the journey to whole(HEART)edness

 

“Authenticity is a collection of choices that we have to make every day. It's about the choice to show up and be real. The choice to be honest. The choice to let our true selves be seen.”
                                                        -Dr. Brene Brown, The Gifts of Imperfection
I took Dr. Brene's Lifeclass with Oprah a couple of months ago and, honestly, I'm still trying to process it all. From the very first time I stumbled upon her blog, Ordinary Courage, I felt a deep and abiding resonance to her words and work; I was meant to land right there on her pages! I read all of her books (many times, dog-eared and marked with sticky notes) but taking a class with her was something else altogether. Someone...she has a way of articulating what you already deep down know...but in a way where you go..."aha!!! Now I get it!!! click!"). And just like that...there is a paradigm shift because, as she says, once you know something...you can't very well unknow it!! And ...wholeheartedness is not...well now that I have decided to live this way...everything is great, I'm always happy and joyful and full of gratitude etc. So not true! Being wholehearted is a struggle...it's a practice and takes consistent  hard work. But...ultimately...is there any other choice???
When I came across this definition I wrote it up and pinned it on my studio wall...in my most ungraceful and cowardly moments (and in the course of a day, let me tell you...there are many, many, many)...I focus on these words and lean into the intention to be brave, to show up and be seen while speaking my truth. Quiet...graceful...firm...it's what I am striving for.
“The root of the word courage  is cor – the Latin word for heart.  In one of its earliest forms, the word courage had a very different definition than it does today. Courage originally meant ‘To speak one’s mind by telling all one’s heart.’ Over time, this definition has changed, and, today, courage is more synonymous with being heroic. Heroics is important and we certainly need heroes, but I think we’ve lost touch with the idea that speaking honestly and openly about who we are, about what we’re feeling, and about our experiences (good and bad) is the definition of courage. Heroics is often about putting our life on the line. Ordinary courage is about putting our vulnerability on the line. In today’s world, that’s pretty extraordinary.” -Dr. Brene Brown

And lets talk about boundaries!!! OMG!!! For most (nearly all) of my life...I had no idea what they were and even when I did...chose to be silent, resentful, angry rather than simply speak my truth and let the chips fall where they may. I think most of it stems from being raised in an abusive + dysfunctional family but I also feel that women are socialized in varying degrees to be nice at any cost; to get along and go along. It took turning 40 + becoming a mother to truly dig deep down and get clear with myself on what I truly needed. To fully acknowledge and give credence to the entirety of my feelings rather than make excuses for others' bad behavior or sweep my feelings under the rug. All big huge stuff going on while adjusting to motherhood and raising my daughter. So...as you can imagine...when I first came across R. Brown's blog/books etc...I felt as if a lifeboat had been thrown out to me. In this class...she goes into great great detail about how to set boundaries! I mean...don't we all need a bit (or in my case...a lot) of help in this dept.??? One of the practices she taught us that I am totally using is mantras/intentions. We can make up our own or borrow them, write them on pieces of paper and keep them in our pockets ...that way when we most need them, we can just pull them out and gather courage + strength. It doesn't matter where they come from as long as they speak to us. Brilliant! One of hers is "I choose discomfort over resentment". I can't begin to tell you how many times I have had every intention of speaking my truth, only to lose all courage in the moment and falter...then fail...only to be eaten away by resentment, guilt and anger later.  Just this part of the class alone helped me out tremendously. Suddenly...I feel stronger, wiser, braver. Okay... have to work at putting it into practice but still...:)

“Here's what is truly at the heart of wholeheartedness: Worthy now, not if, not when, we're worthy of love and belonging now. Right this minute. As is.”-   -Dr. Brene Brown, The Gifts of Imperfection
Oh!!! And shame + worthiness. Those 2 inter-related concepts no-one really  wants to speak openly about in public. But how necessary!!!  It's the hiding and pretending that we don't have any shame at all that leads us down the painful road of perfectionism, "I am not enough" and unworthiness. And this road leads us to all sorts of dysfunctional behaviors + addictions.It leads us to envy, jealousy, mean-spiritness, toxic relationships, judgement, living behind a mask, always seeking approval  and loss of creativity. On and on to all sorts of negativity. I lived like that for so long...all through my teens...definitely...and even through my twenties. And I can tell you that it was no way to live at all. This journey to wholeheartedness takes courage, vulnerability, truth-telling and heart. Thank you Brene...for the work you do! And thank you Oprah for hosting this Lifeclass. I'm all in...heart + soul.

on digging deep, setting boundaries and cultivating authenticity

“One of the most calming and powerful actions you can do to intervene in a stormy world is to stand up and show your soul. Struggling souls catch light from other souls who are fully lit and willing to show it" -Dr.Clarissa Pinkola Estes 

I've been doing some of the deep + difficult soul work that has come out of Brene's Lifeclass (one of the best things I'm doing for myself this year!!)...and it's messy! Not a little bit messy either...but big, huge, deep OMG!!! how am I going to wade through this crap kinda' messy! Until I was in my mid thirties, I had no idea what boundaries were! Okay...I knew what they were intellectually but I didn't think I even had the right to say no. I didn't have the constitution to lovingly talk about my feelings and ask for what I needed. And I had no idea what the difference was between guilt and shame because I was consumed by both. So what ended up happening was this right here: it all became a vicious cycle with one feeding into the other. And it was difficult for me to differentiate where one messy emotion started and the other ended; it all became a big huge glob of tangled up guilt/shame/guilt/shame. It was ugly. Then...somewhere in my mid-thirties I had a series of events happen that forced me to wake up. There were a multitude of betrayals and obvious overstepping of boundaries from so many people who were close to me...I couldn't ignore it any longer.  In retrospect I know it was the Universe screaming at me, trying to get my attention: it worked! And ever since then...it has been one slow step (with plenty of regressions!!) toward cultivating authenticity and setting boundaries (I believe the two go together...hand in hand).  And it has been difficult...it still is. Some days there's only a holding on to faith...other days there is a book or  a quote I hold onto for dear life. Sometimes there is a trusted friend I can spill myself open to. But many times...there is pull back to the past and just waiting out the day to start fresh tomorrow. There are times when I feel like no progress has been made at all and, actually, I've regressed ( I hate that!! but...*sigh*...am learning to trust + lean into)! All of these experiences are equally important to the journey...I am finding out. Nothing is wasted. ever. ever. ever.

 Fast forward to...when I became a mother I realized that I absolutely did not want to perpetuate this cycle...and this deep soul work became that much more important...that much more imperative. I couldn't talk or read about authenticity...I had to become authentic and practice it in tiny steps every chance I could.  And it requires courage, it requires risk, falling down, being in the space of "not knowing"...it requires heart! And the people who were not good for me...the people who were so immersed in their own shame (as I was for most of my life) that they tried to shame me??? They all fell by the wayside. When I came across Brene's work way back when I first started my blog...I was truly blown away! Her words spoke to me in a visceral way that, to this day,  is difficult for me to fully articulate. I have read all of her books many times over (complete with sticky notes and highlights!!) and her words continue to help me along this path to a more authentic self. And like I said...it's messy! But a good kind of messy because now I can see, now I have guides and community. And boy! ...does it make all the difference! 

And here's my gorgeous girl from a few weeks ago (with her dolly Emma). There have been so many changes around here... she started wearing glasses which has been an adjustment , she went through a huge (mental) growth spurt and surprises me daily with  her astute observations ...and she's just so funny she cracks us up.

 Thankful and grateful this morning...for the journey.