around here lately: unintended journeys + opening pathways

The thing I love most about unintended journeys is that they are exactly what we need ...when we need it!! The journey I'm talking about is the inner one...the one that is sometimes (but not always) facilitated by outer ones. I think when we travel in the physical world...we get out of our routines, regular lives, the hum drum of it all and see things with new eyes + ideas. I feel so much freer to deconstruct and reconstruct mySELF...every day or every moment. Trying on different things as they suit me. The thing is...for the past couple of months or so...I've been feeling extremely lost, anxious, insecure, untethered in so many ways and ...in large part because Tara starts full time Kinder. There is a huge sense of loss with my baby going out into the world. There is a huge sense of "what am I going to do with my days" because the last 5+ years have been entirely taken up with being a full time mommy. And while I know that her going off into the world is exactly the way it should be...exactly what she needs ...it had left me very much unbalanced. But strangely enough...on our recent trip to the East Coast...I saw the faint lights of  opening pathways. There are going to be some big changes around here...I can feel it!

The first part of our trip was all about the beach...waking up with the sun and walking down to the ocean outside our doorstep. Oh!!! Bliss. There was a whole lot of watching the waves, squealing and walks and building sand castles. Tara is a complete ocean girl BTW...just like her daddy. Tim is a military trained deep sea diver (fearless) and I, on the other hand, having grown up in S. Africa (home of great whites that you can see from the shore!!) am petrified of deep ocean water. Tara is an absolute water baby, though, and I love seeing her adventurous spirit.

 

I've been re-reading Dr. Angelou's classic I Know Why the Caged Bird Sings. I read it so many years ago in my first years of college and (with her recent passing) felt called to read it again with my 45 year old self rather than my 18 year old perspective. I felt deeply honored and in awe of her truthtelling. Of the way she pulled me into her world with such ease and grace. Another funny thing that happened is that on my trip...I must have seen about 10 other people randomly reading the very same book...a person at the airport, another while we were eating lunch etc. It was a bit startling but synchronicity at work...a note from the Universe (I deeply believe) telling me I'm on the right path.

*P.S. I made this collage inspired by Susannah Conway's recent collage making goodness. I got out all of these old mags, a pair of scissors and glue and Tara and I had so much fun doing our own thing while chatting and laughing. Fun, fun + fun!!  Totally going to do more of this!

 

The second part of our journey was much more fast paced...a few heavily touristed sites, up to Baltimore (one of my very fave places!!) and we spent 2 full days at the Smithsonian. We had only planned for one day there but Tara was so enamored at the Museum of Natural History that she insisted we go back there a second time!!!She loved all the larger than life animal exhibitions, the dinosaurs were a fabulous hit and of course...she loved leading and teaching us all about...well, everything. I adore that Tara is so brilliantly curious and excited about learning. It  makes me happy. One of the most important takeaways from being in D.C. though is that while we thought we may want to move back there...we decided that the traffic was unbearable!!! I guess if you live there you simply grow accustomed to it?? Also the cost of living is through the roof crazy. We lived in that area over 6 years ago (before Tara was born) and either we have become used to the minimal traffic in Colorado or...it has become that much worst over the past few years. While I would love to live in that part of the country with all of the opportunities it presents for my family...sigh...back to the drawing board.  

And I must say that even though I absolutely love travel...it makes me so happy to be back home. I love waking up in the quiet of the morning with the sunshine streaming through the windows...my morning coffee and journaling. And what I am realizing is that, as I get older...I love and need my routines as much as I do stepping out of them!!! Ying and yang...both are equally important, don't you think??

And I serendipitously came across this quote flipping through old mags during my collage making. It totally resonates with me at this time in my life. I have been doing a lot of healing, journaling, soul-mending work and while it is entirely necessary...it has also been extremely difficult.I have had to make an extra effort to be kind and nurturing to mySELF . To make a safe place where I can witness and experience the many emotions this work is bringing to the surface. Emotions and memories I have shut away and not allowed mySELF to feel since ...forever. And truthfully...it's been ...pretty messy and muddled and painful and exhausting . It's brought up so many feelings of deep rage + shame + fears + deep sadness...all of those very messy feelings I would so much rather not deal with. But now is the time. And I have to continually remind myself that ...it's not meant to be easy. Deep breath. So to find this quote was nothing short of a tiny miracle. Now I can turn my heart toward hope...and even though I am far from where I would like to be...I am heading that way...one tiny breath at a time. With each tiny intention and choice...I am marching toward hope. With faith and surrender...I am heading that way. 

