this is what's true

                                                             

"We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us."

                                                                                       -Joseph Campbell

This week has been full of letting go for me and there is a deep and abiding sadness. It's one thing to talk about letting go and having every intention to do so...but (as we all know) it's a completely different thing to actually do it. The seriously difficult work of coming to terms with our life as it is...can break us open.

Layered in with all of this pain and sadness though...There is a sense of relief, an opening of my heart to create a space for whatever lies ahead. A tenderness and a lighting up of my spirit.
I firmly believe that when we hold onto things that are causing us pain in some way (ideas, expectations, desires, toxic thought patterns, friendships etc) ...we are stopping the positive flow of energy into our lives. All the wonderful experiences, gifts, people, relationships that are meant to manifest but aren't able to because we are holding on.

And my holding on is caused by fear. So many fears.

*the fear of getting old.

*of being alone.

*of dying alone.

*of caring for mySELF.

*of not being enough.

*of burying dreams I had for my life.

But...I am trying (difficult as it is) to leap across the abyss of my fears...into

*faith

*love

*hope

*joy

*acceptance.

*courage

*compassion

That is my deepest wish for mySELF right now and...for you too...dear reader. xxx

composing a life

Lately I am realising that, in life, the idea of balance (at least for me) is an illusion. It's something I have always known but still, kept on chasing after anyway. I fantasised about this perfect space and time where everything would fit into neatly balanced boxes...romantic night with Tim, x number of hours in my studio, baking with Tara etc etc.  But more and more I am seeing the wisdom in fully accepting this particular truth:  composing a rich and authentic life means accepting all of the pieces which includes, ...imbalance!!! And yes...that means time in my studio but it also includes spreading out  a drop cloth on the kitchen counter and working on canvases when I can. It includes watching a movie with my hubby but it also means falling asleep on the sofa. And sometimes...baking with a three year old may not be the best idea:) ...not quite the picture I had in my mind. But it's what makes life rich and imperfectly "perfect". Don't you agree??

So...more and more...I am leaning into the idea that life may be more like a patchwork quilt. I gather up little pieces here and there...wisdom, heartache, longing, joy, love, giving up on certain dreams I had to make room for new (and different) ones. Sometimes I find beauty in pieces that other people have thrown away...marveling at the way the sunshine hits a tree, the smell of rain...loss. Each piece is integral to the whole.
Composing a life means allowing for uncertainty, chaos, bitterness, anger. All of these pieces are treasures; vitally important to the art of living. In so many ways...I am grateful for the life and choices I get to make. My grandmother had all of her choices made for her (she had an arranged marriage at the age of 15 and had all of her 3 children before she was 20!!) ...all of her life laid out for her.

So ...more and more these days I am holding onto fluidity in my life...breathing into each moment; it's all we truly have for certain. These days I am embracing my tired, sad, old and messy pieces and holding them up to the light to witness their marvel. I am collecting my ugly, insecure, brilliant, unique, lovely and decidedly un-lovely parts. It's all these pieces put together that make up the fullness and beauty of a life, I think. So that's where you will find me these days...hanging out in this space of truth...under the patchwork quilt of my life. It's good...this place. It's where my authentic self lives.

confession

confession:
*I have been getting in tons of painting time in my studio lately. I am inspired and slightly obsessed with painting/creating/experimenting. Picked up a whole bunch of paints lately...colors I normally don't use and also picked up some color samples from Home Depot (!!) to try out. Anything goes!
* I was supposed to try my hand at clay doll making this summer but it just never happened! I had every intention but...summer just slipped away.
* I am also obsessed with making cushions (after all, it's pretty much the only thing I can sew!!). Tim's going to wonder why we have a gazillion of them (tee hee hee). I also have been having fun at turning some of Tara's old dresses into skirts. Just cut the top part off, hem, add a bow or something and..there you go:)
* I had every intention of reopening my Etsy store months and months ago but it just never happened. Is it the last week of August already?? Anyways...I am hoping to have it up and running soon. Uh...no definitive date yet:)

* absolutely delighted that I get to be Tara's mom. Every single day is an adventure!  She's got such a sassy sense of humor, is full of life + laughs and has such a little personality, let me just tell you:)
* I start P.T. on my knee tomorrow. It has really slowed me down these past weeks so I am hoping to get it stronger these next many weeks. Fingers crossed.
* I have been so sleep deprived lately but in a good kinda' way. Inspired and creating in my studio till all hours of the night. Need that morning coffee to get me going!
* it's amazing what a simple phone call can do to lift your spirits. This morning I had a wonderful conversation with a dear friend and was gifted with a fresh perspective of things that left my heart singing with gratitude all day. Thank you sweet Jane xxx

