(a page from my art journal)
For much of my adult life I had 2 diametrically opposing feelings at once: I never felt at home anywhere...and...I felt at home everywhere!! Does that make sense?? Because I had no real sense of belonging anywhere...not to culture or family or country...I could be a chameleon and fit in just about anywhere. Which was kind of nice as I floated around without any anchors or moorings but...it was also very unsettling as I struggled to fit in, belong, find myself and stay grounded all at once. The only thing is...it never worked! I struggled, I ran away and more often than not...I lost myself...over + over + over again.
I would lose mySELF to what I thought others wanted so I could gain acceptance + love. Never happened. I would lose myself to society's expectations of what I should be (2 cultures at that...Eastern + western!!) and...that never worked out either, to be honest. I would lose myself to boyfriends/friends/lovers...all of their expectations and demands. No win all around...running in circles but never getting closer to the heart of who I am. And then...one day...I was about 35 (???) ...around there, I can't quite remember. But it just kind of happened all at once. I decided to simply be me!!! The decision was easy...the application was not!
It was years + years of hard work, of stumblings + backtracks and tears and uncertainties and...really hard and wearing ...pain. There was a lot of second (+ third!!) guessings. Of ending relationships. Of being alone. Of accepting the moment, the place, the situation that I found myself in. There was a lot of heartbreaks, betrayals, loneliness that was deep + dark + complete that stretched for days + weeks + months ahead. And there was also a whole lot of...ordinary. Which, for me, was a great thing. I craved stability and day to day...ordinary. There was also lot of nurturing, self care + self love. Reading, pampering, listening to music and painting. So...when I met Tim...I was ready. For him, for marriage + family + home + heart. I was ready.
I was ready for my heart to break wide open. I was ready to be imperfect and vulnerable and...real. And it's difficult...it's a practice...every single day. But it's worth it. For me and the people I love...it's so worth it. I want my daughter to see herSELF clearly too. Not through my eyes + my expectations...but through her own eyes. With infinite love. xxx