showing up: day #31

 This blog challenge/love affair has been well, sort of challenging and inspiring all at once. Some days as I sat in front of my computer at 6:30 a.m. ...I thought to myself "what in the blazes was I thinking...I should be in bed!!". But truthfully, most days, I actually looked forward to writing a blog post. Most days...I relished in sharing pieces of mySELF, showing up and being seen. I've .tried to push my writing and photography in a new direction...and it's something I definitely want to focus more on. I've learned that I don't always have to try so hard...I can simply be me, just show up with all of who I am in that moment and ...it's okay; I am enough. Most days...that was true. Of course there were days when I most definitely did not feel that way...but I showed up anyways. And friends, I have to say that when we do that...something magical and transformative happens; an internal shift that takes us to the next step, the next place, another part of our journey. So...I am super grateful for this blog challenge. And...I can't believe tomorrow is August!!!

the raw + the real

Some days (okay...every day!) it's difficult or impossible to find balance. Some days...it's difficult to just show up...with our best selves + our worst. There is no perfect pie in the sky, her life is better than mine, Utopian lala land out there. So why do we compare, strive for and expect anything other than what is??? Why does that little seed of discontent sometimes grow into a tree of despair??

I am having a difficult time these days balancing everything.  With Tara growing up so fast...I am experiencing how time is just slipping away at lightning speed. Right now..I would much rather spend time with her...eating breakfast in the sun...watching the birds...than be in my studio. I would much rather work in the garden, read a book, go for  a walk with T&T (Tim and Tara!!) than paint. And...it's okay. There are cycles to creativity...and every part is equally important. I also realise (more than ever) that I am never going to get these years with Tara back...these years of having her all to myself before she goes off into the world. It makes me incredibly sad...but also grateful that I realise the opportunities right here, right now.

Of course...I will never give up my art + painting. Because that is an intrinsic part of me too. Part of my heart + soul...it makes my spirit leap and fly and  soar. So...it's all about honoring my life, my process and accepting where I am. This is the raw + the real of my life right now. Just showing up (even when it's a struggle) with all of me (doubts, fears and hopes)...knowing + trusting that I will be heard.
and accepted.
and loved.
Thank you. xxx

showing up

                                           (She trusted the journey, she trusted herSELF 
                                                             archival prints available here!)
One of the really difficult lessons I have learned along the way-that I am still learning -is this. Sometimes I just have to show up and do my best. After a looooong day with Tara (we get up at about 6 a.m), the last thing I want to do when I get her off to sleep at night (8-8:30 p.m.) is go into my studio. But I show up. Sometimes I do backgrounds or work on paintings in various stages. Sometimes I read, write or just piddle around. Whether it's for a half hour or 4 hours.It's the same here on my blog. I don't always know what I am going to write about. Sometimes I feel that I have nothing important to say or share. Sometimes I wonder why I blog at all.  If anyone is reading this or whether my words make any sense. But still...I show up. 

                                                    (my studio table...a few minutes ago)
 I think it's the same with life...every single aspect of it.  When I question my abilities as a mother/artist//wife....I just show up...with all of my insecurities and baggage and pain and vulnerabilities. With all of my joy and questions and sass and humor. With all of my anger and creativity and heart and spirit. Mistakes and mayhem... I just show up and do my best.

                                                               (Tara girl painting) 
 I really hope I can instill that in Tara. that winning is not as important as trying. That doing your best and giving your all is...winning. That the journey -while it may not take us where we want to go-takes us exactly where we need to go. That if we trust in ourSELVES, and trust in our journey...life carries us to places we can't even imagine. Places within ourSELVES that are... real.  That's where life lies...this is where our journey takes us.