truthtelling: day #22

"...I have a duty to speak the truth as I see it and to share not just my triumphs, not just the things that felt good, but the pain, the intense, often unmitigating pain. It is important to share how I know survival is survival and not just a walk through the rain."- Audre Lorde

 I've been writing since I was in my very early teens. I had journals that morphed into sketchbooks; pages and pages of pains and hurts, dreams and hopes,  letters  I never sent and corny teenage diary stuff. Later on...I started combining drawings with my writing; everything went into my books! Writing was my lifeline through a very turbulent and painful childhood (no exaggeration!). Even before I knew about the therapeutic benefits of writing...my instinct was to go to my secret books and pour out my heart and soul. Quite simply...writing saved me!! It taught me that there is no shame in claiming all of mySELF. Writing showed me a way through my suffering, a path through my silence...step by step, page by page, word by word. Writing empowered me!

Some experiences leave us broken and shattered, our selves completely rearranged,  and it's very obvious that we need to heal the pain and suffering . But...sometimes (often?) ...there are minor assaults on our spirit that occur day after day, week after week that are not so easy to identify...but that build up over time. Often...life doesn't turn out quite the way we expect or want. Sometimes...life brings major challenges (understatement) and we are forced to accept that life isn't "fair" or just or.... When I was much much younger, I used to fantasize about a time in my life where I would  be prancing around, completely healed...utopia!! But ...now I understand that healing is a multi layered process...there are stories within stories, hurts within hurts, betrayals upon betrayals. There are pieces of ourSELVES that will never heal completely; that will always be broken + crippled and gasping for air. But maybe, just maybe...those shattered pieces can be transformed and used as fuel for other parts of ourSELVES and our lives.They will still be there...ugly and desperate...but bringing them to light may transform us. Writing does that for me! It gathers up all of the ugly parts of mySELF and gives them voice and shape + form.

And I find...that by laying claim to all of who I am...I can still be open to the beauty and joys of life. xxx

living whole(hearted)ly

I started reading this book over a week ago and just couldn't put it down!!! It went with me to Canada and I read it on the plane/airport/car. I pasted stick-it notes all over the place, wrote in my journal every few pages and then...re-read through parts of it. It's that good, it's that true, it's that needed. Daring greatly (in a nutshell) is all about living wholeheartedly. Something i have not done for so much (okay...most) of my life. As a child, I was put in a box and every time I tried to venture out, I was stuck back in or worst. So...pretty soon i learned not to try, not to venture out and not to dream or dare or hope. Then I hit my teens and my real self went further into hiding and my false selves (there were many) became stronger and stronger. You know...this self with my boyfriend, this self with my teachers, this self with my friends  etc. I hated and feared being vulnerable; it took me back to a place where I was abused because of my very vulnerability.

Then, when I turned 30, I went to India for 4 months. Something happened there...that led me to my art, that led me to mySELF. But it wasn't this big huge change all at once...there were tiny step. Going to the art store and buying canvases and paints, learning about different materials and what they could do, signing up for classes and following through. Listening to my heart and not my head (you're going to do what??? You aren't an artist! who do you think you're fooling??) etc etc. Then when I became a mom...living wholeheartedly wasn't an option anymore...it was a necessity. Deep down...I knew this!!! I listened. i followed through. I cried. I shed the false layers...there was no room for that in my marriage and mothering and art and life and heart and soul. So...to read through this book was an affirmation that i am on the right path (for me).

Reading through the book...I realised that all the people I deeply deeply admire ...live wholeheartedly. No matter how different they are...they have that in common. Daring greatly is not about being perfect or spilling every private thought and action and dysfunction. It's not about winning or losing or getting everything we want. It's about showing up, being truly seen for who we are (warts and all). It's not paying attention to the critics and naysayers but using this one precious life that we have to be the full manifestation of who we are. It's about being scared and saying "I'm still going to try. my very best.".

It's about being vulnerable. Being true. Being real. It's about accepting and talking about our shame(s) and moving through it. It's about sharing all of our parts and pieces with trusted others. There are people in our lives who will hold our pain with us and not deny or negate it or use it against us. It's about being the adults we want our children to become. It's about living congruently. This book has inspired me to ...dare greatly. thank you Brene!!!!

3 years into motherhood

Tara turns 3 in a few days and besides feeling happy + proud + sad (all at once) that she is growing up so fast...I am also reflecting on how motherhood has been the journey of my life!! Maybe it's because I turned 40 and gave birth all in the same month (!!) but...giving birth was actually the process of me birthing mySELF. It has been a transformative, soul shattering, heart opening journey; a crash course in vulnerability. It changed everything. Period. Is it always bliss? Heck no!!! Being a good parent is the most difficult thing in the world...kind of like trying to run a marathon... in the dark!!! There are no manuals and it all happens largely in isolation. But...it is the most important aspect of my life...to raise my daughter as best I can. And here she is...very sassy + self assured, smart and silly all at once, part princess + part tomgirl. Every day is an adventure and she inspires me  to be kinder, tougher,  more resilient + more vulnerable while also reminding me that I am loved exactly as I am. She is a gift...unequaled.

The Beauty of a "Negative"...

So many times, what appears to be a "negative" is really a messenger bearing the most wonderful gifts! A "negative" forces us to see things from a completely different perspective (of course, the choice is always ours). But once we do...we see the most startling beauty. Strengths we never knew we had...inner fortitude, grace and...such deep reserves of love, kindness and tenderness. This is where the colors of our soul can really..shine.... in all their magnificence, These are opportunities to carry us to places within ourselves we never knew we had. Or to create those places from the raw materials of pain, heartache, disappointment, frustration, rejection...So many times, if we allow a "negative" to show us HER beauty, we will be amazed..and transformed.