remember your dreams

I came across this sign in the window the other day...and I felt it was a huge reminder to me ...and to so many of us. Once we become moms and have families to take care; little ones who need us and are so utterly dependent...we may put our dreams on the back burner. Oh! Only until they go off to school or maybe...college!!
For me...things were entirely different in so many ways. Maybe it was because I became a mom the very same month I turned 40 (!!!) but I started pursuing my dreams much more after Tara was born. There was just something about becoming a mother that made me more ambitious about my art. That made me feel that I want to do work that I am proud of and that would speak to Tara long after am gone. Work that I'm proud of and that she would be proud of one day too. All of  a sudden my mortality became a stark reality. I am not going to be here forever; none of us are. I realised that "one day" was not a possibility anymore only "right now". And becoming a mom gave me the courage to be vulnerable. My family needed me to be real, authentic, strong and...vulnerable. I needed it too. Becoming a mom opened up all of my locked dreams.

 I wanted to deeply speak my truth, paint from my heart and have her be proud of her mommy. I also knew how important it was for her to see me pursuing my dreams + passions Because  one day I want her to do the same; whatever they may be. I never saw any dichotomy between family and work. I never felt that I had to pick between one or the other. It is all an act of deep love and faith; a belief in what's truly important in life. There are so many times (actually, almost every single day!!) when I am exhausted after a long day of taking care of Tara but I still go into my studio. It's an act of love and passion  that I consider myself very fortunate to have in my life.
So dear soul: whoever you are, wherever you are remember remember remember

* to take care of yourSELF
* to follow your heart
* to believe in yourSELF
and...to remember your dreams. They may be lost, hidden or tucked away safely somewhere. But remembering them is the first step to achieving them . xxx
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P.S. Tara had her very first gymnastics class today and she absolutely loved it!! (Can you tell from the pic??) My heart spilled over with mamma love and pride to see her. I want her to have every opportunity to excel at what she loves and is good at. No boxes to put her in because of her gender or or or. Not any of that for my Tara.

i heart weekend getaways

I heart weekend getaways. open roads. no agenda. lots of naps. and tea. and wandering around. no schedules. light reading. summer.

We drove out to Boulder this weekend...and I absolutely love it there!!! Lots and lots of yoga studios everywhere (reminds me of Ca.) and tons of teahouses and meditation studios. art galleries. coffee shops. Tibetan prayer flags blowing in the wind. Tiny little stores filled to the brim with handmade soaps or silver jewellery.

I went to Anthropolgie and...fell in love!!! If I had a gazillion dollars...I would buy up everything in there!! And I mean everything!!! I was so inspired ...

Like...look at this gorgeous chandelier. It's simply wooden rings and tassels. So lovely. And doable on  a smaller scale (I think!).

And I fell in love with all the pottery and those to die for ruffly curtains. looks like a skirt but...they are super frilly curtain panels! Swoon.

Tara was fascinated with the huge trees outside our windows...there were tons of birds flitting in and out that kept her interested for hours. She is fascinated with all animals but especially loves monkeys, penguins and birds.

I tried a Bhakti Chai for the first time ...delicious. Very spicy...I think ginger + cardamom? Not quite sure. But if you get a chance...try it!! Going to be unpacking, doing laundry, cleaning up my studio (it's  a mess!!) tomorrow. But so much to share...be back soon!

a story to warm your heart

(Faith in her Path, mixed media)

I just heard this story and I so wanted to share it with you all. It's heartwarming + inspirational and out of this world amazing. It's the late 60's in Detroit and a singer/songwriter (Rodriguez) makes a couple of albums that supposedly go nowhere. No money, no attention...no nothing. So he gives up on his dreams, becomes  a construction worker and raises his 3 daughters. All the while thinking that he has made no artistic contribution; that his work has not meant anything to anyone.
 Meanwhile... halfway across the world in South Africa, his music is more popular than Elvis!!! His work had inspired millions of South Africans trapped under the evil political system of apartheid. His artistic soul had lifted a nation ...and he had no idea!!! There was no Internet back then and, under apartheid, the S. Africa government  imposed  domestic censorship (the government controlled what you read, listened to etc). Rodriguez made absolutely no royalties off his music and struggled to support his family all these years. Now, at the age of 70, someone tracked him down and has made a documentary about him. He was flown to S. Africa and has played in front of adoring, sold out audiences...I cried when I watched his story unfold. He has risen like a phoenix from the ashes. And his story illustrates an important lesson (to me)...

