on extending my(SELF) some grace

 "I do not understand the mystery of grace-only that it meets us where we are and does not leave us where it found us." -Anne Lamott
 I haven't been here at my blog in forever it seems. This year has been difficult in so many many ways but (as usually seems the case) has also gifted me with tremendous growth. I feel stronger, healthier, more sure of myself. I am carving out a new life for myself and, more importantly, I am setting intentions on what I want my life to look like. Powerful heady stuff!! I have been painting up a storm...experimenting and playing and trying out new techniques and art supplies. I am currently taking a class called A Year of Painting by phenomenal, totally awesome (and way too cute) boho free spirited artist Alena Hennessy. Loving it every step of the way and am ever so grateful that I was gifted this wonderful opportunity. Letting loose, letting go and stepping into possibilities. Feels so good...I can't even begin to articulate. And so I find myself in a very different place than I was just a few short months ago. Grace.

Also...I have been immersing myself in poetry...oh my!!! I usually have a stack of books that are heavy and serious and...quite necessary for me to heal and recover. But about a month ago I decided to switch over to reading only poetry. Maybe for the rest of the summer or...maybe for the rest of the year...who knows?? I discovered Rupi Kaur and she broke my heart wide open with her truthtelling, her way with words. How she gives both gravity and flight to her emotions.
"sometimes
the apology
never comes
when it is wanted
and when it comes
it is neither wanted
or needed
-you are too late" -Rupi Kaur

And we did a bit of traveling...up to the Pacific Northwest...which is so stunningly beautiful I could only be humbled and awestruck... in the truest sense of the word. The trees are giants reaching up to the stars and skies, the waters are vast and ever changing...bursting with life. And this pic right here is Granville Island, Vancouver. I lived here for a year in my late twenties and it was really powerful to see how much my life and SELF have changed from that time. I loved showing Tim and Tara around. So much changes and yet...so much stays the same. Life.

And this sweet girl, this sweet girl...this sweet girl right here!!! How she is growing and blooming and changing right before my very eyes. I'm just trying to take it all in and be present to the joy and playfulness and ...magnificence of it all. She is the heart of our world. Cherished.

And I have really been actively extending myself some grace. Standing more and more in my truth, feet planted firmly on the ground while I reach for the deepest parts of me. Moving more and more away from fear and deeper and deeper into faith. Grateful.

"the world
gives you
so much pain
and here you are
making gold out of it
-there is nothing purer than that" -Rupi Kaur

around here lately...

This is my latest Painted Paper Doll in the making and you guys, I simply can't explain how absolutely wonderful this class is...not only for my creativity and painting...but for my soul. I can just see myself making so many of these beautiful dolls because each one has her very own personality...her very own story to share. And I have no idea how they are going to turn out...only that each one is just so special. This lady right here is coming together in the most delightful way...swoon. I can't thank the wonderful Danielle Daniel enough for sharing her gifts with us in this class.

And we've been making time for play, self care and reflection over here. Reading, journaling, photowalks, tea drinking and practicing mindfulness are priorities. That and exercise, drinking water + going to bed early:) I find that when I fit in 15-20 mins. throughout the day for self care...everything just goes more smoothly. And the best part??? I don't feel guilty for taking some time for myself anymore!

I love to cook! I adore cookbooks, shopping for exotic spices and international cuisine. Just the thought of saffron, cardamom and smoked serrano chilli power make me a little giddy with joy. But after becoming a mom...I just didn't have as much time to devote to cooking . But now that Tara is in school...I prepare the difficult stuff and then get her to help me with the easier parts when she gets home. Not only does she love being my little kitchen helper...but she's also more likely to want to eat the food she cooks!!! Win/win. And I recently read up on everyday gourmet...where just a few unexpected items (lime, Saigon cinnamon or a splash of vanilla) can turn ordinary into...zing! Everyday gourmet is really a mindset...where even the most simple dish can be turned into something fab. Loving this concept!

The outdoors is simply spectacular this time of year over here...the trees are ablaze in washes of orange, reds and golds. The mountains stand guard around us lofty...and grand. And the skies are ever moody in dark grays and smoky blues. Colorado in the fall is gorgeous  and reminds me so much of Alberta...especially Banff. 

