around here lately

There is a thick blanket of snow outside and temperatures have plummeted. Tim and Tara have been down with a flu bug ...lots of sleep and fluids for them and lots of reading time for me. Tara's birthday is tomorrow (I simply can't believe she's going to be 4!!)...going down memory lane looking through her photo albums and scrapbooks. I have also been filling up my Etsy shop...so if you get chance, please stop by and tell me what you think. I have been making a few changes and, like everything, it's a work in progress! Also...I have managed to get in a little painting time in my studio...playing and experimenting. That's what life is like around here lately. 

heroes of our own lives

For most of my life I have lived in the past and the future...rarely in the present. Heartbroken about my childhood and worried and fearful of my future. Slipping through the cracks and waiting for someone else...something else...to save me. Never once thinking that I could be my own hero! Are you like that? So many of us are. Living anywhere but the now and putting our hopes on someone else. 
  These days...I really try to be mindful of each step...this is life right here! Believing in ourSELVES, trusting in our possibility and potential takes work. I set an intention...at the start of each day, before I paint or write. I don't always succeed...but I try. It's a practice. I am here. now.

Poetry

By

Mary Oliver

"The Journey

One day you finally knew

what you had to do, and began,

though the voices around you

kept shouting

their bad advice--

though the whole house

began to tremble

and you felt the old tug

at your ankles.

"Mend my life!"

each voice cried.

But you didn't stop.

You knew what you had to do,

though the wind pried

with its stiff fingers

at the very foundations,

though their melancholy

was terrible.

It was already late

enough, and a wild night,

and the road full of fallen

branches and stones.

But little by little,

as you left their voices behind,

the stars began to burn

through the sheets of clouds,

and there was a new voice

which you slowly

recognized as your own,

that kept you company

as you strode deeper and deeper

into the world,

determined to do

the only thing you could do--

determined to save 

the only life you could save."

                                     -Mary Oliver 

 Tara's 4th birthday is coming up in a few days and it has made me very emotional and nostalgic. Full of the smells and memories of pregnancy, birth and a love so wide it swallowed me up whole. My sweet girl...she conquered me.

 

"There's courage involved if you want

to become truth. 

There is a broken- open place in a lover. 

Where are those qualities of bravery and
sharp compassion in this group? What's the
use of old and frozen thought? 

I want a howling hurt. This is not a treasury
where gold is stored; this is for copper.

We alchemists look for talent that
can heat up and change. 

Lukewarm won't do. Halfhearted holding back,
well-enough getting by? Not here."

                                                     - Rumi

 

And so it is that we all are the heroes of our own lives. We have to be. And every step leads us to here...this place of NOW.

a necessary darkness and a trembling

I just completed Night and ...there is so much I want to say but  I simply can't. Words don't seem enough. I have descended into a necessary darkness and a trembling; every single page shattered my heart for all time. The book is long and short all at the same time; it seems as if the pages stretched out from the beginning of time to infinity. What madness...and how can we possibly make sense out of any of it?? Dr. Wiesel not only writes about his experiences in chilling detail at the Buna concentration camp but also questions his faith ("Where was God at Auschwitz?"), questions...everything (how can he not??). He was only a child of 15. 
"Never shall I forget that night, the first night in camp, that turned my life into one long night seven times sealed.
Never shall I forget that smoke.
Never shall I forget the small faces of the children whose bodies I saw transformed into smoke under a silent sky.
Never shall I forget those flames that consumed my faith for ever.
Never shall I forget the nocturnal silence that deprived me for all eternity of the desire to live.
Never shall I forget those moments that murdered my God and my soul and turned my dreams to ashes.
Never shall I forget those things, even were I condemned to live
as long as God Himself.
Never."
                                                      Never Shall I Forget from Night by Elie Wiesel.

Because I grew up under a Nazi government, I didn't even know anything about the holocaust until I was in Canada (I was about 14 ). Under apartheid South Africa, we did not have access to information, books, history. None of that!! All we were taught was Afrikaner propaganda. So when I first saw footage of the holocaust in my social studies class...I had to leave the room because I became physically ill.  But now I understand that we have been called to bear witness to the atrocities and sufferings of these unknown souls. That is our solemn duty...to remember, to speak up, to hold an infinitesimal portion of their pain. This pic was taken at the Holocaust Museum in D.C. about 5 years ago. One of the things I remember to this day were the mounds and mounds of shoes.... actual shoes that held feet and hearts and hopes and dreams and terror and madness. Looking at those shoes made me ...what??? I don't even know. Infinitely sad? Broken? Hopeless?? Despair?? Angry?? All of these things and none of these things....a great silence.