 When we bring love + heart + soul into our work (painting, writing, singing, gardening, raising  a child, tending to our marriage, loving another person, blogging..)...that is our success!! A lot of times we measure our worth (+ success) in monetary value as if that determines the importance of our work. While I  certainly don't believe in the starving artist archetype ...Rodriguez makes an important point. He says that he has no regrets about his life, the way things turned out or the decisions he has made. 
How can we put  a value on how our work may inspire others?? When we have faith in our path...we have to let go of what we think should happen and trust that everything is as it should be.
Now...how inspiring is this story??? With that...I want to wish you a happy weekend...we are heading out of town for some summer R&R. xxx

self portrait + ageing

(self portrait at 43 and a half)

I'm ageing. When I was younger (in my twenties) I never gave it much thought. Oh! it was somewhere out there...far away. But now that I have a little one + I'm 43 (and half!!)...I think about it quite a bit. I came up with a list (maybe you can come up with your own?) so here goes.

5 things I love about ageing:

1. I am more sure of mySELF. I feel comfortable with who I am and there's no trying to be something I am not. (so freeing!! Love love love this about ageing for me)

2. focus more on my health now. I eat better and make smarter choices re. diet + exercise.

3. my priorities are in order.

4. I don't take my time for granted. all these days + months + years are a gift.

5. I don't take crap anymore. I am so much better at establishing boundaries.

Okay...5 things I hate about getting older!!

1. all the creaks and aches and pains. They are there...lurking around.

2. I am tired!! What happened to all the energy I used to have??

3. slowing metabolism. Ugh!!

4. gray hair. I decided that in the next few years I am going to stop coloring it.

5. my body is changing. I'll spare you the details ...you can just take my word for it:)

That being said...ageing is a perilous and fascinating journey. The thing I fear the most?? (as I suspect we all do) is loss of health + being dependant. But for now.. the focus is on spirit, health, friendship, love, laughter, doing my work, being in the moment, health, simplicity.

                                                         (Tara's self portrait...isn't it cute??)

tit bits + pics from this week

This week has been so surreal, amazing and full of ups and downs...I don't even know where to begin!My computer is acting all wonky again and I have been simmering in a hormonal soup (tears + elation all at once...what does this mean, I wonder??).  So...I just thought I would share some pics + snippets. This is my new biz card...I love the way it turned out!!! I designed it myself and ordered it from Vistaprint. Love love love their stuff and the colors always turn out amazing. Plus...I love their variety of products plus their prices. Tell me what you think.

And here's my new mousepad with my art on it!!!! Smitten!! (Also from Vistaprint)

Okay...right before I became pregnant with Tara, I had to have knee surgery. But it's been giving me problems ever since. So now I am sporting this crazy sexy:) knee brace until I can see the ortho doc. It's to support and stabilize my knee when I'm up and about. Oh!!!Getting older huh??? It's funny how all my life I have pretty much taken my good health for granted and then...one day I wake up and there are aches and pains and things not working right. It's humbling and scary all at once but here's my thoughts. If we are lucky...we get to age; it's a privilege so many people don't have. And we can choose our attitudes about it. Now losing my health (in small or large pieces) scares the crap out of me!!! Especially after becoming a mom (what??I can't get sick!! How am I going to take care of Tara???) But ...it also teaches me how to walk into my fears, how to listen to my body and slooooooow down and (most importantly to me) ...how to be in the moment with full gratitude for all I have. Also...now that I am wearing my knee brace, I am forced to wear pretty summer skirts instead of my all time fave. everyday wear; jeans!! Sigh...it's still a pain though:)

A message from the Universe earlier on this week...a double rainbow:) Can you see it? Put hope in my heart.

Tara and I  have a special lunch date every week. Oh!! We so look forward to it!!! We go to different places or have little picnics...it's all about sharing food + comfort and laughs and special secret talks:)  I learn something new about my girl every single time for instance...even though Tim and I both love international (+ spicy!!) cuisine...Thai, Indian, Japanese, Ethiopian...Tara loves bland foods and wants the same thing every single time!!! Right here I am eating a spicy Thai salad (peanut sauce, cashews, cilantro)...and Tara is having broccoli and cheddar soup.

And then...the absolute most amazing + exciting act of fate and providence found me at a huge huge huge Obama rally this week. It was an all day affair standing in the blazing heat (totally worth it, I might add)

And I was so close to him...about 10 feet away!!! OMG!!! It was so inspiring + heartwarming to hear him speak...he is as brilliant, down to earth, handsome and charismatic as I imagined. One of the things that struck me was how he has retained his ease and sense of humor amidst this vitriolic political climate. He makes sense to me...he just does. Oh!! but I have to put my mom hat on and say that he is just too thin!! Dear Mr. President...You need to eat, okay:) 



Tim and Tara ...building memories, relationship, love, family, smiles. Hope you all had a fantastic week too:)

Tara's creativity center DIY

When we first moved into our home, I looked at the landing space (going downstairs to our basement) and immediately decided to turn it into a creativity center for Tara. It was huge and bright and would otherwise be wasted. So...I did a few sketches and decided on this one right here. My goal was to create a space that was fun, functional and educational for Tara. So...with some hard work and a trip to Ikea...this is how it turned out. We are in love with this space now!!

