2010 year review

"When we speak we are afraid our words will not be heard or welcomed. But when we are silent, we are still afraid. So it is better to speak."- Audre Lorde
This year will forever be remembered as the start of me finding my voice...both personally and creatively.
* First off, I started my blog around this time last year. It was extremely difficult to take the plunge (I had been thinking about it for a couple of years!!). I was plagued by insecurity, "what do I have to say?", "how will I find the time" ...on and on. But one of the deepest revelations is that this blogging journey-like life itSELF-requires heart. (a whole post on blogging soon!!) .One of the most unexpected and sweet gifts of this year has been the blogging community. Your friendships, inspiration and support have bouyed me and nourished me. Thank you!!
* In March Tim had shoulder surgery; which was very painful with a long recovery. It was really difficult on him and on our family but with great medical support-we got through.

"The point of art is not simply to express ourselves, but to create an external, concrete form in which the soul of our lives can be evoked and contained."- Dr. Clarissa Pinkola Estes

* I plunged into painting, carving huge chunks of time after Tara went to sleep. Sure it was super difficult and I was sleep deprived for much of the year!!...but I made a commitment in my heart. I started a collection of works called "Invoking the Goddess"...my art took on a different direction that was surprising and pleasing. All of my truth, heart, love, pain, vulnerability started spilling out onto the canvas. I gathered all of my pieces ...my broken-ness and my whole-ness...and started laying them down on canvas. My work became more personal and...real. I wanted to create meaningful soul-work; this year was a huge step in this direction.

* We went on a 7 day Mothers Day cruise that was Oh! so good!! We stopped off at Grand Cayman, Belize, Honduras and Mexico...I could use a little bit of Bob Marley and Jamaican rum in the sunshine right now, let me tell you!!

* I took Flying Lessons with Kelly Rae Roberts and it was super amazing!! It was the exact combination of sass, kick-in-the-pants, inspiration, practical info. and heart that I needed. I learned so much... possibilities opened up.

* As Tara moved from baby to toddler...motherhood continued to surprise, challenge and nourish me. And oh! there was so much sweet sadness and delight and new amazement. Just watching her grow ...filled my heart with wonder and appreciation . I savored every moment of it! There were tea parties and picnics under the moon, long summer days and so many firsts. There were challenges and frustration too and lots of mommy guilt; am I doing things right? should I put off my creative life until she gets older?, on and on. I relied on so many books and people I trust...then I went with my heart and gut. I realised that everyone has an opinion but only I can make these decisions about the kind of mother I would be. She turns 2 next month and I just have no idea how the time flew by...So...this is how it happens? How I am going to just blink my eyes and ...she's all grown up ...going to high school! Being a mother has been the most amazing, heart-full experience for me...She is a joy-complete. Through it all my love multiplied; fierce and tender...side by side.
On the down side-I never knew I could worry so much!...about everything related to her (even though I try not to!)...everything from her getting hurt to child abductions to...But I realize that I have to be there for her completely...until I am not here anymore (and that worries me too!!).

* I set up my website (by myself !!) and opened up my Etsy store. It was something I have wanted to do for such a long time; I finally committed the time and, more importantly, cultivated the courage to do it. Small , tiny steps amounted to huge leaps and bounds. There was a very steep learning curve (tech and biz wise). With each tiny accomplishment, my confidence and courage grew.

*P.S. My Etsy store is currently closed until Feb.2011

"The real miracle of individuation and reclamation of the Wild Woman is that we all begin the process before we are ready, before we are strong enough, before we know enough; we begin a dialogue with thoughts and feelings that both tickle and thunder within us. We respond before we know how to speak the language, before we know all the answers, and before we know exactly to whom we are speaking" - Dr. Clarissa Pinkola Estes
This quote conveys exactly how I felt this year. Even though deep in my heart I knew this was a beginning; a journey of realization...I felt as if I were groping in the dark; there were words in my heart that were silent...unspoken. There were stories...untold and a deep, innate knowledge that I had to let so much of my past go.
* This year was marked by huge personal growth. So much that I feel as if I am a completely different person! My priorities became much more focused, I made huge personal decisions as to what kind of life I wanted to live going forward.
Setting boundaries became easier, standing up for mySELf and my family, scheduling my time...all came into focus. Something in me shifted where I decided that I wanted to step into all of who I am; my potentiality. And this was big, huge, ginormous! I made the very difficult decision to close doors that I knew were unhealthy for me, that kept my higher SELF from being present. Managing marriage, mothering Tara, painting, art biz, blogging, classes, packing and moving across the country...left me on a vicious cycle of work, work, work...burnout!! Balance got thrown out the window this year!!...