There is a lot I don't know...but I do know this.
*our stories are important. terribly terribly so.
*when we see injustice, we must speak up. we must. if we don't, there will be no-one left to speak up.
* we have to try to make sense and give meaning to our lives by speaking our truth. the time is not tomorrow...the time is now. 
* as impossible as it is to understand such madness...we must try so as: not to forget and not to repeat. 
 xxx

hello sunny CA!!!!

We just got back from our short + sweet vacation. Our trip started off a bit rough...we missed our flight flying out there because we got caught in Denver traffic. Thankfully though...neither Tim or I stress out about things like that. I mean...in the grand scheme of things...so not a big deal:) We had an amazing dinner, went to bed early and flew out the next morning. Really, the whole trip was all about taking Tara to Disney for her birthday (coming up next week, I can't even believe). She had an absolute blast! We were at there from dawn to dusk! We had (mistakenly) thought that Tara would be tired at about 2-3 in the afternoon...but no way!!! She has balls of energy that just came out of nowhere and wanted to stay until late into the night. Tim and I meanwhile...were completely exhausted waaaaay before her:)

Actually...it was the perfect time of year to go to CA...not too many crowds, amazing weather and Tara got to meet tons of Disney characters without hours in line. Also, one of the very best parts for me, is that since she is older now...she can really enjoy the storytelling aspect of Disney. All of her fave. stories come to life in ways that spark her curiosity and creativity.

 

Also...I got to meet up with my friend Patti...we spent  a couple of hours chatting over lunch (about everything from biz to art to creativity  to...). Here we are at Artbeat , it's this absolutely amazing co-op art gallery in the heart of Vista, CA. Patti has her work hanging here (so very proud of you Patti!!)...she showed me around  and introduced me to everyone else. So exciting!!! 

Absolute bliss...I had so much time laying in the sun, reading, dreaming, vegging out. I just couldn't believe the gorgeous weather out there (over here we are way deep in hats + scarves weather, thank you very much!) and tried to take full advantage of it. There was walking barefoot on the sand, ice cream and just taking it easy. So good!

I also met up with sweet + sassy Jane at the Lotus Cafe. We just caught up on everything...art, life and everything in between. She also gifted me with her beautiful art and this book (thank you Jane!) but most of all...her sweet spirit. It was so lovely sitting in the sun, sipping tea and chatting...knowing that nothing had to be explained, everything was accepted and understood. Time stood still + flew away from us all at the same time. 

Most of all...it was simply spending time with my family. Tim and I are really growing into our friendship and marriage. Tim is very left brained...all about schedules + practicalities. I am a rightie and...so when we go traipsing through the airport trying to get through security etc...here I am pulling out my camera and stopping to take a pic. Tee hee hee. It used to drive Tim nuts but now, I think he has just given up...ahem...I mean...adjusted:) And my sweet birdie right here amazes and delights me to infinity...she really is growing up right before my very eyes and I am trying to take it all in...keep all of these moments in my heart forever.

  Thank you beautiful CA...for giving me such sweet memories...friendship + art, beauty, sun, sea. Thank you for world class cuisine (Greek, Vietnamese and my fave...healthy vegan), outdoor cafes, year round blooming flowers, banana trees and green grass. Thank you for giving me time to sit and read and sip tea + chat with friends. xxx

random this + that

 "Why should I not sit, every morning of my life, on the hillside, looking into the shining world?"
                                                                                                                     -Mary Oliver
 * I have been making time each day to play!! Even if it's a very short time (5-10 mins.) ...and it's making a huge difference!! Telling stories to Tara, dancing and singing around the living room, and not taking things too seriously with my art. Using different colors + techniques with a "lets just see what happens" attitude. Making big huge messes + loving it!!
* making smoothies and vegetable juices for one meal a day. My all time fave smoothie? Almond milk, hemp powder, blueberries, raw spinach (has no taste but chock full of fiber!!) banana and a dash of honey. Soooooooo good!! And trying to drink lots more water too:)

* these are the books that are on my reading list. I just completed my second reading of Dare Greatly (LOVE!!!) and now I am on to these. I have been meaning to read the Night Trilogy forever and..now is the time!! I have always admired Eli Wiesel ever since I first saw him on an Oprah show years and years ago. The sheer determination and strength of his spirit have brought me to tears again and again. I adore this man!!! Also committing to writing more and this book is wonderful! It combines the inspirational aspect with the practicalities of writing.
*if you think that we should, as Americans, have a candid discussion regarding gun violence, firearm safety, mental health and such...then perhaps you may want to sign the Sandy Hook Promise...I did. Although I personally am for strict gun control (I am Canadian, after all)...this newly formed group takes a comprehensive approach to gun violence in this country and wants to promote healthy discussions and ways we can make our communities safer. One of the things I love is that even though this community has suffered such heartbreaking, unimaginable loss and violence...they are not seeking to vilify anyone but want to promote common sense solutions. I am going to support them in any way I can.

