unexpected break

Dear friends...I am going to take an unexpected break this week. I would love to say it's because we're flying off to some exotic vacation, I'm going to meet Oprah or something equally grand. Not so. Our computer crashed a few days ago. It was on life support for  a few days but now...it's completely dead. As in...time to get a brand new one!!! So...totally unexpected computer break this week but...I will be back soon!!!In the meanwhile...I hope life is treating you well, there are lots of (good) surprises, a few sweet kisses and lots and lots of love. xxx

true

"Time to shed that false skin, and grow your real skin ... tender and strong, both."
                                 -Dr. Clarissa Pinkola Estes. The Dangerous Old Woman
I have been in a strange place creatively (+ otherwise!!) these past many weeks. I feel as if my interior is shape shifting. Do you know what I mean??? For the past month or so...I just haven't been able to get into my studio. I have scheduled time and just gone in there, sat down...and nothing!! But...I feel that even though I haven't been painting/creating...there have been seeds planted that are germinating. I feel as if I am walking my way to my original nature, my original voice. When I was younger, my culture + socialization had put a lock on my creative voice to a large extent. Even when I became an adult...those locks  were still there. So...like so many of us...I grew a false self that became stronger and stronger. You know...that false self that goes along with things it doesn't believe in...or the one who is always polite + never sets boundaries or stands up for it's self??? But after giving birth to Tara...I realize that our time here is so limited; we don't have forever. There is a sense of urgency now, somehow...to. be. real. To shed all those false skins and step into my true one.

I have been reading up a storm...and writing, writing, writing. Filling up journal pages with thoughts + dreams, to-do list (never ending this one!), books I want to read, recipes I want to try and on and on. It started quite a few months ago with reading Audre Lorde's works...and then that led to Alice Walker and always always  Dr. Estes and......then Susannah Conway
Actually it was path leading me to mySELF + the work I must do. I feel that in my heart and must write it down here and share it...even though it feels a little foolish to do so. I have no vision or idea of how this will impact my art...but I have the intention to create meaningful work and I know + trust that it will bloom from there.

and gardening. 

listening to the wind. 

laughing.

crying.

opening up.

watching birds.

sitting under the moon.

talking to trees. 

reading poetry aloud.

There have been so many synchronicities magically appearing in my life these past few days...and I have been paying attention to them. The large + the small. So this afternoon I cleaned up my studio. This is my reading/writing nook right here...in a cosy corner. I love spending time here when I get the chance. No rush...no hurry...just preparing to start painting again. When the time is right. 

Listening to my heart more than ever. xxx

you do what???? (or...some thoughts on blogging)

One day last week I was chatting with another mom at the bookstore while the girls were playing...and I happened to mention that I have a blog. Well...this lady just about fell off her chair!!! She said "you do what???". She was incredulous...let me just tell you. I tried explaining it to her few times and then just gave up. Some of what she asked /said were..."what a waste of time", "who reads those things anyways" + "why would anyone do that???". But it was all those unsaid words + emotions hanging out in her eyes and posture that spoke volumes. She almost became angry, judgemental and...just a little bit afraid, I think. And I totally understand. I get it. I really really do. A few years ago if someone had told me that I was going to write a blog and send my thoughts, emotions, heart + soul out into the world...I would have probably thrown up from fear. no kidding either.  I would probably have felt more comfortable running around naked in Times Square than exposing my whole entire self this way. But now...just 2+ years after...it feels as easy + natural to me as breathing.

When I first started my blog I had no real plan...I had some vague idea that I wanted to get my art out there, be creatively and intellectually challenged. Plus I had picked up a copy of Artful Blogging a few months back + was totally inspired. But...actually, I had no idea what the hell I was doing!!! All I know is that I was very lonely + isolated. A new mom (Tara was just about to turn 1) trying to cope with a million things at once. Tim was away a lot for work and something in my heart + soul told me to do it. I listened!!! 

Now...here's the thing about blogging (and this is difficult, if not impossible to explain to someone unless they have experienced it for themselves)...but it changed my life!!! And I am not being melodramatic, I swear (although I do have a tendency to be sometimes). But it absolutely changed ...me!!! Now when I look back and read through some of my earlier posts...I see someone in search of her voice. A little unsure, a little desolate + lost...but still...showing up. I see someone who has a sense of humor...and who tries.

Right when I started my blog, I made the decision that I was going to be real. I mean...I wasn't going to put all of this time + energy into something and not be mySELF. It was difficult, don't get me wrong. I mean...who wants to spill out their guts when things aren't quite going right and you feel overwhelmed, depressed, hurting, insecure??? So much easier to hide + pretend. But...how else are you going to seen? I had no interest in portraying my life as perfect or incredibly interesting or or or. And life experiences have taught me that when I am not honest with my feelings...I walk away from mySELF and just increase the pain + isolation of whatever I am feeling. So...blogging became my connection to others but also to mySELF...who I am + who I am becoming.

