celebrating milestones and more

 “Parents rarely let go of their children, so children let go of them. They move on. They move away. The moments that used to define them - a mother's approval, a father's nod - are covered by moments of their own accomplishments. It is not until much later, as the skin sags and the heart weakens, that children understand; their stories, and all their accomplishments, sit atop the stories of their mothers and fathers, stones upon stones, beneath the waters of their lives.” 
                                                               -Mitch Albom, The Five People You Meet in Heaven
Tara turned 5 last week and I am still trying to wrap my head around it...where did the time go???It seems as if it was just yesterday when I first saw her little angel face and felt my whole heart break wide open with infinite love. And somehow...turning 5 seems so much different than all her other birthdays...this one seemed like a milestone. Every day she's opening herself up to the larger world...and more and more I see how she is truly growing up. It's bittersweet...so so bittersweet. Because a huge part of me yearns for the time of baby feet and baby smells but another part of me is so very proud of the little girl she's grow up to be. So amidst all the celebrating ...and truly, there is so much to celebrate...there was also a little bit of small mournings, tears and transitions. I guess so much of life is all about letting go, though...isn't it??

 Tara actually had an entire birthday weekend where she got to do all the fun stuff she loves...going to her fave. restaurant, hanging out with her friends, going to the movies...and of course... being a princess!

 In other news...I have fallen behind on my blog. I am trying to be a full time mom while still practicing self care (ie. sleep!!!) and still get into my studio!!!! Okay...there are only 24 hours in the day:) But I am not stressing out about any of it anymore...I just do the best I can knowing full well that the time will come soon enough when I will have all the time I need. So...for now...I accept that I can't do everything I would like!

 The past week has been frosty cold and while it all looks so beautiful with tons of photographic opportunities...I'm kinda' wishing we were in Jamaica right about now:) Okay...Spring...where are you?? Unfortunately...there's just no end in sight with heavy snowfalls and blizzards every other day. On the plus side, it makes for tons of time snuggling and reading, though:)

And these are a couple of sheets of (watercolor) paper I'm preparing...am going to continue adding layers and layers and layers...drips and splatters of inks, paints, markers, oil pastels, patterned papers...building up history and depth so I can paint my stories on them. I'm enjoying the process of discoveries...trying out new techniques + color combos and above all...letting go.

hello 45!!!

"Now I become myself. It's taken time...many years and places." -May Sarton
Yesterday I turned 45...and with time...I come closer and closer to my truest self. Just like I felt a seismic shift when I turned 40 + became a first time mother...I feel another one coming on!! I feel an opening, a growing...a (r)evolution within. In so many ways...I feel a true coming into myself...I want to shout out from the rooftops..."I am here!!". I want to gather up all of myself...hold my pieces + claim them. I think back to the long journey I have been on...the dark years of my childhood and the darker yet years of my adolescence. I reflect on years of drifting and drowning, the years of emotional sufferings and self loathing...the longer still years of angers + bitterness. I look at my journey...and I am so very proud of myself...that lonely, very unsure child that turned into an even lonelier young woman...that young girl who didn't know her own worth...but managed to fiercely cling on to hope anyway. And now...I feel  a lightening of my load...I feel a deep surrender (my word for this year)...a letting go...of all those false stories others had written for me and I had taken upon myself as my own. I feel a paradigm shift...letting go and flowering into mySELF. Not that there aren't steps backwards...not there aren't those awful days with a pull to the past...not that I won't falter + stumble and fall. But now I know...that no matter what...I will get up. And each year that I get further and further away from "what will they think??", shame and victimhood...I get closer and closer to authenticity, wholeheartedness and thriving. I want to claim each and every one of my years.  They have all led me to here...to this person I am today.  ...Hello 45...I can't wait to see what you have in store for me.

