on things left undone...

Sometimes...there are things left undone...do you know what I mean? There are goodbyes that aren't said, there are things in a muddle...there is uncertainty, regret, trepidation. Sometimes there is no closure...only jagged edges and emotions raw and fragile. Sometimes there is woulda', coulda', shoulda' and...remorse and bitterness for words left unsaid and feelings hidden. Sometimes there are no clean and tidy edges, no black and white, no straight lines. Sometimes...there is messiness, doubt and fogginess. Conversations unfinished...words hanging in the air.
When I was younger I thought that I had to always have a finite end, write long letters pouring out all my feelings or just avoid things altogether. Now I understand that life is full of things that are left...undone. And...it's okay! YES! It is! It is part and parcel of letting go, freeing up the SELF and trusting in our decisions. It comes with time and grace and honesty. So now when I leave things undone...I feel free and light and happy. Like a bird in flight...being in this moment. It's the letting go...

                                           (Letting Go Takes Courage, mixed media)

It's the unburdening of all the expectations and false hopes...the surrendering of dreams that will just never be...Giving up how we want things to be...to make room for what is. Sometimes...things are left undone to open ourSELVES up to air and light and breath.

                                               (catching a sunbeam...yesterday morning)

new-ness and discoveries

                                                      (the tree right outside our window)
We have been in San Diego for about 5 days now and...some things I have noticed...
* We spent all of yesterday looking at rental properties and real estate is sky high here! I mean...through the roof!
* There are lush flowers in full bloom and palm trees everywhere! also...banana trees (love love love)
* This is an outdoor city (probably the whole state is). Everywhere...people are walking, running, surfing, biking.
* stunning natural beauty
* the air is so fresh here...crisp, clean, salty
* the early mornings and evenings are hat and sweater weather but during the day...I can wear a tee!!
* there are tons of great restaurants...with world cuisine (Indian, Italian, Greek, Thai, Vietnamese...). And lots of tea shops here too. Yummy!
And a few things I am discovering  about living in a hotel...
* no housework!! Great! I can definitely adjust to this!!
* we have none of our stuff...it's driving me nuts!! It's spartan living over here.
* the internet is sketchy ...it comes and goes.  The  other day I spent over an hour writing out a blog post...only to have it completely dissapear into space! I know that can happen anywhere...but it is a frequent occurence here.
*no home cooked meals...I enjoy eating out...but not for every meal. Thank goodness for Trader Joes (just 5 mins. away)
* nothing is childproofed here...so I have to be extra, extra careful + I try to get Tara outdoors as much as possible
* it's difficult not having our space...we are all in very close quarters!

(sweet Tara having fun in the park)

This part of our journey is stressfull...but in a very different way than the past 6 months have been. Overall it is full of new-ness and discoveries and possibility.

beginnings and blessings

(Tara on Mission Beach-yesterday morning)

We are trying to adjust to these new beginnings over here. It had been raining and gloomy the first 2 days since we arrived...but yesterday the sun came pouring down like gold! We are staying on Mirimar Marine Base for a couple of weeks until we can find a place...it's very unsettling because most of our stuff is packed away but also very freeing as there is not a whole lot to do...so I can enjoy my family. Yesterday morning we went for a beautiful walk on Mission Beach-just 10 mins. from where we are! Okay! I can get used to this!!

( a beautiful home footsteps away from the beach!)

And we had a great Thanksgiving dinner...I have a pic I hope to post later on today. My heart is full from all these beginnings and blessings...I hope you all had a great time with family and friends too.

Later: Here is a pic of our Thanksgiving dinner. We had an amazing feast right here on Mirimar...As you can see...Tara was busy busy busy with the food!