*loving all the filters at pixlr-o-matic ...so fun to experiment! I can spend an hour messing around over here with all the fun stuff they offer. And it's so simple to use!!
* we are heading off to CA today for the weekend. Tim wants to take Tara to Disney! Hello Minnie Mouse/Princess belle frenzy:) A hundred and one things to do before we leave. I'm hoping I can fit some time in for a haircut (which I so desperately need!) ...but not sure if I can swing it...I haven't even packed yet!!! Hope you all have a super great long weekend! xxx

arty good stuff!!!

I have been experimenting a bit in my journal over here. Actually...an altered book/journal. What I do is go to a used book store and find a book with a shape I like, with heavy pages. The pages have to be super strong so they can with stand tons of layers/collage etc. Then I glue  4-5 pages together (to make them ever more sturdy) and apply gesso on each page. After that all dries...the fun begins!!! I love taking a book that may end up in the trash and re-purposing it into a beloved work of art.

Here's a detail pic of her hands. I am trying to let loose and have fun painting hands...so I don't go completely batty:) I want to paint hands that are expressive...that tell stories  One of the things I do are lots of  blind contour drawings. That  helps me to really see. Another thing I do is ask myself...what do these hands do? are they working hands? artist hands? sensitive hands...what do I want to convey? who owns these hands?? loves these hands? what do these hands dream of? And I write tons too...paint/write/paint/write...I have no idea why...but it helps me somehow.

I just received some new art supplies in the mail (Dick Blick, of course!!)...is there anything better than that???? I picked up some new acrylic inks (FW, Liquitex)...love this Indian Yellow...it is so rich and lush and delicious! Trying out a few new colors as well...Violet, Olive Green, Azo Yellow. Normally I tend to gravitate toward the pinks, reds, blues but I find that I need to experiment with colors I don't usually use. I also picked up a half dozen Stabillo pencils because they always seem to get lost in my studio right when I need them (which is always!).

Oh!! And I picked up a few new brushes as well. Here's the truth...I always leave my brushes standing in a jar of dirty water!!! Every time I get new brushes I promise myself I will take better care of them, wash them after every use etc etc. But...it never happens! So a few years ago I decided that I would buy cheaper brushes, abuse them and then replace them every few months. That seems to work out better for me. So I picked up quite a few of the short handle Blick brushes...they work so well and are super affordable. Yay!!! New brushes!!

And this transparent Burnt Sienna ink is an all time staple in my studio...I adore it!!! Just apply it (full strength or watered down) over anything to create rich, lush layers . If you apply it over collage, it gives it an aged look. Applied over regular acrylics it gives you a luminous glow.  I just love it!!
********************************************************************

It's been freeeeeeeezing cold over here this past week-so lots of bundling up. This is Tara today...in full blown mischievous/adorable/I'm-up-to-no-good-but-I'm-so-cute-I-can-get-away-with-it mode. Just having a blast:) It takes us about 20 mins. or so to get all her winter stuff on...so there are lots of antics that go on in between:)

storytelling from the soul, a dream come true and the story behind it

I am so giddy with excitement to share with you that my art is on the cover of the current Art Journaling magazine!!! Can I say that this is an absolute dream come true? That my heart is overflowing with gratitude? That I started crying when I actually saw the cover? (is that silly??) That Tim and Tara are so so proud of me that it makes me crazy happy?
And can I share the back story of how this all happened?
Last summer I was going through a creative rut...stuck and stuck and then stuck some more. So I decided to take a short break from painting and immersed myself in reading and writing. One of the books I re-read was an all time fave.of mine called "Sister Outsider" by Audre Lorde. I hadn't read it since my 1st year in university (a gazillion years ago BTW!!) and everything she said resonated with me just as much as it had all that time ago ( maybe more so!). Her work gave me strength and clarity that I could then apply to my own work; what a gift!  I read, I cried, I wrote, I read some more...I cried some more. I had little stickies pasted everywhere...because if you've ever read Audre you know that everything she says is a quote!!

