"be your own beloved"

It's been ages + ages since I last took an e-course...mostly because don't have the time right now. But also because I haven't come across one recently that has really pulled at me to commit wholeheartedly. Until I saw the Be Your Own Beloved e-class with the sassy + gracious Vivienne. I love her story, her truthtelling, her pics...and of course...her shoes!! I love the way she shares herSELF so openly + freely. And once I read the class content...I just knew in my heart that this is just the absolute right fit for me at this time. I am making time each day for the next month to really look at mySELF with loving kindness and a forgiving eye. I absolutely believe that self portraiture is a tool to heal, nurture, inspire + propel us in new directions...ones we never could have imagined for ourSELVES. If you think this is a class that might pull at your heart as well...it's not too late to sign up...starts tomorrow!!!

seeing ourselves clearly

(a page from my art journal)

For much of my adult life I had 2 diametrically opposing feelings at once: I never felt at home anywhere...and...I felt at home everywhere!! Does that make sense?? Because I had no real sense of belonging anywhere...not to culture or family or country...I could be a chameleon and fit in just about anywhere. Which was kind of nice as I floated around without any anchors or moorings but...it was also very unsettling as I struggled to fit in, belong, find myself and stay grounded all at once. The only thing is...it never worked! I struggled, I ran away and more often than not...I lost myself...over + over + over again.

I would lose mySELF to what I thought others wanted so I could gain acceptance + love. Never happened.  I would lose myself to society's expectations of what I should be (2 cultures at that...Eastern + western!!) and...that never worked out either, to be honest. I would lose myself to boyfriends/friends/lovers...all of their expectations and demands. No win all around...running in circles but never getting closer to the heart of who I am. And then...one day...I was about 35 (???) ...around there, I can't quite remember. But it just kind of happened all at once. I decided to simply be me!!! The decision was easy...the application was not!

 

It was years + years of hard work, of stumblings + backtracks and  tears and uncertainties and...really hard and wearing ...pain. There was a lot of second (+ third!!) guessings. Of ending relationships. Of being alone. Of accepting the moment, the place, the situation that I found myself in. There was a lot of heartbreaks, betrayals, loneliness that was deep + dark + complete that stretched for days + weeks + months ahead. And there was also a whole lot of...ordinary. Which, for me, was a great thing. I craved stability and day to day...ordinary. There was also lot of nurturing, self care + self love. Reading, pampering, listening to music and painting. So...when I met Tim...I was ready. For him, for marriage + family + home + heart. I was ready.

I was ready for my heart to break wide open. I was ready to be imperfect and vulnerable and...real. And it's difficult...it's a practice...every single day. But it's worth it. For me and the people I love...it's so worth it. I want my daughter to see herSELF clearly too. Not through my eyes + my expectations...but through her own eyes. With infinite love. xxx

around here lately...

there has been a shifting in my heart...in my spirit + mental space. I am making room for growth, looking at things differently and ...being present. I am standing at the edge of where I used to be and...not quite knowing the direction I'm heading...but having full faith and trust in the process. Taking tiny steps, not over thinking everything, inviting play and abundance into my life.

 Loving this inspiration house...a gift from my sweet friend Dee.

Tara decorating her easel chair. I heart how she has her own style:)

Enjoying the stark beauty of the still winter trees around here. I love their bare bones...reaching up to the evening skies.

Eating super healthy around here. Smoothies for breakfast and I try to have a veggie juice during the day as well. Also...I am rediscovering the many health benefits of coconut oil. I discovered this brand and it is so delicious...pure ambrosia!!!

It's not sandal weather yet but at least the snow has all melted (for now!!) and there's green grass.

*happy weekend friends:) 

"real life" + "blog life" = my life

 I watched this TED talk a few weeks back and it resonated with me...big time. If you have an online life(blog, website, twitter account etc)...I urge you to watch it!! Not only did it open my eyes but...it really was a series of AHA moments. Not only did I separate my "online life" and my "real life"  but I also felt guilty for it!!!  In the beginning...

when I started my blog...I had absolutely no idea how powerful it would become in my life. Tara was about to turn one and the preceding year was filled with all the new joys and challenges of motherhood. I loved being a mom...adored being this little girl's mommy...there was absolutely no question about that!! But there were long and deep struggles...of identity and new roles. There was a sense of isolation and difficulties. And there were very negative experiences and people that were in my life at the time who were not serving me or my family in any positive way at all. All in all...this time was characterized by paradox upon paradox as I navigated my way into all the new parts + pieces of my SELF.The self that was yet to emerge. It was a time of birth + a time of dying. And so...I started  my blog with some (very) vague idea of "getting my art out there" and forming some sort of a community etc. In actuality...I had no idea what I was doing!!! But I did make 2 promises to myself...

