happy 2nd birthday princess Tara!!

Tara had a wonder-full birthday!

* her fave meal-spaghetti!

* chocolate cake and fresh cream frosting

*extra extra extra love and attention

*A b-day balloon and fresh strawberries from our wonderful neighbor Mary

*special hugs and kisses!

(Happy Birthday Princess Tara-from mommy and daddy!!)

(cutting her b-day cake with daddy)

* thank you so much for the sweet and wonderful birthday wishes! I love this community and all of you!

where did the time go?

(Tara-newborn)

I know all you moms out there can relate to this. Tomorrow is Tara's 2nd birthday and, as I look through her baby pics I wonder, where did the time go? Even though I spend all of my time with her, have documented all her days (in my heart's memory...or with pictures and words)...I simply cannot believe that these two years have just zipped by! I can remember the first moment I laid eyes on her. Her baby touch and smells are with me now...I can remember the first time I held her...How the world seemed different somehow. How scared (okay...terrified!) I was to be responsible for this new life...so precious and tender. But also how it seemed as if she had always existed in some other time and space...just waiting for me. It all seems like yesterday...really.

(Tara-1st birthday)

As I look back on this journey of motherhood, I realise how much we have all grown together...as a family. Dear sweet Tara ...I wish you a happy heart ... and for you to be true to yourSELF for all of your days.

*Will post a birthday pic tomorrow-so please stop back by!

"box full of darkness"

"Someone I loved once gave me a box full of darkness. It took me years to understand that this too, was a gift." -Mary Oliver

I have been chatting with a friend these past few days about some really painful things...and it has brought up so many emotions in me. And a deep realization of the absolute gift these past many years have been. Just a  couple of short years ago-I was deep down struggling to cope with so many, many things. Adjusting to being a very new mamma, Tim having to be away for work, being isolated in so many ways, coping with loss and betrayal,  putting my art on hold and having some extremely negative energy in my life. Do you know how it feels when you are stuck so deep in the morass of ...yuckiness- you just do the best you can without really thinking about it? Well, that"s exactly what I was doing. But then I reached a point where I simply had to make changes... small tiny changes that led to bigger and bigger one...It started with journeying and reading words that soothed and healed me, writing, getting back to painting and creating, exercising...Standing up for mySELF, eliminating negative, life-sucking mean-ness out of my life and making difficult choices. I had to be so bare bones honest with mySELF...and with others. Then, a funny think happened; it became impossible to go back to that old way of being. Once you grow-you can't go back to the way you were-small and fitting into  a box of someone else's making and expectations.
I had been so focused on the emotional sludge, that I hadn't realised to honor my journey; to see how far I have come.And  just today, looking back, I see the absolute priceless gifts that have come out of these past few years. I have been strengthened...become very discerning on the energy I allow into my life (our life)...and have a wisdom and peace that eluded me at that time. Now I can see, that as difficult as these past few years have been-as much as there has been  a diving deep down into so many layers of pain and shame and blame...anger and tears, and deep deep hurts...I have surfaced; stronger, more whole, gifted. So thank you deep darkness-you have been a gift...You came into my life so I could learn how to shine my light in this world. I just had to learn to surrender,  listen and lean into you.

the birth of love...

This is my husband...I haven't posted any pics of him on my blog until now because of the type of work that he does...but now that I have the green light...I am so so proud and happy to be able to share these pics. Let me just say that I knew..I just knew... that he was the one.These are a few of our engagement pics...oh! about 4 and a half years ago. My memory is sooo bad after giving birth.

These pics were taken in Virginia Beach...an overcast, slightly foggy day. Our hearts were full of hope and promise...love in tender bloom; a solemn commitment to each other and our lives together. At the time I was smitten because Tim is sooooo handsome and charming and intelligent and...but these many years later...it is his heart that I am smitten with.

(My engagement ring! and Tim's bling too!!!)

 I was over the moon that day...so long ago...but I had no idea of the happiness that was waiting for us in a little girl named Tara Sophia.

