journey

“The doors to the world of the wild Self are few but precious. If you have a deep scar, that is a door, if you have an old, old story, that is a door. If you love the sky and the water so much you almost cannot bear it, that is a door. If you yearn for a deeper life, a full life, a sane life, that is a door.”- Dr.Clarissa Pinkola Estés, WWRWW 

I've been opening all sorts of doors withing mySELF lately and it's left me feeling both invigorated and depleted. I'm at a juncture in my journey that is messy, complicated, scary... confusing. I hate that! But I am learning to lean into those spaces of uncertainty knowing that I am whole...as is. It's terribly difficult...this trusting in myself ...but is there any other choice??

heroes of our own lives

For most of my life I have lived in the past and the future...rarely in the present. Heartbroken about my childhood and worried and fearful of my future. Slipping through the cracks and waiting for someone else...something else...to save me. Never once thinking that I could be my own hero! Are you like that? So many of us are. Living anywhere but the now and putting our hopes on someone else. 
  These days...I really try to be mindful of each step...this is life right here! Believing in ourSELVES, trusting in our possibility and potential takes work. I set an intention...at the start of each day, before I paint or write. I don't always succeed...but I try. It's a practice. I am here. now.

Poetry

By

Mary Oliver

"The Journey

One day you finally knew

what you had to do, and began,

though the voices around you

kept shouting

their bad advice--

though the whole house

began to tremble

and you felt the old tug

at your ankles.

"Mend my life!"

each voice cried.

But you didn't stop.

You knew what you had to do,

though the wind pried

with its stiff fingers

at the very foundations,

though their melancholy

was terrible.

It was already late

enough, and a wild night,

and the road full of fallen

branches and stones.

But little by little,

as you left their voices behind,

the stars began to burn

through the sheets of clouds,

and there was a new voice

which you slowly

recognized as your own,

that kept you company

as you strode deeper and deeper

into the world,

determined to do

the only thing you could do--

determined to save 

the only life you could save."

                                     -Mary Oliver 

 Tara's 4th birthday is coming up in a few days and it has made me very emotional and nostalgic. Full of the smells and memories of pregnancy, birth and a love so wide it swallowed me up whole. My sweet girl...she conquered me.

 

"There's courage involved if you want

to become truth. 

There is a broken- open place in a lover. 

Where are those qualities of bravery and
sharp compassion in this group? What's the
use of old and frozen thought? 

I want a howling hurt. This is not a treasury
where gold is stored; this is for copper.

We alchemists look for talent that
can heat up and change. 

Lukewarm won't do. Halfhearted holding back,
well-enough getting by? Not here."

                                                     - Rumi

 

And so it is that we all are the heroes of our own lives. We have to be. And every step leads us to here...this place of NOW.

3 years into motherhood

Tara turns 3 in a few days and besides feeling happy + proud + sad (all at once) that she is growing up so fast...I am also reflecting on how motherhood has been the journey of my life!! Maybe it's because I turned 40 and gave birth all in the same month (!!) but...giving birth was actually the process of me birthing mySELF. It has been a transformative, soul shattering, heart opening journey; a crash course in vulnerability. It changed everything. Period. Is it always bliss? Heck no!!! Being a good parent is the most difficult thing in the world...kind of like trying to run a marathon... in the dark!!! There are no manuals and it all happens largely in isolation. But...it is the most important aspect of my life...to raise my daughter as best I can. And here she is...very sassy + self assured, smart and silly all at once, part princess + part tomgirl. Every day is an adventure and she inspires me  to be kinder, tougher,  more resilient + more vulnerable while also reminding me that I am loved exactly as I am. She is a gift...unequaled.

some thoughts on trusting our heart, being published and working through our fears

(following her true-prints available soon)

"Our work is to show we have been breathed upon - to show it, give it out, sing it out, to live out in the topside world what we have received through our sudden knowings, from body, from dreams and journeys of all sorts."            -Dr. Clarissa Pinkola Estes

(yesterday afternoon)

When I went to the mailbox yesterday...I found this complimentary copy of the Somerset Gallery issue...thank you Somerset!!  I was shocked to discover that my name is on the cover!!! Thank you again Somerset!! But...I am getting ahead of myself...let me tell you the full story. For months and months I agonized and procrastinated and then...agonised some more about submitting some of my artwork to Stampington. All my fears, insecurities and inadequacies came knocking loud and clear...do you know what I mean?? Who do you think you are, your work isn't good enough, bold enough, different enough, too different on and on. Uh...it wasn't pretty!! But one day...earlier on this year...I sat down, took a deep breath, gathered up every ounce of courage I had and sent off a box. Then I agonised some more!! But as the weeks wore on I decided to surrender...and hope.

