soraya nulliah: something like...grace

“I do not understand the mystery of grace -- only that it meets us where we are and does not leave us where it found us.” - Anne Lamott

This past week has been an absolute roller coaster of emotions. Tim had major surgery this week and even though we have known about it for months and had been preparing ourselves in every possible way...the flood of emotions that overtook us all came as a surprise. Honestly...It was the whole bag!! Fear, gratitude, exhaustion, love...and something like...grace. Within the span of a few days, I felt layers and layers just peel off of me. I grew up in a family that was very secretive about illnesses. There was am airtight seal of denial, pretense and a whole lot of shame that always accompanied any sort of illness. As a child I couldn't make any sense of it ...it was really quite bizarre and very unhealthy. There was an unspoken rule about not being allowed to be vulnerable...not being able to ask for and seek help. In reality...not being allowed to be human. In this past week...all of that came crumbling down for me. I was ever so grateful for community and truth-telling...for being able to lean on someone and cry. For being able to ask for what I needed and...actually receive it! For allowing myself to feel all of my emotions and release them, for being weak when I was and strong when I was. The layers all just peeled off. It allowed me to be present for Tim and Tara...as well as myself. Grateful, grateful + grateful. This entire experience taught me to lean into my strengths, give voice to my vulnerabilities and be in the now. Gifts...all.