"I'm Imperfect + I'm Enough"

 "There’s nothing more daring than showing up, putting ourselves out there and letting ourselves be seen." -Dr. Brene Brown
 I am so loving this Lifeclass with Oprah and Brene!!!! We just started on Monday and already I feel a paradigm shift...big huge stuff going on over here!! So our first intention was "I'm imperfect and I'm enough"...saying it, claiming it and believing it...how simple...yet how profound. I have struggled with this all of my life...in ways that have been both deep and searingly painful. The struggling to fit in, the striving to be other than what I am...the wishing and hoping for things to be different...that was the overwhelming background music to my life. This quote by Brene pretty much sums it up for me "You either walk inside your story and own it or you stand outside your story & hustle for your worthiness."That was pretty much me right there...Until I turned 40, until I became a mother...until I birthed mySELF. 

Another simple yet brilliant exercise we worked on...permission slips!!! How cool is this idea??? Just writing these out made me a little giddy:) It's just a reminder that...hey! I am giving mySELF permission to...(insert whatever here). Try it out...it's pretty addictive...I promise:)

“Authenticity is a collection of choices that we have to make every day. It's about the choice to show up and be real. The choice to be honest. The choice to let our true selves be seen."- Dr. Brene Brown (the Gifts of Imperfection)
So here I am...grateful to be on this journey to true SELF.

 And here's my intention for the day xxx

checking in with my word for the year

When I picked out my word for the year (dare!!) I was deeply influenced by this book right here and thought the word would guide me in doing more, accomplishing more, dare more...more more more!!!  What I am discovering so far is that this word has shown up in my life in quite the opposite way...but exactly in the way I need!!! Isn't it amazing how the Universe works??? So far...I am leaning into the wisdom of daring to do ...less!!! I am daring to relax, to take more time for me, for getting back to center.

I am daring to be seen. To be vulnerable (so so difficult for me, this one!!!), to be mySELF, to not apologize for who I am. So many times...we lose ourselves (in bits + pieces that add up over time) along the way. I am daring to stop...and gather those pieces, put them back together; repair + replenish. I am daring to shine...not by doing anything spectacular...but simply by being me!!! A few years ago...I never would have dared to even walk down the path of "I am enough"....but now it feels comfortable. It feels like I can stop doing so much ("hustling for worthiness" as Dr. Brene Brown says) and I can just enjoy the present moment.

"There are two ways to live your life.
One is as though nothing is a miracle.
The other is as though everything is a miracle."
                                                         -Albert Einstein
More and more...I am beginning to appreciate  the daily miracles in our lives. I am daring to be...
*happy
*present
*whole
Halfway through the year and this is what my word has revealed itself in my life. Did you pick  a word for the year? What has it revealed to you?

some thoughts on shame + courage + vulnerabilty

   Yesterday I watched part 2 of Super Soul Sunday with Dr. Brene Brown...and I was in tears. Literally in tears. In such a good way. How terrified are we to talk about our shame...about the deepest and most vulnerable parts of ourSELVES? So we hide and cover and deny and pretend and addict etc etc. Dr. Brown's work is so extremely important because we need to address these messy parts of our lives and selves...no? For me, so much of my life was spent carrying the heavy burden of shame that was not mine to bear. And it informed so many of my life choices..friends, relationships etc. It led me to the darkest of places both into the world and within mySELF. It led me to make horrible and painful choices that had no way of resolving themselves. It led me to a people + places and times where I couldn't be who I truly am. Shame, when not processed and resolved, can do all of these things and much, much worst.

It can lead us to betray ourSELVES (which I constantly did), to desperately want others to like the selves we pretend to be (because no-one's going to like who we really are, right???), to get further and further away from our hearts, intuition and SELF. The self that stand true and free and inviolable. The self that seeks the light and magnificence that we truly, in our deepest of deepest hearts, are. The self that wants to dance and sing and just be. The self that knows nothing other than authenticity. Yes!!!...that one and only true self!!!

One of the things Brene said yesterday was something like...courage is a practice; sometimes we need to consciously choose it every hour in every choice, interaction, reaction. Total aha!! moment for me! It's not like we make the choice and that's that...it's work! Being brave in our lives and relationships is hard work!!! But...totally worth it. And yes...sometimes (often?) we will fail + stumble + fall. It's okay. Really...It's okay. We just get up and try again. and again. and again.