                                                           (my family-Tara's 1st birthday)

cultivating courage

(It starts with us)

"Go back and stand against that one red flower and walk straight ahead for that last hard mile. Go up and knock on the old weathered door. Climb up to the cave. Crawl through the window of  a dream. Sift the desert and see what you find. It is the only work you have to do. Go gather bones."

                                       - Dr. Clarissa Pinkola Estes

Courage has many faces. Sometimes it is quiet and graceful; humble. Sometimes it is bold and daring..loud even...angry. Courage finds us in those moments of quiet desperation when we think it has deserted us altogether. It sits like a bird on our shoulder...guiding us to our true SELVES. Sometimes...courage goes into hiding for so so long that we forget about it completely. But always always always...courage is right here in

our hearts...just waiting to show itself.

                                                           (offering up ourSELVES)
It takes courage to put pen to paper, brush to canvas, stitch to cloth, heart to work. It takes courage to expose our souls in loving each other, creating, reaching out and forming community. There is courage in the true sharing of our stories, in the descending into our dark places, in the telling of it. It takes deep courage to claim all of who we are, all of our stories and mistakes and ...yes! It even takes great big huge courage to claim our gifts and talents; to not play small.  To not want others to play small either.

(Self Portrait at 42-yesterday)

It begins right here...In the honest disclosing of ourSELVES...It's not easy for most of us but it is necessary and vital to truly become who we are meant to be. To reach our higher selves.

In the broken pieces of us...lie seeds of courage that will bloom into our true potential,. Courage is cultivated in so many many ways. In our parts and pieces that are cracked and broken and bent...there lies courage. In our wholeness and light...it is there too. It is in the daring...to be frail, vulnerable... risking failure and foolishness...It is in the falling and the getting up.

(Courageous Heart, mixed media on canvas, archival prints available soon!)

What does your courage look like? Can you give it shape and wings and air? If there is a chasm in your heart that needs to be crossed...courage is that bridge.We all have courageous hearts just waiting to bloom.

"lucky wish"

(lucky wish gloves and roses from the garden)

I bought these super cute gloves from the amazingly talented Robin over at Well of Creations ...aren't they just adorable??? They really lifted up my spirits. As you can tell from yesterday's post...I was feeling, well...old (it happens)!  But these are so sassy and funky...just the thing I needed to cheer me up. I am going to do an interview with Robin soon-once I am able to get my questions together.  I hope you can get to know this super talented and hardworking lady a little better...she has so much to offer.

(we can all use a little HOPE no matter where we are in our lives)

And she is just so sweet...she sent me a handwritten note and a few gifts...thanks Robin, you are a doll! To see more of her wonderful creations...visit her Etsy shop here . I am sure you will find something to inspire and delight you!

                                                (writing in my journal this afternoon)

A few of my lucky wishes right now...

* That we find the screws to Tara's crib. And our phones too...but the screws are waaaaay more important! Tara has been sleeping in her pack and play and with us on the bed. I have to get her back to her routine poor tyke.

* We are fully unpacked and settled in the next couple of weeks. I can only hope!

* Tara starts listening to me more; she listens to Tim no problem but I have to say something a hundred times to get her to do it! Please tell me this is going to get better???

* That I can get back to painting soon.  I have so many many ideas and inspiration galore...I have been writing them down in my journal these past few months

* My blog makeover will turn out exactly as it is in my head

* I have enough time to actually do my blog makeover!

* I can get everything to fit into my studio...

* I can find my lucky female Ganesha statue...it's always been with me.

* we never move again...ever ever ever

Do you have a few lucky wishes of your own? Would you like to share them? Here or...in your journal...or in your heart?

* Tara's nursery is almost all done can you believe...well, except for her crib! Next I am going to tackle my studio! Can't wait to get out my paints and canvas and...like balm to my soul.

today...