 

*My love of photography and writing developed...ignited by:

Tara-I wanted to capture all her moments from the magical to the mundane. I filled up photo albums and scrapbooks, started archiving and recording her life.
Blogging-now I had to sit down every few days and put together a post! At first it was daunting and nerve wracking let me tell you! But then I realised how blogging fertilized my creativity in endless ways; I wanted to capture a moment...feelings, a thought. I yearned to capture in image ...the sun hitting a bowl of lemons just so...or my Tara caught in a moment of glee. I wanted to string together words that held my deepest thoughts ...my SELF. I wanted to connect with people in a deep and meaningful and that required that I shed my layers of doubt and insecurity.

" Love is or it ain't. Thin love ain't no love at all."-Toni Morrison, from Beloved

* We decided to move across the country (again!!) and it was a super difficult time. Tim and I spent much of the year apart and there were tears and anger, blame and unhappiness...And oh yes! There were fights (uh! I mean ...heated arguments!!) This move was the most difficult for me and it really put a strain on our marriage. But at the end, we emerged stronger...as individuals and as a couple. I realised the multi-layered nature of family, marriage and commitment are held together in delicate balance by love, compassion, understanding and friendship. Once again, things shifted and priorities came into sharp focus .

Well, 2010...you have been a difficult teacher but your gifts have been many. There have been tears and heart wrenching frustration, sadness, change and letting go. There has been crushing disappointments, shame and guilt. Yet through it all there has been joy and so much love, new friendships, creativity and passions rekindled. And I am so so grateful ...for every morsel of it!
Now I hold you close and fold you up-year 2010-and tuck you away into my heart's memory...with all my other years. None of us know what 2011 holds...what tears and joys lie ahead. But I keep my heart open as I step into this new year...I am full of hope and anticipation but also know that I may have to weather some storms. So goodbye year 2010...as we all step into this new year ...hearts full of promise.
                                                                        Happy New Year!!

reflection + sadness + hope = awakening

                                      (pic taken this morning-full of sadness, full of hope)

" There is no greater agony than bearing an untold story inside you"
                                                                                            - Maya Angelou
Maybe it's just this time of year...or maybe it's because I have a birthday coming up next week (yikes!! more on that later!)...or maybe just because...but I have been feeling very reflective lately. I have been thinking about my 2010 year review (coming up in my next blog post)... and boy! So much has happened this year; I feel like I have grown and changed so much but haven't had a chance to catch up to my new self. I have been feeling very sad lately but also full of hope.  Feeling very scattered ...as if I am all in pieces; delicate and vulnerable...but strong as steel too. It may seem paradoxical...but the more open I am, the more true and honest and vulnerable I am...the stronger I get. Do you ever feel that way too? Where you  can toss off these shackles of "lets pretend" and...just be...who you are. So it's an awakening for me...to become who I am meant to be; a true gift as I get older. I am claiming all my parts and pieces...shame, resilience, anger, bare truth, vulnerability, courage and gifts. I am claiming them in their beauty and telling my stories...in my way, in my time.  I am awakening to the fullness of mySELF. And it feel sad and hopeful and...good.

   (awakening to the fullness of herSELF, mixed media on canvas, archival prints available soon!)

When we claim all of who we are...our deepest ugliness and our greatest beauty...it is then, that we step into ourSELVES fully...whole...Have you claimed your full self? If not now, when?

unexpected gifts

I had no idea how this Xmas would turn out; of course I planned things out as much as I could and just hoped for the best...But we are living in a hotel right now, looking for a home, putting in offers and right smack in the middle of all the messiness and tangled emotions of being unsettled. There were no cookies baking in the oven, decorating our home, a homemade turkey dinner...but this Xmas, there were some unexpected gifts that opened my heart wide and deep to the true meaning of this season.
* My little family being together
* Tara beaming with joy...full of glee and giggles on Xmas morning when she saw her little red tricycle (her new favorite toy!)
* Meeting the kindest, salt-of-the-earth people who opened their hearts and homes to us this Xmas
* The Xmas card I received from Tim-love
* Reading Kelly Rae Roberts' Xmas post on surrendering. I totally agree. So many times we think that Xmas is all about joy and being happy ...there is that picture perfect expectation. But sometimes there is a lot of sadness and sheer hard grief...for things lost and broken. This season is also about acknowledging and surrendering to all of our heart.
* The heart-FULL community of blogland. I may not have met you in person but...oh!! I have certainly met you in spirit and mind and heart. And what a true gift your friendships have been.
These gifts -unexpected-have humbled me and filled my heart with gratitude. All I can say is...thanks!

