"Someone I loved once gave me a box full of darkness. It took me years to understand that this too, was a gift." -Mary Oliver
I have been chatting with a friend these past few days about some really painful things...and it has brought up so many emotions in me. And a deep realization of the absolute gift these past many years have been. Just a couple of short years ago-I was deep down struggling to cope with so many, many things. Adjusting to being a very new mamma, Tim having to be away for work, being isolated in so many ways, coping with loss and betrayal, putting my art on hold and having some extremely negative energy in my life. Do you know how it feels when you are stuck so deep in the morass of ...yuckiness- you just do the best you can without really thinking about it? Well, that"s exactly what I was doing. But then I reached a point where I simply had to make changes... small tiny changes that led to bigger and bigger one...It started with journeying and reading words that soothed and healed me, writing, getting back to painting and creating, exercising...Standing up for mySELF, eliminating negative, life-sucking mean-ness out of my life and making difficult choices. I had to be so bare bones honest with mySELF...and with others. Then, a funny think happened; it became impossible to go back to that old way of being. Once you grow-you can't go back to the way you were-small and fitting into a box of someone else's making and expectations.
I had been so focused on the emotional sludge, that I hadn't realised to honor my journey; to see how far I have come.And just today, looking back, I see the absolute priceless gifts that have come out of these past few years. I have been strengthened...become very discerning on the energy I allow into my life (our life)...and have a wisdom and peace that eluded me at that time. Now I can see, that as difficult as these past few years have been-as much as there has been a diving deep down into so many layers of pain and shame and blame...anger and tears, and deep deep hurts...I have surfaced; stronger, more whole, gifted. So thank you deep darkness-you have been a gift...You came into my life so I could learn how to shine my light in this world. I just had to learn to surrender, listen and lean into you.