my girl

My girl is growing up so so fast...truly...too fast for my liking! We took her to Disney World for her 6th birthday and as I look back on all these years gone by...I am amazed at the person she is! While I miss her baby years...of course!!!...sweet baby smells and carrying her around and taking baths with her and and and. But I also relish in the NOW of her. She is energetic, sassy, strong willed, incredibly smart and sweet and ...just an amazing little kid. She asks 10 million questions and I try to answer them as best as I can. We have long conversations about everything. She tells me all the stuff that's important to her (tooth fairies, princesses, trees, her friends, ice cream) and I listen and marvel. Nothing makes me happier than seeing her eyes light up, a huge smile spreading over her gorgeous face...hearing her laugh. Watching her grow and bloom and blossom is a true privilege for me. All the more because I gave birth at the age of 40...she is a gift. Not that mothering has been easy for me; it actually has been incredibly difficult in a myriad of ways. I have made so many mistakes along the way and what I am just now discovering is this: the very best thing I can do is to heal myself. To practice self love...to forgive myself as often as necessary. To be self compassionate. To really and truly be kind to myself and to be very clear about what that entails (for me). To be absolutely truthful with myself. To offer mySELF some grace when I stumble and fall as I inevitable will. Practicing all of these things will inevitably make me a healthier, stronger human/mother/wife/friend/artist/writer etc. 

And here is my sweet girl...very independent and self assured...wanting to navigate the world on her own terms. So many many times...she teaches me. And I am grateful for the lessons and for the opportunity to fully love.

navigating without a map: day #29

 Motherhood has probably been the defining experience in my life...the catalyst for growth and transformation unparalleled by any other event ...yet a lot of times, it feels so much like navigating without a map, like walking in the dark...like not knowing what to do. When I think back to Tara's first few months...those heady times of new motherhood...I smile ...but with some sadness too. The days are long....but the years are all too short, I am discovering.

And now...I have some huge decisions to make regarding the year coming up...and I struggle without a map...just the direction I want to go in. Of course, I want to make the very best decisions for Tara and our family...but how do I know what that is??? I read, I talk to friends, Tim and I discuss things ad infinitum and then...what I am left with are the whispers in my heart...telling me..."go this way" ..."go that way" . And being scared of making the wrong decisions. While motherhood feels like an expansion of my self, of my life + spirit...it also magnifies my fears. Every day I make a multitude of mistakes (as we all do) ...but then I wake up the next morning..and (with all of who I am) I try...I try again. And maybe that's what counts more than the actual decisions we make...is the intention, the showing up...the love with which we do things. that's what I'm hoping, friends. But for now..I struggle with doing the very best I can, knowing that's all I can offer up. And hoping ...hoping...it's enough. That I'm enough.

heart full of hope, mothering, unplugged

   (She has a heart full of hope and a pocket-ful of dreams, archival prints available here!)

"Be patient toward all that is unsolved in your heart and try to love the questions themselves, like locked rooms and like books that are now written in a very foreign tongue. Do not now seek the answers, which cannot be given you because you would not be able to live them. And the point is, to live everything. Live the questions now. Perhaps you will then gradually, without noticing it, live along some distant day into the answer."       - Rainer Maria Rilke 

These days my interior world is opening up in ways I never could have imagined; rich, deep and full of valuable treasures. I see now that absolutely nothing in the psyche is ever lost. That every single person and experience has been in my life for a reason; to bring me closer and closer to mySELF. To the self I am meant to be. It is like that for us all...if we open our inner eyes, trust ourSELVES and bring our heart to all things we do. I am not even searching for answers right now...but simply soaking into the questions. Asking myself what do I really want, what are my dreams, how do I want to live this life of mine, what kind of legacy do I want to leave, how do I want Tara to remember me...? For too too many years I have asked the absolute wrong questions and then chased after the (wrong!) answers. No more. There is so much hope in my heart now because...I am simply trusting in the process...and listening to my heart.
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(last week sometime)

Navigating parenthood (and toddler hood!!) with Tara is all about giving her little bits of independence. She's not a baby anymore but "Tara-poo, thank you very much" . And no "kissies and huggies pleeeeze"; for the most part she has to initiate it. As I see it, a large part of my duty as a mother is to bring her to the doorstep of  her own power. I want her to be her shining bright self no matter what she chooses to do in life. I want so much for her to live out her dreams and goals...no matter what they may be. I want her to be her very best Self and always speak her truth. As her little personality develops, she continues to surprise us with her tenacity, courage and daring spirit. I only have a short time to shape her world...and I want it to be fertile ground that she can bloom in. Stories, poems, nature, spirit, art making,  mistakes, learning, talking to trees and the moon, kindness, courage, 2 feet planted in the earth and her aim for the stars, dancing, truth-telling, vulnerability... listening to the wild wolf inside...all fertile ground. It's a learning process for our whole family, let me tell you,  as we forge this path of parenthood.

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(yesterday afternoon?)

We are leaving for the mountains early on Friday morning...going totally unplugged for a few days. I am packing a couple of books, my journal, camera and..not much else!  Plan on doing absolutely nothing but relax:) I am hoping for lots and lots of sleep, laid back hikes, sunshine, laughter and fresh mountain air. 4 whole days of rejuvenation= bliss! Will be back here in this space on Tues. of next week so...I hope you all have a great weekend and unplug a little too. xxx