This is Tara's reading nook...and if I could fit in this cozy space...I would pretty much live here!! She loves perusing through her books or writing me or Tim love notes...swoon. A lot of big girl changes to her bedroom...gone are the days when I could decorate to my heart's content. She has very definite ideas of the way she wants things. All part of her growing up, gaining some independence and wanting to make her space her own. So proud of my girl.  

Tim and I have been making time for date nights once or twice a week. Just some time when we can get out of mommy/daddy mode and connect about our days and dreams. Where we can chat and laugh and have a glass of wine. So look forward to these evenings.

Tara loves these Feelings Flashcards by Todd Parr right here. There are so many new (and often overwhelming) experiences for her since starting school...and these cards are so helpful in getting her to open up about her emotional world. We love the simple, delightful and colorful illustrations; they have made such a huge difference! Can't recommend them enough.

And this is my sweet girl the other day...early in the morning right before going off to school. She is full of sass and pizazz and giggles. She loves to do math, tell stories and oh!...simply be adorable:)  I can't believe that she will turn 6 in a few months...savoring these moments. All of them. And that's some of our life around here lately. xxx

some thoughts on making a commitment to health

Since I turned 45 last week, I am more mindful than ever of the invaluable gift of good health and I have wholeheartedly made a commitment to it. It works so much better than a New Years resolution (which I never seem to be able to maintain) or a program to lose that last 10 pounds. A commitment just sounds more workable to me...plus...it's a state of mind, a state of being. It's not about denying myself , forcing myself or beating up on myself when I inevitable fail. It's about a long term lifestyle choice that involves large and small choices...sometimes in every moment. So when the alarm goes off at 5 in the morning..it allows me to make the choice of getting up and going to the gym (which happens most days) or....turning it off and getting more sleep because I really need it (hello self care!!!). Without the side of guilt:) Yay!! I find that when I look at good health through this lense, it allows me to make wiser choices over the long haul.

 It allows me to make much better food choices too...not 100% of the time...but most of the time. Juicing, smoothies and munching on raw veggies make up the bulk of my diet so I can splurge on special occasions or just when I especially feel like it. And I can always keep in mind the long term goal of my commitment to good health. And seriously, friends...it's not about what I look like or fitting into size x clothing...it's about being healthy, feeling good and being able to be my very best self . After becoming a mom...I really understand (and accept) our march toward mortality. I just want to be as healthy as possible for me + my family.

And, of course, self care is holistic, isn't it?? It's about our entire spiritual, mental, emotional and physical being. It's about inviting more peace, love + joy into our hearts, homes + lives. It's about letting go of shame, unworthiness, "not enough"-ness. It's about trusting myself to make good choices, looking within and letting go. It's about thriving. So...lighting candles, reading, writing, photowalks, gratitude, setting boundaries, making me time, getting enough sleep....it all factors in. I've invested in some super warm and comfy pajamas, luscious soaps and hand creams to feel pampered. And I'm in major de-cluttering mode...getting rid of stuff I don't use. It feels great...making space for ...life!

pause.

 “it is a serious thing // just to be alive / on this fresh morning / in this broken world.”
                                                                                                  -Mary Oliver, Red Bird

I've been slowing down  lately...with lots of morning photowalks, going to bed early, reading and writing. And practicing self care with setting boundaries (more on this soon!), working out, quiet self reflection time  and asking for what I need. Tara is all excited about Halloween, the changing leaves and life in general! I have to say that Fall is quite possibly my fave season...the colors are simply magnificent and can't be ignored; I simply have to stop whatever I'm doing... and be in awe.

