showing up: day #31

 This blog challenge/love affair has been well, sort of challenging and inspiring all at once. Some days as I sat in front of my computer at 6:30 a.m. ...I thought to myself "what in the blazes was I thinking...I should be in bed!!". But truthfully, most days, I actually looked forward to writing a blog post. Most days...I relished in sharing pieces of mySELF, showing up and being seen. I've .tried to push my writing and photography in a new direction...and it's something I definitely want to focus more on. I've learned that I don't always have to try so hard...I can simply be me, just show up with all of who I am in that moment and ...it's okay; I am enough. Most days...that was true. Of course there were days when I most definitely did not feel that way...but I showed up anyways. And friends, I have to say that when we do that...something magical and transformative happens; an internal shift that takes us to the next step, the next place, another part of our journey. So...I am super grateful for this blog challenge. And...I can't believe tomorrow is August!!!

getting out of a (creative) rut: day #30

Ruts!!! How I hate them...but I accept it as part and parcel of the creative process...of life, really. Part of the ebb and flow...as necessary as breathing. Oftentimes, being in a rut has facilitated extraordinary aha moments and an abundance of work. Still...it can feel pretty frustrating being stuck, stuck, stuck!! I wanted to share a few ways I ease some flow through these periods.
* do something new every single day. It can be super simple like going on a  different walking route or it can be something much more daring ...like sign up for a samba class!! There are artist dates, online classes, reading  a book in a genre I would never normally do, taking an online class, wearing  a color I normally don't, trying out a new art product. ...the possibilities are endless here. i remember when I started my blog over 3 years ago...it felt like a huge leap into the unknown full of fear and trepidation...but now it all seems as natural as the sun + the moon. The whole point is to take myself out of my ordinary surroundings and expand the breadth of my life so I am exposed to something new and different. One step leads to another; each small action leads somewhere else...in this way we can create a whole new map of where we want to go...and new possibilities open  up to us.It doesn't have to be big, friends; it can be the smallest of acts!
* As much as newness counts..I also need routine and stability. It's the framework and foundation for trying out the new stuff. So...I pick a few things and commit to it (no matter what!). They can be ongoing (working out) or for a short duration (say... a blog challenge for  a month!). It can also be as simple as my morning coffee, writing in my journal everyday, taking 15 mins. completely to myself, going on a photowalk. Simple or complicated...I find it doesn't matter at all; it's the stability that counts. To me, routine is just as important as the excitement of trying out new things.

                                                   (playing with some of Tara's tempera paints!)
* Take a complete break!!! sometimes this seems counter intuitive to me. I have been stuck in awfully long + frustrating ruts where I try to force myself into my studio to work and ...nothing happens!! It just makes it that much worst! So...I have discovered that taking a complete break (a few days to an entire month or more) takes me to  a different space and gets me out of  a rut. last summer, I took a full month off painting and started reading instead...that led me to create an art journal inspired by the writings of Audre Lorde, which I then submitted to Somerset Art Journal...which led to being published. So, friends..while it may seem like it's a waste of time to take a break...so not true!!
* Have a creating schedule and stick to it!!! With Tara growing up and needing more of my time and attention, it's more important than ever for me to create a painting schedule. If I wait to inspiration to strike...I'll never get to work!!! So..I make up a schedule at the start of each week and stick to it as much as possible. Of course, I also use up 15 mins. here and there (they all add up too).

* Play!!!! Have fun, play, turn everything upside down and start from there!!! This one seems almost too good to be true but I find that once I start experimenting and letting go...of expectations, of what I want my painting to look like...of what I think my painting should look like, of trying to recreate what's in my head ...that's when I can get stuck! But just having fun..going with the flow, knowing that everything can be covered up (hello, gesso and collage!!!) leads me to my best work. Perfectionism, I have found, is the enemy of creating!!!
Well, friends...those are my tips for getting out of  creative rut...but really, it can be any kind of rut, I suppose. Do you have any tips to share, I would love to hear what they are.

navigating without a map: day #29

 Motherhood has probably been the defining experience in my life...the catalyst for growth and transformation unparalleled by any other event ...yet a lot of times, it feels so much like navigating without a map, like walking in the dark...like not knowing what to do. When I think back to Tara's first few months...those heady times of new motherhood...I smile ...but with some sadness too. The days are long....but the years are all too short, I am discovering.

