the journey to whole(HEART)edness

 

“Authenticity is a collection of choices that we have to make every day. It's about the choice to show up and be real. The choice to be honest. The choice to let our true selves be seen.”
                                                        -Dr. Brene Brown, The Gifts of Imperfection
I took Dr. Brene's Lifeclass with Oprah a couple of months ago and, honestly, I'm still trying to process it all. From the very first time I stumbled upon her blog, Ordinary Courage, I felt a deep and abiding resonance to her words and work; I was meant to land right there on her pages! I read all of her books (many times, dog-eared and marked with sticky notes) but taking a class with her was something else altogether. Someone...she has a way of articulating what you already deep down know...but in a way where you go..."aha!!! Now I get it!!! click!"). And just like that...there is a paradigm shift because, as she says, once you know something...you can't very well unknow it!! And ...wholeheartedness is not...well now that I have decided to live this way...everything is great, I'm always happy and joyful and full of gratitude etc. So not true! Being wholehearted is a struggle...it's a practice and takes consistent  hard work. But...ultimately...is there any other choice???
When I came across this definition I wrote it up and pinned it on my studio wall...in my most ungraceful and cowardly moments (and in the course of a day, let me tell you...there are many, many, many)...I focus on these words and lean into the intention to be brave, to show up and be seen while speaking my truth. Quiet...graceful...firm...it's what I am striving for.
“The root of the word courage  is cor – the Latin word for heart.  In one of its earliest forms, the word courage had a very different definition than it does today. Courage originally meant ‘To speak one’s mind by telling all one’s heart.’ Over time, this definition has changed, and, today, courage is more synonymous with being heroic. Heroics is important and we certainly need heroes, but I think we’ve lost touch with the idea that speaking honestly and openly about who we are, about what we’re feeling, and about our experiences (good and bad) is the definition of courage. Heroics is often about putting our life on the line. Ordinary courage is about putting our vulnerability on the line. In today’s world, that’s pretty extraordinary.” -Dr. Brene Brown

And lets talk about boundaries!!! OMG!!! For most (nearly all) of my life...I had no idea what they were and even when I did...chose to be silent, resentful, angry rather than simply speak my truth and let the chips fall where they may. I think most of it stems from being raised in an abusive + dysfunctional family but I also feel that women are socialized in varying degrees to be nice at any cost; to get along and go along. It took turning 40 + becoming a mother to truly dig deep down and get clear with myself on what I truly needed. To fully acknowledge and give credence to the entirety of my feelings rather than make excuses for others' bad behavior or sweep my feelings under the rug. All big huge stuff going on while adjusting to motherhood and raising my daughter. So...as you can imagine...when I first came across R. Brown's blog/books etc...I felt as if a lifeboat had been thrown out to me. In this class...she goes into great great detail about how to set boundaries! I mean...don't we all need a bit (or in my case...a lot) of help in this dept.??? One of the practices she taught us that I am totally using is mantras/intentions. We can make up our own or borrow them, write them on pieces of paper and keep them in our pockets ...that way when we most need them, we can just pull them out and gather courage + strength. It doesn't matter where they come from as long as they speak to us. Brilliant! One of hers is "I choose discomfort over resentment". I can't begin to tell you how many times I have had every intention of speaking my truth, only to lose all courage in the moment and falter...then fail...only to be eaten away by resentment, guilt and anger later.  Just this part of the class alone helped me out tremendously. Suddenly...I feel stronger, wiser, braver. Okay... have to work at putting it into practice but still...:)