Yesterday morning...Tim made me the most delicious breakfast...I felt like a queen...truly. I enjoyed every morsel...smoothies and veggie juice can wait until tomorrow:)

And then I spent the afternoon with Renoir, Monet, Picasso, Van Gogh, Toulouse-Lautrec...oh!! my! What more can a girl ask for???

 "Enough is  a fearless place" - Unknown...I saw this quote yesterday and I felt as if it was a special message for me...for us all.
 This is my world right here and I am forever grateful. For the very first time in my life...I feel safe + unconditionally loved. I belong here. And truly...after all my years of being an outsider...this feels like home. It's a gift I treasure and don't take for granted. Hello 45!!! I have a feeling you are going to be magical. And I surrender to it all.

bits + pieces of life around here

 My heart is opening wider and wider, friends...so much so that, at times, I am simply bursting...either with sheer joy at the simplest of things or melting into tears...soaking in old and half forgotten memories. I think part of it is this time of year when we reflect on the past and stand at the cusp of the new year. I have been mulling over my word for the past year (dare!!) and thinking of my new word for 2014. And what I keep coming back to is the word surrender. Now 5 or 10 years ago I would have shuddered at using that word because I couldn't even stand the thought of losing control in that way...I mean...I hated the word in every sense! It symbolized loss, weakness and, honestly... was quite terrifying to me. But now...it radiates with possibility and calm. Timing is everything!! Now surrender holds within it's realm all that is right...it's being present to the here and now, it's calming and expansive at the same time. Now surrender means making peace with who I am , not who I may want to be or think I should be. It's standing firmly in the now while acknowledging my past and creating my future. And the funny thing about picking out a word for the year is that it takes on a life of it's own! What I have discovered + experienced is that the our word(s) teach us what we need to learn rather than what we have planned. So...at this time...I am leaning deeply + w(holy) into ...surrender.

 Speaking of surrender and heart expansion...this sweet little girl right here does a number on me! I can't believe how full of love + laughter + joy she is...the true light in our lives. But friends...parenting is no easy job!!!! Truth: the years are short but the days are long. Now that Tara has started school there are so many more issues that are popping up...how do I raise a daughter that is confident + assertive yet also kind and compassionate? How do I instill a sense of identity and pride in her while still honoring her deep need to fit in? How do I celebrate every aspect of her personality + encourage independent thinking  while staying patient when she tries to negotiate every single request??? No easy answers but I keep on trying + learning. One of the most important things I've learned is this: I'm going to make mistakes, fail horribly and oftentimes...have no idea what I'm doing!!! But...what our children require most from us (I feel) is that we never give up: I just wake up the next morning and try to do better:)

Oh!!! And the baking we have been doing over here!!! There is something intrinsically healing and elemental about baking...I find. Just the creating of it...the nourishing + sharing aspect. Love!!  This is homemade apple pie (with a made from scratch crust recipe to boot!!). The key to a good crust, I am finding out, is to use ice cold water and then...to freeze the butter for a half hour or more after it's cut up in chunks. And I only use real butter, people...absolutely no margarine! This was a cinnamon-eeeee delicious treat Tara and I baked last week.It tasted as good as it looks...wish I could have shared it with you:)

Been reading up a storm here...and am totally taken with Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie. I started this book right here...and I have been listening to her TED talks, both of which are phenomenal and resonate with me on  a deep level. In this talk she speaks of the "danger of a single story" ...it's an amazingly lucid talk about how important stories are, why we need to author our own stories and not allow others to define us. I realise that for most of my life (until I became a mother), I allowed myself to be defined by a singular story; that of victim-ology; it was the archetype I most strongly related to. No matter the situation, the relationship or the outcome..that was the story I  lived by. But when I turned 40 + gave birth all at once...there was a paradigm shift. All of  a sudden...there was a change from victim to victor. The transformation has not been easy or fast...but entirely necessary. A must hear talk friends!
And this talk right here  (also by Adichie) on why we should all be feminists. Made me tear up...words to live by + raise my daughter by.
Also...this was a fave. book of mine waaaaay back during my first years of university. I can't believe it's out of print now...I had the most difficult time purchasing a copy ...but now that I finally found one....I am in heaven! In these stories...I feel seen.