(Tara at Thanksgiving dinner)

a safe flight

We had a safe (if tiring) flight out here...and it feels a bit disorienting with the 3 hour time difference. Tara did really well but it was difficult for her, poor tyke. It feels a bit surreal that this will be our new home..Tim actually proposed to me (about 5 years ago) right here in Balboa Park! It's going to take a few days for us to adjust to the time difference...especially little Tara-poo; she normally wakes up at 7 a.m but that's 4 a.m. here!!!!
*sorry no pics for this post! Hopefully will have some soon.

Feeling the support of community

                                                              (flowers for you!)
I have really appreciated the support of this blogging community over these  past many months...you all have offered kind words, advice that was gentle and full of deep wisdom, a listening ear and plenty of great recommendations! You all have made this time so much more bearable, workable and...livable! You have opened up your hearts and your lives with courage, truth and vulnerability and, by doing so, have lessened my burdens and loneliness. You have offered up your time and concern and been a witness to my daily joys and struggles.  Best of all...I have started to cultivate some really authentic connections and friendships that I hope will deepen and blossom with time. So...from the bottom of my heart...Thank you, thank you, thank you!!. My heart overflows with sincere gratitude.

Happy Day!!

It is such a happy day for us..Tim graduates from the academy today! It has been a long and difficult time...with us being apart and all the strains that come with that. There have been tears and frayed tempers, fights and lots and lots of talks....this time apart has been very difficult on all of us. It has been a grueling time...I am so proud of Tim; it has been very difficuly with him taking this very intense course and then riding his motorcycle down here (3 hours each way!!) every weekend to see us, help me with Tara and pack   out our home but it's over ...we are so happy!! Tara and I are driving up to D.C. tomorrow for the graduation ceremony.

Wishing you all a great weekend!

our morning walks...

(Fall leaves)

Our morning walks are so special for me and Tara. They started when I was pregnant; I would walk for about an hour each day and talk to her. Then after she was born, I carried her in a Moby wrap and... walking we would go. After that came the stroller and now...she walks the trails! I love seeing her curiosity and wonder...it is magic. Virginia really is beautiful...especially this time of year; the trees are all ablaze, birds are still flying around and the morning air is crisp but not too much so.

                                         (the morning sun drizzling through the trees)

                                                (big girl Tara walking her own path)

Trusting the Journey

We are on the cusp of upheaval over here! It was such a rough weekend-especially for Tim. We worked so hard...packing and boxing and on and on! Getting very little sleep and just putting one foot in front of the other. Moving sucks-but this part...especially sucks! All the hard work, energy and time to break everything down to...nothing! Almost everything is all packed away...the house is almost empty except for a few essentials. All these changes have been a bit difficult for Tara but I have tried to keep her routine almost unchanged and I think that really helps her with adjusting. We are about to embark on a new part of our journey and it feels strangely exhilarating, tiring, sad and exciting all at once! Right now...mostly tiring! We are going to be staying in a hotel until our flight out to Ca next week and, even though I will have limited computer access, I will try to post regularly over here. I feel in my heart that this new road is going to lead to all sorts of wonderful blessings...friendships and adventures, opportunities for my art, new places to visit and explore and the most fantastic part of all...our little family will  be together again! I trust the journey...

(mixed media-Trusting the Journey)

A wonderfully messy afternoon!

In the midst of all our packing, I decided to take the afternoon off . So today I bought Tara her very first set of paints...she absolutely loved them! What's not to love? Water + color +juicy paints = a wonderful mess! She painted her very first watercolor and I just loved the whole process of watching her explore, create and play. I simply allowed her to do whatever she wanted (short of putting paint in her mouth!!) and she was fascinated and delighted.Her eyes were full of wonder at seeing the puddles of water mixing with the paints.

I really hope to foster her creativity in every possible way. I hope to teach her to paint outside the lines, to think outside the box...to create her very own box (or triangle or circle! )...and most importantly...to listen to herSELF.To follow her heart...to be true.