“Here's what is truly at the heart of wholeheartedness: Worthy now, not if, not when, we're worthy of love and belonging now. Right this minute. As is.”-   -Dr. Brene Brown, The Gifts of Imperfection
Oh!!! And shame + worthiness. Those 2 inter-related concepts no-one really  wants to speak openly about in public. But how necessary!!!  It's the hiding and pretending that we don't have any shame at all that leads us down the painful road of perfectionism, "I am not enough" and unworthiness. And this road leads us to all sorts of dysfunctional behaviors + addictions.It leads us to envy, jealousy, mean-spiritness, toxic relationships, judgement, living behind a mask, always seeking approval  and loss of creativity. On and on to all sorts of negativity. I lived like that for so long...all through my teens...definitely...and even through my twenties. And I can tell you that it was no way to live at all. This journey to wholeheartedness takes courage, vulnerability, truth-telling and heart. Thank you Brene...for the work you do! And thank you Oprah for hosting this Lifeclass. I'm all in...heart + soul.

soulwork, heartwork, truthwork

 

(prints and original available here!!)

I've been reading through my old journals and diaries lately...mostly because I'm taking Brene's e-course and it requires a lot of deep soulwork...heartwork and truthwork. And so...I've had to go traipsing down a lot of dark alleys I really don't want to go back to. But...this is the work I have committed to.

Truth...much of my life has been filled with so much angst and broken-ness...I can barely breathe thinking about it now. There were huge periods of my life that were bleak and hopeless and what got me through...I still have no idea. Sometimes it was ...perhaps a line from a poem...a book...a bird flying through the sky on wings I wished were mine. Sometimes it was a person who took a moment to offer me a kind word...shelter. Sometimes...it was absolutely nothing but the faith in my heart that I would get through this...that everything was exactly as it was meant to be ( a bitter pill to swallow) and I was supposed to learn something grand from it all...that there was a lesson in all of the mysteries I couldn't wrap my head + heart around. Sometimes...there was numbing, toxic relationships, tears that never ended and ...writing which always healed something inside of me. Time and time again in my life...I have been broken in pieces...shattered. And this is what I can now say...

* we are all (yes...every single one of us) carrying enormous collective and personal pain. We may have different stories and different psyches..but it is part and parcel of the human experience. 

* every single time I have been shattered, I have been re-arranged like a kaleidoscope in the most wonderful of ways...a quiet strength, beauty + grace has crept into my heart and fortified my spirit. It is one of those huge mysteries of life that is not meant to be understood...only accepted with heartfelt gratitude. 

* Being honest about who we are takes big huge courage...each tiny step leading to the next. It's difficult as hell being in the trenches...but...really, it's where I need to be right now. xxx

on digging deep, setting boundaries and cultivating authenticity

“One of the most calming and powerful actions you can do to intervene in a stormy world is to stand up and show your soul. Struggling souls catch light from other souls who are fully lit and willing to show it" -Dr.Clarissa Pinkola Estes 

I've been doing some of the deep + difficult soul work that has come out of Brene's Lifeclass (one of the best things I'm doing for myself this year!!)...and it's messy! Not a little bit messy either...but big, huge, deep OMG!!! how am I going to wade through this crap kinda' messy! Until I was in my mid thirties, I had no idea what boundaries were! Okay...I knew what they were intellectually but I didn't think I even had the right to say no. I didn't have the constitution to lovingly talk about my feelings and ask for what I needed. And I had no idea what the difference was between guilt and shame because I was consumed by both. So what ended up happening was this right here: it all became a vicious cycle with one feeding into the other. And it was difficult for me to differentiate where one messy emotion started and the other ended; it all became a big huge glob of tangled up guilt/shame/guilt/shame. It was ugly. Then...somewhere in my mid-thirties I had a series of events happen that forced me to wake up. There were a multitude of betrayals and obvious overstepping of boundaries from so many people who were close to me...I couldn't ignore it any longer.  In retrospect I know it was the Universe screaming at me, trying to get my attention: it worked! And ever since then...it has been one slow step (with plenty of regressions!!) toward cultivating authenticity and setting boundaries (I believe the two go together...hand in hand).  And it has been difficult...it still is. Some days there's only a holding on to faith...other days there is a book or  a quote I hold onto for dear life. Sometimes there is a trusted friend I can spill myself open to. But many times...there is pull back to the past and just waiting out the day to start fresh tomorrow. There are times when I feel like no progress has been made at all and, actually, I've regressed ( I hate that!! but...*sigh*...am learning to trust + lean into)! All of these experiences are equally important to the journey...I am finding out. Nothing is wasted. ever. ever. ever.