Through and through...daddy's girl:)

I haven't been getting in much painting time this year...the truth is, as I get older, it gets more impossibly difficult for me to go into my studio + stay up super late...I mean...I need my sleep:) But still finding time to  create in bits + pieces. This is on my easel right now.

Tara on the other hand, has been finding tons of time to paint! Even though she has her very own big girl creativity center in my studio...we paint at the kitchen table also. She loves experimenting, has her own way of doing things and sings while she works:) LOVE!!!! Also...muffin tins make the best paint trays with their deep and generous wells. I stock up on them at the dollar store.

The weather over here has been decidedly schizophrenic. These 2 pics were taken within days of each other...and we just never know what to expect...one day it's frigid and snowy and a few days later it feels like spring! So instead of complaining about never being able to plan anything out...I decided to go with the flow. Oh!!! It's snowing outside...lets bundle up + go for  a quick photowalk. Or...great...it feels like spring...lets go outside + play ball. So much easier + relaxing that way:)

 

This time of year is full of celebrations for my family. Tim's birthday was yesterday...mine is in a couple of weeks...and then Tara's shortly after!!! Lots of cake around here...which means smaller portions + more gym time:) Lots of gratitude and making more space for joy + simplicity in our lives. I'm trying to practice celebrating every single day with small acts of kindness. Especially toward myself.

And the winter landscapes here are rugged in their beauty...wide open spaces and smoky gray skies.
Reminds me of this poem right here...by Mary Oliver...
"When I am among the trees,
especially the willows and the honey locust,
equally the beech, the oaks and the pines,
they give off such hints of gladness.
I would almost say that they save me, and daily." Aaaaah! How this poem feeds me...how these trees sing to my soul and light me on fire...how the skies glow...and the earth rises up to me. Nothing short of bliss.

 And friends..this Xmas season has been all about light. I am practicing shining my light, reveling in the light and focusing on seeing the light in others.This intention has changed everything! At my most hurried and decidedly ungraceful moments...I take a deep breath, center myself...and focus on the light. Usually my silly irritations fall away and I can move through my day. Mostly...it's about making the choice to focus on gratitude.

appreciating the gift of simplicity

 

These days I'm all about being thankful for the everyday normal I take for granted. Do you know what I mean?? The hot cup of tea right when I need it, 15 mins. relaxing on the sofa, a fave magazine or hitting the snooze button when the alarm goes off. Maybe it's because I am going to be 45 in just a minute...but I realize more than ever how time just slips away from us. How the hours turn to days turn to years. Just like that. Without any fanfare or warning. So these days I am really embracing the moments...the messy ones, the ugly ones, the frustrating ones...sure. But also the beauty that lies in all of our moments. 

Every single day feels like a huge gift...even the days I am too tired to appreciate it. That feels like a gift too...knowing that there is a fullness to my days. As Thanksgiving approaches...I realize I have much to be thankful for. And my heart is full, friends...with wonder and simplicity and joy.

xxx

storytelling from the soul, a dream come true and the story behind it

I am so giddy with excitement to share with you that my art is on the cover of the current Art Journaling magazine!!! Can I say that this is an absolute dream come true? That my heart is overflowing with gratitude? That I started crying when I actually saw the cover? (is that silly??) That Tim and Tara are so so proud of me that it makes me crazy happy?
And can I share the back story of how this all happened?
Last summer I was going through a creative rut...stuck and stuck and then stuck some more. So I decided to take a short break from painting and immersed myself in reading and writing. One of the books I re-read was an all time fave.of mine called "Sister Outsider" by Audre Lorde. I hadn't read it since my 1st year in university (a gazillion years ago BTW!!) and everything she said resonated with me just as much as it had all that time ago ( maybe more so!). Her work gave me strength and clarity that I could then apply to my own work; what a gift!  I read, I cried, I wrote, I read some more...I cried some more. I had little stickies pasted everywhere...because if you've ever read Audre you know that everything she says is a quote!!