Xmas snaps

(Tara-first Xmas, Va 2009)

(Tara this morning with her red tricycle)

(Tara, Xmas 2010)

 Sending lots of love from us...to you. MERRY XMAS!

Xmas 2010 wishes and kisses

(Tara says "happy holidays!!")

Things have been so helter-skelter over here; I have been reading some of the blogs out there and I really envy those of you who have all your Xmas preparations done! It must be really nice to enjoy a relaxing Xmas week...just taking your time and soaking everything in. As for me, all of this morning was spent on doctor appointments, then sneaking in some time with Tara at the park; the sun peeked out for a while today (so good!)...then we spent all afternoon looking at homes!! Tomorrow is gift shopping and visits and... Tara just loves loves loves the hotel lobby...it has a ginourmous tree, nativity scenes, nutcracker dolls that are bigger than Tara!! and electric snowmen!! I have never been a huge Xmas person, to be quite honest. But oh!! all of that has changed now with Tara...I want her to experience all the tradition and sparkle of this time. And she is just loving it!! Can you tell from the pics?

(happy happy Tara girl)

Dear friends...Wishing you all a merry magical Xmas...full of love and laughter, warmth and sweetness, wishes and kisses. I hope there is love in your lives, peace in your hearts, gifts of all kinds and...eggnog and fruitcake!! I am taking a few days off from my blog but will be back soon. Happy holidays from us over here. xxx

splish-splash

(Tara in her new super cute rain booties)

It has been pouring buckets these past few days; I guess the whole of Ca has been hit by record rain. Parts of Northern Ca are even buried under tons of snow. Poor Tara has been cooped up inside so yesterday I bought her some rain boots (aren't they sooooo cute??) and today we went playing in the rain! Splish splash! I bundled up her up, took her ball and went to the park. We are very lucky here on Miramar...there are tons of really nice playgrounds, some of which are partially covered. Well...Tara had a wonderfully fun time...and we both got totally soaked. We came back inside all shivering wet and happy. Next came hot chocolate and snuggles.
Also this...we put in an offer for a home-now comes that yucky part of negotiation and...waiting. Keeping our fingers crossed.
I can't believe that Xmas is just  a few days away-we are leaving most of our Xmas shopping for Friday...I know, I know!!  Totally last minute down to the wire over here!! One of my Xmas wishes is to get everything done in time! Another wish? Is for all of us blog-friends to sit around a fire drinking eggnog...chatting, laughing...our hearts full of love and warmth...sharing stories and fruitcake!! Maybe next year? My heart just beams thinking about it! Happy holidays friends.
*Let me just say that driving on the Ca freeways in the rain...a week before Xmas-not a good idea!!                                

mostly blur! + a little downtime = this weekend!

(Saturday morning at coffee shop-catching up on some reading)

Another weekend that just flew by in a blur!! I can't believe it's just a few days before Xmas...and there is so much to do!! We were house hunting this weekend; managed to narrow down our picks to 2 homes. This should be an exciting time but it is so super stressful that we just can't wait to get through it. I managed to sneak in a whole couple of hours to myself on Saturday morning. I went to the coffee shop and caught up on some reading, writing and planning/dreaming. We also managed to spend some family time with some new friends and that was exciting and relaxing. We also picked up some Xmas decorations...but still no tree! Have to pick up cards and gifts this week so I really have to brave these Ca highways! It's been rainy and gloomy these past few days...but no complaints here when so much of the country is under a deep freeze!!.Not yet  had a chance to get a haircut...sigh! Maybe soon? I really hope you all had a great weekend...and Happy Holidays!!
Our realtor, BTW, is seriously great!! He is so on top of things and has gone the extra mile in every capacity. He has eased this difficult process for us; we totally lucked out-thanks David!

celebration + inspiration = gift!

                                        (happy wooden flowers...in a cute shop)

Today was Tim's birthday! There was a delicious steak dinner and parmesan pasta, singing and red velvet cupcakes...A few of his gifts were...a very heartfelt and precious love letter from Tara and I, a framed photo of Tara and daddy, a shirt...lots of hugs and kisses; cards and photos. Usually I home cook a surprise dinner for Tim...but this year we went to a restaurant.