(yesterday afternoon- reading my article)

But...let me go back in time even more. When I was a very young teen (about 13 or 14 years old) I had so many many dreams. Writing, painting, photography, drawing, sewing...on and on. But my dreams had no air to breathe or wings to fly. I couldn't lay down any foundation beneath them because I was too busy putting one foot in front of another....just trying to survive. My life at home was violent; full of pain and abuse. My life at school was marred by racism and trying to adjust to a very foreign way of life in Canada. I was forced to live in two very different worlds; and here I stood, always at the edge of both. A stranger to mySELF. All of this was a heavy burden for such a young heart to carry.

So...yesterday afternoon as I sat there on my couch, reading my article in Somerset...I was in awe and gratitude at the depth and breadth of my journey. I take none of this for granted...here is my soul spilled out onto these canvases and pages... but it all started a very long time ago when I decided to trust mySELF and stand in my truth. None of it has been easy, mind you, but it has been necessary. The tears and heartache, the surrendering to my fears...the shame and truthtelling....have all made way for this space right here;  where I can simply be who I am.

                                                           (sooooooo excited!!)
And my sweet baby girl Tara was soooo excited to see mommy's art in a magazine. She said to me "you did such a good job Mommy. I'm going to give you a Dora sticker." :) My heart just melted all over the place. It all feels a bit surreal to see my art in one of my favorite magazines...but I am just soaking it all in. Thank to each and every one of you for your kindness and support. It means more to me than you will ever know. xxx

P.S. And a big huge thanks to Kelly Rae Roberts' Flying Lessons. I took her e-course last year and it totally rocked!! It was just the right amount of sass, kick in the pants and practical knowledge that I needed to get me going. I totally recommend this class...thank you Kelly Rae!!

journey

(journey, mixed media, archival prints available here!)

she went to a place

deep deep inside of herSELF

where  her soul could bloom

and her spirit ...soar

long forgotten...no more

remembering...

"I am enough"

this is the journey

this is the journey

showing up

                                           (She trusted the journey, she trusted herSELF 
                                                             archival prints available here!)
One of the really difficult lessons I have learned along the way-that I am still learning -is this. Sometimes I just have to show up and do my best. After a looooong day with Tara (we get up at about 6 a.m), the last thing I want to do when I get her off to sleep at night (8-8:30 p.m.) is go into my studio. But I show up. Sometimes I do backgrounds or work on paintings in various stages. Sometimes I read, write or just piddle around. Whether it's for a half hour or 4 hours.It's the same here on my blog. I don't always know what I am going to write about. Sometimes I feel that I have nothing important to say or share. Sometimes I wonder why I blog at all.  If anyone is reading this or whether my words make any sense. But still...I show up. 

                                                    (my studio table...a few minutes ago)
 I think it's the same with life...every single aspect of it.  When I question my abilities as a mother/artist//wife....I just show up...with all of my insecurities and baggage and pain and vulnerabilities. With all of my joy and questions and sass and humor. With all of my anger and creativity and heart and spirit. Mistakes and mayhem... I just show up and do my best.

                                                               (Tara girl painting) 
 I really hope I can instill that in Tara. that winning is not as important as trying. That doing your best and giving your all is...winning. That the journey -while it may not take us where we want to go-takes us exactly where we need to go. That if we trust in ourSELVES, and trust in our journey...life carries us to places we can't even imagine. Places within ourSELVES that are... real.  That's where life lies...this is where our journey takes us. 

confessions...

