unearthing oldness and bringing in newness

 

 "To be ourselves causes us to be exiled by many others, and yet to comply with what others want causes us to be exiled from ourselves"

                                               -Dr. Clarissa Pinkola Estes

This past little while has been a huge period of growth for me. It's involved unearthing so many old stories, rewriting new ones and bringing me to a place of right here, right now. I'm giving up (slowly...little by little...bit by bit) all these pieces of who I used to be, who I thought I was, who I wanted to be...and making room for who I really truly am. It's  a process, friends. It really is. But it feels so good to simply embrace...me!!! Some of the things that are facilitating this (somewhat daunting ) process...

*reading. I am a voracious reader and I find, that...for me, books really give me insight, tools, courage, direction. I could go on and on.

* journaling!!!! I write and write + write some more. It's cathartic. I used to diligently do my morning pages for the longest time...then I fell off the wagon + I seriously miss it!!! Gotta get back to doing them but until then...there's nothing I love more than having a cup of tea and writing in my journal. Good stuff!

* photography!!!! Vivienne McMaster's Be Your Own Beloved class. Seriously, folks...this class is opening up my heart + eyes and making space for me to accept who I am right now. Most of the pics in this post are from the class and I am seeing in a new way. Absolutely + totally recommend it!

*painting!!!

 

Getting back in my studio and painting...and just really letting go and enjoying the process. Not really wanting to create a  finished painting...just putting paint on canvas and pulling and pushing...stepping back. Allowing. Seeing what wants to happen.  also...I totally rearranged my studio and I am completely in love with the way things are but...now I want to repaint my walls. Eeeek! All the work??? Taking everything out of the room, all the stuff I have up on my walls. Not sure if I'm going to go that route right now...the walls are a sunshiney, buttery yellow (which I love) but I was thinking I want more of  a neutral in there like a warm and moody gray.

OMG!!!! I can't believe I'm actually posting this on my blog...but it was a seriously fun prompt  from BYOB last week. All my life, I have been  a super girlie girl...and I loved dressing up and taking care of myself. But after I became  a mom...I totally let so much of that go. I became other focused (necessarily so) and with Tim away at work so much, my art, blogging, moving etc...I fell into exhaustion and ...sometimes, laziness. Not to mention the changes in my body post pregnancy...and ageing. It's only been in the last year or so that I very slowly started working my way toward self care. This photo shoot was pure magic for me...I put on some music, had the self timer going...and began playing around. It was so fun!!!

The weather around here has been mirroring my renewal...lots of sunshine, wetness + green = perfect conditions for growth:)

This book has my heart opening like a flower...petal by petal.  It's amazing how a great book can open worlds upon worlds...and bring characters so real into our hearts + lives.How it can slough off old-ness and plant seeds of change that will take root. How I adore books!!!

When we accept our own wild beauty, it is put into perspective, and we are no longer poignantly aware of it anymore, but neither would we forsake it or disclaim it either. ... 
                                                                                                 - Dr. Clarissa Pinkola Estes

blog makeover!!

 

I've been tinkering around with my blog these past few days...I have been wanting to do it for ages but never quite got around to it! I started by writing in my journal what I really wanted my blog to look like, feel like... and inspire. I brainstormed and what I came up with was...heart, authenticity, stories, soul, more art (technique, in progress, completed pieces), larger pics, heart-FULL writing, poetry, light, community...more stories. I'm sure I'm going to make even more (smaller) changes in the next little while. 

I've also been taking tons of pics...trying out new techniques + prompts...seeking light + air + breath. I took this very unconventional mommy/daughter portrait the other day...and I love it!!! Tara and I were making paper hearts when this one fell on the floor...we both went to grab it and then I saw an amazing opportunity in my mind's eye.

Also...can you believe we had a blizzard today??? Yup! It's April!! So we decided to make the best of it...and bake these scrumptious chocolate chip/coconut cookies. Tara loves baking and we've been doing it ever since I can remember; it's one of our fave. things to do. Tara gets so excited...it makes me beam:) All that pouring/measuring/mixing goodness that she can really get her hands into. The best part?? How she's super proud + happy when it's all done.
Happy weekend!!

you do what???? (or...some thoughts on blogging)

One day last week I was chatting with another mom at the bookstore while the girls were playing...and I happened to mention that I have a blog. Well...this lady just about fell off her chair!!! She said "you do what???". She was incredulous...let me just tell you. I tried explaining it to her few times and then just gave up. Some of what she asked /said were..."what a waste of time", "who reads those things anyways" + "why would anyone do that???". But it was all those unsaid words + emotions hanging out in her eyes and posture that spoke volumes. She almost became angry, judgemental and...just a little bit afraid, I think. And I totally understand. I get it. I really really do. A few years ago if someone had told me that I was going to write a blog and send my thoughts, emotions, heart + soul out into the world...I would have probably thrown up from fear. no kidding either.  I would probably have felt more comfortable running around naked in Times Square than exposing my whole entire self this way. But now...just 2+ years after...it feels as easy + natural to me as breathing.