We are trying to settle in...you know how it goes. Putting things away, unpacking things I had completely forgotten about and things we just can't seem to find (phones, the screws to Tara's crib!!), boxes and stuff...everywhere. But no complaints here...I am so thankful that we found this place. And can I just say how ecstatic I am to have my clothing...I was getting sick of wearing the same few things every day! Tara is just loving the backyard...there is so much space and new discoveries...and the weather here has been amazing...sunny sunny sunny. Amidst all the hard work today, Tara and I still found time to have some playtime...so fun! And can I just say that I feel really old today. I know, I know...a few weeks back I wrote a post on my birthday that was a completely different story but today...today there are aches and pains (and even creaks!!)... my face is fat and puffy. I could go on ...It just kinda' snuck up on me! Just had to get that out!

                                                                     (Tara this afternoon)

(sitting inside the bathroom sink and making faces in the mirror! A fresh rose from the garden in her hair-loving that!)

(watching the sunset this evening )

early this morning...in our new home

We have been so busy busy here...unpacking and settling in. We are tired but...so happy to be here. I took these pics early this morning while everyone was asleep...

Looking out the kitchen window.

The gorgeous stunning...crazy beautiful rose bushes in our backyard. And they are in bloom right now!!! Oh...and just love those banana trees! Plus...there is a secret garden that we had no idea was there...hidden away...a wonderful, magical surprise. Can't wait to show you pics!

The area behind us is a wildlife preservation area...lots of cactus and wild blooms. The backyard is very private and secluded.

My studio!!! The early morning light is just stunning..it's a small and cosy space but has tons of light pouring in. Can't wait to get things set up! My very own studio...so so happy!! The rest of the house is an absolute mess with boxes everywhere. But...we are slowly making progress. Tara is so happy to finally see all of her toys unpacked. Our first priority is to set up her nursery. We still haven't had a homecooked meal...but soon, very soon!

goodbye Miramar

We are moving early tomorrow morning...I can't believe that it's been 7 weeks (?) since we came to Ca. In some ways it seems much much longer but in other ways...time has just whizzed by...do you know what I mean? It's kinda' funny how that happens. There were 2 b-days plus Xmas and New Years...all spent right here on Miramar Marine Base. I must say that they have completely taken care of us and made this very difficult period of transition much smoother so we feel super lucky. But still, boy! are we glad to leave!! I mean it's pretty difficult living in a hotel with  a toddler.  While we've been here, I have been indulging in a few things I would never otherwise do...
* watching The Office...the show is hilarious! and don't we all know a few of those zany characters in real life???
* eating those microwavable burritos...so not recommended!
* taking Tara to the playground 3-4 times a day
Here's some of what our lives have looked like this past while...

(I have been wearing a variation of this outfit pretty much everyday!!)

This is where I have been blogging from...this tiny desk and Tim's laptop...as you can see, I have my little sidekick with me all the time. With sketchy internet connections and Tara wanting to play with the computer...it has been a challenge. But so glad I have been able to blog during this time; it has kept me sane and been such a tremendous source of strength and support.

(U.S. Marine fighter jets...right here on Miramar!!)

We pass by this plane on our morning walks...there are 3 of them. They are actual Marine fighter jets that were used in WWII and have  been retired right here on Miramar. They are not as big as you might expect but you can tell...they are mean fighting machines!! Even today!! I am not really into planes and things but these jets are beautiful! Streamlined and powerful...they are built to last! Tara just loves them! Maybe she thinks they are super huge toys to play with!!

  (Tara with her doll Mimi...and that's the gorgeous quilt I was telling you about. I put it on the bed to make things more homey!!)

The biggest surprise has been how much Tara has  grown these past few months ...The pic above was taken a few days ago and...hasn't she just sprouted up? She is sooooo tall now and  developing new mannerisms every day. I hardly ever see the little baby in her anymore...only every now and then when she's just about to fall asleep. For the most part, she's a little girl... in full blown terrible two's mode at that!! Her very newest thing is throwing herself on the floor when she doesn't get her way!! I think once we settle down and she's back to her routine...she will stop this very annoying habit. Okay!! I hear some of you chuckling over there but...that's my hope anyway:) Oh! and that cute little flower headband lasted about a full minute on her head before it was ripped out and thrown on the floor!! Overall though, she has handled this very difficult period of transition remarkably well. I am very proud of her.

Well...goodbye Miramar and this period of our lives...thank you for taking such good care of us.