And now...I have some huge decisions to make regarding the year coming up...and I struggle without a map...just the direction I want to go in. Of course, I want to make the very best decisions for Tara and our family...but how do I know what that is??? I read, I talk to friends, Tim and I discuss things ad infinitum and then...what I am left with are the whispers in my heart...telling me..."go this way" ..."go that way" . And being scared of making the wrong decisions. While motherhood feels like an expansion of my self, of my life + spirit...it also magnifies my fears. Every day I make a multitude of mistakes (as we all do) ...but then I wake up the next morning..and (with all of who I am) I try...I try again. And maybe that's what counts more than the actual decisions we make...is the intention, the showing up...the love with which we do things. that's what I'm hoping, friends. But for now..I struggle with doing the very best I can, knowing that's all I can offer up. And hoping ...hoping...it's enough. That I'm enough.

in celebration of our wedding anniversary: day #28

Today is our  wedding anniversary and boy!! Tim and I both can't believe how the time has just flown by!!! We have been through so much...ups and downs, adjustments, deployments, pregnancy + parenting, yearly cross country moves, the ebb and flow of life...on and on. But through it all...we have been the most loyal of friends; learning and growing together.  These many years later, I consider myself one lucky woman!! As much as I have no problem spilling the beans about every aspect of my life...I do tend to be private and protective of my marriage.
  I got married later in life and, in retrospect, I know that I had to go through the journey I did...in order to become the person I am...in order to meet my life partner. This is one of my fave pics of all..our engagement pic taken on a misty beach in Virginia. I think it captures so much about our relationship.  Just spending the day being present to our many many blessings.  xxx

on my to-do list today: day #27

* clean up my studio! A month ago it was delightfully messy...but now, it's atrocious! I can barely walk through because of piles of boxes, stacks of books etc etc.
*take pics of Tara's big girl bedroom. I have been meaning to do this forever because I've wanted to do a post of her beautiful room on my blog. Clue...it's very pink:)
*Bake a few batches of super healthy muffins. With all of our summer physical activities...it's the perfect fuel on the go food paired with some cheese + fresh fruit.
* Make some time for me! Special pampering, maybe an afternoon nap and a solitary photowalk. 
* pick up Tara's school supplies for the fall and get that out of the way.
*I've been de-cluttering like crazy here friends. Getting rid of  things we don't use, that don't fit etc. Trying to organize and simplify. That's my mantra these days...organize + simplify, organize + simplify:)
* Enjoy the summer day over here!! The sun is pouring through our windows ...looks like it's going to be a gorgeous day! Happy Saturday!

intention: day #26

" I don't know exactly what a prayer is.
I do know how to pay attention, how to fall down
into the grass, how to kneel down in the grass,
how to be idle and blessed, how to stroll through the fields,
which is what I have been doing all day.
Tell me, what else should I have done?
Doesn't everything die at last, and too soon?
Tell me, what is it you plan to do
with your one wild and precious life?" - Mary Oliver

no more struggle for self: day #25

 “Where there is a woman there is magic. If there is a moon falling from her mouth, she is a woman who knows her magic, who can share or not share her powers. A woman with a moon falling from her mouth, roses between her legs and tiaras of Spanish moss, this woman is a consort of the spirits.”-Ntozake Shange , Sassafrass, Cypress and Indigo

For so much of my life I have struggled for beauty...when what I was really struggling for was self acceptance...except I didn't know it. It was so much easier to focus on externals rather than shine a light on all of the missing and broken pieces inside of me. So much easier to buy a new shade of lipstick, enter a new relationship for all the wrong reasons or focus on everything else but the lacking inside of mySELF. But aging, marriage and motherhood have all brought blessings and gifts that have stripped away all pretense and revealed what I need, who I am and what I seek. Now...there is no more struggle for self.

Truth: Now I don't worry about the minor things in life...the few pounds I want to lose, the fact that my body is changing in innumerable ways (and will continue to do so)...how I can't get away with skimping on my sleep anymore. Now I don't worry so much about other people's opinions of me...knowing that we are all in this together, oftentimes facing similar struggles. Now I know that there are quiet heroes among us...and we really never know what personal suffering someone has been through. Now I face life with the knowing...that our years are brief and none of us are here forever. Now, most days, I rest + walk comfortably in my own skin.