With this opening path...I feel so many many changes coming along. I am thinking about transitioning to a vegan diet. Not sure if this is practical for me but...toying with the idea. In my early twenties (ahem...while dating a beautifully spirited Rastaman) I was vegan for a year but it became a bit tedious and impractical for me after a while. I was also a vegetarian for some years but that didn't work for me either...too heavy on the carbs with my tastes for all things pasta. Stepping out of my comfort zone ...I am changing and growing and becoming. Maybe it's a midlife awakening. More than ever ...I am truly grateful for the journey.  And this pic from yesterday...can you tell...we are glad to be back home. xxx

truthtelling: day #22

"...I have a duty to speak the truth as I see it and to share not just my triumphs, not just the things that felt good, but the pain, the intense, often unmitigating pain. It is important to share how I know survival is survival and not just a walk through the rain."- Audre Lorde

 I've been writing since I was in my very early teens. I had journals that morphed into sketchbooks; pages and pages of pains and hurts, dreams and hopes,  letters  I never sent and corny teenage diary stuff. Later on...I started combining drawings with my writing; everything went into my books! Writing was my lifeline through a very turbulent and painful childhood (no exaggeration!). Even before I knew about the therapeutic benefits of writing...my instinct was to go to my secret books and pour out my heart and soul. Quite simply...writing saved me!! It taught me that there is no shame in claiming all of mySELF. Writing showed me a way through my suffering, a path through my silence...step by step, page by page, word by word. Writing empowered me!

Some experiences leave us broken and shattered, our selves completely rearranged,  and it's very obvious that we need to heal the pain and suffering . But...sometimes (often?) ...there are minor assaults on our spirit that occur day after day, week after week that are not so easy to identify...but that build up over time. Often...life doesn't turn out quite the way we expect or want. Sometimes...life brings major challenges (understatement) and we are forced to accept that life isn't "fair" or just or.... When I was much much younger, I used to fantasize about a time in my life where I would  be prancing around, completely healed...utopia!! But ...now I understand that healing is a multi layered process...there are stories within stories, hurts within hurts, betrayals upon betrayals. There are pieces of ourSELVES that will never heal completely; that will always be broken + crippled and gasping for air. But maybe, just maybe...those shattered pieces can be transformed and used as fuel for other parts of ourSELVES and our lives.They will still be there...ugly and desperate...but bringing them to light may transform us. Writing does that for me! It gathers up all of the ugly parts of mySELF and gives them voice and shape + form.

And I find...that by laying claim to all of who I am...I can still be open to the beauty and joys of life. xxx

a message to the Universe

(this morning)

 Lately I've been feeling out of sorts and...full of regrets and jealousies. reading other blogs and magazines and...I have been wishing that I am other than where I am. Why do we do that to ourselves?? The truth is...I had been wishing that I had perfect little vignettes in my home that I see on other blogs (I don't!!). I wish that my art was on the cover of a magazine (it isn't!). I wish I had an exhibition right now ...solo or group:). I wish I could sew all these fab Amy Butler patterns. On and on. And then...because I'm kinda' kooky this way...I start to go all the way back to...I wish I had taken some art classes in University, a photography class...something!! Even though my higher self + deeper wisdom knows better. So...dear Universe:

(a message this morning from Re-Connect with Wilo + Mati Rose)

I am going to meet mySELF where I am. I am going to honor every single step and piece of my journey without judgement. I am going to throw away my ungratefulness. have equanimity. know deep in my heart + soul that everything has value. continue to show up through the difficult. through the painful. through the inadequacies. practice kindness. especially on myself. and my loved ones. and perfect strangers. realise that there is no wrong turn. there is no winning + losing. there is only the journey. my journey.

Dear Universe: I surrender to the moment. I accept what is. I am opening to grace.

fierce ...with heart (my interview with Rita Banerji)

When Rita Banerji asked to interview me many months ago I was surprised, overwhelmed and just a little bit intimidated. I "met" Rita last year when I interviewed her for my blog (which you can read in two parts...here and here). Ever since, we have been corresponding and have become firm friends, supporters of each other and soul sisters. I am such an admirer of this sister soldier who draws light on the subject of the genocide against India's girls. She is brave, brilliant and full of heart.

We have been working on this interview for months; she asked me these questions as part of a conversation that went back and forth. Some of my answers were initially part of private e-mails to her that I later decided to include in the interview. She asked me all sorts of candid, thoughtful and out of the box questions (art, apartheid, violence, motherhood) and I reached deep down inside of mySELF to give her my responses.  I went through a minor evolution as I did this interview and am very proud of the way it turned out...it's fierce with heart. It was quite painful to relive parts of my past but also cathartic. I  hope you will read it (right here...scroll down to July 2 2012) and tell me what you think.