feeding my soul

 A few things that I am crushing out on lately...some things that have been feeding my soul as I am on this path of healing mySELF, deconstructing and reconstructing mySELF and realigning to the truest of trues. I have been leaning into faith + surrender in a huge way. Something that would have been completely impossible for me a few short years ago but now...I am becoming more comfortable with it  (most times!). There's simply so much in life that is beyond our control...so I am choosing to view these as life lessons and be very grateful for the ways in which I am transforming. For the ways in which I am expanding the possibilities of who I am...and of who I can be...of who I want to be. For the fears and insecurities  that come, ugly and uninvited, that have lessons to teach me also. For the joys and abundance I am receiving that are teaching me invaluable lessons also... I am worthy,  I am enough (as is, right now). I am grateful.

 *every single morning I am starting the day with kindness. And it all begins right here...with me. Looking at mySELF with infinite compassion, love and non-judgement. So easy to say...so difficult to do. But when I spend 5-10 mins practicing this simple act...it aligns me to all that is good inside of me and my day goes more smoothly. It reminds me to make higher choices (large + small) throughout the day to treat mySELF with love. And it all starts with me.

 

*Photowalks!! I took the Be Your Own Beloved class last year with Miss Vivienne and I have carried this practice with me since then. Whenever I'm stressed, out of sorts, caught in the depths of despair...I go for a quick photowalk and can I tell you how it soothes my soul? Sometimes I go alone...in the evenings or Tara and I go together. Whatever the magic of this act is...it binds me to all that is beautiful in the world. It takes me outside of myself and releases my negative self talk, my fears and gremlins into the air. And what takes it's place is a simple quiet...a peace...a sense of joy and well being that I am grateful for.

*I first came across Caroline Myss about 15 + years ago...and honestly...at that time I seriously had no idea what she was talking about!!! I listened to her many times but nothing made any sense to me at all and ...I thought she was a bit delusional. Fast forward to now and her work absolutely resonates with me on a deep and soulful level. Her work on archetypes has me clinging onto every bit of truth and wisdom...aha moments galore!! Okay...now it all makes sense!!! She talks about our Sacred Contracts, Energetic Anatomy and how we lose our power. At the heart of her teaching is this simple truth...be here now. In the present moment is where we can feel the most fully alive, authentic and powerful.

*loved reading this article on making time for creativity. It was chock full of truths and made me laugh out loud. Anne Lamott rocks...big time! And her Twitter and FB accounts are full of wisdom nuggets, humor and wit. Love this lady! 

* I started reading this book and I couldn't be more grateful. Dr.  Tsabari has written a (parenting) book that is truly revolutionary and it has entered my life at just the perfect time. Can you say grateful??

*picked up this book again... I had read it years ago but it's calling me now in an entirely different way. Love that!!

*journaling, morning pages, therapy...whatever you want to call it...I've been doing it every day and it has been cathartic, insightful and healing. There's something about the act of writing things down that accesses our deepest memories, emotions and thoughts and gives it voice + validation. So much is coming to light and with each sentence...with each page I feel myself getting stronger, more whole...more mySELF. It's a time I can carve out to sit and be present to all that emerges on the page. So very grateful for this practice.

And of course...when I fall and fail and become untethered...that is an opportunity as well. The path is not smooth or easy or straight and when I have "one of those days" (which I frequently do)...this quote reminds me that...I can get some rest and try again tomorrow.The reminder that courage isn't always some huge grand act but often...it's the quiet resolve of putting one foot in front of another.

around here lately: unintended journeys + opening pathways

The thing I love most about unintended journeys is that they are exactly what we need ...when we need it!! The journey I'm talking about is the inner one...the one that is sometimes (but not always) facilitated by outer ones. I think when we travel in the physical world...we get out of our routines, regular lives, the hum drum of it all and see things with new eyes + ideas. I feel so much freer to deconstruct and reconstruct mySELF...every day or every moment. Trying on different things as they suit me. The thing is...for the past couple of months or so...I've been feeling extremely lost, anxious, insecure, untethered in so many ways and ...in large part because Tara starts full time Kinder. There is a huge sense of loss with my baby going out into the world. There is a huge sense of "what am I going to do with my days" because the last 5+ years have been entirely taken up with being a full time mommy. And while I know that her going off into the world is exactly the way it should be...exactly what she needs ...it had left me very much unbalanced. But strangely enough...on our recent trip to the East Coast...I saw the faint lights of  opening pathways. There are going to be some big changes around here...I can feel it!