                                                       (a page from my Outsider Journals)
Truth: All my life I have been an outsider...to my "family" of origin, my culture and society. I just didn't fit in anywhere. It has been  a deeply painful experience...isolating and full of shame. All the trying to fit in but it never happening. All the "what if's" and ostracism. But there have been innumerable gifts that have come with it. So while re-reading Sister Outsider, I had an aha! moment. What if I not only embrace my outsider-ness but celebrate it as well???
This quote right here:
"Those of us who stand outside the circle of this society’s definition of acceptable women; those of us who have been forged in the crucibles of difference ... know that survival is not an academic skill. It is learning how to stand alone, unpopular and sometimes reviled, and how to make common cause with those others identified as outside the structures in order to define and seek a world in which we can all flourish. It is learning how to take our differences and make them strengths."
                              -The Master's Tools will Never Dismantle the Master's House, by Audre Lorde from Sister Outsider
...inspired my entire journal called the Outsider Journals.  

I went back to my art excited and inspired! I felt that each page in my journal gathered up entire pieces of my life, struggles and journey and i poured out my heart and soul. Creating the journal was cathartic and life changing and because it was private, I felt so free to allow all of mySELF and the deepest parts of my soul to shine through ! After I completed the journal I thought I could someday pass it along to Tara; it would be a road map of sorts that might inspire her to forge her own path.

Then one day we were at the bookstore and I picked up a copy of  Art Journaling mag and started reading it; my heart started racing, let me just tell you! What if I sent in my (very personal, very private) Outsider Journals ???). Eeek! Do I dare? I went back and forth, back and forth and all of my deepest darkest fears came up to the surface. What if they laughed at me? what if  I'm not really an artist? not a real one, anyway? what if I made a complete fool of myself? On and on...and on and on. 

                                                       (self portrait -Jan, 2013,  44 years young)
And then I took a big huge breath ...and knew in my heart that I deeply believe in my art and my work and I allowed that to guide me. All the things I write about on my blog that I deeply deeply believe with all of my heart + soul...( cultivating courage, I am enough, being vulnerable, being seen etc)...well, I had to put them into practice now (so so difficult) and get out of my own way!  I also know that not fitting in is an archetypal experience that most of us experience at some time or another. And the paradox of it is that we all feel so isolated in our shame that we either negate it or  never stop trying to fit in. I felt that maybe there would be other souls who could see themSELVES in my experience and so...I sent off my journal and let go...of all expectations and fears.

And that's how I came to have  6 full pages in the magazine ("Storytelling from the Soul" pg. 54) and my art on the cover as well!! Thank you so much Somerset Studio, Amber Demien and all the staff at Stampington & Company...for giving me this amazing opportunity. Thank you a hundred times over! You all have made one 44 year old woman feel like a teenager with a crush...soul full of stars + stomach full of  butterflies... leaping!  My heart is full.

love, inspiration + gratitude = grace

"Something opens our wings. Something makes boredom and hurt disappear. Someone fills the cup in front of us: We taste only sacredness."- (Rumi)

-I am stepping into 44 with all of my heart + soul! Looking back on my life, I am fully grateful to be here. My birthday was so sweet with Tim thoroughly pampering me and Tara making me 4 birthday cards and a play-doh cake:) Seriously, though, it's all about being healthy, present and doing my work. Gifts, all.

-I found  this book at the library by Anne Lamott and devoured it in 2 days!! It's  a collection of short stories that are, all at once, hilarious, profound, zen in their simplicity and, well...brilliant!!! She manages to talk about difficult issues which had me tearing up with sadness and joy!!!totally love!