"Every day is a journey and the journey itself is home." -Matsuo Basho

I would say that most of the time, I am a pretty optimistic person. I mean...I always try to look at the bright side of things and trust that there is a reason that things happen as they do...even if I have no idea why!! But I must confess that sometimes...it all gets very exhausting and...tiresome. Sometimes it's so much easier to indulge in a good dose of self-pity, "what was I thinking???" and a good old freaking out. There!!! I spilled the beans!! Sometimes I can be a total complainer!! This weekend was such blur of activity (again!!). Mundane things like standing in line at Walmart to return a few things (a nightmare on a Saturday!), finally getting a haircut that I am not completely happy with but am too exhausted to pay much attention to, a routine medical appointment. And planning Tara's birthday -which I would normally be over the moon about every little detail but -right now seems overwhelming...on and on. And I really started to feel like "what on earth was I thinking when I agreed to move out here from Va? " I mean...I did agree to move out here!!! So after indulging myself with tears, blame and lemon cake...I sat down with my journal, lit a candle and took a deep breath. There is some lesson to be learned here, some kernel of truth that I have missed...something!!

This is what I realised ...Sometimes.... things just are as they are!!

Okay...no brilliant epiphany...but true nonetheless! All steps on the journey...all...

on turning 42, intentions + journey-ing

(trying to get ready this morning before Tara stole

my toothbrush and got toothpaste all over the place!!)

I just turned 42  and as I head into the second half of life, here are some of my thoughts on ageing:

* There is nothing quite like having a toddler entering the terrible (uh...I mean...terrific!!) two's to make me feel physically old while simultaneously feeling  young in spirit! It's kind of strange living in this dichotomous world...I feel like a kid again when we sing and dance and play but...my body doesn't!!

* I know of people who lie about their age but that has never really made much sense to me. I mean...it doesn't change your actual age and it's denying a basic part of who we are. A negation of our very lives.
* I am very proud to say I am 42! I have earned every single year; there were so so many times when I just didn't think I would get here (especially in my teens).
* I find that as soon as I entered my 40's I changed; I gave birth and turned 40 in the same month so the effect was magnified. I became more comfortable in my skin, my priorities changed, I became bold. I no longer cared so much what others though of me and I started following my heart, my gut. I started navigating my life and choices by my inner compass-feels so good!!
* I don't feel any older than I did a year ago. Yeah-there are physical changes (so much gray hair, aches and pains, slowing metabolism to name  a few!)...but I don't feel any older!
* As I get older, it's not so much about what I look like...it's about my health...it's about my spirit and heart and creative work. It's about focusing on people I love, building relationships, stitching together a life, connecting. It's about expanding my capacity for...heart. It's not about looking younger either; it's about becoming more of who I am.
P.S. Thank you to so so many of you who sent me such wonder-FULL, heartwarming birthday wishes...my inbox was full of birthday love this morning!! Oh!! BTW...I had an amazing dinner tonight...ravioli stuffed with portabello mushroom and meat in a creamy, smoky, sun dried tomato sauce...bread dipped in olive oil and vinegar and...chocolate cheesecake!!!

                          (journey-ing requires heart...and cute shoes don't hurt either!!!)
I don't make New Years resolutions anymore; they just didn't work for me. Now I hold deep intentions...I hold them in my  heart and then allow the Universe to give them shape and breath and wings. Here are a few very important ones for 2011:
* At the very top of my list...continued health for my loved ones, mySELF
* We find a home that is just right for my family. A place where we can raise Tara...where I can cook, create, plant, love, live in ease and beauty.
* That we expand our family...I know, I know...I'm 42!! If I were younger, I would want to have maybe 3 or 4 children (ssssh...Don't tell Tim!!!!)...but at my age...It is my heart's deepest intention to have another baby.
* That my creative fires burn with truth and courage, love and grace. That I bring forward into this world, what only I can bring.
* I continue to challenge mySELF in every possible way; that I continue to grow and step beyond mySELF.
* I build community...friendships...
* That I continue to open my heart up...to love...to life. To...journey...
Do you have any intentions for this year? Would you like to share them here, on your blog...or in your heart?

(Trusting the Journey, Mixed media on canvas, archival prints available soon)

The  process of journey-ing is a transformative one. It's not so much the actual physical changes it brings; ...but it's the changing of our inner landscape. When I look back on life's journey...I see how some experiences break us down...burn us to ash and then build us back up again ...mold us, carry us to different (higher) parts of ourSELVES...changing our very person. They expand who we are, who we can become. I have trust in this journey...I have trust in mySELF.

steps...

