring, nurturing and replenishing.

bursting with gratitude

2012-04-30T22:07:00.004-07:00

(out in the sunshine...reading my article!!!)

My heart is full of gratitude these days (+ a little disbelief). I just wanted to share with all of you some amazing...over the top crazy wonderful kinda' amazing....news. I have a 6 page spread in the current Somerset Studio!!!! The thing that I am the most proud about is that I dived really deep deep deep inside of mySELF and wrote very truthfully about my art/life/soul journey. I was afraid to be so vulnerable...but...it also felt really really good to lay bare so much. It was freeing. Thank you so very very much Somerset Studio...thank you to all the amazing he(ART)-full creatives who work over there producing all those gorgeous art mags...thank you for believing in me + giving me a chance.
And if you think I am happy...Tara is ecstatic to see mommy's art in a magazine!!! She can't stop talking about it ..."I'm so proud of you mommy...you are such a smart little girl" This Tara girl is the light of my life.

And...does it get any easier each time I send in a submission? Actually...NO!!!! I still break out into a cold sweat, second guess myself and procrastinate. I still have to talk mySELF into sending things off...and take a deep breath. but...I am getting braver baring more and more of my truth. These past few weeks I have been answering questions for an interview I am doing with the amazing Rita Banerji...I have been sitting with them and reaching far far into mySELF. It is very painful at times yet...very healing as well to lay claim to my journey.

And...my blog header is featured in the current Artful Blogger in Banners We Love!!!! It means so much to me because...this is the magazine that inspired me to start my own blog. Tara was just oh!! ...about 7 or 8 months old and I was going through a very difficult time. I was adjusting to motherhood, Tim had to be away for work quite a bit and I had to have emergency gall bladder surgery. In addition to all of that...some people in my life at the time who should have been supportive of me were quite the opposite. I remember a lot of crying + depression + overwhelm. So when I picked up a copy of Artful Blogging one day at the bookstore...I simply couldn't believe this whole creative world of words + art + photographs + lives in progress. A whole new world opened up to me. A world I could step into and become a part of. Thank you Artful Blogging + Somerset Studio...for inspiring me...and for featuring me. This is an absolute dream come true + I am simply resting in these moments right here...right now.

And thanks to all of you, too, dear friends + kindred souls. I may (or may not) even know that you are reading my words...but by being a witness to my journey..you are a part of it. And for that...I am incredibly grateful and give my heartful thanks.

"sister outsider"

2012-04-27T10:37:00.001-07:00

"What are the words you do not yet have? What do you need to say? What are the tyrannies you swallow day by day and attempt to make your own?, until you will sicken and die of them, still in silence? Perhaps for some of you here today, I am the face of your fears. Because I am a woman, because I am Black, because I am lesbian, because I am myself-a Black woman warrior poet doing my work-come to ask you...are you doing yours?" -Audre Lorde

In the first year of university my minor was psychology...by default. I just thought I should go into it because I had absolutely no idea what I wanted to do. I happened to take an entry level Women Studies class because it fit into my schedule...and ...I fell in love!!! Deeply + madly and head over heels. It was instant. I loved the alternate views, the passion, the closely looking at how we construct knowledge.

So...I changed my minor and started taking all sorts of Feminist classes that interested me. But...here's the thing...I studied all of the "classics" from the 2nd wave of feminism (Greer, Steinem, Friedan etc)...and I didn't see mySELF!!! There was an exclusion of women of color that was absolute and pervasive. Throughout my life, I have always felt an outsider...always at the edge...and now here I was again!!!

"I have a duty to speak the truth as I see it and to share not just my triumphs, not just the things that feel good, but the pain, the intense, often unmitigating pain...If what I have to say is wrong, then there will be some woman who will stand up and say Audre Lorde was in error. But my words will be there." -Audre Lorde

So...when I stumbled upon dear soul sister Audrey Lorde...I instantly connected with her on so many levels. I voraciously sought out all of her books and papers and devoured them...it was like a light went on in my in my mind and my soul lit up...I had come home!!! Here was a woman who was unafraid to be herSELF and she threw a lifeline out to those of us who needed it; showing us the way. Not to become like her...but a far greater gift...to become ourSELVES. She created a more inclusive feminism that I could relate to. When I discovered her works...I could breathe!

