living true

(living true, archival prints available here!!)

 When I was in my twenties, I didn't even think about what living authentically was! Did you? I was too busy getting by; trying to find my way...trying to find mySELF. To be quite honest, I was just trying to heal and make sense of the world and... life. I had such deep pockets of pain locked away in my heart...I was simply unable to live from a place of joy and truth. So what inevitably happened was that I was living a life based on my past; based on other people's definition of me. There was no direction or clarity of purpose...just floating around in a sea of unhappiness.

And then my thirties rolled around and I found mySELF in quite the opposite direction. I analysed everything to death!!! I thought through choices and outcomes and and and...on and on. UGH!! It was so draining let me tell you! Being stuck in righteousness is not a pretty place to be!! It really all came down to me not trusting mySELF. However, in retrospect, all important steps on my journey.

Now...living authentically is bare bones simple. It all comes down to making the best choice in the moment. Not thinking about things as much as listening to my heart and intuition. I mean...of course thinking things through (!!!) but also-equally- listening to my deepest self. It all comes down to leading the very best life I can...in being the best person (wife, mamma, artist, friend...) I can be. It comes from not wanting another person's journey in any way, shape or form but simply accepting my very own path. It means-in the very deepest sense-honouring my stories and mySELF. What does "living true" mean to you?
P.S. These are some of the stories behind my new painting...living true 

"learning to love you more"

(awakening to the fullness of herSELF, archival prints available here!)

"If you cannot find the truth right here where you are,

Where else do you expect to find it?"

                                                            -Dogen

Awaking to the fullness of who we are requires us to be truthful...to everyone in our lives but most importantly, to ourSELVES. I have spent years- it seems like lifetimes, really -telling mySELF all sorts of lies. Some were big, huge lies such as pretending to be someone I am not just to please or gain approval and acceptance. Have you ever done that? I think most of us have at some point and some of us spend all our lives like this. There were also the insidious lies along the way that added up. Lies such as I am inadequate, unworthy and not enough. Lies of pretending I wasn't smart, independent or strong. Lies of stuffing down my thoughts and feelings. Lies of tolerating things I never should have. My twenties were full of all kinds of lies. Even a large portion of my 30's. But in the heart of all of our missteps, mistakes and regret, lie the seeds of our fullness. In the very fruit of these lies are the seeds of our growth. Because I have lived in such darkness, I thirst for the light of my fullness. It is difficult...there is no getting around that part. Inevitably there are going to be people who are not going to be happy with my truth-telling and light-seeking. But that's okay. It really is.

(exhibit as seen at SFMOMA)

My fullness requires heart, courage, truth-telling and grace. My light requires art-making and poetry, a community of kindreds, roses and love-making, soul shining and ...breathing. It seeks dancing in the rain, a good hug, a meaningful conversation. It requires being seen and seeing another.

Setting boundaries too-very important. Kindness and grace. Honoring my past. It means acknowledging my gifts and talents. My fullness also includes my shame, insecurities, inadequacies and pain...my bitterness and anger. They are our teachers and I want to sit down with them and get to know them intimately. It requires...all of me. You fullness may look and feel very different...it is as individual as we are.

This I know...awakening to our fullness is the greatest gift we can give to ourSELVES, our loved ones and...the world.

creative voice+ courage= fly!

                                                   (Courage to Find her Creative Voice, 
                                              mixed media, archival prints available here!)
I wrote this post when I first started my blog and I hardly had anyone reading so I wanted to re-post it. It still holds true for me (maybe even more so) today and I know so many of us are searching for our creative voices. For me, it has been a very personal  journey; one that has been full of shaky self confidence, doubts and fears. But I find that the more I use my creative voice, the stronger She becomes. It requires us to be vulnerable, wise, trusting, brave, authentic... whether it's in our writing, our art making, our relationships, our loving.  We are all works in progress...growing and evolving...taking tiny steps on this journey. Here is the post in it's entirety.
 Blogging has given me the courage to find my creative voice. I have always loved photography, painting, drawing, sketching and the written word. Here on my blog, I can develop, combine, explore and share all of this. Just a few days ago I was seriously considering shutting down my blog. Not that I don't appreciate and love this sacred space that I have created...but I was feeling overwhelmed with all that I have going on right now. I happened to pick up the current issue of Artful Blogger and as I read through the articles I realized that, through my blog, I am developing my creative voice.  When I started out, I had no idea this would happen but I find myself going down the magical road of discovery.

                                               (full-of-courage-Tara ...flying!) 
 Here I can explore ideas, post photos, write out my innermost thoughts and dreams or even the mundane aspects of my life. It is narcissistic, yes, but it also stokes the fires of creativity. Here there are communities of artists, writers, photographers...all willing to share, encourage, reach out...Through my blog I can participate in group events and challenges, read and comment on others' blogs and learn, learn, learn!! Here I can see the world through the eyes of each unique individual and share my creative voice and vision as well. I am going to cultivate this sacred space and see where it takes me...both within and outside myself...I am finding the courage to develop my creative voice and it feels good and powerful and right.

