on extending my(SELF) some grace

 "I do not understand the mystery of grace-only that it meets us where we are and does not leave us where it found us." -Anne Lamott
 I haven't been here at my blog in forever it seems. This year has been difficult in so many many ways but (as usually seems the case) has also gifted me with tremendous growth. I feel stronger, healthier, more sure of myself. I am carving out a new life for myself and, more importantly, I am setting intentions on what I want my life to look like. Powerful heady stuff!! I have been painting up a storm...experimenting and playing and trying out new techniques and art supplies. I am currently taking a class called A Year of Painting by phenomenal, totally awesome (and way too cute) boho free spirited artist Alena Hennessy. Loving it every step of the way and am ever so grateful that I was gifted this wonderful opportunity. Letting loose, letting go and stepping into possibilities. Feels so good...I can't even begin to articulate. And so I find myself in a very different place than I was just a few short months ago. Grace.

Also...I have been immersing myself in poetry...oh my!!! I usually have a stack of books that are heavy and serious and...quite necessary for me to heal and recover. But about a month ago I decided to switch over to reading only poetry. Maybe for the rest of the summer or...maybe for the rest of the year...who knows?? I discovered Rupi Kaur and she broke my heart wide open with her truthtelling, her way with words. How she gives both gravity and flight to her emotions.
"sometimes
the apology
never comes
when it is wanted
and when it comes
it is neither wanted
or needed
-you are too late" -Rupi Kaur

And we did a bit of traveling...up to the Pacific Northwest...which is so stunningly beautiful I could only be humbled and awestruck... in the truest sense of the word. The trees are giants reaching up to the stars and skies, the waters are vast and ever changing...bursting with life. And this pic right here is Granville Island, Vancouver. I lived here for a year in my late twenties and it was really powerful to see how much my life and SELF have changed from that time. I loved showing Tim and Tara around. So much changes and yet...so much stays the same. Life.

And this sweet girl, this sweet girl...this sweet girl right here!!! How she is growing and blooming and changing right before my very eyes. I'm just trying to take it all in and be present to the joy and playfulness and ...magnificence of it all. She is the heart of our world. Cherished.

And I have really been actively extending myself some grace. Standing more and more in my truth, feet planted firmly on the ground while I reach for the deepest parts of me. Moving more and more away from fear and deeper and deeper into faith. Grateful.

"the world
gives you
so much pain
and here you are
making gold out of it
-there is nothing purer than that" -Rupi Kaur

notes from the journey...2

 "All that you are seeking is also seeking you. If you sit still it will find you. It has been waiting for you for a long time." -Dr. Clarissa Pinkola Estes (WWRWTW)
My healing journey has been unfolding at it's own pace...often taking me to places I prefer not to go...but desperately need to. Where are these places? These places are dark and shrouded in secrecy...my childhood, my past, mySELF. It's taking me to truth...to seeing (really seeing) things as they truly are...not as I would have liked them to be, not as I was told they were...but truth...raw and real has left me wanting to crawl back into the darkness. But the funny thing is...once you initiate the journey to truth...you can't turn back; you can't "un-see" what you see or "un-know" what you know. And another "funny" thing is...they are things you have always deep down known...but decided to hide from yourSELF. Either because you had to in order to physically and psychologically survive your environment...or because it was simply too painful to bring out into the light. But we know...we deep down know. Our body knows, our intuition knows...our very being simply knows. And trusting ourSELVES with what we know is often a first step in healing and empowerment. Deeply listening, honoring and giving voice to our experiences can be the first step to healing.

 “We are not what happened to us,
we are what we wish to become.”- C.G. Jung

  And so, right now, my healing journey has taken me to confronting my shadow. It's difficult and...I don't want to do it. Truthfully...it terrifies me. Which is why I know...this is exactly what I need to be doing. I came across this fearlessly authentic book where Alyce Barry talks (with so much detailed honesty) about her own journey...and it has given me courage to do this work also. It's difficult...and I want to give up every step of the way. Which is exactly why, I deep down know... I must not.

"Do I contradict myself? Very well, then I contradict myself. I am large, I contain multitudes."
                                                                                                                    -Walt Whitman

 
 "I want to think again of dangerous and noble things. 
I want to be light and frolicsome.
I want to be improbable, beautiful and afraid of nothing, 
as though I had wings."
                                                    Mary Oliver
 And the very best reasons that keep me moving forward, inward and toward the light? Right here, right here...right here. 
xxx