on digging deep, setting boundaries and cultivating authenticity

“One of the most calming and powerful actions you can do to intervene in a stormy world is to stand up and show your soul. Struggling souls catch light from other souls who are fully lit and willing to show it" -Dr.Clarissa Pinkola Estes 

I've been doing some of the deep + difficult soul work that has come out of Brene's Lifeclass (one of the best things I'm doing for myself this year!!)...and it's messy! Not a little bit messy either...but big, huge, deep OMG!!! how am I going to wade through this crap kinda' messy! Until I was in my mid thirties, I had no idea what boundaries were! Okay...I knew what they were intellectually but I didn't think I even had the right to say no. I didn't have the constitution to lovingly talk about my feelings and ask for what I needed. And I had no idea what the difference was between guilt and shame because I was consumed by both. So what ended up happening was this right here: it all became a vicious cycle with one feeding into the other. And it was difficult for me to differentiate where one messy emotion started and the other ended; it all became a big huge glob of tangled up guilt/shame/guilt/shame. It was ugly. Then...somewhere in my mid-thirties I had a series of events happen that forced me to wake up. There were a multitude of betrayals and obvious overstepping of boundaries from so many people who were close to me...I couldn't ignore it any longer.  In retrospect I know it was the Universe screaming at me, trying to get my attention: it worked! And ever since then...it has been one slow step (with plenty of regressions!!) toward cultivating authenticity and setting boundaries (I believe the two go together...hand in hand).  And it has been difficult...it still is. Some days there's only a holding on to faith...other days there is a book or  a quote I hold onto for dear life. Sometimes there is a trusted friend I can spill myself open to. But many times...there is pull back to the past and just waiting out the day to start fresh tomorrow. There are times when I feel like no progress has been made at all and, actually, I've regressed ( I hate that!! but...*sigh*...am learning to trust + lean into)! All of these experiences are equally important to the journey...I am finding out. Nothing is wasted. ever. ever. ever.

 Fast forward to...when I became a mother I realized that I absolutely did not want to perpetuate this cycle...and this deep soul work became that much more important...that much more imperative. I couldn't talk or read about authenticity...I had to become authentic and practice it in tiny steps every chance I could.  And it requires courage, it requires risk, falling down, being in the space of "not knowing"...it requires heart! And the people who were not good for me...the people who were so immersed in their own shame (as I was for most of my life) that they tried to shame me??? They all fell by the wayside. When I came across Brene's work way back when I first started my blog...I was truly blown away! Her words spoke to me in a visceral way that, to this day,  is difficult for me to fully articulate. I have read all of her books many times over (complete with sticky notes and highlights!!) and her words continue to help me along this path to a more authentic self. And like I said...it's messy! But a good kind of messy because now I can see, now I have guides and community. And boy! ...does it make all the difference! 

And here's my gorgeous girl from a few weeks ago (with her dolly Emma). There have been so many changes around here... she started wearing glasses which has been an adjustment , she went through a huge (mental) growth spurt and surprises me daily with  her astute observations ...and she's just so funny she cracks us up.

 Thankful and grateful this morning...for the journey.

pause.

 “it is a serious thing // just to be alive / on this fresh morning / in this broken world.”
                                                                                                  -Mary Oliver, Red Bird

I've been slowing down  lately...with lots of morning photowalks, going to bed early, reading and writing. And practicing self care with setting boundaries (more on this soon!), working out, quiet self reflection time  and asking for what I need. Tara is all excited about Halloween, the changing leaves and life in general! I have to say that Fall is quite possibly my fave season...the colors are simply magnificent and can't be ignored; I simply have to stop whatever I'm doing... and be in awe.

I love spending time with my man...deepening our marriage and friendship while expanding our hearts. Marriage has so many levels (I am finding out) . It's a spiritual practice that challenges us to grow and love more deeply. And I am spending time with my girl...baking, reading, making doll furniture(!!) and simply enjoying her. December/January is always a mad rush around here...with Tim's birthday, Xmas and New Years and then my birthday and Tara's!! So enjoying the relative quiet and calm of this time.

chase the light + it will find you! Day #5

 More and more..I am seeing (really seeing...which means putting into practice) how truly essential self care is! To me, my marriage, mothering, creativity, health...everything!!! I am seeing how my needs change from day to day (hour to hour sometimes!) and how I have to listen deeply to the whispers. I am seeing (in retrospect) how many long years of neglecting my needs, of not feeling worthy of asking for what I need and of assuming I don't need self care had left me feeling dried up and spent. I have no idea how I even made it through my teen years without any self care at all...save for my journal/sketchbook. But those very years prepared me for this path I am on right now. Those very years of neglectful apathy planted the seeds of who I am today. Those experiences carved my path. They led me to live in an ashram in my mid twenties...where I could mend my broken spirit, immerse myself in solitude and rest my very weary self. They led me on a  4 month pilgrimage to India where I could find my way back to self. They led me to art, photography, books, writing, seeking the true, committed to lifelong learning and healing. those very experiences of hardship led me to ...chasing light.