 

Now...I question how I want to live; my deepest intentions and fears coming to light. I understand that anger is fuel for change and compassion is fuel for connection. I want to understand my ugliness so I can accept it, know it...and tranmute it to light. Now I understand that real beauty lies in our heart, in our character...in how we face the day despite our sufferings and losses.The kind words we can give ourSELVES and others, the opening of our hearts + minds, forgiveness, being present, offering ourSELVES up in truth and love...grace and dignity. And now more than ever, because I have a little girl looking up to me for her sense of self and direction, it's crucial that I see my true beauty with an accepting heart.

wordless wednesday: day # 24

link love: day #23

*love reading this blog...and the post The Photos We Need To Take really resonated with me. I felt so much of this when I was her age. Loving all the truthtelling, vulnerability and courage. And yes!! we never know what's ahead:)
*loving this!  50 powerful quotes about poetry (via Susannah)
*love this brilliant invention! just picked one up for myself and Tara!
*started reading this book over the weekend and totally loving it so far. The exercises and writing prompts are both simple and powerful.
*I swear by this company! I've been using their running shoes for years...made specifically for women...by women!! How cool is that??
*LOVE this photo shoot!!! So much heart, courage and sheer gorgeous-ness  ...it left me breathless. . Simply stunning!
*Loving this series of books to teach Tara about art
*lusting after these boots...in cherry red, no less!!!
*can't wait for this book to be released (mid August)...holy smokes!

*loving this tape...use it to pretty up my journal, stick love notes/inspirational cards on my studio wall...and course...Tara hearts it too!

*my art is on the cover of this e-zine Of Note!!! I did the interview many months ago and it was published at the time...but then I received an e-mail a few days ago saying that my art is on the current cover! Excited and happy!

*loved listening to this video by Maya Angelou...Still I Rise. Inspired!!!
And...of course...welcome to the world Royal Baby!

truthtelling: day #22

"...I have a duty to speak the truth as I see it and to share not just my triumphs, not just the things that felt good, but the pain, the intense, often unmitigating pain. It is important to share how I know survival is survival and not just a walk through the rain."- Audre Lorde

 I've been writing since I was in my very early teens. I had journals that morphed into sketchbooks; pages and pages of pains and hurts, dreams and hopes,  letters  I never sent and corny teenage diary stuff. Later on...I started combining drawings with my writing; everything went into my books! Writing was my lifeline through a very turbulent and painful childhood (no exaggeration!). Even before I knew about the therapeutic benefits of writing...my instinct was to go to my secret books and pour out my heart and soul. Quite simply...writing saved me!! It taught me that there is no shame in claiming all of mySELF. Writing showed me a way through my suffering, a path through my silence...step by step, page by page, word by word. Writing empowered me!

Some experiences leave us broken and shattered, our selves completely rearranged,  and it's very obvious that we need to heal the pain and suffering . But...sometimes (often?) ...there are minor assaults on our spirit that occur day after day, week after week that are not so easy to identify...but that build up over time. Often...life doesn't turn out quite the way we expect or want. Sometimes...life brings major challenges (understatement) and we are forced to accept that life isn't "fair" or just or.... When I was much much younger, I used to fantasize about a time in my life where I would  be prancing around, completely healed...utopia!! But ...now I understand that healing is a multi layered process...there are stories within stories, hurts within hurts, betrayals upon betrayals. There are pieces of ourSELVES that will never heal completely; that will always be broken + crippled and gasping for air. But maybe, just maybe...those shattered pieces can be transformed and used as fuel for other parts of ourSELVES and our lives.They will still be there...ugly and desperate...but bringing them to light may transform us. Writing does that for me! It gathers up all of the ugly parts of mySELF and gives them voice and shape + form.

And I find...that by laying claim to all of who I am...I can still be open to the beauty and joys of life. xxx

life around here: day #21

 The weather around here has been really strange this summer...very volatile (it hailed last night!!) ...so I have been taking advantage of the sunny days. Every opportunity finds us outside...Tara with her magnifying glass, looking at all sorts of things and me...feeling the grass on my bare feet...listening to Bob Marley, reading a book or cloud watching. Sometimes we go to our backyard or...pack up a picnic lunch and head out the door.

