My He(ART)-Full Life



Thursday, January 27, 2011

"box full of darkness"


"Someone I loved once gave me a box full of darkness. It took me years to understand that this too, was a gift." -Mary Oliver

I have been chatting with a friend these past few days about some really painful things...and it has brought up so many emotions in me. And a deep realization of the absolute gift these past many years have been. Just a  couple of short years ago-I was deep down struggling to cope with so many, many things. Adjusting to being a very new mamma, Tim having to be away for work, being isolated in so many ways, coping with loss and betrayal,  putting my art on hold and having some extremely negative energy in my life. Do you know how it feels when you are stuck so deep in the morass of ...yuckiness- you just do the best you can without really thinking about it? Well, that"s exactly what I was doing. But then I reached a point where I simply had to make changes... small tiny changes that led to bigger and bigger one...It started with journeying and reading words that soothed and healed me, writing, getting back to painting and creating, exercising...Standing up for mySELF, eliminating negative, life-sucking mean-ness out of my life and making difficult choices. I had to be so bare bones honest with mySELF...and with others. Then, a funny think happened; it became impossible to go back to that old way of being. Once you grow-you can't go back to the way you were-small and fitting into  a box of someone else's making and expectations.
I had been so focused on the emotional sludge, that I hadn't realised to honor my journey; to see how far I have come.And  just today, looking back, I see the absolute priceless gifts that have come out of these past few years. I have been strengthened...become very discerning on the energy I allow into my life (our life)...and have a wisdom and peace that eluded me at that time. Now I can see, that as difficult as these past few years have been-as much as there has been  a diving deep down into so many layers of pain and shame and blame...anger and tears, and deep deep hurts...I have surfaced; stronger, more whole, gifted. So thank you deep darkness-you have been a gift...You came into my life so I could learn how to shine my light in this world. I just had to learn to surrender,  listen and lean into you.

11 comments:

Robin Norgren said...

Oh my goodness sweetie - this is SO SO POWERFUL! I too have had the same box of darkness and the light SO ILLUMINATES my life now; it is hard to believe that there was that time before. As always, the depth of your soul in this space is INSPIRING...

Kelly said...

You are always speaking the language of my heart! XXOO Hope things are going well for you!

eva diva said...

I have a quote books where I write down quotes that are empowering, and this post reminded me of my fav one, "Most of the shadows of this life are caused by standing in one's own sunshine" by Ralph Waldo Emerson.

It's so easy to be appreciative of the good days and wanting to forget the dark nights of the soul. But it's powerful to acknowledge that it's the dark times, the box full of darkness that really make us do the work so we can shine light into our lives.

Thank you dear for reminding me to see also where I am today, strengthened, more wholesome, more me!Powerful insights!

Azart73 said...

One day, I will be able to completely understand the growth that you are now experiencing and the lightness in your heart that you feel now. I have just started that journey. The last two years bring painful, painful memories that even now, I don't know how I'll get over them. But I know I have to. This is why I've started photographing, painting and journaling again. Thanks for giving me the inspiration I so desperately need as I need the constant reassurance that things CAN get better. ;o)

Carola Bartz said...

Soraya, you have written it so well and powerful - what it feels like to be in complete darkness and what it takes to come out of it and see light. It is tough and rough at the moment, but when you look back later you can see all the changes it brought for your life - and many good changes.

I'm sorry I've been "away" for so long - I'm still struggling with Katie's killing. But it's getting better, I've accepted that I will never understand it and I just cherish the memories I have of her. It is easier for me to move on than for her family. Thank you for sending me all your thoughtful mails and comments. They mean a lot to me.

carol gourley said...

Oh my goodness Soraya, these words can be mine! I have travelled a similar journey in the last couple of years and I am sure there are others.
Thank you for expressing your experiences so clearly so I can be reminded of my own reviaval .
Also, for letting others know, who are only half way there, that the end of the journey will be worth the trip.
xo

Michele from Pipi La La said...

Wow - amazing post! The depth and beauty of your inner self always shines so bright. Much love to you! ♥

whollyafool said...

I love that Mary Oliver quote! I have been in these dark places too, and I've just recently begun to realize that 1) I always find my way out, and 2) I've never once regretted where I've been.

scrapwordsmom said...

This is beautiful, Soraya. This is what we are learning to do in my Soul Restoration class and it is changing my life!!!

Brilliant and so happy that you are where you are today!!!

Wini said...

Congratulations on learning how to shine a light in this world and thank you for sharing your journey! You are such an inspiration!!

ArtPropelled said...

You can be so proud of what you have achieved Soraya. I admire the way you have coped with sadness and betrayal. You are an amazing woman!