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Then I came across this poem:
"I go where I love and where I am loved,
into the snow:
I go to the things I love
with no thought of duty or pity" -H.D. The Flowering of the Rod
And I realized...I love painting!!!! I love opening jars of paint, love looking at paint...dipping paintbrush and fingers into colors...vermillion, ochres....magentas. Love creating!!!!! Love bringing from...nothing...something. I love my creative life...with all of it's frustrations and tears. With all of the insecurities and deep rooted anxieties. With all the joy + love + excitements + surprises. I lean into all of it with the deepest longings of my deepest heart. So...it's not really about achieving all of my goals, or getting published (although that is super duper sweet!) or or or...It's about knowing that I am living my life exactly the way want to...on my own terms. It's about putting one foot in front of the other...daring greatly (both my word for the year and a book that I adore) along the way. It's about tossing my hat in the ring, living authentically and doing my best. And with that...I feel deeply in awe and full of gratitude that I actually get to create.
I am ecstatic to get back to my studio table...to open up my jars of paint, turn on my music...with sunlight streaming through my windows....and put paint to canvas. I am forging new paths...creatively and otherwise and it feels great. Scary!!! But also...great; alive!!! Stepping out of my comfort zone and... into the unknown. Immersing mySELF in nature and light + music + books...poetry and writing. Artist dates and mothering and marriage. Allowing.