 This is my gorgeous sweet girl...growing up in leaps and bounds. She has a confidence and air about her that I still don't possess. Love!!!

 There's a tea festival coming here friends!!!! A tea festival!!!!

 This about tells the story of Tim and Tara's relationship right here...

  Photowalks have become  a daily practice for me...just grab my camera, be present and mindful...and go! It really allows me to focus on this moment...and all the beauty and joy around me.

Been getting healthy over here, friends! My new schedule-wake up at 5 a.m. Mon-Fri to work out (cardio, core exercises on the ball, knee strengthening and yoga), then coffee and blog/computer stuff. Having super healthy/delish smoothies for breakfast (almond milk, tons of spinach, protein powder, frozen fruit, flax seed, and just discovered this right here) ... then... my day with Tara begins!

 Been doing a lot of writing in my journal. I want to find me way back to morning pages...but just can't fit it into my schedule these days...I mean...I don't want to wake up at 4!!! But still...finding lots of time to write throughout the day. Just focusing on joy, opening my heart + mind, being present...and growth!!! That's my life around here.
*update on my blog challenge: Okay! Some days I really wonder...whatintheblazeswasithinking???? but...most days I actually look forward to writing a post. Even those days (and there are many!!) where I wonder what on earth am I going to write about...if I give myself a chance...it manages to flow.

journey to self: day #20

 

"I am who I am, doing what I came to do..."

                                                                         -Audre Lorde

 Just this past week I have spoken to two longtime friends about the exact same thing; our path in life, our calling...our journey.  We spoke from the heart about so many of our fears, longings and possibilities and I wanted to share some of what we said because I think so many of us feel this way. Societal/cultural pressures  force us into corners we sometimes don't want to be in. There are expectations that we have to have "everything figured out" by a certain age (who we'll marry, career, motherhood etc) and then ...complacency oftentimes sets in. Big time! 

Most of my twenties were spent soul searching and gypsing around (something I have absolutely no regrets about). There were so many pressures but I completely ignored them and just went my own way. But now that I am 44, married, a mom ...there's still soul searching, questioning, expanding of my heart and mind...there is still the seeking. What kind of a wife/partner do I want to be, how can I be a better parent/mom to Tara, where do I want my art to go...whom do I want in my life? How can I make more time for self care? It's different than in my twenties ...but it's still a huge part of my life. And quite frankly...I hope it never goes away! Our journeys are not linear...there are detours, lost pathways, dead ends...the back and forth...soaring...expanding. There is transformation and growth and dying off to certain parts of who we were. And I deeply deeply believe that we each have our own unique path...we each have a calling. All we have to do is be still, listen to the whispers in our heart...pay attention...act on it one small step at a time. We never know where each tiny step will lead...we never know what lays waiting for us on the path ahead. The people we'll meet, the experiences we'll have...the joys and tears...the fears and frustrations...they are all an intrinsic part of our journey. 

                                                      (Journey to Self, print available here)

They all shape us, strengthen us, humble us...open us up to the person we are becoming. It's all part of the journey...leading us to ourSELVES.

yesterday: day #19

... Tara and I went to visit Jainnie-amazing polymer clay artist, tea connoisseur  and friend. We chatted, ate lunch and Tara gave all of Jainnie's stuffed animals a check-up:) Jainnie also did a cute project with Tara and showed me some clay 101 basics. I meant to take pics of the entire process but...I was probably too busy gabbing:) and completely forgot!
 I've been wanting to try my hand at clay for some time (was supposed to make clay dolls last summer)...but it just never happened. Just watching a very basic demo yesterday gave me the incentive to learn more about the process. Plus...Tara just loved it!! So...off to Amazon I go to pick up a few basic tools to get us started!! Thanks Jainnie!

 

 Tara's been playing doctor lately...so... band-aids everywhere:)
 *all pics in this post taken by Jainnie!