 Fast forward to...when I became a mother I realized that I absolutely did not want to perpetuate this cycle...and this deep soul work became that much more important...that much more imperative. I couldn't talk or read about authenticity...I had to become authentic and practice it in tiny steps every chance I could.  And it requires courage, it requires risk, falling down, being in the space of "not knowing"...it requires heart! And the people who were not good for me...the people who were so immersed in their own shame (as I was for most of my life) that they tried to shame me??? They all fell by the wayside. When I came across Brene's work way back when I first started my blog...I was truly blown away! Her words spoke to me in a visceral way that, to this day,  is difficult for me to fully articulate. I have read all of her books many times over (complete with sticky notes and highlights!!) and her words continue to help me along this path to a more authentic self. And like I said...it's messy! But a good kind of messy because now I can see, now I have guides and community. And boy! ...does it make all the difference! 

And here's my gorgeous girl from a few weeks ago (with her dolly Emma). There have been so many changes around here... she started wearing glasses which has been an adjustment , she went through a huge (mental) growth spurt and surprises me daily with  her astute observations ...and she's just so funny she cracks us up.

 Thankful and grateful this morning...for the journey.

"I'm Imperfect + I'm Enough"

 "There’s nothing more daring than showing up, putting ourselves out there and letting ourselves be seen." -Dr. Brene Brown
 I am so loving this Lifeclass with Oprah and Brene!!!! We just started on Monday and already I feel a paradigm shift...big huge stuff going on over here!! So our first intention was "I'm imperfect and I'm enough"...saying it, claiming it and believing it...how simple...yet how profound. I have struggled with this all of my life...in ways that have been both deep and searingly painful. The struggling to fit in, the striving to be other than what I am...the wishing and hoping for things to be different...that was the overwhelming background music to my life. This quote by Brene pretty much sums it up for me "You either walk inside your story and own it or you stand outside your story & hustle for your worthiness."That was pretty much me right there...Until I turned 40, until I became a mother...until I birthed mySELF. 

Another simple yet brilliant exercise we worked on...permission slips!!! How cool is this idea??? Just writing these out made me a little giddy:) It's just a reminder that...hey! I am giving mySELF permission to...(insert whatever here). Try it out...it's pretty addictive...I promise:)

“Authenticity is a collection of choices that we have to make every day. It's about the choice to show up and be real. The choice to be honest. The choice to let our true selves be seen."- Dr. Brene Brown (the Gifts of Imperfection)
So here I am...grateful to be on this journey to true SELF.

 And here's my intention for the day xxx

I rise

                           (I Rise, mixed media on watercolor paper, 8 x 10, archival print available here)
Friends...it has been an incredibly stressful week for us over here. I have been thoroughly opened up inside and out...a roller coaster of some of the most intensely painful emotions I have ever experienced. I have cried and ranted and completely lost my composure. I have been unbelievably angry, incredibly sad and at a complete and utter loss for what to do. I have had rows of sleepless nights, knots in my stomach and uncontrollable crying spells. When we send our children out into the world...we do so with the full expectation that the world will be a kind place. That their little hearts and souls will be valued, respected and treasured. That they will be accepted and treated well. And when ugly things happen...how it shatters the very heart of who we are...making us bitter and cynical and outright pissed!! I know that I have to accept the world as it is, not as I would like it to be. I know that parenting is a difficult gig with no manual, I know that emotions can quickly get out of control and cloud reason and judgement. I know that metamorphosis is painful, draining and entirely necessary.  And this is what happened...
*I realized that sometimes decisions are best made using our heart.
*I discovered that everything everything everything can be doors to a higher understanding and a more compassionate way of life.
*I also learned (once again!) that you just can't argue with stupidity and ignorance.
And when all those layers were peeled back, this is what I saw... I am strong,  I am wise,  I have heart. I rise.