(a page from my "Outsider Journals"

"Ultimately it comes down to making yourself and the people who can share it with you, in some way, more themselves, to make you more yourself, to make human beings more themselves, and therefore, by extension, better, stronger, more real. Isn't this the function of all art? I mean, get out of the Western Bag, out of "art for arts' sake", out of the perfect circle. A perfect circle is a point. It does not move at all. It's stationary. Let's get out of that. The function of any art is to move, more deeply, to make us more of who we are." -Audre Lorde

Now that I am rereading her works...so many years later...I see things with a new + fresh perspective especially as it applies to my work. Reading "Sister Outsider" gives me strength and inspiration...a new epistemology; "kitchen table politics". I have been working on a journal called "Outsider Journals" ...where I am claiming and celebrating my outsider-ness. It is difficult and painful, there is no denying that, but it has so many gifts to offer. I see that more clearly every single day. To create from the edge...to walk that line of fitting in/not fitting in...leads us to find out true voice.

real life vs blog life

2012-04-24T21:26:00.001-07:00

Dear friends...I have missed blogging. I have missed being here. And I have missed you. But I was so on the edge of serious burnout...I really have needed this past week to rest. Sometimes...it's so easy when we read blogs...to only see the productive, inspired side of life. I know I tend to do that too...I see a blog of really amazing rooms + homes + lives. I see people in cute outfits and fresh flowers on the table. And, inevitably, I start to compare it to mine with all the boxes in a corner, my paint stained pants and my studio a raving mess!!! Even though I know better...I think it's just human nature.

Of course "real" life + "blog" life interconnect in so many important ways but...the truth is...my days are filled with a lot of routine + storytelling, Play-doh making and potty training. Amidst all of the blah...there is pure magic in these moments. I can switch from reading Audre Lorde to Dr. Seuss in 2 seconds flat!!
This past week I have been reading (I have a huge pile of books I want to get through this summer). The book I am immersing myself in right now is a book of poetry "Hard Times Require Furious Dancing" by the brilliant + soul(FULL) Alice Walker. It is an amazing book; some of the words are bitter...some are salty with tears. Some fly on the wings of hope and take us with them. I love it!!

I have also been gardening with Tara. I really want her to develop a relationship with nature + the land. And I'm pretty lucky because she loves puttering around the backyard...digging + picking rocks... feeding the birds. We are planning out a veggie + fruit garden that we are super excited about. I'm thinking...blackberries, strawberries, blueberries, carrots, lettuce and beans to start with. Also a small herb garden..thyme, oregano, basil. Just going to experiment this year and see what will thrive over here; Co. has a unique and challenging climate. That's all for now...but I have some pretty amazing news to share with you soon!!! xxx

struggling + burnt out

2012-04-18T21:01:00.002-07:00

Dear friends...the truth is these past many weeks I have been struggling + burnt out. I just keep going + going until...finally it all catches up to me. Exhaustion (mental and physical) has been rising up to meet me every morning but, like all of us moms, we just keep on keepin' on. Sometimes..I feel like this beautiful dandelion right here...pushing up through the rocks to seek the sun. With Tara and I being down with the flu, painting + blogging + getting settled into our home...it has all caught up to me. I need to rest and replenish and...rest some more!! I need to fuel my fires and drink hot tea, read magazines + watch reruns of Friends. I need to go on morning walks everyday and snuggle up with my girl. I need to take a computer break and laugh and...just be. So...that's exactly what I am going to do these next many days...will be back here soon. xxx

speaking my true

2012-04-15T16:39:00.003-07:00

(on my easel...Speaking her True...prints available soon!!!)

I just received my May issue of O mag in the mail and...as usual it is chock full of great stuff; book recommendations (I have to pick up Toni Morrison's Home to add to my summer reading list), how to follow your dreams at any age and I came across these great questions right here. I thought it would be fun to post them and...maybe you can answer them too:)

My best advice to my younger self...Gee...I could go on and on with this question:) But if I had to be concise it would be this right here. Dear younger self...don't put up with anyone's bullshit (all of their meanness, hypocrisy and ugliness) for approval, love, self worth etc etc. people who really love you will respect and treat you well. It seems pretty simple now...but oh!! the stories I could tell:)

The best part of getting older is...how comfortable I feel inside of my skin...no-one to impress...no-one else to be. Living in the now (I still have to consciously be aware of it all the time!!), not taking the life I have for granted and being acutely aware of how short and fragile life really is. Oh!! and surrounding myself with good people.

I'm most looking forward to: watching Tara develop and grow. witnessing her personality develop. Experiencing all the changes and deepening of my marriage. seeing how my art transforms and moves as I do.
I'd most like to learn how to...develop a regular (as in..everyday!!) meditation practice. Okay!! I meditate here & there but I want it to be easy and natural...like breathing...living in the moment. But it's hard work getting my mind to stop chattering & just sit still!!
*Oh!! I have some super exciting news!!! I am being interviewed by Rita Banerji...I am so nervous, excited and...well, nervous!!! In truth...I really don't feel as if I am interesting enough to be interviewed by her!! She is a mentor, friend and all around fearless + brilliant lady...I am so honored!!! I have been sitting with her questions and reaching far into memory & truth to answer her.