-Becoming Van Gogh...this exhibition made me want to weep...in joy and sorrow and the sheer beauty of it all. Van Gogh is probably my favorite artist of all time...I mean, the man + his soul. I have always had a  soft spot for him...all of his tragedies and gifts. And to be in a room full of Van Gogh's????Inspiring  and breathtaking...and very emotional (for me). This exhibition encapsulates his entire journey and included tons of his earlier works (sketching and drawings too). I loved every bit of it...from his  sombre works to his larger than life colorful portraits. Serious gratitude, inspiration + love!!! 

-I have been meaning to write about this place forever...it's the Dushanbe Teahouse in Boulder. Tim discovered it a few months ago and it's our very fave. place. they have an extensive tea menu, very eclectic food and the best part??? The entire tea house was transported (piece by piece) from...Tajikistan!!!! Seriously! So there are hand painted ceilings, intricately carved wooden columns...and  get this...you can sit on a bed to eat your meal!!! Handmade textiles adorn the walls and ...it's so cosy + comfortable and beautiful. LOVE!!

-I recently discovered this line of children puzzles and crafts and they are fantastic!!! So artistic, well made and lush with colors. Their line includes ages 4 all the way to 12-14 years old!! Tara adores them!

-bought some mint + lemon hand soap that i use after I paint...and loving how my paints wash off so easily (I think it's the lemon!). And the combination of lemony-minty goodness = heaven:)

-driving on snowy roads through Xmas lights. Tara just loves all the trees lit up...with stars and angels. And the best part for me...taking in the magical beauty of her happiness.

things around here...

We are getting ready for everything Halloween...how about you?? I grew up in South Africa so I never celebrated it growing up. In fact, I had never even heard about it until we moved to Canada; I was about 12 at  the time!!! So now...with Tara...it's a pretty big deal! The only thing I hate about Halloween??? All the candy!! Seriously...why is everyone passing candy out like it's water??? And to toddlers? Ugh!! With childhood diabetes and obesity at an all time high, I can't possibly see why adults push candy on kids. I have very strong feelings about this...I had a grandmother who was diabetic and I saw, firsthand, the ravaging effects of diabetes. Let me tell you...it's not pretty. Tell me what you think about this...okay?

I am managing to squeeze in some painting hours...after Tara goes to bed at 8:30...I relax for half hour or so and then get into my studio. I am currently listening to the Dangerous Old Woman series on audio tape and, I swear, that's my secret to having the energy to paint after a long day keeping up with Tara. Its' just so interesting and ...inspiring...the hours zip right by!

Tara is enrolled in 3 different classes right now...and she loves them all! They are Mommy and Me classes...so I get to see her learn and grow and interact with other kids. This is her latest art creation-a paper bag pumpkin! Our home is overflowing with all her art work...it's absolutely everywhere! Love!!

Tim and Tara are really developing such a close relationship...it warms my heart to see it unfold. I breastfed her until she was over a year old, so it was only after that time that they really started bonding. Nothing makes me happier than seeing the two of them together...walking on the beach, hanging out, watching the Lion King...on and on. These moments are so precious to us..fleeting and magical...this is the stuff of life!

And this is my little Tara-poo...growing up so fast I can hardly believe it! Amidst all the toddler hoopla, time-outs and tantrums..all the frustrations and looooong days and tiredness...I don't take any of this for granted. All too soon...they are going to be over. I was recently reading an article on Steve Jobs...and towards the end of his life...the only thing he worried about...was his family; his wife and kids. He reportedly said that he "just wanted to see them graduate from high school". That really resonated with me...brought tears to my eyes. as older parents...Tim and I are very aware of the fleeting quality of life...and my greatest hope is to see Tara to adulthood...to be there for her as much as possible.
*Well, dear friends...that's some of what's  going on around here. How about you? I hope that-on the other end of the computer screen-life finds you well...and full of heart.

a few simple things...