                                                       (a page from my Outsider Journals)
Truth: All my life I have been an outsider...to my "family" of origin, my culture and society. I just didn't fit in anywhere. It has been  a deeply painful experience...isolating and full of shame. All the trying to fit in but it never happening. All the "what if's" and ostracism. But there have been innumerable gifts that have come with it. So while re-reading Sister Outsider, I had an aha! moment. What if I not only embrace my outsider-ness but celebrate it as well???
This quote right here:
"Those of us who stand outside the circle of this society’s definition of acceptable women; those of us who have been forged in the crucibles of difference ... know that survival is not an academic skill. It is learning how to stand alone, unpopular and sometimes reviled, and how to make common cause with those others identified as outside the structures in order to define and seek a world in which we can all flourish. It is learning how to take our differences and make them strengths."
                              -The Master's Tools will Never Dismantle the Master's House, by Audre Lorde from Sister Outsider
...inspired my entire journal called the Outsider Journals.  

I went back to my art excited and inspired! I felt that each page in my journal gathered up entire pieces of my life, struggles and journey and i poured out my heart and soul. Creating the journal was cathartic and life changing and because it was private, I felt so free to allow all of mySELF and the deepest parts of my soul to shine through ! After I completed the journal I thought I could someday pass it along to Tara; it would be a road map of sorts that might inspire her to forge her own path.

Then one day we were at the bookstore and I picked up a copy of  Art Journaling mag and started reading it; my heart started racing, let me just tell you! What if I sent in my (very personal, very private) Outsider Journals ???). Eeek! Do I dare? I went back and forth, back and forth and all of my deepest darkest fears came up to the surface. What if they laughed at me? what if  I'm not really an artist? not a real one, anyway? what if I made a complete fool of myself? On and on...and on and on. 

                                                       (self portrait -Jan, 2013,  44 years young)
And then I took a big huge breath ...and knew in my heart that I deeply believe in my art and my work and I allowed that to guide me. All the things I write about on my blog that I deeply deeply believe with all of my heart + soul...( cultivating courage, I am enough, being vulnerable, being seen etc)...well, I had to put them into practice now (so so difficult) and get out of my own way!  I also know that not fitting in is an archetypal experience that most of us experience at some time or another. And the paradox of it is that we all feel so isolated in our shame that we either negate it or  never stop trying to fit in. I felt that maybe there would be other souls who could see themSELVES in my experience and so...I sent off my journal and let go...of all expectations and fears.

And that's how I came to have  6 full pages in the magazine ("Storytelling from the Soul" pg. 54) and my art on the cover as well!! Thank you so much Somerset Studio, Amber Demien and all the staff at Stampington & Company...for giving me this amazing opportunity. Thank you a hundred times over! You all have made one 44 year old woman feel like a teenager with a crush...soul full of stars + stomach full of  butterflies... leaping!  My heart is full.

intention for the day

"I have nature and art and poetry, and if that is not enough, what is?"
                                                                                                              -Van Gogh

It's the simple things,

I am learning...

playing + the creative process

Everyone is so different when it comes to their creative process...for me, I find that playing is the key to getting my creative juices flowing. This is one of my art journals/altered books that I am working on. I find that I am so much looser in here. There are tons of layers, papers, drips, splatters and textures. It's  such a great way to experiment and just allow my work to come through. I am starting to paint hands now...so difficult for me! I want to capture movement and humanity in them. Lots of tries, covering up and starting overs:) But...there are no mistakes...only paths and beginnings and new ways:)

Also...using lots of inks (acrylics) that I just love to create lush, vibrant colors and layers. I also love mixing inks with regular acrylics to get rich, glowing colors. Love these Caran d'Ache water soluble crayons too. So fun experimenting with art supplies!

Oh! And this is a picture of me and my girl...at my birthday dinner last week.  4 years ago this time...I was soooooo pregnant...OMG!!! Her birthday is at the end of this month and I just can't believe how the time has flown. Now...she is so grown up, she ordered her own meal (very decisively, thank you very much!) from the waiter and is poised and confident. Also...I have to buy her pants for a 6 year old now because she just sprouted up!!

love, inspiration + gratitude = grace

"Something opens our wings. Something makes boredom and hurt disappear. Someone fills the cup in front of us: We taste only sacredness."- (Rumi)

-I am stepping into 44 with all of my heart + soul! Looking back on my life, I am fully grateful to be here. My birthday was so sweet with Tim thoroughly pampering me and Tara making me 4 birthday cards and a play-doh cake:) Seriously, though, it's all about being healthy, present and doing my work. Gifts, all.

-I found  this book at the library by Anne Lamott and devoured it in 2 days!! It's  a collection of short stories that are, all at once, hilarious, profound, zen in their simplicity and, well...brilliant!!! She manages to talk about difficult issues which had me tearing up with sadness and joy!!!totally love!