And now for some great good stuff that I wanted to share:
* I'm not quite sure how  I came across this amazing man and his TED talk but it just blew me away!! I was taken by his spirit and heart...his sheer humility and brilliance...as an educator and seer. I did more research on him and ordered his book (World Peace and Other 4th Grade Achievements)...I mean, how freakin' fantastic can one person be???
* okay...how amazing is this class right here???? Dr. Brene Brown  and Oprah??? Art journaling, vulnerability and digging deep??? Did I mention Brene and Oprah??? Sign me up please!
*Thrift Books! I just discovered this place a few months ago...and since I buy  a ton of books (for both me and Tara) it has really helped me out. Free shipping and used books (often ex-library books that are in great shape) = I'm hooked!!
* Tara's studio space is coming along quite nicely. It's not 100% done yet but I really think it's going to work out great. She's so excited to have her own "big girl" studio and loves that she's a "real artist" now:) Pics soon!

some thoughts on shame + courage + vulnerabilty

   Yesterday I watched part 2 of Super Soul Sunday with Dr. Brene Brown...and I was in tears. Literally in tears. In such a good way. How terrified are we to talk about our shame...about the deepest and most vulnerable parts of ourSELVES? So we hide and cover and deny and pretend and addict etc etc. Dr. Brown's work is so extremely important because we need to address these messy parts of our lives and selves...no? For me, so much of my life was spent carrying the heavy burden of shame that was not mine to bear. And it informed so many of my life choices..friends, relationships etc. It led me to the darkest of places both into the world and within mySELF. It led me to make horrible and painful choices that had no way of resolving themselves. It led me to a people + places and times where I couldn't be who I truly am. Shame, when not processed and resolved, can do all of these things and much, much worst.

It can lead us to betray ourSELVES (which I constantly did), to desperately want others to like the selves we pretend to be (because no-one's going to like who we really are, right???), to get further and further away from our hearts, intuition and SELF. The self that stand true and free and inviolable. The self that seeks the light and magnificence that we truly, in our deepest of deepest hearts, are. The self that wants to dance and sing and just be. The self that knows nothing other than authenticity. Yes!!!...that one and only true self!!!

One of the things Brene said yesterday was something like...courage is a practice; sometimes we need to consciously choose it every hour in every choice, interaction, reaction. Total aha!! moment for me! It's not like we make the choice and that's that...it's work! Being brave in our lives and relationships is hard work!!! But...totally worth it. And yes...sometimes (often?) we will fail + stumble + fall. It's okay. Really...It's okay. We just get up and try again. and again. and again.

“A Prayer
Refuse to fall down
If you cannot refuse to fall down,
refuse to stay down.
If you cannot refuse to stay down,
lift your heart toward heaven,
and like a hungry beggar,
ask that it be filled.
You may be pushed down.
You may be kept from rising.
But no one can keep you from lifting your heart
toward heaven
only you.
It is in the middle of misery
that so much becomes clear.
The one who says nothing good
came of this,
is not yet listening."
         -Dr. Clarissa Pinkola Estes, The Faithful Gardener: A Wise Tale About That Which Can Never Die

with love xxx

this + that

I have been reading Daring Greatly nonstop this week (am on chapter 3 ...Understanding and Combating Shame) and it is beyond brilliant + complicated + messy...and totally necessary. it's all about claiming our vulnerability to be wholehearted. Brene says that when we have the courage to be vulnerable...it transforms every aspect of our lives. I have found that to be 100% true in my life...vulnerability has made me stronger, not weaker.