I am really making a conscious effort to slooooow down these days. To be present to all of the joy and beauty that surrounds me, the love that radiates from my heart and the creative impulses I am immersed in. Here are a few simple things I am ever so grateful for...
* writing my morning pages. When I miss a day, I can totally feel it!
* reading poetry aloud.
* my husband...his big and deep love  for me. I certainly would not be able to do all I do with out his complete support.
*taking a deep breath when I get agitated
*our morning walks...it really allows me to focus on the moment
* practicing gratitude
*National Breast Cancer Awareness month! Twenty five years ago, there were few resources for women with breast cancer...it wasn't even talked about openly. But now we have a whole month to raise awareness and money for this killer disease that I sincerely hope we can eradicate.
* photography
*Jane's plum jam (you just have to taste it!!)
*books
* watching Tara twirl around in her Halloween princess costume. She looks so beautiful and grown up it brought me to tears.
*all the creative energy and inspiration that has been bubbling out of me these many weeks.
*this very blogging community right here; your heart and warmth is felt deeply and sincerely and I am ever so grateful for you all.
* Dr. Estes! I am currently listening to her Dangerous Old Woman audio series and...I love her...pure and simple. I am grateful for her heart and her work and her deep wild soul that she so openly shares with us.
How about you? Are there a few simple things that make your heart sing? Your spirit soar?
**P.S. If you are over 40, please go and get your mammogram; I just had mine done on Sunday. If you are under 40 and suspect something, don't feel quite right or have a strong history of the disease in your family...then please, trust your intuition and go get checked out. NOW!!

Dear San Fran: thank you for...

Dear San Francisco: thank you for...

*giving us magical family moments; hearts opening wider and wider 

* laughter and tears (there were some stressful situations and unimaginable kindness)

                                                           (mural on side of building)
*overflowing with art! Gorgeous murals painted on the sides of buildings, ceilings and floors. Huge art museums, galleries, artists.
*your old-ness and your new-nesss...coexisting side by side perfectly. You have made me appreciate and celebrate all of my old and new pieces and give them each  their rightful  place.

(view of Fisherman's Wharf from restaurant)

*one fantastic seafood dinner...prawns, crab cakes and the best spaghetti Tara ever tasted!

*perfectly gorgeous weather
* filling my heart with gratitude

                                                       (Chinese Lanterns...Chinatown)
*diversity and culture, music and delicious cuisine on every street
* the best gelato ever!
* old and twisty buildings with wrought iron gates and handcarved doors
* stunning natural beauty
*keeping us safe

*giving Tim  some delicious bonding time with Tara

*all the magical memories and experiences
*your bakeries...OMG!!

We will defintely be back!

a few simple gifts...

                               (the gorgeous tree in our backyard-blooming up a storm)
"I thank you God for most this amazing day: for the leaping greenly spirits of trees and a blue true dream of sky; and for everything which is natural, which is infinite, which is yes"
                                                                                e.e. cummings
Sometimes in life..things don't turn out the way we would like. There are disappointments, remorse, a heavy heart for things lost and broken...but in the midst of it all...life is grand. No really! There is a grandeur to our moments here. These past few days have been very emotionally difficult for me...there have been tears, heartache, frustration...but...Sometimes we really need to focus on what we have...rather than what we would like to have. It is in the appreciation of the now that life unfolds HER mystery to us. Here are a few simple gifts that I am ever so grateful for...

(this afternoon)

* big fat roses that are blooming everywhere around here
*bare feet in grass
*a hot cup of tea
*a blanket of stars
* little footsteps pitter-pattering
* SPRING...SHE'S HERE!!

(old Classico spaghetti sauce jars are perfect for brushes)

*beautiful messy paintbrushes
*authenticity
*books
*my Tim, my Tara...my family
*morning walks
*all of you...dear blog readers...those who comment and ...those who don't:)
*writing in my journal
*picnics
What are some of the things you are grateful for? Big or small...