**This is my Tara right here... a few weeks ago...playing dress up!! She simply takes my breath away and I have to pinch myself at how fast she is growing. No more baby in her at all now...all girl, all pretty, all sass & smiles!!

interview with artist Robyn Gordon, Part 1

2012-04-10T21:59:00.007-07:00

When I first came across artist Robyn Gordon's blog Art Propelled a couple of years ago, I was instantly drawn to her words, images and, of course, her stunning art. I spent the first 12 years of my life in South Africa so I have a deep love and appreciation for the African aesthetic. I cannot rave enough about her art...Robyn combines wood, metal and beads with her heart, soul and the very essence of Mother Africa. Her art captures the magic and essence of the human spirit living in harmony with the natural elements. Over the past couple of years Robyn has been an inspiration, mentor and friend to me; I am so proud and grateful for her presence. She so graciously granted me this interview for my blog; what an honor. Thank you so much Robyn!!

Can you share a little of your creative process with us Robyn? Do you work solely from sketches or do you have an idea that you bring to your studio as you carve? I imagine there must be a lot of forethought and planning because you can't paint over your mistakes!
As you mentioned, if I make a mistake I can't just rub it out or paint over it so I do have to think very carefully before proceeding with the carving. I usually sketch many ideas in my sketchbook and when I'm satisfied with one of them I'll draw an outline onto the wood. Once I have cut out the initial shape of the piece I will mull over it and decide whether I need to make adjustments within the shape. Sometimes I have a few "brainwaves" as I go along and if it's possible to make changes I will.

Can you share how you began combining African and European elements into your carvings? Did this evolve gradually or was it a conscious choice on your part? Have you encountered difficulties in the merging of these two very different aesthetic sensibilities?

I havn't consciously combined the two sensibilities. What I do comes naturally because the merging of different cultures is what life in South Africa is all about. We are all influenced by different facets of each others cultures which is rather wonderful!

Have the politics of South Africa (before and after apartheid) ever influenced your art? If so, in what way? Has your art ever been political?
My art is my sanctuary so my work is a means of keeping myself calm. Politics is not condusive to this sense of calm. If anything my art helps me to remain sane in a country that is often thrown into upheaval
You are so prolific!! How do you keep your creative fires burning? In the past I turned to books for motivation and I still do but in the last few years Art blogs have played a very big part in keeping my creative fires burning. Reading about other artists struggles and how they overcome them can be very inspiring.

Can you tell us how you handle periods of artist block?
Every Summer I experience a block. Whether it's due to the heat or burn out after doing Christmas commissions, I'm not sure, but I am learning to accept it. Invariably when the weather starts cooling I get my energy back and I start work with new vigour.
You can visit Robyn's blog right here Isn't her art just gorgous??? I think it all belongs in a museum so as many people as possible can enjoy it. Unless, of course, they were to all find a loving place in my home:) I will be posting Part 2 of my interview with Robyn soon.
P.S. Robyn's art is featured in this book right here by Seth Apter called the Pulse of Mixed Media. I just received my copy today and can't wait to read it!!!

breaking open

2012-04-08T20:58:00.001-07:00

(one of my recent sketches)

After a lot of self reflection, honesty, frustration, journaling, reading, painting, sketching, crying and heart to heart talks with a few women I admire + trust implicitly...I realise that I have to unlock my pain. I have such deep scars + suffering; wound upon wound...some fresh + some so old and buried away I really can't remember them anymore. But they are there...hidden and not so hidden. I have to unlock them so I can bring all of me to my art. While I am very happy with my body of work so far...honestly...I think that my ladies are all too pretty...too perfect and I am really trying to work on that. I want their beauty to come from pain + honesty + rawness + yes...ugliness too because that's where their real beauty lies. But...I think that I have so much pain inside of me...that if I have to go inside and open it all up...I will fall apart. And I can't fall apart right now!!! My family needs me to be together...and my art needs me to break wide open.

I have been doing a lot of sketches lately...more imperfect + undone. And I am very happy with the direction they are going in. I don't know how (or even if) they are going to translate into my paintings but...I like this way of surrender and opening up. I like this path of non-judgement, vulnerability and not being in exile from mySELF. It feesl true and strong and wise. I trust it.