Now I am all about discovering the light within and beyond. It's fun! And fills me up to overflowing. Really, friends...it's all about self care as a daily practice and necessity! It doesn't have to be complicated either; actually I find that simplicity is key. It's all about the listening to what we need and then...leaning into those whispers. My top 10 simple acts of self care:
1. writing in my journal
2. going for a walk (now I also incorporate photo walks)
3. exercise!!! most days I need to work out and then...I need to listen to my body when it needs  a rest as well
4. setting boundaries!! So so so important friends!! Can't stress this one enough in terms of what it's done for my peace of heart and mind. No more being overrun by guilt and poor choices feels like a huge deep breath of freedom!
5. reading

6. appreciating simplicity; gratitude as a practice
7. community, tribe, friends, love
8. laughter...and holding hands
9. a cup of tea
10. listening to ourSELVES = honoring ourSELVES. Our intuitive self knows what we need, what we seek, what to leave alone.
 chase the light and it will find you!

self care + what it means to me

I read this post yesterday and I started thinking about all sorts of things...how I practice self care today, how in my earlier lives I had no clue about caring for mySELF; what that even meant or how it applied to me. First of all, let me just say that as difficult as it is for so many women in western cultures to practice self care...in my culture it is not only a completely foreign concept but women who do so are reviled. Worst...they can be killed.
*BTW, I just heart Susannah...how she just puts it out there in the most casual + adorable way.
 In my very early twenties I was too busy surviving emotionally + mentally. Physically too. I had moved out on my own, was in University full time and working 40+ hours a week. I was also trying to cope with the aftermath of my horrendous family life/childhood, put myself through school plus... figure out life. SELF care never even occurred to me. During the summers I worked outrageous hours and spent lavishly on mySELF...buying Italian shoes, expensive clothing, art and wooden sculptures that I really couldn't afford. But it was my way of covering up all of my pain instead of processing it. I wore this heavy mask because I was terrified to show my real self to anyone...especially to mySELF. I had no idea who I was or wanted to be. I only saw mySELF through distorted mirrors; fragments and shards. Other people's perceptions, pains and discontent.
Then...in my mid twenties I went the other way completely...or so it seemed. I simplified...every 6 months I gave away half of all my stuff. I lived in an ashram for many many months. I tried to live  a somewhat austere life...still... with art + books + music but I got rid of everything else. My adage was..if I can't carry it ...it's gotta' go! Which was good because one year...I moved 10 times! Eeeek!  I would meet some guy somewhere, fell madly "in love" and then ...I would just disappear. I hurt a lot of people...myself included. I would feel in my heart that I had to go somewhere and then just pick up and go. Always running away...from mySELF. It was such a painful time but...also full of growth and new experiences.

                                                   
Then...when I turned 30 and spent 4 months on  a solo pilgrimage through India...I started on my creative path. Painting, photography, writing...all gave me an avenue to share my stories and work my way to the heart of who I was.  Once I put paint to paper, I felt that I started nourishing mySELF and paying attention to what I wanted; my true self.
Still...it would be many more years before I actually began to take care of mySELF in any real way. Somewhere in my mid thirties, a number of long term relationships came to an end all at once and the circumstances where so similar that I had to sit up and take notice. I had to learn how to set boundaries ( a foreign concept up until that time!!). So...slowly I was learning how to practice kindness and self care. Fast forward to when I became a mom and everything kicked into high gear exponentially. Here was my precious daughter who needed every ounce of me to be as healthy and together as possible...no more time for bullshit! Everything just fell away...pretense, masks, walls. Everything! I simply wasn't going to tolerate meanness and ugliness in my life anymore. While I know that everyone is doing the best they can at any given moment...I wasn't going to invite/allow unkindness into my life . My priorities changed, I kicked guilt to the curb, severed unhealthy ties and I actually started taking care of me. Friends, this was a radical concept to me!!!

I started my blog when Tara was about a year old and it gave me a voice...it strengthened me. Of course I didn't know it at the time but it was a life line leading me to center. Today...I want to be seen. For who I really am. I am shedding baggage (it's a process!!) and living inside the heart of my truth. Sure...I pamper myself too...a really extravagant hand lotion, a Godiva truffle when I want one, taking  a tech break, spending an ungodly amount of money on books (which I don't regret for even one second). But that's all icing on the cake...for me, it's not the cake! SELF care now means being healthy(exercising + eating right), being true to what I want, defining success for mySELF , being comfortable with all aspects of mySELF (ugly parts and all). It means setting boundaries, showing respect and kindness. It means believing in me. Not going along with what I don't believe or hiding who I really am. It means...being real. For so much of my life I went just went along feigning ignorance, always making excuses for others. But it only led me into a dark corner feeling very isolated.  So now...self care is a practice that I have to constantly work at;  I ask for what I need, speak my truth and sure...I buy a pair of boots now and then:)