navigating without a map: day #29

 Motherhood has probably been the defining experience in my life...the catalyst for growth and transformation unparalleled by any other event ...yet a lot of times, it feels so much like navigating without a map, like walking in the dark...like not knowing what to do. When I think back to Tara's first few months...those heady times of new motherhood...I smile ...but with some sadness too. The days are long....but the years are all too short, I am discovering.

And now...I have some huge decisions to make regarding the year coming up...and I struggle without a map...just the direction I want to go in. Of course, I want to make the very best decisions for Tara and our family...but how do I know what that is??? I read, I talk to friends, Tim and I discuss things ad infinitum and then...what I am left with are the whispers in my heart...telling me..."go this way" ..."go that way" . And being scared of making the wrong decisions. While motherhood feels like an expansion of my self, of my life + spirit...it also magnifies my fears. Every day I make a multitude of mistakes (as we all do) ...but then I wake up the next morning..and (with all of who I am) I try...I try again. And maybe that's what counts more than the actual decisions we make...is the intention, the showing up...the love with which we do things. that's what I'm hoping, friends. But for now..I struggle with doing the very best I can, knowing that's all I can offer up. And hoping ...hoping...it's enough. That I'm enough.