I love spending time with my man...deepening our marriage and friendship while expanding our hearts. Marriage has so many levels (I am finding out) . It's a spiritual practice that challenges us to grow and love more deeply. And I am spending time with my girl...baking, reading, making doll furniture(!!) and simply enjoying her. December/January is always a mad rush around here...with Tim's birthday, Xmas and New Years and then my birthday and Tara's!! So enjoying the relative quiet and calm of this time.

chase the light + it will find you! Day #5

 More and more..I am seeing (really seeing...which means putting into practice) how truly essential self care is! To me, my marriage, mothering, creativity, health...everything!!! I am seeing how my needs change from day to day (hour to hour sometimes!) and how I have to listen deeply to the whispers. I am seeing (in retrospect) how many long years of neglecting my needs, of not feeling worthy of asking for what I need and of assuming I don't need self care had left me feeling dried up and spent. I have no idea how I even made it through my teen years without any self care at all...save for my journal/sketchbook. But those very years prepared me for this path I am on right now. Those very years of neglectful apathy planted the seeds of who I am today. Those experiences carved my path. They led me to live in an ashram in my mid twenties...where I could mend my broken spirit, immerse myself in solitude and rest my very weary self. They led me on a  4 month pilgrimage to India where I could find my way back to self. They led me to art, photography, books, writing, seeking the true, committed to lifelong learning and healing. those very experiences of hardship led me to ...chasing light.

Now I am all about discovering the light within and beyond. It's fun! And fills me up to overflowing. Really, friends...it's all about self care as a daily practice and necessity! It doesn't have to be complicated either; actually I find that simplicity is key. It's all about the listening to what we need and then...leaning into those whispers. My top 10 simple acts of self care:
1. writing in my journal
2. going for a walk (now I also incorporate photo walks)
3. exercise!!! most days I need to work out and then...I need to listen to my body when it needs  a rest as well
4. setting boundaries!! So so so important friends!! Can't stress this one enough in terms of what it's done for my peace of heart and mind. No more being overrun by guilt and poor choices feels like a huge deep breath of freedom!
5. reading

6. appreciating simplicity; gratitude as a practice
7. community, tribe, friends, love
8. laughter...and holding hands
9. a cup of tea
10. listening to ourSELVES = honoring ourSELVES. Our intuitive self knows what we need, what we seek, what to leave alone.
 chase the light and it will find you!

filling up my well

It's the last day of my Be Your Own Beloved class with Vivienne McMaster...and I can't believe how much I've grown (creatively and otherwise), how sad I am that it's over and how much I recommend this photography class to anyone looking to expand their hearts. I had some trepidation about taking the class...and I don't know why because I blog, FB, Tweet etc ...but I am ever so grateful I did!!! I feel a new confidence and ...am completely inspired. I even started taking photo self care walks (you can read about them on Vivienne's blog) and...she's absolutely right!!!! It's an adventure in the making and I feel so invigorated and refreshed afterwards!!! Try it out!!

We just had a long weekend over here (Memorial Day) and...since it's always a very difficult time for Tim due to all the many friends and comrades he's lost...we decided to take it very easy. Full of slowing down, breathing, appreciating our many blessings and giving thanks; self care. 

Tara had her very first horseback ride and took to it like a pro!!! Not only did she love it...she started giving the horse orders:) I think we're going to be doing quite a lot more of this:)

And of course...spending family time. My girl is all smiles and mischief...can you tell???I heart her so.

Happy + refreshed and practicing self care. Lots of reading, tea drinking, breathing, cloud watching and talking to trees. I feel like a whole new person!!! More soon!

unearthing oldness and bringing in newness

 

 "To be ourselves causes us to be exiled by many others, and yet to comply with what others want causes us to be exiled from ourselves"

                                               -Dr. Clarissa Pinkola Estes

This past little while has been a huge period of growth for me. It's involved unearthing so many old stories, rewriting new ones and bringing me to a place of right here, right now. I'm giving up (slowly...little by little...bit by bit) all these pieces of who I used to be, who I thought I was, who I wanted to be...and making room for who I really truly am. It's  a process, friends. It really is. But it feels so good to simply embrace...me!!! Some of the things that are facilitating this (somewhat daunting ) process...

*reading. I am a voracious reader and I find, that...for me, books really give me insight, tools, courage, direction. I could go on and on.

* journaling!!!! I write and write + write some more. It's cathartic. I used to diligently do my morning pages for the longest time...then I fell off the wagon + I seriously miss it!!! Gotta get back to doing them but until then...there's nothing I love more than having a cup of tea and writing in my journal. Good stuff!