When I first started my blog I had no real plan...I had some vague idea that I wanted to get my art out there, be creatively and intellectually challenged. Plus I had picked up a copy of Artful Blogging a few months back + was totally inspired. But...actually, I had no idea what the hell I was doing!!! All I know is that I was very lonely + isolated. A new mom (Tara was just about to turn 1) trying to cope with a million things at once. Tim was away a lot for work and something in my heart + soul told me to do it. I listened!!! 

Now...here's the thing about blogging (and this is difficult, if not impossible to explain to someone unless they have experienced it for themselves)...but it changed my life!!! And I am not being melodramatic, I swear (although I do have a tendency to be sometimes). But it absolutely changed ...me!!! Now when I look back and read through some of my earlier posts...I see someone in search of her voice. A little unsure, a little desolate + lost...but still...showing up. I see someone who has a sense of humor...and who tries.

Right when I started my blog, I made the decision that I was going to be real. I mean...I wasn't going to put all of this time + energy into something and not be mySELF. It was difficult, don't get me wrong. I mean...who wants to spill out their guts when things aren't quite going right and you feel overwhelmed, depressed, hurting, insecure??? So much easier to hide + pretend. But...how else are you going to seen? I had no interest in portraying my life as perfect or incredibly interesting or or or. And life experiences have taught me that when I am not honest with my feelings...I walk away from mySELF and just increase the pain + isolation of whatever I am feeling. So...blogging became my connection to others but also to mySELF...who I am + who I am becoming.

And so...yes...I did get my art out there but blogging has led me to so much much more. Each and every day I get more brave. I am inspired by so many other incredible souls who are being true to themselves and creating + writing + blogging and ...being real. Each day...I get less judgmental toward myself...kinder and more accepting. I dig deeper into myself to speak my truths no matter how uncomfortable or painful. And even if my words are clumsy...or inadequate...still I try. And the connections that I have made through my little blog have been incredibly rich and real. All the way across oceans and seas...hearts + minds + spirits connect me to soul sisters everywhere.

And this degree of authenticity informs my life in everything I do now. In my art, writing, relationships, marriage, mothering. Everything. And it has made me a far richer person and... stronger.

So...you see...it's pretty difficult to explain to someone who hasn't experienced it what blogging really means to me. The alchemical combination of heart + soul + art + words + connections + authenticity + photography + life + passion + love = magic. So there you go. Just a few of my thoughts on blogging. Now when someone asks me..."you do what????" ...I am going to look them square in the eye and say..."why yes. Yes...I am a blogger". chuckle chuckle.

heart changer

I received this book a few days ago and , while I had absolutely no idea what exactly to expect, I do know that I love Susannah's blog + heart + images. Well..I have been reading this book nonstop and all I can say is this...it is nothing short of revolutionary; life changing + heartchanging. I laughed, I cried...I see mySELF in her words. Yes...it's a book about photography...but so much much more than that. I have tons of books about shutter speeds + F-stops...and of course all the technical stuff is important. But what about our hearts + souls?? What about our heartbreaks? Our life experiences and the totality of who we are as human beings? Everything from mood, lighting, what we choose to include in our photos (+ perhaps more importantly, what we choose to leave out)...all depend on who we are, our emotions and experiences. Our very hearts + souls. Susanah talks honestly (so honestly I am completely in awe + totally inspired) about everything from...

Gee, where would I even begin??

She speaks honestly + bravely about her childhood (abandonment and heartbreak), love + loss, embarrassment + "not being/feeling enough", about bereavement and falling apart and depression and insecurities, ageing + our changing bodies, creative biz, listening to our hearts, being vulnerable, friendships, blogging, belonging to a "tribe of one" ...and this whole messy mixed bag of ...life!!! And, if we are to create meaningful relationships + lives + work and..., don't we have to bring all of who we are into it???? This book is beyond anything I could have imagined...it is chock full of content and is thick and small like a little secret you can fit anywhere. And that is exactly what I have been doing...reading it everywhere...in a coffee shop, in the garden, preparing Tara's breakfast:) Yes people...it's that kind of book!!!

It came at just the right time too...because I have been feeling especially vulnerable, insecure and "not enough" these past few days. Especially as it relates to my art + creative life. I don't know in what direction my art is going, where I want it to go and...since we got back from our trip, I haven't even been in my studio!!! I have 10 hundred million things to do...and even though I was supposed to be taking a computer break last week...I have been spending waaaaay too much time on Pinterest + pissing around on Facebook:) Also been excavating some very painful memories + pieces of my life ... doing the final edit for my interview with Rita Banerji. Telling the absolute truth is painful. Cathartic...but still it hurts. I realise...more than ever...that we are, every single one of us...very fragile + complicated + messy + wonderful + hurt + unique and and and. Thank you Susannah...for your beautiful brave soul, your humor and honesty, for showing us your SELF...I needed the reminder as well as the inspiration. This I know...your book is an absolute heartchanger!!! xxx