*just found these pics. Thought I had lost them when our computer crashed! This is the space I started off with. as you can see...it's pretty huge and has good light but...blah + boring!

Blue painters tape works magic! Great for keeping lines straight and paint where you want it to go. If you need to make a curve..simply cut the outer edge and bend it!!

Painted the roof first...

... a bright cheery red (Behr's Crantini) and the bottom part with chalkboard paint (LOVE!!). I decided to paint the walls  a deep, rich green (Spanish Olive by Behr) . The walls have a texture to them so I had to use 2-3 coats of paint.

I picked up this curtain rod and hung Tara's art + pics. It's super awesome because you can custom size it to fit your space...just cut the wire!!

 

Next I had Tim put up a shelf that I picked up from Home Depot. I wanted a place to keep stuff that I don't want Tara to have access to by herself (paints etc). And these picture frames from Ikea ...child resistant and super cheap??? I bought tons in all different sizes for Tara's artwork.

Picked up the table and chairs from Ikea. and this nifty storage unit ( rail + container) ...totally awesome BTW; I have one in my studio as well. The storage container on the right is a stainless steel bathroom caddy from Walmart. It gives me vertical storage so we don't take up too much room on the table

Another view...

This little reading corner right here is cosy and comfy. I used one of Tara's baby blankets as a throw, added a teddy + books = adorable!! . I  added this dollhouse bookshelf (I painted this for Tara when I was pregnant!!).

These "shelves" are simply pieces of foamcore/molding?? that I bought from Home Depot. they custom cut the pieces for me and I secured them with nails. they are super awesome if you need shallow shelves for pictures etc.

I threw a couple of old rugs on the floor...



Another view...

I added a clock and gorgeous tin heart hooks I already had... and it's all done!!

 I love the way it turned out ...and the best part??? Tara loves spending time here playing and puttering around:) Also...I think that I can make minor adjustments as she grows and still keep it fun. Thanks for looking:)

b. inspired

I have to admit that, most times, I hate watching the news. With all the murders, violence and mayhem...it's pretty depressing. And the sad thing is...there are plenty of amazing, wonderful, inspiring stories and people out there...so why don't we hear about them??. Everyday people like you and I ...and then some pretty extraordinary, one in 100 million type of people that are now getting the spotlight because of the Olympics. My top 3 totally inspiring people right now???
Michael Phelps. Okay...he's only, like...somewhere in his twenties (??) and he's won a gazillion gold medals. The most decorated athlete at the Olympics...ever!!! Ever!!!! Totally inspired and in awe.
Then there's Oscar  "Blade Runner" Pistorius from S. Africa who is competing with able bodied people and he has two iron legs (first time ever this has happened). Now how can you watch this and not be totally + breathlessly inspired??? He has shown us what so called dis-abled people can accomplish and exemplifies the spirit of the Olympian. Here is a double amputee whose stumps are a bloody mess after he runs...but...he still does it!!! Oscar..you have won, you have won...you have won!!! And some people are saying that his legs give him an unfair advantage??? Oh!!! Please!!! I have so much admiration + regard for him as an athlete + a human being.

But the #1 person Tara + I are inspired by? None other than 16 year old gymnast extraordinaire...Gabby Douglas. I enrolled Tara in gymnastics a month ago...so when we watched Gabby win last week, Tara looked up at me and said "Mommy, I want to be like Gabby. I want to be in the lympics. But I can't do it myself...I need your help." My heart just melted right there. When I saw Gabby's routine with her flying through the air in perfect symmetry, grace and power...I can't explain the feelings of pride + admiration I had. There are so many stories out there that are bear witness to the power of the human spirit. Everyday heroes + she-roes. What inspires you? Who makes you feel that you can be brave and fly too?
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Tara and I at a summer party on Saturday. xxx

art(ing) etc

These past few days I have been feeling so blue and blah...PMS-ing, I think. Just this week I think I've gained like 5 lbs and I have no idea why!!! So this morning I just went into my studio to paint. As I sat down and started putting paint to canvas, stamping and dripping and gluing and smudging...I realised how sacred the act of creating is to me. To us all. There is just something about creating that makes me feel ...like everything is right in the world. In my world, anyway:) It's challenging + frustrating for sure...but would we have it any other way??

I am doing a series of paintings that I mailing off and...I have to admit that I am filled with self doubt and nervous attacks. I know it's all part of the journey...but it still sucks when you are right in the middle of insecurity + inadequacy:) I know that the only way out is through...so I am  trying to embrace all of my fears-walk right into them-and see what they have to teach me. I think it's this right here...to believe in mySELF + my work.

* Also-super excited that my interview with Rita Banerji has been re posted here !!! Happy weekend friends. xxx