* photography!!!! Vivienne McMaster's Be Your Own Beloved class. Seriously, folks...this class is opening up my heart + eyes and making space for me to accept who I am right now. Most of the pics in this post are from the class and I am seeing in a new way. Absolutely + totally recommend it!

*painting!!!

 

Getting back in my studio and painting...and just really letting go and enjoying the process. Not really wanting to create a  finished painting...just putting paint on canvas and pulling and pushing...stepping back. Allowing. Seeing what wants to happen.  also...I totally rearranged my studio and I am completely in love with the way things are but...now I want to repaint my walls. Eeeek! All the work??? Taking everything out of the room, all the stuff I have up on my walls. Not sure if I'm going to go that route right now...the walls are a sunshiney, buttery yellow (which I love) but I was thinking I want more of  a neutral in there like a warm and moody gray.

OMG!!!! I can't believe I'm actually posting this on my blog...but it was a seriously fun prompt  from BYOB last week. All my life, I have been  a super girlie girl...and I loved dressing up and taking care of myself. But after I became  a mom...I totally let so much of that go. I became other focused (necessarily so) and with Tim away at work so much, my art, blogging, moving etc...I fell into exhaustion and ...sometimes, laziness. Not to mention the changes in my body post pregnancy...and ageing. It's only been in the last year or so that I very slowly started working my way toward self care. This photo shoot was pure magic for me...I put on some music, had the self timer going...and began playing around. It was so fun!!!

The weather around here has been mirroring my renewal...lots of sunshine, wetness + green = perfect conditions for growth:)

This book has my heart opening like a flower...petal by petal.  It's amazing how a great book can open worlds upon worlds...and bring characters so real into our hearts + lives.How it can slough off old-ness and plant seeds of change that will take root. How I adore books!!!

When we accept our own wild beauty, it is put into perspective, and we are no longer poignantly aware of it anymore, but neither would we forsake it or disclaim it either. ... 
                                                                                                 - Dr. Clarissa Pinkola Estes

self care + what it means to me

I read this post yesterday and I started thinking about all sorts of things...how I practice self care today, how in my earlier lives I had no clue about caring for mySELF; what that even meant or how it applied to me. First of all, let me just say that as difficult as it is for so many women in western cultures to practice self care...in my culture it is not only a completely foreign concept but women who do so are reviled. Worst...they can be killed.
*BTW, I just heart Susannah...how she just puts it out there in the most casual + adorable way.
 In my very early twenties I was too busy surviving emotionally + mentally. Physically too. I had moved out on my own, was in University full time and working 40+ hours a week. I was also trying to cope with the aftermath of my horrendous family life/childhood, put myself through school plus... figure out life. SELF care never even occurred to me. During the summers I worked outrageous hours and spent lavishly on mySELF...buying Italian shoes, expensive clothing, art and wooden sculptures that I really couldn't afford. But it was my way of covering up all of my pain instead of processing it. I wore this heavy mask because I was terrified to show my real self to anyone...especially to mySELF. I had no idea who I was or wanted to be. I only saw mySELF through distorted mirrors; fragments and shards. Other people's perceptions, pains and discontent.
Then...in my mid twenties I went the other way completely...or so it seemed. I simplified...every 6 months I gave away half of all my stuff. I lived in an ashram for many many months. I tried to live  a somewhat austere life...still... with art + books + music but I got rid of everything else. My adage was..if I can't carry it ...it's gotta' go! Which was good because one year...I moved 10 times! Eeeek!  I would meet some guy somewhere, fell madly "in love" and then ...I would just disappear. I hurt a lot of people...myself included. I would feel in my heart that I had to go somewhere and then just pick up and go. Always running away...from mySELF. It was such a painful time but...also full of growth and new experiences.