(yesterday...self portrait with sunrays + tree)

And time and time again...I am reminded of my younger, more closed off self. The self that was too scared to try. The self that was too broken to believe in mySELF and I know that she is looking at me now and smiling proud. I know that there are some pieces of me that are always always going to be broken...that are never going to heal. And that's okay. They aren't meant to. They have their own beauty + purpose. And there are some parts of me that are going to mend stronger like steel and nourish and fortify. And there are other pieces, too, that are ...as they have always been for us all...pure and untouched. xxx

letting go of the struggle

2012-04-04T23:32:00.004-07:00

“Everyone has talent. What is rare is the courage to follow the talent to the dark place where it leads." - Erica Jong

I have been painting painting painting these past many days (weeks??) but I am right in the middle of a transition in my work...do you know what I mean? It's that place where there are so many many questions...but no answers. It is that place where I am leaving behind what I know but...there is no path and I don't know where I am going...or...where I want to go. It is a place that is fraught with insecurities + fear + the unknown. I have to let go of what I am comfortable with and embrace the mysteries of the process. I know that all sounds so "out there"... but...this is where I am right now. I am going to let go of the struggle and bring my truth, courage and intention to the easel.
**********************************************************************

This is my inspiration right here. Whenever I feel tired or lacking...I take a deep breath and try to summon my courageous pieces; tenacity + resilience as well as my vulnerability. Tara...you fill my dark places with light.

my everyday creative

2012-04-02T17:06:00.001-07:00

This is what my everyday creative looks like:
* excited + joyFULL to wake up every morning with 10 million ideas + stories + colors + paintings + words swirling in my head
* sleep deprived + groggy and needing my coffee
* being totally okay with people I come into contact with on a daily basis (clerk at grocery store, mailman etc) thinking I am a complete bubblehead largely due to the above!!
* constantly making up "to do" lists on top of "to do" lists and trying to whittle them away
* spreading out canvases on the kitchen counter so I can grab every free moment to work
* trying to look presentable?? Uh!!! Most times that's out the door!
* constantly thinking of my work...books that inspire me, backgrounds, poems, fabric...they even work their way into my dreams!!
* having to let a lot of stuff go for now...prioritising and knowing that people who love + care about me will understand
* balancing motherhood + work is trying for so many families; I am simply thankful that I can work from home!! And in my p.j.'s too!!!
* did I mention sleep deprived??
*I love love love what I do with all my heart and soul. To create from the essence of who I am...to bring into this world something from the deepest parts of mySELF that never existed before...it is a gift + a privilege that I simply don't take for granted.
* totally okay with letting the housework slide:)
* absolutely love being surprised by e-mails in my inbox from dear souls clear across the world...or right next door...that tell me how something I wrote about or painted really touched them or connected. LOVE!!
* being consumed with creating...staying up until 2 or 3 in the morning because I just have to paint and completely forgetting that I have to wake up in a few hours.
* forgetting to eat
* not looking at time in days or weeks but according to my inner cycles
* always carrying my camera + notebook with me to record life (trees, sky, self, Tara, hands)
This is some of what my days look like; it's difficult + frustrating + exhausting + joyful + exciting + ...
what does your everyday creative look like??

tonight...

2012-03-30T19:42:00.003-07:00

(tonight...Tara and I playing around under the moon while Tim was doing a few outdoor chores)

I am counting my blessings...big time. In the midst of all the noise and pain and jumbled up emotions...I am choosing to focus on all that is good + right + kind + wonderful in my life. And... In the world. I hope you are too.

digging deep

2012-03-28T21:45:00.002-07:00

I was just reading the current Somerset Life issue and stumbled upon an article that touched me so deeply.
It was written by Christina Martin of Soul Aperture...you must visit her blog; it is chock full of delicious images + uplifting words. It was this right here from her article that reached out to me "There are no words to describe the strength it takes to rescue the most authentic parts of ourselves." Isn't that so true? Well...that what it feels like I am doing right now...digging deep deep deep to rescue the lost parts of mySELF. My words + ideas + images. After reading her article I just wrote down all the things I want to do...no matter how unlikely or improbable (spend a week in Italy!!!) and even some mundane, completely doable ones (take a half hour every day to just be). It felt so good to just write down all these goals and wishes I had, some of which I had completely forgotten about!! Journaling has such magic to unleash hidden-deep desires, don't you think?
In other news...I am so far behind well, everything!! I had been painting up a storm but then a few days ago I got a migraine that lasted 2 whole days!!! It went away finally, thank goodness but it forced everything to a halt!! It is really difficult to find some sort of balance between motherhood and daily life + painting . I think it's simply matter of taking one day at a time:) Hope you are all doing well ...wherever you are. xxx