As we take these steps toward our new life...I find mySELF feeling so exhilarated, hopeful, exhausted, overwhelmed and amazed...all at once!! All of last week was spent looking at homes online, trying to learn my way around Miramar, driving on the Ca interstate a few times (!!!), trying to keep Tara on her routine as much as possible...mostly being on autopilot. All of this weekend was spent on looking at so many homes...it's all kind of a blur now. The super great news is that we found a few definite possibilities that will absolutely work for us in most ways (homey feel, super child friendly, open floor plan, great outdoor space, my studio (!!!), good energy...). Unfortunately, there will be a 50 minute commute to San Diego proper but all things considered...we are super excited at the prospect of being settled at some point. And the weather here is so warm...it feels like summer to me. Usually, I love seasons and cold, snowy Xmas days, hot chocolate, snuggling and bundling up. But this morning, as Tara and I sat outside surrounded by banana trees and birds flitting a foot away from us...the golden sunshine pouring down...I think I can adjust:)

Our Path...

"If you can see your path laid out in front of you step by step, you know it's not your path. Your own path you make with every step you take. That's why it's your path" — Joseph Campbell

In the midst of setting up my website, trying to figure out domain names, banners, Etsy, business license and zoning requirements...I have become overwhelmed. All this while taking care of Tara and showing our home for sale!! But I am realising that the key to me accomplishing all of this is to take one step at a time. There is no path laid out for me to follow-I am making my own path. This is, paradoxically, much easier and much more difficult than it seems!  Today I urge you to take a look inside your heart and then...listen to all the yearnings and hopes and longings that you have (whatever they may be) and then...take one small step toward it. It may be writing down some thoughts in a journal or...looking up info. on how to start a website...or making a To Do list ...however small the act is, it is a huge step on your individual path. A leap of faith...that leads to our path...

Some things I am learning...

These past few weeks have brought so many changes (both internal and external) and I am learning so much! Flying Lessons has really propelled me closer to my vision plus I am doing so many things I have had in my heart for so long...Setting up my website (myself!!!)...something I never would of imagined a few months ago!...So here are a few things I am learning along the creative path...along life's journey, really.
1. Honor my challenges. As I am learning to honor all parts of my journey, this one has been the most ...well, challenging! But what I am discovering is that it is the toughest parts of our journey that bring the most growth, that contain magical gifts of inner strength, fortitude, clarity. It is the most difficult times that forge soul strength.
2. Express my gratitude. Feel it in my heart, write it out, shout it out! I have so much to be grateful for...Every day that I can hug my Tara, love Tim, paint, feel the wind against my face is...a blessing.
3. Believe in mySELF. This has always been so difficult for me. It is only now that I am fully starting to appreciate and really believe in my abilities, vision, strengths. I have always been such  a perfectionist (fear in disguise!) but now I am realising that I don't have to know everything or do everything perfectly. I just have to do my best.
4. Have a vision and do something small each day toward it.
5. Be mySELF-there is only one me. Be authentic.
6. Time management-so important! Enough said.
7. Take time to replenish mySELF. Read, hot baths, a cup of tea...all do wonders!
8. Pay attention to the longings of my heart.
9. Surround myself with community and kindred souls. Blogging has really been  a joy and  a blessing. Yes, sometimes I get "bloggers block" but...it has opened me up to a whole new world of creative souls.
10. Joy, love, grace...try to inject them into every moment.

                                                         

Honor the Journey

                                    

I don't feel particularly intelligent this morning, or creative or funny or...I actually feel sick and plagued by "mommy guilt" and a little unsettled. But here is what I am learning-more and more each day. I am learning to honor the journey-my journey. I am learning that there is grace and wisdom is allowing myself to feel all of my fragments- no matter what they are; guilt, shame, resilience, blues, joy, success. It is this very acceptance I have of all parts of mySELF that I will pass down to my daughter. I can't be anywhere else on my path other than where I am .There is wisdom in the knowing and accepting of that. And even in those moments when I feel so fragile(especially in those moments) ...I really need to accept the journey I am on that is my very own path. It may not look like anyone else's because it's not meant to.

Today, please join me in celebrating your very own special journey that is... your life.