on how our broken-ness births our magic

(She decided to believe in her Magic-Archival print. available in my shop)

"To realise the injury, and yet memorialize it, allows thriving to come forth. Thriving is what was meant for us on this earth. Thriving, not just surviving, is our birthright as women...But thriving means, now that the bad times are behind, to put ourselves into occasions of the lush, the nutritive, the light and there to flourish, to thrive with bushy, shaggy heavy blossoms and leaves. It is better to name ourselves names that challenge us to grow as free creatures. That is thriving. That is what was meant for us."- Dr. Estes Women Who Run with the Wolves

For so many many years...I simply survived. My entire childhood was about surviving from moment to moment, year to year. All kinds of things (pain, deceit, heartache, abuse, neglect, humiliation, betrayal) that left me broken and crippled. And then, once I entered my twenties, I covered up my broken pieces with lies and pretense. Chasing after "perfect" to cover up all my shattered parts and pieces. Now...I can look at the entirety of my journey and see that my very brokenness has birthed my magic. I think it does that for us all...if we allow it. Our broken-ness doesn't need to be healed and fixed and changed...it needs to be valued. It needs to be given  a space within our lives and psyches to live and do what it does; birth all that is tender, vulnerable and compassionate within us. It's disassociation from our true selves (our pains + insecurities and human-ness) that is the real problem. When we lie and pretend and deny our very SELVES. For me...there were so many people in my life that were embarrassed by my pain...who would deny, negate, gloss over my broken pieces. Now I understand it's because they were disassociated from their true selves...their broken pieces.

(Interactive journal by Ledisi-love!!)

   "Today, like every other day, we wake up empty and frightened. Don't open the door to the study and begin reading. Take down the dulcimer. Let the beauty we love be what we do. There are hundreds of ways to kiss the ground."- Rumi

And so I am learning...every day, every day...to bring all of me into my life. Into my marriage, my mothering, my writing + painting. my photography. my friendships.  my eating and sleeping and dreaming and talking. I am learning to gather all of my pieces. honor them. love them. give them voice + heart. It is difficult. It's a practice. It's a process.  many doors have closed. and many more have opened.

"my beauty is that

i have lived through so much ugliness
and yet i make beauty!
i can make with the smallest things,
the feathers and leaves in the garden,
the rocks and the weeds.
i can make with string and beads and tickytacky,
i can make a painting the size of a door, and wish it were larger,
i can bedizen a hall and wish for the room next door too,
i can make a bead the size of a ring from a hundred elements
and an hour of cussing and daydreaming and pricked fingers.
i can pile high the paints and fabrics and sequins,
i can work all morning,
beachcomb all afternoon
and go home and draw in the snow with ash and a stick
there is enough beauty trying to get out of me
to fill a lot of walls
do the mirrors matter?

i want to say proudly, here i am
and so
i stand as tall as i can and
i reach to the highest shelf,
holding my collarbone in,
i reach and i take down the paints,
the brushes and the scrapers,
i kneel on the knee with less bruises
and i bring out the rollers and inks
and, this is the most pain, i reach inside
and i let brokenness out
and i let it be part of what i am making
and i stand for never being perfect,
even before;
i live and i breathe and i make :
i make connections
i make windows and doors and lifelines
for myself to come back in by, to hold on to,
for us all to come back in by,
for us all to hold on to
to help me be strong, to help me be proud,
to help us all be strong, to help us all be proud
to be and do and make us all
beautiful
beautiful
beautiful
in my eyes,
in their eyes
in our eyes
beautiful"
* this beautiful poem was written by sweet lady Dee. You can visit her blog right here.

So...here's to our brokenness. our beauty. our magic.  It's real. It's possible. It's part of the journey, don't you know?