I have been rearranging things in my studio...getting rid of stuff as well. This chair is in a cosy corner and I just love the morning sunlight that pours through the windows. Let me tell you the story behind this chair, though. I picked it up at the junk store a  few months ago and it was ugly. I mean...ugleeeeee! It has really dated tweed plaid fabric and was a very heavy walnut color. But it had good bones, is super comfortable and was a steal. So I recovered the cushions, painted the wood a warm linen color and threw this Suzani fabric (actually an extra curtain panel!) over the seat. Now...totally love!!

I actually got to see our first lady Michelle Obama speak this week...she was brilliant, brave + beautiful and I was in awe. She rocked Colorado!!! I really wish that I could have taken Tara to see her but it would have been too much ...all the crowds and long hours. Elections are right around the corner and I, for one, wish it were all over. There's just so much hanging in the balance.



Been making lots of art this week. just getting into my studio and experimenting, making journal pages, and trying out new products.

I received my book by Mati Rose this week and have been trying out all sorts of new and fun techniques. Totally in love with this book! Besides all the useful info...the gorgeous pics are totally inspiring!!!

I came across this sign in a shop window and had to take a pic!! I fundamentally believe in this but...yes, I know...my husband is a Marine! The Universe has a sense of humor I'm thinking:) I absolutely am proud of my husband, the man he is and the heart he has. And still I hold true to who I am. Besides...as Tim says...soldiers usually hate war the most because they are the ones who have to fight it.

Fall is in full bloom over here and I just adore the leaves all aflame, cooler evening weather and bundling up. There are pumpkins and Halloween decorations out everywhere...hot drinks and early darkness. We love our evening walks...Tim and i holding hands and Tara skipping ahead.

My beautiful girl growing up waaaaaay too fast. She picks out her own clothes, tells me she needs her privacy (!!!) and is curious + sassy + so so sweet + smart. I'm teaching her Spanish and she already knows her numbers and colors!

 Hope you all have a great weekend!! xxx

REVERB#10-reflect on this year and manifest what's next

(photo taken this Summer in Va.)

Dr. Brene Brown has an amazing reflection and manifestation post on her blog; I always go there when I need a serious dose of ordinary courage! Head on over to read her thoughts or participate on your own blogs...Either way; this time of year is just perfect for this sort of reflective thinking! So here was the question that was posed by Gwen Bell:

Encapsulate the year 2010 in one word. Now...imagine that it is year from today; what would you like the word to be that captures 2011?
So, for me, the year 2010 can be captured in one word: challenging! In 2 words...very challenging!! With so much going on right from the start...Tim's shoulder surgery that was difficult and painful, , a huge learning curve with setting up my creative biz, my family being apart for so much of the year, packing out our home and moving (again!!)...all this while trying to keep up with Tara transitioning into her toddler years!! Oh yes...challenging!

                                                (August in Va...serious girl Tara and mommy)

But oh!! the magical gifts of this year were unexpected and seriously good...my marriage grew stronger through this time (Tim and I have always worked so well together but now we really had to depend on each other more than ever), I developed small bits and pieces of confidence as I did very difficult things that I never thought I could ever do(I set up my own website!! ), real connections and friendships started developing through my blog...I became more and more...mySELF!! And this blog (what I now feel is a very sacred space) has been the most amazing thing! It has challenged (there's that word again!!) me creatively and intellectually, exposed me to so many kind and creative souls and has freed me up in so many ways. The best gift of all this year has been watching my Tara grow...it just shatters my heart with sad sweetness to see all her small (and big) steps ...sweetness because I am so proud and such sadness because she is growing up so fast (she said "love you" for the very first time the other day!!...oh! what that did to me!) .Now...how about you? what one word would describe your year? Share it over here or on Brene's blog or in your journal or...
The word I hope to describe 2011? Blooming! I want to bloom in every way. I would like to fully claim all parts of mySELF; the hidden pieces, the broken pieces...the funny, vulnerable, honest, gifted, sad, articulate, creative, lovely, bold, ugly...pieces. I want to gather up all of these parts and quilt them together...I want to be in full bloom. What about you?

                                                               (Soul in Bloom, mixed media)