My He(ART)-Full Life

Tuesday, July 29, 2014

journeying into the light

"We have stories to tell, stories that provide wisdom about the journey of life. What more have we to give one another than our 'truth' about our human adventure as honestly and as openly as we know how?" - Rabbi Saul Rubin
 I've been sorting through all of Tara's pics lately and came across this one right here...when she was about 5 months old. The thing is...I remember ever single aspect of this day...this very moment and it really does seem like yesterday. We, none of us, can fathom the mysteries of time...only that it passes. And passes. and passes. Here I was ...all of 40 years old...but still a very new mother. Blissed out, exhausted, unsure of myself, learning to trust my instincts while stumbling + falling every step of the way. And completely cocooned in the world of new motherhood. What I didn't know at the time was the transformation that lay ahead for me...the utter and complete dissolution of who I had been up to that point...and the (often slow) rebuilding of mySELF. This little girl right here birthed me more than I did her. She came into my life and ushered me into the light. Every time I faltered and was her precious spirit that lifted me up and carried me to a stronger place. A place where I could grow, bloom, thrive...a place where I could seek out all of the precious jewels within mySELF and wear them proudly. I had to begin to come to terms with my extremely abusive and highly dysfunctional childhood, I had to lift myself out of denial...and  really see the truth about my past with deep courage and insight...I had to do a lot of letting go, a lot of restructuring...a lot of crying and coming to terms with things as they really were...not as I would have liked them to be. Most importantly...I had to see the truth about mySELF. I had to begin the journey of becoming fully human; compassionate, joyful, brave, truthful, vulnerable...I started walking into the light. At was terrifying, blinding, uncomfortable. I wanted to turn back to the safety and familiarity of the darkness...of course I did! But with each baby step...I went on and on and on. There was no map. I got lost. I stumbled along, I fell...I fell again.And again...and again.  And what happened was this: each time I  questioned my journey, each time I wanted to turn back or give up altogether...I was met with grace. Nothing short of sheer grace.

And here we are...just a few days ago...and this sweet, beautiful girl continues to lead me. She lives in the's who she is. She teaches me how to be present, how to love with a wide open heart without fear or hesitation. She teaches me how to be authentic, strong, joyful. She teaches me how to claim all of my gifts with apology or negation...she teaches me how to live. And so we continue to journey together...into the light.

And Tim and I just celebrated our 7 year wedding anniversary. We have grown so much together over these years...meeting each other in all of our places. We've had our ups and downs like everyone else...but we have come through on the other side more in love with each other. Truly...I wouldn't be the woman I am today without him.Grateful.  xxx

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