*Hopefully we will have the Internet hooked up at our new place soon so I can be back to blogging :) Please check back soon...I just can't wait to show you our backyard-it's just crazy beautiful..did I mention there are rosebushes?

it's been a struggle...

 "I hope you will go out and let stories happen to you, and that you will work them, water them with your blood and tears and your laughter till they bloom, till you yourself burst into bloom." - Dr. Clarissa Pinkola Estes (Oh!! how I just love, adore and am smitten with this woman!)
This time has been a struggle. And not just the past 7 weeks living here in a hotel, but the entire past year...and beyond that even. Way beyond that...I think I am only now just catching up to it a little. One day I will share the stories...not just yet. I haven't yet gathered all the courage I need to fully tell it with the honesty and clarity it deserves. And I am still sorting through all the emotional muck to piece things together. But yes! It has definitely been a struggle ...not just for me but for my entire little family. These past so many years...I have had to go deep deep down and navigate murky waters...and sometimes I have felt as if I were drowning and gasping and ...just putting one foot in front of the other. I have had to make some very difficult decisions on how I want to live my life...going forward, on the legacy I want to leave Tara...on the kind of person I am, on who I want to be.

(Storyteller, archival prints available soon!)

When I first started my blog about a year ago...I had no idea of what kind of format it would be or how much I would share personally. It's all kind of taken on a life of it's own...leading me. Now my blog has become like my art...the truth takes precedence over all else. What do I want to say? Who am I really? Can I share my stories with truth and humility? These are difficult questions and the answers require that I live it...with my words and deeds and not just know it intellectually.

I was raised in an environment that was all about pretense and denial; there was no room for vulnerability or truth-telling. There was a deep sense of shame that permeated any sort of being your true self. I have always been different...there was something deep inside of me that guided me to speak the truth...I knew that my very (soul) life depended on it. But ..there has been the price (and the gift...yes! the gift) of ostracism, shaming and exile. It is this shame that binds us to our fears, that keeps us from reaching our full potential...that keeps us locked in dark and painful places. I know this!! This pretending that everything is okay, that we are someone that we are not, that we have this "perfect" life. That we can't share our sadness, our pain, our humanity...for fear we will be less than, or maybe we will make someone uncomfortable or even worst...That we are not worthy of claiming all the parts of ourSELVES. As if to show our pain, our true SELVES...we are somehow...less than.

(Truth-Teller, archival prints available soon!!)

So yes, it has been a struggle...Yet through it all...I have stitched together a life for mySELF...

                                         (my heart right here...walking on the beach...)

A life that now centers around these two people over here...A life that is nourished by good friends, art, books, creativity, this very blogging community...A life that includes truth...love, nature, photography, A life that honors the struggles we go through... A life that is inspired by authentic, brave, real life women who share their stories...
And a deep and abiding faith that I am guided...that everything is exactly how it is supposed to be...that the Universe hold us all ...so close...so close...

"letting life happen"

  " Let life happen to you. Believe me: life is in the right, always."

-Rainer Maria Rilke

After my last post of sheer ...overwhelm things have turned around. I am a little wary of getting too excited after all the twists and turns of the past few months but...we move out of here this Saturday!!! That's the plan and I think it's actually going to happen this time!! Can you hear a huge loud OMG!!! over there in your corner of the world?? I am soooo excited I can barely stand it!! It's a gorgeous house with lots of light pouring in everywhere,  huge windows...honey wood floors...A ginormous backyard (with rose bushes, a tiny bridge and a play set for Tara) ...can't wait to show you pics. There is a darling little deck off the master bedroom where we can have breakfast and Tara has a nursery and a tiny playroom (actually a huge closet that slopes and turns towards the back)!!. And guess what?? ...I am going to have an entire room for my studio!!  (happy just thinking of it!!)
The house is not very big but so beautiful and homey.  Also...it's much closer to San Diego proper so Tim doesn't have to drive for 2 hours a day to commute to work. That would have been brutal. We are going to rent it for a year (we were going to buy but that's another long story) and just couldn't be couldn't be more over-the-moon excited about it!