Now for the inspiration! Yesterday I spoke to Patty on the phone for the first time; she lives just 30 mins. or so away from us!! Our conversation was full of warmth and laughter, serious sharing and inspiration. I felt as if I had known her for such a long time...We are going to meet up soon and I just can't wait!
Also, I have some really great reading material right now...to inspire my life and my art:
1. I have last month's O mag. that I never had a chance to read as well as the current one that I just picked up. I can't wait to delve into all the inspiration between these pages! There is an interview with Tyler Perry that is candid, revealing and oh!...so inspirational!!  Also...there's a scrumptious chocolate-orange shortbread recipe that I can't wait to try out.
2. Artful Blogging-yummy is all I can say! Serious inspiration here!
3. Better Homes and Gardens Do It Yourself mag...such great studio space ideas.
4. The Happiest Toddler on the Block by Dr. Karp. I read the Happiest Baby on the Block from cover to cover, followed every word and it worked like a charm! This book promises to do the same as we head into the toddler years. I'm keeping my fingers crossed!
* I hope you all have a great weekend; we are going to be house-hunting both Saturday and Sunday and hope to make an offer by Monday! I know...things are moving super fast, I can barely keep up! Also, I desperately need a mini makeover; I haven't had my hair cut in...forever!! And lets not even talk about the other stuff:)

REVERB#10-reflect on this year and manifest what's next

(photo taken this Summer in Va.)

Dr. Brene Brown has an amazing reflection and manifestation post on her blog; I always go there when I need a serious dose of ordinary courage! Head on over to read her thoughts or participate on your own blogs...Either way; this time of year is just perfect for this sort of reflective thinking! So here was the question that was posed by Gwen Bell:

Encapsulate the year 2010 in one word. Now...imagine that it is year from today; what would you like the word to be that captures 2011?
So, for me, the year 2010 can be captured in one word: challenging! In 2 words...very challenging!! With so much going on right from the start...Tim's shoulder surgery that was difficult and painful, , a huge learning curve with setting up my creative biz, my family being apart for so much of the year, packing out our home and moving (again!!)...all this while trying to keep up with Tara transitioning into her toddler years!! Oh yes...challenging!

                                                (August in Va...serious girl Tara and mommy)

But oh!! the magical gifts of this year were unexpected and seriously good...my marriage grew stronger through this time (Tim and I have always worked so well together but now we really had to depend on each other more than ever), I developed small bits and pieces of confidence as I did very difficult things that I never thought I could ever do(I set up my own website!! ), real connections and friendships started developing through my blog...I became more and more...mySELF!! And this blog (what I now feel is a very sacred space) has been the most amazing thing! It has challenged (there's that word again!!) me creatively and intellectually, exposed me to so many kind and creative souls and has freed me up in so many ways. The best gift of all this year has been watching my Tara grow...it just shatters my heart with sad sweetness to see all her small (and big) steps ...sweetness because I am so proud and such sadness because she is growing up so fast (she said "love you" for the very first time the other day!!...oh! what that did to me!) .Now...how about you? what one word would describe your year? Share it over here or on Brene's blog or in your journal or...
The word I hope to describe 2011? Blooming! I want to bloom in every way. I would like to fully claim all parts of mySELF; the hidden pieces, the broken pieces...the funny, vulnerable, honest, gifted, sad, articulate, creative, lovely, bold, ugly...pieces. I want to gather up all of these parts and quilt them together...I want to be in full bloom. What about you?

                                                               (Soul in Bloom, mixed media) 

steps...

As we take these steps toward our new life...I find mySELF feeling so exhilarated, hopeful, exhausted, overwhelmed and amazed...all at once!! All of last week was spent looking at homes online, trying to learn my way around Miramar, driving on the Ca interstate a few times (!!!), trying to keep Tara on her routine as much as possible...mostly being on autopilot. All of this weekend was spent on looking at so many homes...it's all kind of a blur now. The super great news is that we found a few definite possibilities that will absolutely work for us in most ways (homey feel, super child friendly, open floor plan, great outdoor space, my studio (!!!), good energy...). Unfortunately, there will be a 50 minute commute to San Diego proper but all things considered...we are super excited at the prospect of being settled at some point. And the weather here is so warm...it feels like summer to me. Usually, I love seasons and cold, snowy Xmas days, hot chocolate, snuggling and bundling up. But this morning, as Tara and I sat outside surrounded by banana trees and birds flitting a foot away from us...the golden sunshine pouring down...I think I can adjust:)

a creativity picnic!!