Tara's very first painting! This one is going to get framed for sure!
*****************************************************
On a more serious note...today is Veterans Day and it is always a very difficult day for Tim. He has served his country as a combat veteran  for 23+ years and..there are so many memories and experiences that are so foreign to me; that I can't even fathom. It is a very sombre time for him...thinking of all the men he has lost...friends, comrades,brothers. I am so very proud of him.

                               (Arlington National Cemetery, Iwo Jima Memorial)

last few days in my studio...

These are my last few days in the studio...everything is getting packed away on Saturday. I am working on backgrounds and a few paintings...I find that when I am not stressed out about trying to produce the "perfect painting/image" , I can relax and experiment ...discover . When one of my paintings speak to me...I can listen. I mean really listen...a little more blue here, a little less texture there...and it becomes a very meditative process. I have no idea how this painting will eventually turn out...but she will make her way out into the world when she is ready...that I know.

goodbye Virginia!

                                                  (mixed media on Arches Watercolor-2009)
We are going to be leaving Va in the next couple of weeks...probably never to return. 
5 things I love about Va
1. Tara had so many of her firsts over here. I know there will be more but these are so special to me.
2. We are close to mountains and the ocean-very well located.
3. Temperate year round weather.
4. It is lush over here...green trees everywhere, huge magnolias and luscious flowers.
5. This was home.
5 things I hate about living here
1. The taxes here are super high...property taxes as well as state taxes.I mean...through the roof!
2. The summers are long and scorching !!
3. There are no sidewalks here (strange but true!!) We live close to a walking trail so we are lucky.
4. It's way too politically conservative for me.
5. The infrastructure really needs to be updated...the roads and bridges are from a hundred years ago (well, it seems like that!)
so...goodbye Virginia...you will have a special place in my heart.

awakening the Goddess...

                                                                 (Music II, 2007-SOLD)

"And no one will listen to us until we listen to ourselves. The Goddess awakens in our hearts before she awakens in the world."
                                                                              - Marianne Williamson
Why is it so difficult to find our voice (not to mention the time!) and express it truthfully? Finding my  voice has been a difficult path for me; one I am still struggling with. Do you know what I mean?  As women, we are taught to be "nice", not to be too loud, disagree, or voice our opinions. I find that as I get older though...and definitely after the birth of my daughter...I have changed in this regard. These are some things I am learning...
* how to  give my voice shape and space
* that vulnerability is a a strength
* owning my empowerment piece by piece involves little choices I make every single day.
* these little choices add up to big changes
* listening to mySELF involves trust, grace, humility and courage
I finally feel that I can claim my space without negation or apology. This is who I am world! ...wife, mother, artist, blogger, reader, lover, spirit, heart, creative soul, funny girl, nature lover and so much more ...The Goddess inside me is awakening... There is pain and uncertainty along the path but also...light and growth, air and breath; it feels right and good and whole.  

"the poetry of things"...

"The painting is like a thread that runs through all the reasons for the other things that make one's life"-  Georgia O'Keefe, 1962

I have been slowly packing away bits and pieces of my studio, starting with my art books. I came across this particular favorite of mine called The Poetry of Things about artist Georgia O'Keefe. I love her paintings but it is her writings that really draw me in so close to her. And what I love the most-I think-is her bare bones way of life. I love how she stripped everything away to just the necessities; and of course this way of life carried through into her paintings...and you can see it and feel it so clearly. Tim and I have visited New Mexico a couple of times and I simply loved it!! The vast desert surrounded by mountains, the adobe houses and architectural details all just called to me in a deep and elemental way. And of course the cuisine is delicious!

I was fortunate enough to visit the O'Keefe Museum in Santa Fe...I spend a couple of hours there immersing myself in her vision of color and form. Here are a few of my personal photos of New Mexico that I really think capture the essence of this place.

(a church...detail)

                                                       (Santa Fe-adobe architecture...detail)

                                                        (red chillies drying in the sun)

                                                                (form and color)
* It's so sad to be packing away my studio! I haven't got to my paints yet but packing away my books feels like saying goodbye to old  friends...