One day last week I was chatting with another mom at the bookstore while the girls were playing...and I happened to mention that I have a blog. Well...this lady just about fell off her chair!!! She said "you do what???". She was incredulous...let me just tell you. I tried explaining it to her few times and then just gave up. Some of what she asked /said were..."what a waste of time", "who reads those things anyways" + "why would anyone do that???". But it was all those unsaid words + emotions hanging out in her eyes and posture that spoke volumes. She almost became angry, judgemental and...just a little bit afraid, I think. And I totally understand. I get it. I really really do. A few years ago if someone had told me that I was going to write a blog and send my thoughts, emotions, heart + soul out into the world...I would have probably thrown up from fear. no kidding either. I would probably have felt more comfortable running around naked in Times Square than exposing my whole entire self this way. But now...just 2+ years after...it feels as easy + natural to me as breathing.
When I first started my blog I had no real plan...I had some vague idea that I wanted to get my art out there, be creatively and intellectually challenged. Plus I had picked up a copy of Artful Blogging a few months back + was totally inspired. But...actually, I had no idea what the hell I was doing!!! All I know is that I was very lonely + isolated. A new mom (Tara was just about to turn 1) trying to cope with a million things at once. Tim was away a lot for work and something in my heart + soul told me to do it. I listened!!!Now...here's the thing about blogging (and this is difficult, if not impossible to explain to someone unless they have experienced it for themselves)...but it changed my life!!! And I am not being melodramatic, I swear (although I do have a tendency to be sometimes). But it absolutely changed ...me!!! Now when I look back and read through some of my earlier posts...I see someone in search of her voice. A little unsure, a little desolate + lost...but still...showing up. I see someone who has a sense of humor...and who tries.
Right when I started my blog, I made the decision that I was going to be real. I mean...I wasn't going to put all of this time + energy into something and not be mySELF. It was difficult, don't get me wrong. I mean...who wants to spill out their guts when things aren't quite going right and you feel overwhelmed, depressed, hurting, insecure??? So much easier to hide + pretend. But...how else are you going to seen? I had no interest in portraying my life as perfect or incredibly interesting or or or. And life experiences have taught me that when I am not honest with my feelings...I walk away from mySELF and just increase the pain + isolation of whatever I am feeling. So...blogging became my connection to others but also to mySELF...who I am + who I am becoming.
And so...yes...I did get my art out there but blogging has led me to so much much more. Each and every day I get more brave. I am inspired by so many other incredible souls who are being true to themselves and creating + writing + blogging and ...being real. Each day...I get less judgmental toward myself...kinder and more accepting. I dig deeper into myself to speak my truths no matter how uncomfortable or painful. And even if my words are clumsy...or inadequate...still I try. And the connections that I have made through my little blog have been incredibly rich and real. All the way across oceans and seas...hearts + minds + spirits connect me to soul sisters everywhere.
And this degree of authenticity informs my life in everything I do now. In my art, writing, relationships, marriage, mothering. Everything. And it has made me a far richer person and... stronger.
So...you see...it's pretty difficult to explain to someone who hasn't experienced it what blogging really means to me. The alchemical combination of heart + soul + art + words + connections + authenticity + photography + life + passion + love = magic. So there you go. Just a few of my thoughts on blogging. Now when someone asks me..."you do what????" ...I am going to look them square in the eye and say..."why yes. Yes...I am a blogger". chuckle chuckle.