So I have been planning and scheming and writing down all sorts of lists...
* I have this sumptuous red/pink/gold sari fabric that I want to turn into curtains for my studio...maybe add a swath of turquoise fabric at the bottom?
* am going to put Tara's birdhouse collection on the huge tree by the side of the house
* can't wait to get all my books and art supplies out!!! (swoon)
* am actually looking forward to washing dishes and cleaning and cooking (never thought I would ever say that!!!!)
* am writing out ideas for paintings and projects and...all sorts of things
* am looking forward to Tara getting back on her schedule and Tim and I spending some quality time together (can't remember what that's like)
* am going to get a little chimeneya (an outdoor fireplace) that I have always wanted...
* am already planning -in every detail -my little studio...storage solutions, organizers, inspiration board...
* so looking forward to eating a real home cooked meal
These past 7 (??) weeks or so have been  jam packed with so many emotions, a blur of activity and ups and downs...Just breathing a huge sigh of relief over here...taking a huge breath and "allowing life to happen"...

confessions...

"Every day is a journey and the journey itself is home." -Matsuo Basho

I would say that most of the time, I am a pretty optimistic person. I mean...I always try to look at the bright side of things and trust that there is a reason that things happen as they do...even if I have no idea why!! But I must confess that sometimes...it all gets very exhausting and...tiresome. Sometimes it's so much easier to indulge in a good dose of self-pity, "what was I thinking???" and a good old freaking out. There!!! I spilled the beans!! Sometimes I can be a total complainer!! This weekend was such blur of activity (again!!). Mundane things like standing in line at Walmart to return a few things (a nightmare on a Saturday!), finally getting a haircut that I am not completely happy with but am too exhausted to pay much attention to, a routine medical appointment. And planning Tara's birthday -which I would normally be over the moon about every little detail but -right now seems overwhelming...on and on. And I really started to feel like "what on earth was I thinking when I agreed to move out here from Va? " I mean...I did agree to move out here!!! So after indulging myself with tears, blame and lemon cake...I sat down with my journal, lit a candle and took a deep breath. There is some lesson to be learned here, some kernel of truth that I have missed...something!!

This is what I realised ...Sometimes.... things just are as they are!!

Okay...no brilliant epiphany...but true nonetheless! All steps on the journey...all...

it's been a year...

                              (Happy Birthday dear blog...red velvet cupcake from Tim's birthday)
It's been a year since I started my blog so now seems the perfect time to tell you my  whole blogging story. Initially I set up my blog to get my art "out there" and to challenge myself...At least, that was the hazy idea I had. I set up my blogspot account about 2 and a half years before I actually wrote my first post!! What?? Now during this time I had a ton of stuff going on...adjusting to married life, Tim deployed to Iraq, we moved across the country (twice!!), I was pregnant and gave birth to Tara, I started painting again. So it was a life changing period; a full, full time...But the real reason why I couldn't  actually write in my blog was this. I was frozen...by fear and insecurity. What would I have to say, how was I going to maintain the commitment of regular postings, who would want to read my words anyways...on and on. Like so many many of us...I didn't think my words and stories had meaning and value. Plus just the very thought of exposing mySELF in such a personal and intimate way...was enough to make me throw up!! So time just dragged on while my poor blog remained empty, lonely and very very sad! A couple of months before actually taking the plunge, I picked up a copy of Artful Blogger and...I was amazed, in awe, inspired and ...well, simply stunned at the wealth of fantastic blogs out there. Art, photos, writings, knitting, scrapbooking, food, entire lives in progress...the variety and depth was mind blowing....and I wanted to be a small part of it. So I  wrote my first post. I had absolutely no idea what I was doing...seriously!!! But I knew this right from the start; I was going to be honest, authentic...real. I was just going to be me! I mean, what's the point of doing it otherwise...and who else could I be anyways:)...? Starting my blog was one of the best things I did in 2010!! Not that it was all smooth sailing let me tell you; I almost shut down my blog in May when Tim had a very difficult and painful shoulder surgery and I became completely overwhelmed. But I stuck through those periods of self doubt, overwhelm and insecurity. In the first few months of postings (I now notice) my writings were shy...reserved...unsure. It was a process of unearthing...my creativity, my heart...mySELF. This journey of blogging has led me to parts of mysELF I never knew were there...parts that were long forgotten. For me...blogging has been as much about the inner journey of unearthing mySELF as it has been about connecting with others...

