My He(ART)-Full Life

Thursday, June 26, 2014

around here lately: unintended journeys + opening pathways

The thing I love most about unintended journeys is that they are exactly what we need ...when we need it!! The journey I'm talking about is the inner one...the one that is sometimes (but not always) facilitated by outer ones. I think when we travel in the physical world...we get out of our routines, regular lives, the hum drum of it all and see things with new eyes + ideas. I feel so much freer to deconstruct and reconstruct mySELF...every day or every moment. Trying on different things as they suit me. The thing is...for the past couple of months or so...I've been feeling extremely lost, anxious, insecure, untethered in so many ways and large part because Tara starts full time Kinder. There is a huge sense of loss with my baby going out into the world. There is a huge sense of "what am I going to do with my days" because the last 5+ years have been entirely taken up with being a full time mommy. And while I know that her going off into the world is exactly the way it should be...exactly what she needs had left me very much unbalanced. But strangely enough...on our recent trip to the East Coast...I saw the faint lights of  opening pathways. There are going to be some big changes around here...I can feel it!
The first part of our trip was all about the beach...waking up with the sun and walking down to the ocean outside our doorstep. Oh!!! Bliss. There was a whole lot of watching the waves, squealing and walks and building sand castles. Tara is a complete ocean girl BTW...just like her daddy. Tim is a military trained deep sea diver (fearless) and I, on the other hand, having grown up in S. Africa (home of great whites that you can see from the shore!!) am petrified of deep ocean water. Tara is an absolute water baby, though, and I love seeing her adventurous spirit.
I've been re-reading Dr. Angelou's classic I Know Why the Caged Bird Sings. I read it so many years ago in my first years of college and (with her recent passing) felt called to read it again with my 45 year old self rather than my 18 year old perspective. I felt deeply honored and in awe of her truthtelling. Of the way she pulled me into her world with such ease and grace. Another funny thing that happened is that on my trip...I must have seen about 10 other people randomly reading the very same book...a person at the airport, another while we were eating lunch etc. It was a bit startling but synchronicity at work...a note from the Universe (I deeply believe) telling me I'm on the right path.
*P.S. I made this collage inspired by Susannah Conway's recent collage making goodness. I got out all of these old mags, a pair of scissors and glue and Tara and I had so much fun doing our own thing while chatting and laughing. Fun, fun + fun!!  Totally going to do more of this!

The second part of our journey was much more fast paced...a few heavily touristed sites, up to Baltimore (one of my very fave places!!) and we spent 2 full days at the Smithsonian. We had only planned for one day there but Tara was so enamored at the Museum of Natural History that she insisted we go back there a second time!!!She loved all the larger than life animal exhibitions, the dinosaurs were a fabulous hit and of course...she loved leading and teaching us all about...well, everything. I adore that Tara is so brilliantly curious and excited about learning. It  makes me happy. One of the most important takeaways from being in D.C. though is that while we thought we may want to move back there...we decided that the traffic was unbearable!!! I guess if you live there you simply grow accustomed to it?? Also the cost of living is through the roof crazy. We lived in that area over 6 years ago (before Tara was born) and either we have become used to the minimal traffic in Colorado has become that much worst over the past few years. While I would love to live in that part of the country with all of the opportunities it presents for my family...sigh...back to the drawing board.  

And I must say that even though I absolutely love makes me so happy to be back home. I love waking up in the quiet of the morning with the sunshine streaming through the morning coffee and journaling. And what I am realizing is that, as I get older...I love and need my routines as much as I do stepping out of them!!! Ying and yang...both are equally important, don't you think??

And I serendipitously came across this quote flipping through old mags during my collage making. It totally resonates with me at this time in my life. I have been doing a lot of healing, journaling, soul-mending work and while it is entirely has also been extremely difficult.I have had to make an extra effort to be kind and nurturing to mySELF . To make a safe place where I can witness and experience the many emotions this work is bringing to the surface. Emotions and memories I have shut away and not allowed mySELF to feel since ...forever. And's been ...pretty messy and muddled and painful and exhausting . It's brought up so many feelings of deep rage + shame + fears + deep sadness...all of those very messy feelings I would so much rather not deal with. But now is the time. And I have to continually remind myself that's not meant to be easy. Deep breath. So to find this quote was nothing short of a tiny miracle. Now I can turn my heart toward hope...and even though I am far from where I would like to be...I am heading that tiny breath at a time. With each tiny intention and choice...I am marching toward hope. With faith and surrender...I am heading that way. 

With this opening path...I feel so many many changes coming along. I am thinking about transitioning to a vegan diet. Not sure if this is practical for me but...toying with the idea. In my early twenties (ahem...while dating a beautifully spirited Rastaman) I was vegan for a year but it became a bit tedious and impractical for me after a while. I was also a vegetarian for some years but that didn't work for me either...too heavy on the carbs with my tastes for all things pasta. Stepping out of my comfort zone ...I am changing and growing and becoming. Maybe it's a midlife awakening. More than ever ...I am truly grateful for the journey.  And this pic from yesterday...can you tell...we are glad to be back home. xxx

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