                                                   
Then...when I turned 30 and spent 4 months on  a solo pilgrimage through India...I started on my creative path. Painting, photography, writing...all gave me an avenue to share my stories and work my way to the heart of who I was.  Once I put paint to paper, I felt that I started nourishing mySELF and paying attention to what I wanted; my true self.
Still...it would be many more years before I actually began to take care of mySELF in any real way. Somewhere in my mid thirties, a number of long term relationships came to an end all at once and the circumstances where so similar that I had to sit up and take notice. I had to learn how to set boundaries ( a foreign concept up until that time!!). So...slowly I was learning how to practice kindness and self care. Fast forward to when I became a mom and everything kicked into high gear exponentially. Here was my precious daughter who needed every ounce of me to be as healthy and together as possible...no more time for bullshit! Everything just fell away...pretense, masks, walls. Everything! I simply wasn't going to tolerate meanness and ugliness in my life anymore. While I know that everyone is doing the best they can at any given moment...I wasn't going to invite/allow unkindness into my life . My priorities changed, I kicked guilt to the curb, severed unhealthy ties and I actually started taking care of me. Friends, this was a radical concept to me!!!

I started my blog when Tara was about a year old and it gave me a voice...it strengthened me. Of course I didn't know it at the time but it was a life line leading me to center. Today...I want to be seen. For who I really am. I am shedding baggage (it's a process!!) and living inside the heart of my truth. Sure...I pamper myself too...a really extravagant hand lotion, a Godiva truffle when I want one, taking  a tech break, spending an ungodly amount of money on books (which I don't regret for even one second). But that's all icing on the cake...for me, it's not the cake! SELF care now means being healthy(exercising + eating right), being true to what I want, defining success for mySELF , being comfortable with all aspects of mySELF (ugly parts and all). It means setting boundaries, showing respect and kindness. It means believing in me. Not going along with what I don't believe or hiding who I really am. It means...being real. For so much of my life I went just went along feigning ignorance, always making excuses for others. But it only led me into a dark corner feeling very isolated.  So now...self care is a practice that I have to constantly work at;  I ask for what I need, speak my truth and sure...I buy a pair of boots now and then:)

inspired by...

(my inspiration board...in progress)

* this month's O mag. It's all about de-cluttering. Man! Do I ever need to get rid of stuff...I have stuff in my closet I am never going to wear!! Ever!
* The series of posts over here...all about self-care. So need to read (and apply!!) this deep + healing wisdom.
* This workbook here that I picked up at the thrift store...all about infusing our lives with simplicity + creating space for the new.
* Robyn Gordon of Art Propelled...I did an amazing interview with her that I am going to post soon....I have been reading and re-reading it to glean all  I can about how this brilliant + amazing artist works.
* love love love these freakin' amazing photos from Bekwith & Fisher. I am a huge huge fan of their work...fell in love instantly + a long time ago.
* So proud of this amazing Canadian girl...love her work + her words!!
* Indian silks. Love the colors + combinations and workmanship. Love!!!
* Adele!!!
I hope you all have a  wonderful weekend...wherever you are...in your corner of the world.

getting better...slowly

(Tara watching the birds from our kitchen window...this morning)

It has been a slow + difficult week over here but I am finally just starting to feel a little better. Like so many moms...I suck at self care!! I say I'm going to take better care of myself but...it just tends to get pushed to the back burner until I am forced to. This past week I have been going to bed at 8:30 (!!!) with Tara, drinking lots of hot chocolate (with whole milk) and just resting. Ever since I became a mom...I have never felt more vulnerable, humbled or as dependent on the kindness of strangers...but especially when I'm sick. It just kinda' hits you really hard...being completely responsible for the care of your child + being sick and having to rest too. And thank you all so much for your concern and well-wishes. xxx

****On another (very sad) note...I just found out that Whitney Houston died. I grew up with her music and have always been in complete awe of her. So so sad that this gorgeous, talented + gifted woman couldn't fight her demons. Isn't it strange how so many otherwise brilliant women make such poor choices in men? I watched her on an Oprah interview after her divorce where she spoke of the private humiliation and abuse she went through in her marriage...it was just heartbreaking to watch. I think, sometimes, when we see these very rich/famous/beautiful/talented people...we tend to forget that underneath all of that are human beings. With hearts + sufferings + vulnerabilities like us all. May you be at peace, now, dear soul.