                            (reading the current issue of Artful Blogging-serious inspiration!)
Now, after a year of blogging...a few things I have learned:
* It really is all about connecting with heart . I have "met" the most wonderful, kind hearted, creative, earthy, amazing mammas, old souls, artists, authors, photographers, all around creative folk out there...and the generosity of spirit, huge hearts, support, help...has been amazing and truly a gift I never could of anticipated...but one that I am forever grateful for.
* Blogging has transformed me...the journey has peeled off layers and layers of self doubt to expose a creative soul who loves to write, take photos, share my creative process, reach out and form community. And oh yeah...I'm kinda' crafty too (who knew!!)
* Blogging has motivated and inspired my art-making process and has shaped my intentions before I even get to the canvas.
* It's awesome to have a visual diary of the year and boy! I just wish I had started sooner!!
* The process of writing a post every few days has really fertilized and nourished my creativity. In the beginning, I often had bloggers' block...but the more posts I write...the easier it becomes. There are just so many thing to share...it's really endless. And now I can connect with a whole world of creatives. How else can I get inside the studio of an artist who lives all the way across the world?
* My blog has taken on a life of it's own...while I write about all the many facets of (my) life...art, books, family, motherhood..I find that my blog has shaped me as much as I have shaped it.
* I was surprised at how attached and ...protective I am of this space. It houses all of my deepest parts...my thoughts and feelings, my art and words...photos and ideas...my very essence. It is a very sacred and spiritual place to me...

*I want to thank every single person who takes the time to read my blog. For commenting and offering support and kindness and a listening ear. We are all connected in this web of life...on this journey. And if you are reading this and thinking of starting your own blog...do it!!! You will be surprised at the unearthing of all the parts of ...yourSELF...

(Creative Soul Unearthed, mixed media, archival prints available soon!)

how this process of transition is opening my heart

                         (Heart Wide Open, mixed media on canvas, archival prints available soon!)
We have been living in a hotel for about 5 or 6 weeks now; I am not quite sure because I have completely lost track of time. It's not a regular hotel either-we are staying on the Miramar Marine base so I consider us to be very lucky. We have two huge suites plus a small kitchenette and, of course, a bathroom. It's a new facility with (sketchy) Internet service, tons of playgrounds for Tara plus pretty much everything we could want right here. So we are fortunate...but it has still been one of the most stressful times of our entire married lives. We are hopeful that we will be in a home soon...but these things take time. Lots and lots of time! And then sometimes things don't go as planned so it's back to square one!!  It is utterly exhausting. I can go for days and days doing just fine and then I will get really cranky and stressed, depressed and just out of sorts...tears for no reason and very very weary. Tara is off her schedule. It is horrible not being able to paint and create (it's kinda' driving me nuts)...Also-wearing the same few pieces of clothing is really getting...tiresome. But this process of transition is opening up my heart in ways I don't fully understand but am completely grateful for. There is a lot of having to have faith in the path ahead. I mean that's when it really counts, isn't it, in times of complete and utter uncertainty. But this whole process has been very humbling and it really brings the important things into focus. Yes!! My heart is opening wide...