1. I was going to be true. I mean...okay...you don't have to disclose every single detail about everything...but I was going to be honest, authentic and...me!!! Because...well, who else was I gonna' be????
2. I was going to stay the course. Through difficult times and lack of sleep and whatever came up...I was going to do my very best to commit to blogging. My gut just told me that I needed to do that. It was, simultaneously, an anchor and charting a new course.
So I started blogging...very timidly, I might add. I started sharing bits and pieces of me + my life and my thoughts + heart. But in those first few months (year??) ..there was a sort of embarrassment about me blogging. There was an internalized message (an old story playing in the deepest recesses of my heart) of who would want to read this, I have nothing important to say, I should be doing other (ie. "better"/more important) things with my life, what a waste of time etc etc. But I yearned for support + community + artistic expression and so...I kept on keeping on.

and then something magical happened along the way. I started showing up...on my blog and in my ("real") life. I wanted to be seen and I wanted to see others. I wanted connection + community + authenticity. And I got it!!! I started meeting people online and this spilled into "real" life and phone conversations and coffee and heart + soul. I also started connecting to the deepest parts of mySELF with vulnerability and courage. I started blooming...and growing...and shedding + daring + connecting. Creating my online life opened up a whole new world for me...one that I could participate in right from my studio:) And the blur between my "real life" + my "online life" started getting pretty fuzzy.

 

I started to remember that I actually had a path!!! and then...to follow it...wholeheartedly. I wanted to truth-tell and share my stories. It is almost impossible to describe the alchemical magic that happens when you dare to be who you truly are!!! It takes faith...no? And big huge courage. In small steps of course:)

More + more...they merged until there was no difference.and while just a couple of short years ago (before I got on Twitter)  a creative friend and I were discussing how we just couldn't imagine tweeting about breakfast or a walk or...but here I am doing that very thing!!! And while it is narcissistic ...it's also very Zen. Taking pictures and documenting my life forces me to be present and appreciate this moment. I see beauty all around me in all of the mundane yet beautiful aspects of my day...Tara clapping and singing, winter trees or the light hitting so.And after listening to this TED talk I realize how precious this opportunity is...this ability we have to create a blog and the vital connections it provides us with. We can choose to use technology, who we allow into our spaces and how we define "reality"...For me... This is my real life:)

O' Keeffe Country

"It was all so far away-there was quiet and an untouched feel to the country and I could work as I pleased."    -Georgia O'Keeffe
We are so fortunate that we live fairly close to New Mexico-just a 6 hour drive with plenty of stops to walk, absorb the gorgeous open landscape and have impromptu picnics. This trip was totally spur of the moment because Tim had some time off work. I love the earthiness of this place...the vast, stark + elemental beauty...and of course...the art!! Oozing out of every corner...wondrous...worlds upon worlds of...luscious, larger than life, beautiful...art!!!

The weather was beautiful...green grass + sunshine made me feel like a new woman:) Seriously! Just basking in the golden light...catching up on cloud gazing, reading, snoozing, tea drinking, snuggling and such.

"Feet, what do I need you for when I have wings to fly?" -Frida Kahlo
Self portrait with Frida. How I love this woman...

" If I didn't have my camera to remind me constantly, I am here to do this, I would eventually have slipped away, I think. I would have forgotten my reason to exist." - Annie Leibovitz 
 There is an Annie Leibovitz exhibition (Pilgrimage)at the O' Keeffe museum. On this trip, I managed to see quite a few iconic photography exhibitions and they opened up my world...my heart...my eyes...my mind! So very thankful. .

We ate outdoors as much as possible...slightly windy but...sunshine, sunshine, sunshine made my heart sing!

Like I said...there is art everywhere! Photography, murals, sculpture...just soaking it all up. And, of course, Tara couldn't resist touching this gorgeous mosaic!

 

 We do not inherit the earth from our ancestors, we borrow it from our children. 

                                                                                                                 -Native American Proverb

HAPPY EARTH DAY everyone!!!

blog makeover!!

 

I've been tinkering around with my blog these past few days...I have been wanting to do it for ages but never quite got around to it! I started by writing in my journal what I really wanted my blog to look like, feel like... and inspire. I brainstormed and what I came up with was...heart, authenticity, stories, soul, more art (technique, in progress, completed pieces), larger pics, heart-FULL writing, poetry, light, community...more stories. I'm sure I'm going to make even more (smaller) changes in the next little while. 

I've also been taking tons of pics...trying out new techniques + prompts...seeking light + air + breath. I took this very unconventional mommy/daughter portrait the other day...and I love it!!! Tara and I were making paper hearts when this one fell on the floor...we both went to grab it and then I saw an amazing opportunity in my mind's eye.

