My He(ART)-Full Life



Thursday, January 13, 2011

it's been a struggle...

 "I hope you will go out and let stories happen to you, and that you will work them, water them with your blood and tears and your laughter till they bloom, till you yourself burst into bloom." - Dr. Clarissa Pinkola Estes (Oh!! how I just love, adore and am smitten with this woman!)
This time has been a struggle. And not just the past 7 weeks living here in a hotel, but the entire past year...and beyond that even. Way beyond that...I think I am only now just catching up to it a little. One day I will share the stories...not just yet. I haven't yet gathered all the courage I need to fully tell it with the honesty and clarity it deserves. And I am still sorting through all the emotional muck to piece things together. But yes! It has definitely been a struggle ...not just for me but for my entire little family. These past so many years...I have had to go deep deep down and navigate murky waters...and sometimes I have felt as if I were drowning and gasping and ...just putting one foot in front of the other. I have had to make some very difficult decisions on how I want to live my life...going forward, on the legacy I want to leave Tara...on the kind of person I am, on who I want to be.
(Storyteller, archival prints available soon!)
When I first started my blog about a year ago...I had no idea of what kind of format it would be or how much I would share personally. It's all kind of taken on a life of it's own...leading me. Now my blog has become like my art...the truth takes precedence over all else. What do I want to say? Who am I really? Can I share my stories with truth and humility? These are difficult questions and the answers require that I live it...with my words and deeds and not just know it intellectually.
I was raised in an environment that was all about pretense and denial; there was no room for vulnerability or truth-telling. There was a deep sense of shame that permeated any sort of being your true self. I have always been different...there was something deep inside of me that guided me to speak the truth...I knew that my very (soul) life depended on it. But ..there has been the price (and the gift...yes! the gift) of ostracism, shaming and exile. It is this shame that binds us to our fears, that keeps us from reaching our full potential...that keeps us locked in dark and painful places. I know this!! This pretending that everything is okay, that we are someone that we are not, that we have this "perfect" life. That we can't share our sadness, our pain, our humanity...for fear we will be less than, or maybe we will make someone uncomfortable or even worst...That we are not worthy of claiming all the parts of ourSELVES. As if to show our pain, our true SELVES...we are somehow...less than.
(Truth-Teller, archival prints available soon!!)
So yes, it has been a struggle...Yet through it all...I have stitched together a life for mySELF...
                                         (my heart right here...walking on the beach...)
A life that now centers around these two people over here...A life that is nourished by good friends, art, books, creativity, this very blogging community...A life that includes truth...love, nature, photography, A life that honors the struggles we go through... A life that is inspired by authentic, brave, real life women who share their stories...
And a deep and abiding faith that I am guided...that everything is exactly how it is supposed to be...that the Universe hold us all ...so close...so close...

3 comments:

Meegan, Blue Moon Mama said...

I hope you will feel comfortable sharing the journey & struggles that have led you to this place of authenticity and made you into the incredible light bearing spirit that I so admire.

I'm sorry I haven't commented much recently but I LOVE your recent posts, so full of honesty & heart. I've been struggling with how to share more of my own truth in my blog. It really can be so hard to be vulnerable. Your vulnerability truly inspires me.

P. S. I'm lighting candles in hopes that your wish for a bigger family will come true :).

SooZeQue said...

Oh my friend those false people do not understand that "the truth will set you free". But you "get it" and so you shall be. Hugs

Kelly said...

This post is so, so great, Soraya. (and not because you linked me up with bravery...wow!) Thank you for sharing your heart. It really speaks to mine. It's good to know that we are going through this, and we will get through this, and we are not alone. Thanks friend!