intention: day #26

" I don't know exactly what a prayer is.
I do know how to pay attention, how to fall down
into the grass, how to kneel down in the grass,
how to be idle and blessed, how to stroll through the fields,
which is what I have been doing all day.
Tell me, what else should I have done?
Doesn't everything die at last, and too soon?
Tell me, what is it you plan to do
with your one wild and precious life?" - Mary Oliver

heroes of our own lives

For most of my life I have lived in the past and the future...rarely in the present. Heartbroken about my childhood and worried and fearful of my future. Slipping through the cracks and waiting for someone else...something else...to save me. Never once thinking that I could be my own hero! Are you like that? So many of us are. Living anywhere but the now and putting our hopes on someone else. 
  These days...I really try to be mindful of each step...this is life right here! Believing in ourSELVES, trusting in our possibility and potential takes work. I set an intention...at the start of each day, before I paint or write. I don't always succeed...but I try. It's a practice. I am here. now.

Poetry

By

Mary Oliver

"The Journey

One day you finally knew

what you had to do, and began,

though the voices around you

kept shouting

their bad advice--

though the whole house

began to tremble

and you felt the old tug

at your ankles.

"Mend my life!"

each voice cried.

But you didn't stop.

You knew what you had to do,

though the wind pried

with its stiff fingers

at the very foundations,

though their melancholy

was terrible.

It was already late

enough, and a wild night,

and the road full of fallen

branches and stones.

But little by little,

as you left their voices behind,

the stars began to burn

through the sheets of clouds,

and there was a new voice

which you slowly

recognized as your own,

that kept you company

as you strode deeper and deeper

into the world,

determined to do

the only thing you could do--

determined to save 

the only life you could save."

                                     -Mary Oliver 

 Tara's 4th birthday is coming up in a few days and it has made me very emotional and nostalgic. Full of the smells and memories of pregnancy, birth and a love so wide it swallowed me up whole. My sweet girl...she conquered me.

 

"There's courage involved if you want

to become truth. 

There is a broken- open place in a lover. 

Where are those qualities of bravery and
sharp compassion in this group? What's the
use of old and frozen thought? 

I want a howling hurt. This is not a treasury
where gold is stored; this is for copper.

We alchemists look for talent that
can heat up and change. 

Lukewarm won't do. Halfhearted holding back,
well-enough getting by? Not here."

                                                     - Rumi

 

And so it is that we all are the heroes of our own lives. We have to be. And every step leads us to here...this place of NOW.

reviewing my word for 2012

                                         (what if she allowed herSELF to shine?, mixed media)
I have been reviewing my word for this past year which was...OPEN. At first, I really didn't want to pick a word! Why just one word, I thought. I went back and forth, back and forth...you can read the full post here until finally... I decided on my word. Now...looking back on the year and already thinking about what my word for 2013 will be ( pssst! I'm pretty sure I know what it is!!)...I am positively amazed at how this word has guided me in...well...everything!! Even now...I don't know if I picked the word or if that word picked me!!! It started showing up everywhere from my journal pages to books/magazines etc. And there was a deep longing in me to open up my heart + life. To reclaim mySELF, give mySELF permission to change and simply...share more. It was allowing myself to shine! Of course, I didn't know all this when I picked my word!!

I  did a very revealing interview with Rita Banerji that evolved over several months. Some of my answers were initially part of our private e-mails that went back and forth...that I eventually decided to make public. I am so proud of this interview!! It was a healing, brave and very candid interview. It was laying claim to my stories; a journey to SELF. It was my deepest hope that by speaking truthfully about so many deeply painful, shameful and sensitive issues...I would inspire others to do the same. We just never know who is reading and listening to our words, do we?? BTW...it wasn't easy being this open...but whenever I faltered...I revisited my word for the year and allowed that to be my guide. I also realised that healing is not a linear process (at least, not for me!!) but one that is more ...one step forward, 2 steps back!! However...if we take enough of these steps-we can look back and see the length + breadth + depth of our journey.

