Yesterday I turned 45...and with time...I come closer and closer to my truest self. Just like I felt a seismic shift when I turned 40 + became a first time mother...I feel another one coming on!! I feel an opening, a growing...a (r)evolution within. In so many ways...I feel a true coming into myself...I want to shout out from the rooftops..."I am here!!". I want to gather up all of myself...hold my pieces + claim them. I think back to the long journey I have been on...the dark years of my childhood and the darker yet years of my adolescence. I reflect on years of drifting and drowning, the years of emotional sufferings and self loathing...the longer still years of angers + bitterness. I look at my journey...and I am so very proud of myself...that lonely, very unsure child that turned into an even lonelier young woman...that young girl who didn't know her own worth...but managed to fiercely cling on to hope anyway. And now...I feel a lightening of my load...I feel a deep surrender (my word for this year)...a letting go...of all those false stories others had written for me and I had taken upon myself as my own. I feel a paradigm shift...letting go and flowering into mySELF. Not that there aren't steps backwards...not there aren't those awful days with a pull to the past...not that I won't falter + stumble and fall. But now I know...that no matter what...I will get up. And each year that I get further and further away from "what will they think??", shame and victimhood...I get closer and closer to authenticity, wholeheartedness and thriving. I want to claim each and every one of my years. They have all led me to here...to this person I am today. ...Hello 45...I can't wait to see what you have in store for me.
This is my world right here and I am forever grateful. For the very first time in my life...I feel safe + unconditionally loved. I belong here. And truly...after all my years of being an outsider...this feels like home. It's a gift I treasure and don't take for granted. Hello 45!!! I have a feeling you are going to be magical. And I surrender to it all.