2010 year review

"When we speak we are afraid our words will not be heard or welcomed. But when we are silent, we are still afraid. So it is better to speak."- Audre Lorde
This year will forever be remembered as the start of me finding my voice...both personally and creatively.
* First off, I started my blog around this time last year. It was extremely difficult to take the plunge (I had been thinking about it for a couple of years!!). I was plagued by insecurity, "what do I have to say?", "how will I find the time" ...on and on. But one of the deepest revelations is that this blogging journey-like life itSELF-requires heart. (a whole post on blogging soon!!) .One of the most unexpected and sweet gifts of this year has been the blogging community. Your friendships, inspiration and support have bouyed me and nourished me. Thank you!!
* In March Tim had shoulder surgery; which was very painful with a long recovery. It was really difficult on him and on our family but with great medical support-we got through.

"The point of art is not simply to express ourselves, but to create an external, concrete form in which the soul of our lives can be evoked and contained."- Dr. Clarissa Pinkola Estes

* I plunged into painting, carving huge chunks of time after Tara went to sleep. Sure it was super difficult and I was sleep deprived for much of the year!!...but I made a commitment in my heart. I started a collection of works called "Invoking the Goddess"...my art took on a different direction that was surprising and pleasing. All of my truth, heart, love, pain, vulnerability started spilling out onto the canvas. I gathered all of my pieces ...my broken-ness and my whole-ness...and started laying them down on canvas. My work became more personal and...real. I wanted to create meaningful soul-work; this year was a huge step in this direction.

* We went on a 7 day Mothers Day cruise that was Oh! so good!! We stopped off at Grand Cayman, Belize, Honduras and Mexico...I could use a little bit of Bob Marley and Jamaican rum in the sunshine right now, let me tell you!!

* I took Flying Lessons with Kelly Rae Roberts and it was super amazing!! It was the exact combination of sass, kick-in-the-pants, inspiration, practical info. and heart that I needed. I learned so much... possibilities opened up.

* As Tara moved from baby to toddler...motherhood continued to surprise, challenge and nourish me. And oh! there was so much sweet sadness and delight and new amazement. Just watching her grow ...filled my heart with wonder and appreciation . I savored every moment of it! There were tea parties and picnics under the moon, long summer days and so many firsts. There were challenges and frustration too and lots of mommy guilt; am I doing things right? should I put off my creative life until she gets older?, on and on. I relied on so many books and people I trust...then I went with my heart and gut. I realised that everyone has an opinion but only I can make these decisions about the kind of mother I would be. She turns 2 next month and I just have no idea how the time flew by...So...this is how it happens? How I am going to just blink my eyes and ...she's all grown up ...going to high school! Being a mother has been the most amazing, heart-full experience for me...She is a joy-complete. Through it all my love multiplied; fierce and tender...side by side.
On the down side-I never knew I could worry so much!...about everything related to her (even though I try not to!)...everything from her getting hurt to child abductions to...But I realize that I have to be there for her completely...until I am not here anymore (and that worries me too!!).

* I set up my website (by myself !!) and opened up my Etsy store. It was something I have wanted to do for such a long time; I finally committed the time and, more importantly, cultivated the courage to do it. Small , tiny steps amounted to huge leaps and bounds. There was a very steep learning curve (tech and biz wise). With each tiny accomplishment, my confidence and courage grew.

*P.S. My Etsy store is currently closed until Feb.2011

"The real miracle of individuation and reclamation of the Wild Woman is that we all begin the process before we are ready, before we are strong enough, before we know enough; we begin a dialogue with thoughts and feelings that both tickle and thunder within us. We respond before we know how to speak the language, before we know all the answers, and before we know exactly to whom we are speaking" - Dr. Clarissa Pinkola Estes
This quote conveys exactly how I felt this year. Even though deep in my heart I knew this was a beginning; a journey of realization...I felt as if I were groping in the dark; there were words in my heart that were silent...unspoken. There were stories...untold and a deep, innate knowledge that I had to let so much of my past go.
* This year was marked by huge personal growth. So much that I feel as if I am a completely different person! My priorities became much more focused, I made huge personal decisions as to what kind of life I wanted to live going forward.
Setting boundaries became easier, standing up for mySELf and my family, scheduling my time...all came into focus. Something in me shifted where I decided that I wanted to step into all of who I am; my potentiality. And this was big, huge, ginormous! I made the very difficult decision to close doors that I knew were unhealthy for me, that kept my higher SELF from being present. Managing marriage, mothering Tara, painting, art biz, blogging, classes, packing and moving across the country...left me on a vicious cycle of work, work, work...burnout!! Balance got thrown out the window this year!!...

 

*My love of photography and writing developed...ignited by:

Tara-I wanted to capture all her moments from the magical to the mundane. I filled up photo albums and scrapbooks, started archiving and recording her life.
Blogging-now I had to sit down every few days and put together a post! At first it was daunting and nerve wracking let me tell you! But then I realised how blogging fertilized my creativity in endless ways; I wanted to capture a moment...feelings, a thought. I yearned to capture in image ...the sun hitting a bowl of lemons just so...or my Tara caught in a moment of glee. I wanted to string together words that held my deepest thoughts ...my SELF. I wanted to connect with people in a deep and meaningful and that required that I shed my layers of doubt and insecurity.

" Love is or it ain't. Thin love ain't no love at all."-Toni Morrison, from Beloved

* We decided to move across the country (again!!) and it was a super difficult time. Tim and I spent much of the year apart and there were tears and anger, blame and unhappiness...And oh yes! There were fights (uh! I mean ...heated arguments!!) This move was the most difficult for me and it really put a strain on our marriage. But at the end, we emerged stronger...as individuals and as a couple. I realised the multi-layered nature of family, marriage and commitment are held together in delicate balance by love, compassion, understanding and friendship. Once again, things shifted and priorities came into sharp focus .

Well, 2010...you have been a difficult teacher but your gifts have been many. There have been tears and heart wrenching frustration, sadness, change and letting go. There has been crushing disappointments, shame and guilt. Yet through it all there has been joy and so much love, new friendships, creativity and passions rekindled. And I am so so grateful ...for every morsel of it!
Now I hold you close and fold you up-year 2010-and tuck you away into my heart's memory...with all my other years. None of us know what 2011 holds...what tears and joys lie ahead. But I keep my heart open as I step into this new year...I am full of hope and anticipation but also know that I may have to weather some storms. So goodbye year 2010...as we all step into this new year ...hearts full of promise.
                                                                        Happy New Year!!