the journey to here + now

                                                      (photo taken by Tara and edited by proud mamma!!)
  "Faith includes noticing the mess, the emptiness and discomfort and letting it be there until the light returns." -Anne Lamott

My 2 words for the year are faith and surrender...it felt right to me when I picked them out...but the journey to the here + now has been perilous and fraught with fears and inadequacies. Not so long ago, these words would have sent me running for the woods!! They would have made me cringe, become filled with anxiety and, quite frankly, just a little bit neurotic!!!! But now these words resonate with me in a powerful way that is only possible because of the long road I've traveled. I had to experience that faith meant accepting and claiming all of it...the ugliness + pain, the vulnerabilities and shame...guilt, joy, love... mistakes and all. Faith didn't mean flowery perfection but rather, the acceptance of life...as is. And rather than the externals changing...it was I who changed.

“I do not understand the mystery of grace -- only that it meets us where we are and does not leave us where it found us.” _Anne Lamott
I've got some great news that I can't wait to share with you guys!!! And the best part is...that whether this blessing had come into my life or not...I had the utmost faith I am exactly where I am supposed to be; here + now. xxx

remember your dreams

I came across this sign in the window the other day...and I felt it was a huge reminder to me ...and to so many of us. Once we become moms and have families to take care; little ones who need us and are so utterly dependent...we may put our dreams on the back burner. Oh! Only until they go off to school or maybe...college!!
For me...things were entirely different in so many ways. Maybe it was because I became a mom the very same month I turned 40 (!!!) but I started pursuing my dreams much more after Tara was born. There was just something about becoming a mother that made me more ambitious about my art. That made me feel that I want to do work that I am proud of and that would speak to Tara long after am gone. Work that I'm proud of and that she would be proud of one day too. All of  a sudden my mortality became a stark reality. I am not going to be here forever; none of us are. I realised that "one day" was not a possibility anymore only "right now". And becoming a mom gave me the courage to be vulnerable. My family needed me to be real, authentic, strong and...vulnerable. I needed it too. Becoming a mom opened up all of my locked dreams.

 I wanted to deeply speak my truth, paint from my heart and have her be proud of her mommy. I also knew how important it was for her to see me pursuing my dreams + passions Because  one day I want her to do the same; whatever they may be. I never saw any dichotomy between family and work. I never felt that I had to pick between one or the other. It is all an act of deep love and faith; a belief in what's truly important in life. There are so many times (actually, almost every single day!!) when I am exhausted after a long day of taking care of Tara but I still go into my studio. It's an act of love and passion  that I consider myself very fortunate to have in my life.
So dear soul: whoever you are, wherever you are remember remember remember

* to take care of yourSELF
* to follow your heart
* to believe in yourSELF
and...to remember your dreams. They may be lost, hidden or tucked away safely somewhere. But remembering them is the first step to achieving them . xxx
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P.S. Tara had her very first gymnastics class today and she absolutely loved it!! (Can you tell from the pic??) My heart spilled over with mamma love and pride to see her. I want her to have every opportunity to excel at what she loves and is good at. No boxes to put her in because of her gender or or or. Not any of that for my Tara.

it's been a struggle...

 "I hope you will go out and let stories happen to you, and that you will work them, water them with your blood and tears and your laughter till they bloom, till you yourself burst into bloom." - Dr. Clarissa Pinkola Estes (Oh!! how I just love, adore and am smitten with this woman!)
This time has been a struggle. And not just the past 7 weeks living here in a hotel, but the entire past year...and beyond that even. Way beyond that...I think I am only now just catching up to it a little. One day I will share the stories...not just yet. I haven't yet gathered all the courage I need to fully tell it with the honesty and clarity it deserves. And I am still sorting through all the emotional muck to piece things together. But yes! It has definitely been a struggle ...not just for me but for my entire little family. These past so many years...I have had to go deep deep down and navigate murky waters...and sometimes I have felt as if I were drowning and gasping and ...just putting one foot in front of the other. I have had to make some very difficult decisions on how I want to live my life...going forward, on the legacy I want to leave Tara...on the kind of person I am, on who I want to be.

(Storyteller, archival prints available soon!)

When I first started my blog about a year ago...I had no idea of what kind of format it would be or how much I would share personally. It's all kind of taken on a life of it's own...leading me. Now my blog has become like my art...the truth takes precedence over all else. What do I want to say? Who am I really? Can I share my stories with truth and humility? These are difficult questions and the answers require that I live it...with my words and deeds and not just know it intellectually.

I was raised in an environment that was all about pretense and denial; there was no room for vulnerability or truth-telling. There was a deep sense of shame that permeated any sort of being your true self. I have always been different...there was something deep inside of me that guided me to speak the truth...I knew that my very (soul) life depended on it. But ..there has been the price (and the gift...yes! the gift) of ostracism, shaming and exile. It is this shame that binds us to our fears, that keeps us from reaching our full potential...that keeps us locked in dark and painful places. I know this!! This pretending that everything is okay, that we are someone that we are not, that we have this "perfect" life. That we can't share our sadness, our pain, our humanity...for fear we will be less than, or maybe we will make someone uncomfortable or even worst...That we are not worthy of claiming all the parts of ourSELVES. As if to show our pain, our true SELVES...we are somehow...less than.

(Truth-Teller, archival prints available soon!!)

So yes, it has been a struggle...Yet through it all...I have stitched together a life for mySELF...

                                         (my heart right here...walking on the beach...)

A life that now centers around these two people over here...A life that is nourished by good friends, art, books, creativity, this very blogging community...A life that includes truth...love, nature, photography, A life that honors the struggles we go through... A life that is inspired by authentic, brave, real life women who share their stories...
And a deep and abiding faith that I am guided...that everything is exactly how it is supposed to be...that the Universe hold us all ...so close...so close...

Life's Journey...

 "But he descended the hill, a sadness came upon him, and he thought in his heart: How shall I go in peace and without sorrow? Nay, not without a wound in the spirit shall I leave this city...
Yet I cannot tarry longer.
The sea that calls all things unto her calls me, and I must embark. 
For to stay, though the hours burn in the night, is to freeze and crystallize and be bound in a mould..."
                                                                          Kahil Gibran, The Prophet
This passage is from one of my favorite books-The Prophet. I always always always turn to these words. So many times we get stuck in our comfort zone and fear change...at least, that's the way it is with me. But life is full of ebbs and flows...we can try to fight against it (as I sometimes do) ...or surrender.

I trust that this journey of life is exactly as it is meant to be...that there is a path ahead...even if I can't quite see where it leads...