Also...can you believe we had a blizzard today??? Yup! It's April!! So we decided to make the best of it...and bake these scrumptious chocolate chip/coconut cookies. Tara loves baking and we've been doing it ever since I can remember; it's one of our fave. things to do. Tara gets so excited...it makes me beam:) All that pouring/measuring/mixing goodness that she can really get her hands into. The best part?? How she's super proud + happy when it's all done.
Happy weekend!!

finding my way back to center

 

"Are my boots old? Is my coat torn?
Am I no longer young, and still half-perfect? Let me
keep my mind on what matters,
which is my work,
which is mostly standing still and learning to be
astonished." -Mary Oliver, The Messenger  
*one of my fave poems!

Little by little... I am finding my way back to center...that place that is still, that is calm, that simply is. Sometimes...I stray away from what I know to be true and I get burnt out and overwhelmed. So these days I am falling into what I know works for me...surrounding mySELF with love, acceptance, gratitude, nature, books, reading poetry aloud, writing in my journal, eating healthy, walks, joy, laughter, sleep. Simply sitting and immersing myself into the grandeur around me. Filling mySELF up. 

 

Seeing the beauty that is within all of us...the grace that we can find living and breathing inside of each moment...if we pay attention to it. Maybe it's the laughter of a child...with eyes sparkling...or the rays of sun pouring through a window...or a warm and heartful hug. More + more...I am learning it's the ordinary stuff of life that fuels me.

I have been experimenting with mixed media pieces...little wall hangings I stitched up. This one here reads "Faith in her Path" and I used little pieces of fabric along with one of my prints. I love the way it turned out and am going to keep on trying out different combinations of found fabrics.

Practicing self kindness in my portraits. So important, don't you think? I absolutely want to take this class...I love the content and think it will open up a whole new direction with my photography.

Quiet time with a coffee + my journal

I have been rewriting my stories. You know...the ones that were not mine to begin with. The ones that keep me locked up. The ones I don't need anymore; I can write my own now, thank you very much.

 

And spending time with my family. Tara had a spa night at our library this weekend and she had such a blast!!! We are super involved with our library and this event was to promote early literacy...so they had tons of fun stuff for kids to do!!! Of course, as you can see,  Tara was in full princess mode...with crown, shoes and everything pink + sparkly.

I have been sketching with watercolors, graphites and pens. Experimenting with colors, shadows and skin tones. Love the freedom of my sketchbook and this little Moleskin goes with me everywhere!!!

 

 A simple walk...breathing in the trees + sky ...makes everything right with the world.

 

 

"Your sacred space is where you can find yourself again and again."

                                                                    -Joseph Campbell   

And this is a self portrait I took just a few minutes ago in my studio. I'm a little tired...and I need to pluck my eyebrows! Oh well...I am finding my way back to center.  Hello world...I am enough...and so are you:)

ebb and flow

These past many weeks have seen me struggling with juggling too many things...and carrying heavy loads of guilt, overwhelm and exhaustion. I have constantly thought of putting my art on hold and have gone back and forth...to infinity. It's a deep and painful struggle and I'm not going to pretend otherwise. . I can't keep on going the way I have these past many months...so I have had to scale back a bit. Both in terms of getting into my studio as well as writing my blog posts. But I decided that's okay. This is where I am in my life right now...and it's all about leaning into the ebbs and flows. Everything changes...and that's a great thing. Our days over here are filled to the brim with dress up and fairies, dancing and storytelling, art making and watching birds. And driving Tara to her classes, the library...play dates. Before I became a parent I simply couldn't imagine me spending my days this way...but now it seems the most natural thing in the world!

I also have started reading this book...why did I wait so long??? It kind of came to me via synchronicity (a long story best left for another time) and i am ever so grateful. It's written in such a down to earth + compassionate way...I feel as if Brene is sitting right across from me having a good old chat. It's absolutely the thing I need right now!!! It's all about embracing our imperfections and vulnerabilities for the gifts they are. As it says right here on the cover...it's about "letting go of who you think you're supposed to be and embracing who you are". Essentially...it's about being okay with being yourSELF. Warts...gifts and all. Another heart changer:)

And Tara has been creating up a storm these days. I moved her large easel to a bay window with tons of natural light and set up a little artist station for her. She has access to most of her art stuff whenever she wants. Sweet birdie loves mixed media...she loves combining crayons, markers and paints. And of course... if it's pink + sparkly...it's a hit! I have her write the date on the back, sign it when she's done and then...we hang it all over the house. When she meets new people, she often declares "I'm an artist!". Which makes mamma  super duper sparkly happy:)