                                                   (Creative Soul...in Flight, mixed media)

A few days ago we had a creativity picnic! I took a blanket and spread it out on the grass. There were crayons and coloring books, Playdoh and puppets, stickers and stamps, markers...a glue stick, watercolors and finger paints...and collage!! We sang and read. There was dancing and all sorts of silliness.Tara was beside herself with magical amazement and joy. As she gets older, I really want to have a special creativity date each week...But I also want to incorporate creativity into her everyday life...music, art, scrapbooking, painting, writing...oh! So many things. Does anyone have any ideas...things you have read about or done with your own children? Please share as I would love to know so I can do them with Tara!

the silent hand of grace

                                                                (Guided, mixed media)

I can't wait to share this amazing turn of events with you!! Yesterday afternoon-just the day after our disappointment with the apartments not working out-we received word that our home in Va has been leased out for 3 years. It's not the ideal situation but considering that the housing market is so bad all over the country, we find ourselves in a situation that so many people are in. But what this means is that we can start looking for a home right here in Ca that we can purchase rather than rent! This bit of news came as such a gift to us...now we can move forward in a particular direction. Sometimes...the hand of grace is hidden, until we fully trust without seeing...without the burden of expectations. Until we have faith in the Universe, in our community of friends and kindred spirits (you all!!!), in ourSELVES.

                                                                                                (for you)

Another little piece of delightful news...one of the big reasons I did not want us to spend Xmas in a hotel is because I wanted us to have a home cooked meal. Oh!! maybe that sounds a little silly...but I really wanted that for my family. Now we have been invited by Tim's co-workers to not one, not two...but three dinners!!! I know that we have been touched by the silent hand of grace and I am humbled and utterly grateful. Especially at this time of year...when the air is full of magic and wonder. We are going shopping for a little Xmas tree soon ; I just can't wait! Oh...and I had my first experience driving on the Ca highway yesterday and it was hair raising!!! Not for the faint of heart, let me tell you!

P.S. We are only going to one of the Xmas dinners!!!!

disapointment + knowing + blessings

(She Holds the Key to Knowing, mixed media)

Oh!  This weekend just flew by in a haze of  doing so much. We had been looking for a temporary home and  thought we had found the perfect one (Italian style apartments)...but things did not work out. So...now we are back to square one just weeks before Xmas!!! We were so disappointed, stressed and...plain tired of it all. Trying to rush things when we know better. We have been feeling overwhelmed and stressed today with lots of short tempers and "I need my space" moments. There were tears , there was blame, there was anger... But now...late this evening, after  a hot cup of tea, a bear hug from Tim and watching Tara soundly asleep...I am counting my blessings. There are so many people without jobs and families, so many soldiers serving in far away places, so many people in dire situations with lonely, empty hearts...It really puts things in perspective for me. We are going to have the best Xmas ever with a charming tree and thoughtful gifts...lots of photos and eggnog...and most of all...love love love. Things will fall into place when they will...In the meantime, I am going to take a deep breath and be in the moment, heart wide open, trusting the journey.

                               (the days are so warm over here...green and lush too)

enjoying my Tara

(Tara-a few days old)

Who knew that such a tiny person could hold my whole heart in her hands? This journey of motherhood never ceases to amaze me, wrap me up in awe and open up my heart more and more each day. From the time she was born....Tara just snatched up my whole being; I couldn't believe that this beautiful little angel was my daughter! When I was pregnant, I had so many fears I obsessed over; they ranged from the irrational (what if I fell down the stairs while carrying her?) to the plausible (how would I know how to mother her)...I read countless books ...but all of these fears just melted away once I laid eyes on her. She was literally attached to me for the first 8 months...I carried her in my Moby  wrap and she slept with me. Either way...she was always with me. I had people tell me I was "spoiling" her and all sorts of other nonsense but my heart told me differently. How can you spoil a baby with love and touch and attention? Even now...I carry her as much as she wants...pretty soon, she is going to be all grown up; I just know it! Not to say that this journey is easy...I am constantly questioning my choices ...am I indulging her too much? do I have unrealistic expectations? am I setting boundaries? How do I raise a strong girl/woman?And just when I think I have a small part figured out...everything changes! But at the end of the day...I try to be kind, show her how much I adore her, cheer her on, teach her and have fun with her. I don't always succeed but I always try my best; very mindful of this little soul that has been entrusted to Tim and I. The best piece of advice I got was this..."just enjoy her!" This is my baby girl! I look forward to all our little steps and adventures together...Next...comes potty training! Yikes!!!

                                                       (happy girl Tara-a few days ago)