I am enough: day #18

I have been struggling to this place where I am enough for a long long time. And often...there are stumbles and detours and breakdowns. It's like everything in life...once we make a conscious effort, the lessons and teachers are everywhere. Strangely enough, signing up for this blog challenge has been a teacher for me in this capacity. I realise that I can simply show up...as mySELF. I don't always have to be funny or articulate or deep or...I can just show up... with wholeHEART and ...I am here. I am me. I am enough.
So are we all. xxx

in my heart: day #17

* my sweet girl...just when I think I can't possibly love her anymore than I do...my heart expands infinitely to allow for more love, more light, more sweetness. I can't believe how fast she's growing up...how independent she wants to be, how articulate and curious and lovely she is. Sassy too:)
* Tim and I are going to be celebrating our  wedding anniversary soon. Where did the time go? With all the moves, deployments, starting a family...new beginnings ...endings...dreams broken and found...time has zoomed by.
*Self care, self care, self care!!!  More and more...I am making room in my life for self care. Exercise, eating healthy, quiet time...those are the obvious ones. But more and more...I am making space in my life for setting boundaries, asking for what I need and...joy. Self care is a daily (sometimes hourly)...intentional practice.
*I received this book as a gift and am loving it! It's a deceptively easy read...one that wraps itself around your heart and nudges it open. Mark Nepo wrote this book after battling with cancer and the dissolution of his marriage so his perspective is a little different than his other books. Think ...more open, more vulnerable...more human. Love!
* Sabrina Fulton and Tracey Martin  have been in my heart more than ever these days. I am absolutely outraged and saddened by the Zimmerman verdict...where do we go from here? I want to write an entire blog post about it...but truthfully, I am still furious and need to settle down a bit before I can do that. For now...I need to conquer the anger and bitterness in my heart before putting my thoughts down.

"the earth remembered me": day #16

 

 "I thought the earth remembered me,

she took me back so tenderly,

arranging her dark skirts, her pockets

full of lichens and seeds..." -Mary Oliver

It's been such a long time since I walked deep into a patch of forest, leaned up against a tree and smelt the earth. At least...it seems that way.  Lately...I have been feeling all kinds of blue...all sorts of mixed up emotions that I have to untangle. There's so much I want to express, so much I need to lay down...but words fail me right now. It's enough, then...that "the earth remembered me"...

It's enough that I can feel the sun against my skin...bare feet on the grass. For now...it's enough.

experiments in photograpy: day #15

  “He owned an expensive camera that required thought before you pressed the shutter, and I quickly became his favorite subject, round-faced, missing teeth, my thick bangs in need of a trim. They are still the pictures of myself I like best, for they convey that confidence of youth I no longer possess, especially in front of a camera.” - Jhumpa Lahiri, Unaccustomed Earth

Lately...I've been  stretching myself with photography.  I love the infinite ways I can digitally alter a pic...how I can add layers and light and frames and...ad infinitum. More and more...I am seeking mood, movement, and light rather than purely image.Here are some of my recent photography creations...

“The camera is an instrument that teaches people how to see without a camera.”- Dorothea Lange
One of my discoveries is that the more pics I take...the more I seek  new  perspectives, compositions and angles. It's a challenge I love...finding new ways to tell my stories, capture moments and share my life.Also...it's documenting this moment and directs me to be present to my life. Pretty powerful stuff, right?

“A picture is a secret about a secret, the more it tells you the less you know.”

                                                                                                                    -Diane Arbus

More + more...I am trying to see with my heart and spirit rather than just with my eyes.

painting redo: day #14

 Sometimes...I complete a painting and just know when it's done! I love it when that happens...when everything just falls into place. When the painting reveals itself and tells me a story. But...about half the time...I need to rework my paintings. I put them aside for awhile and then get to them later. With this painting...I was very happy with some parts of it...but other parts were just not right somehow. I had no idea what exactly was not working...but I knew I needed to keep on painting. So I added collage ...dictionary pages, text, found papers...

 Then...I added more paint, drips and splatters of translucent ink in burnt sienna...more collage...some stamps and texture

 added lots of opaque blue paint...and more inks over top of that...also...two wings appeared. Maybe they will stay in the final painting or maybe not. I never really know and that's the magic of creating. isn't it?? The thrill of playing and experimenting and waiting for the the stories to unfold.

Here's the way I left her after my studio time...still not done but she's on her way to the painting she's meant to become. Stay tuned...