This past year...I also became more comfortable with mySELF. As a mom, wife, artist, blogger...I became more open to all my parts + pieces...even the ones buried and long forgotten. I read Gary Zuvac's Seat of the Soul  and he devotes 2 entire chapters to intention. I started to understand how important it is!!! The seeds that birth our entire life...it all starts with an intention!!!! powerful stuff!! Looking back over the year...I see how my intention of being open...shaped my thoughts/actions. Now I am all about intention!! Before I start painting...I light candles and hold an intention in my heart and mind. When I wake up in the morning...I focus on my intention. It's become an intrinsic part of my life...and always leads me back to center. A big huge surprise..was how much more I opened up in my marriage and mothering...in all of my relationships, really! Layers and layers of self doubt, insecurity and "not enoughs" just peeled away to reveal the heart of who I am; passionate, very opinionated (!!!), sensitive and ...uh...quirky!!!

And my art and writing became much much more open as well!!! I started sharing pieces of my work that I would normally keep (very) private. And all my broken/hopeful/magical/painful pieces started seeping into my art/writing/photos. I started opening up! In tiny steps...I became brave. And each small step led to larger + larger steps. I wrote an article where I really dug deep and unearthed some of my stories. I submitted a (very) private journal that altered the course of my art. I started opening up to possibilities.

I wrote a lot on my blog about being broken, re-writing our stories and how our pain can fuel our creativity. I wrote about politics, issues that were dear to my heart and surrendering to the moment... to what is. I truly believe that none of these posts would have been written if I hadn't set the intention at the start of the year!!! Our intention is  kind of like a magical key that unlocks our stories, our potential...our magic!!!

Dear OPEN:

Thank you for allowing me the opportunity to see all parts of mySELF with clear eyes and  a loving heart. Thank you for coming into my life just exactly when I needed you!! When my family/art/writing/friendships and life so desperately needed you! You have brought with you vulnerability and strength...hope and pain. You have taught me to accept what is...without judgement and bitterness (still working on this one!!!). You have been a compassionate yet willing teacher and i am so very grateful for your gifts. Even though the new year is just around the corner and I am going to pick a new word...I am not done with you yet!!!! Oh No!!! I will carry you forward in the deepest recesses of my heart and you will be the framework for all of my intentions going forward. xxx

 *I'm deciding on my word for 2013...are you???

my word for 2012

(my journal entry from yesterday)

I wasn't going to pick any specific word for this year but then I started reading a few of my fave blogs and I felt deeply moved to choose a word of my own. I was especially inspired by Patty's post right here where she  talked about the intention behind choosing a word and how it becomes a deeply ingrained part of our lives. So...looking through all of my most recent journal pages I keep on coming to this word right here...OPEN. It's a humble word and...maybe it doesn't have a lot of flash and pizazz but...it deeply deeply speaks to me right now. And I am listening. I wholehearted claim this word for 2012!!

For far too many years (okay...most of my life!!)...I was closed to life and to mySELF. Why?? So many reasons...thick and heavy; fears, insecurities, shame, blame. The deep feeling that I had nothing important to say or share. The fear of failure and humiliation + of not living up to my unrealistic expectations. That no-one would want to listen. That I was not enough. So there I was, sitting at the edge of my life, a spectator rather than an active participant or creator. I was simply letting life happen to me. All of that radically changed when I gave birth!!! Here was life full blown and in my face. No more shrinking away from any of it. I intuitively knew that my life would never be the same. I was deconstructed in a moment and the reconstruction has been going on ever since!

(too short bangs that need to grow out-I cut them myself!!)

But now I want to be open, open, open!!! To all of life's experiences...the whole shebang!!' To opportunity, risk + possibility. I want to open my heart even more than I ever thought possible. All of my old + locked away stories need to be set free; in my art + in my writing...in my life. I want to break wide open-wider than I ever thought possible so that I can hold more deeply this life of mine. So I can touch the possibility + grace that lies within me...that is there waiting for us in every sacred moment.

I want to open up my wings and...fly. So there you have it, dear friends, that's my word for 2012. Do you have one?