The first part of our trip was all about the beach...waking up with the sun and walking down to the ocean outside our doorstep. Oh!!! Bliss. There was a whole lot of watching the waves, squealing and walks and building sand castles. Tara is a complete ocean girl BTW...just like her daddy. Tim is a military trained deep sea diver (fearless) and I, on the other hand, having grown up in S. Africa (home of great whites that you can see from the shore!!) am petrified of deep ocean water. Tara is an absolute water baby, though, and I love seeing her adventurous spirit.

 

I've been re-reading Dr. Angelou's classic I Know Why the Caged Bird Sings. I read it so many years ago in my first years of college and (with her recent passing) felt called to read it again with my 45 year old self rather than my 18 year old perspective. I felt deeply honored and in awe of her truthtelling. Of the way she pulled me into her world with such ease and grace. Another funny thing that happened is that on my trip...I must have seen about 10 other people randomly reading the very same book...a person at the airport, another while we were eating lunch etc. It was a bit startling but synchronicity at work...a note from the Universe (I deeply believe) telling me I'm on the right path.

*P.S. I made this collage inspired by Susannah Conway's recent collage making goodness. I got out all of these old mags, a pair of scissors and glue and Tara and I had so much fun doing our own thing while chatting and laughing. Fun, fun + fun!!  Totally going to do more of this!

 

The second part of our journey was much more fast paced...a few heavily touristed sites, up to Baltimore (one of my very fave places!!) and we spent 2 full days at the Smithsonian. We had only planned for one day there but Tara was so enamored at the Museum of Natural History that she insisted we go back there a second time!!!She loved all the larger than life animal exhibitions, the dinosaurs were a fabulous hit and of course...she loved leading and teaching us all about...well, everything. I adore that Tara is so brilliantly curious and excited about learning. It  makes me happy. One of the most important takeaways from being in D.C. though is that while we thought we may want to move back there...we decided that the traffic was unbearable!!! I guess if you live there you simply grow accustomed to it?? Also the cost of living is through the roof crazy. We lived in that area over 6 years ago (before Tara was born) and either we have become used to the minimal traffic in Colorado or...it has become that much worst over the past few years. While I would love to live in that part of the country with all of the opportunities it presents for my family...sigh...back to the drawing board.  

And I must say that even though I absolutely love travel...it makes me so happy to be back home. I love waking up in the quiet of the morning with the sunshine streaming through the windows...my morning coffee and journaling. And what I am realizing is that, as I get older...I love and need my routines as much as I do stepping out of them!!! Ying and yang...both are equally important, don't you think??

And I serendipitously came across this quote flipping through old mags during my collage making. It totally resonates with me at this time in my life. I have been doing a lot of healing, journaling, soul-mending work and while it is entirely necessary...it has also been extremely difficult.I have had to make an extra effort to be kind and nurturing to mySELF . To make a safe place where I can witness and experience the many emotions this work is bringing to the surface. Emotions and memories I have shut away and not allowed mySELF to feel since ...forever. And truthfully...it's been ...pretty messy and muddled and painful and exhausting . It's brought up so many feelings of deep rage + shame + fears + deep sadness...all of those very messy feelings I would so much rather not deal with. But now is the time. And I have to continually remind myself that ...it's not meant to be easy. Deep breath. So to find this quote was nothing short of a tiny miracle. Now I can turn my heart toward hope...and even though I am far from where I would like to be...I am heading that way...one tiny breath at a time. With each tiny intention and choice...I am marching toward hope. With faith and surrender...I am heading that way. 

With this opening path...I feel so many many changes coming along. I am thinking about transitioning to a vegan diet. Not sure if this is practical for me but...toying with the idea. In my early twenties (ahem...while dating a beautifully spirited Rastaman) I was vegan for a year but it became a bit tedious and impractical for me after a while. I was also a vegetarian for some years but that didn't work for me either...too heavy on the carbs with my tastes for all things pasta. Stepping out of my comfort zone ...I am changing and growing and becoming. Maybe it's a midlife awakening. More than ever ...I am truly grateful for the journey.  And this pic from yesterday...can you tell...we are glad to be back home. xxx