“A Prayer
Refuse to fall down
If you cannot refuse to fall down,
refuse to stay down.
If you cannot refuse to stay down,
lift your heart toward heaven,
and like a hungry beggar,
ask that it be filled.
You may be pushed down.
You may be kept from rising.
But no one can keep you from lifting your heart
toward heaven
only you.
It is in the middle of misery
that so much becomes clear.
The one who says nothing good
came of this,
is not yet listening."
         -Dr. Clarissa Pinkola Estes, The Faithful Gardener: A Wise Tale About That Which Can Never Die

with love xxx

living whole(hearted)ly

I started reading this book over a week ago and just couldn't put it down!!! It went with me to Canada and I read it on the plane/airport/car. I pasted stick-it notes all over the place, wrote in my journal every few pages and then...re-read through parts of it. It's that good, it's that true, it's that needed. Daring greatly (in a nutshell) is all about living wholeheartedly. Something i have not done for so much (okay...most) of my life. As a child, I was put in a box and every time I tried to venture out, I was stuck back in or worst. So...pretty soon i learned not to try, not to venture out and not to dream or dare or hope. Then I hit my teens and my real self went further into hiding and my false selves (there were many) became stronger and stronger. You know...this self with my boyfriend, this self with my teachers, this self with my friends  etc. I hated and feared being vulnerable; it took me back to a place where I was abused because of my very vulnerability.

Then, when I turned 30, I went to India for 4 months. Something happened there...that led me to my art, that led me to mySELF. But it wasn't this big huge change all at once...there were tiny step. Going to the art store and buying canvases and paints, learning about different materials and what they could do, signing up for classes and following through. Listening to my heart and not my head (you're going to do what??? You aren't an artist! who do you think you're fooling??) etc etc. Then when I became a mom...living wholeheartedly wasn't an option anymore...it was a necessity. Deep down...I knew this!!! I listened. i followed through. I cried. I shed the false layers...there was no room for that in my marriage and mothering and art and life and heart and soul. So...to read through this book was an affirmation that i am on the right path (for me).

Reading through the book...I realised that all the people I deeply deeply admire ...live wholeheartedly. No matter how different they are...they have that in common. Daring greatly is not about being perfect or spilling every private thought and action and dysfunction. It's not about winning or losing or getting everything we want. It's about showing up, being truly seen for who we are (warts and all). It's not paying attention to the critics and naysayers but using this one precious life that we have to be the full manifestation of who we are. It's about being scared and saying "I'm still going to try. my very best.".

It's about being vulnerable. Being true. Being real. It's about accepting and talking about our shame(s) and moving through it. It's about sharing all of our parts and pieces with trusted others. There are people in our lives who will hold our pain with us and not deny or negate it or use it against us. It's about being the adults we want our children to become. It's about living congruently. This book has inspired me to ...dare greatly. thank you Brene!!!!

learning new ways

I was feeling very vulnerable writing this post last week; I had been meaning to for  a while but kept on putting it off. For most of my life, I had so many walls around me. Walls around my heart and spirit...sometimes even around my mind. It was a protective measure, a survival skill that no longer was needed but one that I held on to for dear life. All of that changed after Tara was born. As soon as I laid eyes on her...something deep inside me was born; the person I was meant to be all along. She birthed me as much as I birthed her. Maybe even more. All of my walls slowly came crumbling down. Just like that...a lifetime of defenses crumbled to dust. Here I stood, very naked and vulnerable and half scared to death. But...let me tell you a secret. I am learning new ways and it feels so damn good!! It feels holy and true and right and pure to be wide open like the sky. As generous as a tree...as naked and vulnerable as a newborn baby. I am learning new ways...and things are exactly as it is meant to be.

planting seeds in the garden of courage

I just came across a journal entry of mine from about...3 years ago. I had set some goals for myself and one of the things I really wanted to do was open up a shop on Etsy...But things happened...Tim deployed to Iraq and I got pregnant and had Tara and...fast forward to today. Wow! Time just zooms by! Recently I have had to dig really deep, deep within myself and ...plant seeds in the garden of courage:

1. vulnerability

2. authenticity

3. faith

4. creativity

5. love love love

This is the path I set for mySELF...This is what I want to cultivate...To follow my dreams no matter how difficult or unlikely they seem. To have the courage to not strive for perfection but to embrace the beauty of imperfection. To do my best in all things and then...to let go. To love and embrace where I am on my journey. What are some of the seeds you plant in the garden of courage?