-Becoming Van Gogh...this exhibition made me want to weep...in joy and sorrow and the sheer beauty of it all. Van Gogh is probably my favorite artist of all time...I mean, the man + his soul. I have always had a  soft spot for him...all of his tragedies and gifts. And to be in a room full of Van Gogh's????Inspiring  and breathtaking...and very emotional (for me). This exhibition encapsulates his entire journey and included tons of his earlier works (sketching and drawings too). I loved every bit of it...from his  sombre works to his larger than life colorful portraits. Serious gratitude, inspiration + love!!! 

-I have been meaning to write about this place forever...it's the Dushanbe Teahouse in Boulder. Tim discovered it a few months ago and it's our very fave. place. they have an extensive tea menu, very eclectic food and the best part??? The entire tea house was transported (piece by piece) from...Tajikistan!!!! Seriously! So there are hand painted ceilings, intricately carved wooden columns...and  get this...you can sit on a bed to eat your meal!!! Handmade textiles adorn the walls and ...it's so cosy + comfortable and beautiful. LOVE!!

-I recently discovered this line of children puzzles and crafts and they are fantastic!!! So artistic, well made and lush with colors. Their line includes ages 4 all the way to 12-14 years old!! Tara adores them!

-bought some mint + lemon hand soap that i use after I paint...and loving how my paints wash off so easily (I think it's the lemon!). And the combination of lemony-minty goodness = heaven:)

-driving on snowy roads through Xmas lights. Tara just loves all the trees lit up...with stars and angels. And the best part for me...taking in the magical beauty of her happiness.

where do the years go??

Is it possible?? I'm 44 today and I am wondering...where do the years go? Looking back...I remember being 13, 18, 25, 30, 35...like it was yesterday! Which it most definitely was not! The truth is that all of my life, I really haven't celebrated my birthday too much. Growing up...no-one ever made a big deal about it and through the years...neither did I. But now...Tim fusses over me waaaaay too much (feels nice!) and it's such a big huge deal to Tara...it makes me happy:) This morning...she cupped my face in her hands, wished me happy birthday and showered me with kisses (melted my heart right there).

Now...at 44...I feel stronger, and more vibrant than ever. Some parts of me haven't changed at all while others change on a daily basis!  Of course there are some parts that are droopy and saggy and have moved around a bit...ahem...but they're still there + working too:) I don't feel sadness at years lost...okay!!! a little bit of sadness... at  youth lost, opportunities that slipped away...but mostly...I hold in my heart that everything is exactly as it should be. That there are absolutely no mistakes. That we can't get away from our path no matter what we do. And going forward...I am glad to be here...in this time and space. And thank you dear friends...for all the warm birthday wishes sent my way! I am spending the morning with my girl and then Tim has taken half the day off so we can all enjoy it together. My heart is full of gratitude. Truly. xxx

how much light can I carry?

                      (mixed media, She asked herself."How much light can I carry?")
I woke up early this morning and....reading through a few blogs, I came across these gems I wanted to share with you. From beautiful Robyn's blog...I came across this inspirational quote by Neil Gaiman
"I hope that in this year to come, you make mistakes.
Because if you are making mistakes, then you are making new things, trying new things, learning, living, pushing yourself, changing your world. You're doing things you've never done before, and more importantly, you're Doing Something.
So that's my wish for you, and all of us, and my wish for myself. Make New Mistakes. Make mistakes nobody's ever made before. Don't freeze, don't stop, don't worry that it isn't good enough, or it isn't perfect, whatever it is: art, or love, or work or family life.
Whatever is is you're scared of doing, Do it.
Make your mistakes, next year and forever." - Neil Gaimen
Love this so much...as soon as I read it, I printed it up and put it above my studio table as a reminder every single time I paint!!!

Then there's this from Patti Digh:
“And now we welcome the new year,
full of things that have never been.” -Rainer Maria Rilke
and the two questions she asks us
1. what do you want to let go of?
2. what do you want to create?
So insightful and powerful!!! I sat down right away and started writing pages and pages in my journal. And some of what I came up with was this right here..."how much light can I carry?" How can I carry grace, humility and truth in my heart? How can I let go of angers and bitterness that hold me back? How can I fill my heart with gratitude? hope? How can I accept my gifts? And then I sat down and painted this painting right here...all while listening to this beautiful audio book by Caroline Myss and it all sort of came together.
So dear souls...wishing each of you a happy 2013!!! Thank you so much for reading my blog, for sharing in my journey, for your support and encouragement. xxx