(everytime I see our shoes in a row...makes me soooo happy)

My family all being together; that is the number one thing that makes this worthwhile. It may be such a small thing but every time I see all of our shoes together in a row...I feel content and calm. Blissed out! Happy open heart. And my blog has been both an incredible source of support and friendship (thank you so much you wonder-FULL souls) and an amazing creative outlet. Real friendships are forming that are nourishing and sustaining me. Complete strangers opening up their hearts and homes to us this holiday season opened my heart up to the amazing goodness in people. Tara riding her red tricycle in the crisp winter sunshine. Tim going through so much trouble after a long and difficult day to make sure I had a fantastic birthday. And a few things that instantly puts a smile on my face ...Tara squealing with joy when I beg her to kiss me! It's a game we play and she loves it...she withholds her kisses while I beg her "Please Princess Tara...can mommy have a kissie-kissie"...and then she finally gives in and plants a huge smooch on me!! My hearts bursts wide open to see her so happy:) I mean...it cracks her up!! When I see the gorgeous jewel-toned patchwork quilt that Tim gave me ( one of my birthday gifts)...I love it!! And Tara and I had our toenails painted today...a luscious ruby wine ...to brighten up our day! It's the little things that open up our hearts...it really is...

(chocolate cheesecake birthday cake and that's my gorgous quilt under the tissue paper!!)

on turning 42, intentions + journey-ing

(trying to get ready this morning before Tara stole

my toothbrush and got toothpaste all over the place!!)

I just turned 42  and as I head into the second half of life, here are some of my thoughts on ageing:

* There is nothing quite like having a toddler entering the terrible (uh...I mean...terrific!!) two's to make me feel physically old while simultaneously feeling  young in spirit! It's kind of strange living in this dichotomous world...I feel like a kid again when we sing and dance and play but...my body doesn't!!

* I know of people who lie about their age but that has never really made much sense to me. I mean...it doesn't change your actual age and it's denying a basic part of who we are. A negation of our very lives.
* I am very proud to say I am 42! I have earned every single year; there were so so many times when I just didn't think I would get here (especially in my teens).
* I find that as soon as I entered my 40's I changed; I gave birth and turned 40 in the same month so the effect was magnified. I became more comfortable in my skin, my priorities changed, I became bold. I no longer cared so much what others though of me and I started following my heart, my gut. I started navigating my life and choices by my inner compass-feels so good!!
* I don't feel any older than I did a year ago. Yeah-there are physical changes (so much gray hair, aches and pains, slowing metabolism to name  a few!)...but I don't feel any older!
* As I get older, it's not so much about what I look like...it's about my health...it's about my spirit and heart and creative work. It's about focusing on people I love, building relationships, stitching together a life, connecting. It's about expanding my capacity for...heart. It's not about looking younger either; it's about becoming more of who I am.
P.S. Thank you to so so many of you who sent me such wonder-FULL, heartwarming birthday wishes...my inbox was full of birthday love this morning!! Oh!! BTW...I had an amazing dinner tonight...ravioli stuffed with portabello mushroom and meat in a creamy, smoky, sun dried tomato sauce...bread dipped in olive oil and vinegar and...chocolate cheesecake!!!

                          (journey-ing requires heart...and cute shoes don't hurt either!!!)
I don't make New Years resolutions anymore; they just didn't work for me. Now I hold deep intentions...I hold them in my  heart and then allow the Universe to give them shape and breath and wings. Here are a few very important ones for 2011:
* At the very top of my list...continued health for my loved ones, mySELF
* We find a home that is just right for my family. A place where we can raise Tara...where I can cook, create, plant, love, live in ease and beauty.
* That we expand our family...I know, I know...I'm 42!! If I were younger, I would want to have maybe 3 or 4 children (ssssh...Don't tell Tim!!!!)...but at my age...It is my heart's deepest intention to have another baby.
* That my creative fires burn with truth and courage, love and grace. That I bring forward into this world, what only I can bring.
* I continue to challenge mySELF in every possible way; that I continue to grow and step beyond mySELF.
* I build community...friendships...
* That I continue to open my heart up...to love...to life. To...journey...
Do you have any intentions for this year? Would you like to share them here, on your blog...or in your heart?

(Trusting the Journey, Mixed media on canvas, archival prints available soon)

The  process of journey-ing is a transformative one. It's not so much the actual physical changes it brings; ...but it's the changing of our inner landscape. When I look back on life's journey...I see how some experiences break us down...burn us to ash and then build us back up again ...mold us, carry us to different (higher) parts of ourSELVES...changing our very person. They expand who we are, who we can become. I have trust in this journey...I have trust in mySELF.