                                   (The painting reads "you have wings to fly...FLY"
                                I painted the original for Tara and it hangs in her nursery. 
                                                    Archival prints available here!)

LATER:  Okay, I have been thinking about this post and want to add that by no means does this mean that I don’t have fears about this whole process. Nor does it mean that I don’t have those “monsters under the bed” taking all sorts of shapes and voices. What it does mean is that my creative voice is getting stronger every day, with every post I write, with every act of vulnerability and honesty. Every time I reach out to another blogger, participate in a challenge or encourage and share with someone else-my creative voice thrives and takes on a life of it’s own. It springs forth as a flower in full bloom, maybe even a tree! So now when those “weeds” of negativity spring forth, I don’t feed or pay attention to them. They will probably always be there but get smaller and more insignificant with time as my creative voice gets stronger. This is made all the more powerful by the fact that I come from a culture and family of origin where women are not given a voice, where it is looked upon as a horrible act (punishable by all forms of violence and ostracism) for a woman to be outspoken, intelligent, strong, honest, original, forthright…So the act of me cultivating my creative voice is not only important, it is lifesaving.

 

(it takes courage to create)

                                                                

"bird on your shoulder"

I just caught the last little bit of Tuesdays with Morrie. I read the book..quite a few years back and there are so many gems of truth that really speak to me. We live in culture that hides, denies, lies about death. We really do. We want to live forever but...we don't want to age! We either never really think we are going to die...or that it is so far away we don't pay much attention to it. But we never really know, do we?

(archival print availble here)

There is  a line in the movie where Morrie talks about "a bird on your shoulder". He explains that Buddhists imagine  there is a bird on their shoulder and every morning..they ask...is this my last day, am I ready for death? He says...we would live our lives very differently if we acknowledged that...life is finite. We would ask questions like "what does my heart really tell me", "what am I scared of and why?". We wouldn't save up our joy for special occasions like Xmas and birthdays...we would practice courageous living every day...every moment. That's what I want to do...I know (for me) it gets difficult when things are super hectic and I am stressed and Tara is right smack in the middle of  a tantrum...But with all my heart...I want to just be able to take a deep breath and realise what a gift life is...right in that very moment . I won't be here forever ...to calm her down, hold her, love her, kiss her. I really won't...and that makes all the difference...doesn't it? Just that perspective alone...changes me. I am going to practice...living with  a bird on my shoulder.

on things left undone...

Sometimes...there are things left undone...do you know what I mean? There are goodbyes that aren't said, there are things in a muddle...there is uncertainty, regret, trepidation. Sometimes there is no closure...only jagged edges and emotions raw and fragile. Sometimes there is woulda', coulda', shoulda' and...remorse and bitterness for words left unsaid and feelings hidden. Sometimes there are no clean and tidy edges, no black and white, no straight lines. Sometimes...there is messiness, doubt and fogginess. Conversations unfinished...words hanging in the air.
When I was younger I thought that I had to always have a finite end, write long letters pouring out all my feelings or just avoid things altogether. Now I understand that life is full of things that are left...undone. And...it's okay! YES! It is! It is part and parcel of letting go, freeing up the SELF and trusting in our decisions. It comes with time and grace and honesty. So now when I leave things undone...I feel free and light and happy. Like a bird in flight...being in this moment. It's the letting go...

                                           (Letting Go Takes Courage, mixed media)

It's the unburdening of all the expectations and false hopes...the surrendering of dreams that will just never be...Giving up how we want things to be...to make room for what is. Sometimes...things are left undone to open ourSELVES up to air and light and breath.

                                               (catching a sunbeam...yesterday morning)

believe...

Sometimes...in all the broken pieces of ourSELVES...we can find the most interesting beauty. Sometimes...in all of our pieces we can find magic and vulnerability and strength. After writing my last post (on courage) ...I had to try really hard not to beat up on mySELF for...allowing so much time to go by. I had wanted to open up an Etsy shop 3 years ago and if all that time  just zoomed by...well, that can happen to my whole life! I mean, it kind of all goes by so fast, doesn't it? So I had to plant some seeds of courage and take all of my broken pieces and love them, care for them and honor them. I had to be gentle with mySELF and know that everything happens exactly when it is supposed to. I had to believe in mySELF...Please join me today... and everyday...believe in yourSELF!

planting seeds in the garden of courage

I just came across a journal entry of mine from about...3 years ago. I had set some goals for myself and one of the things I really wanted to do was open up a shop on Etsy...But things happened...Tim deployed to Iraq and I got pregnant and had Tara and...fast forward to today. Wow! Time just zooms by! Recently I have had to dig really deep, deep within myself and ...plant seeds in the garden of courage:

1. vulnerability

2. authenticity

3. faith

4. creativity

5. love love love

This is the path I set for mySELF...This is what I want to cultivate...To follow my dreams no matter how difficult or unlikely they seem. To have the courage to not strive for perfection but to embrace the beauty of imperfection. To do my best in all things and then...to let go. To love and embrace where I am on my journey. What are some of the seeds you plant in the garden of courage?