And so...yes...I did get my art out there but blogging has led me to so much much more. Each and every day I get more brave. I am inspired by so many other incredible souls who are being true to themselves and creating + writing + blogging and ...being real. Each day...I get less judgmental toward myself...kinder and more accepting. I dig deeper into myself to speak my truths no matter how uncomfortable or painful. And even if my words are clumsy...or inadequate...still I try. And the connections that I have made through my little blog have been incredibly rich and real. All the way across oceans and seas...hearts + minds + spirits connect me to soul sisters everywhere.

And this degree of authenticity informs my life in everything I do now. In my art, writing, relationships, marriage, mothering. Everything. And it has made me a far richer person and... stronger.

So...you see...it's pretty difficult to explain to someone who hasn't experienced it what blogging really means to me. The alchemical combination of heart + soul + art + words + connections + authenticity + photography + life + passion + love = magic. So there you go. Just a few of my thoughts on blogging. Now when someone asks me..."you do what????" ...I am going to look them square in the eye and say..."why yes. Yes...I am a blogger". chuckle chuckle.

10 things you may (or may not) know about me

I am done reading Susannah Conway's book ("This I Know") and this is an exercise from one of the chapters. I thought it would be fun to do and maybe you can write one up yourself! Okay...here goes (deep breath) ...10 things you may or may not know about me:
1. I can curse a blue streak. I'm not particularly proud of this...but there you go.
2. In another life...I am an Alvin Ailey dancer. soaring through the air in perfect rhythmic grace + power. Sigh.
3. I've never been accused of being practical.
4. I'm a work in progress. Always.
5. I'm a hopeless idealist. I love that about mySELF.

6. I'm a cheap drunk. Give me  glass of 3$ wine and that's it. I can also throw down a glass of Jack Daniels. I don't anymore. But I can:)
7. I'm really good with words; I can remember entire poems + passages I've read years ago...but completely hopeless with numbers/dates. It drives my hubby nuts that I can't remember our home phone number etc!!
8. Although strangely enough...I'm never late. ever. Okay...rarely:)
9. I love Flamenco music and dancing. The passion + fire sets me alight.
10. I am equal parts introvert + extrovert. Part of me relishes my privacy + another (equally strong) part of me loves reaching out + connecting. Maybe you already knew that about me???

So...there you go. Oh yeah. I am brave. and I suspect you are too:)
Maybe you can try writing out your own list ???

heart changer

I received this book a few days ago and , while I had absolutely no idea what exactly to expect, I do know that I love Susannah's blog + heart + images. Well..I have been reading this book nonstop and all I can say is this...it is nothing short of revolutionary; life changing + heartchanging. I laughed, I cried...I see mySELF in her words. Yes...it's a book about photography...but so much much more than that. I have tons of books about shutter speeds + F-stops...and of course all the technical stuff is important. But what about our hearts + souls?? What about our heartbreaks? Our life experiences and the totality of who we are as human beings? Everything from mood, lighting, what we choose to include in our photos (+ perhaps more importantly, what we choose to leave out)...all depend on who we are, our emotions and experiences. Our very hearts + souls. Susanah talks honestly (so honestly I am completely in awe + totally inspired) about everything from...

Gee, where would I even begin??

She speaks honestly + bravely about her childhood (abandonment and heartbreak), love + loss, embarrassment + "not being/feeling enough", about bereavement and falling apart and depression and insecurities, ageing + our changing bodies, creative biz, listening to our hearts, being vulnerable, friendships, blogging, belonging to a "tribe of one" ...and this whole messy mixed bag of ...life!!! And, if we are to create meaningful relationships + lives + work and..., don't we have to bring all of who we are into it???? This book is beyond anything I could have imagined...it is chock full of content and is thick and small like a little secret you can fit anywhere. And that is exactly what I have been doing...reading it everywhere...in a coffee shop, in the garden, preparing Tara's breakfast:) Yes people...it's that kind of book!!!

It came at just the right time too...because I have been feeling especially vulnerable, insecure and "not enough" these past few days. Especially as it relates to my art + creative life. I don't know in what direction my art is going, where I want it to go and...since we got back from our trip, I haven't even been in my studio!!! I have 10 hundred million things to do...and even though I was supposed to be taking a computer break last week...I have been spending waaaaay too much time on Pinterest + pissing around on Facebook:) Also been excavating some very painful memories + pieces of my life ... doing the final edit for my interview with Rita Banerji. Telling the absolute truth is painful. Cathartic...but still it hurts. I realise...more than ever...that we are, every single one of us...very fragile + complicated + messy + wonderful + hurt + unique and and and. Thank you Susannah...for your beautiful brave soul, your humor and honesty, for showing us your SELF...I needed the reminder as well as the inspiration. This I know...your book is an absolute heartchanger!!! xxx

"the thread"

"There's a thread that you follow. It goes among things that change. But it doesn't change. People wonder about what you are pursuing. You have to explain about the thread. But it's hard for others to see. While you hold it, you can't get lost. Tragedies happen, people get hurt or die; and you suffer and get old. Nothing you can do can stop time's unfolding. You don't ever let go of the thread."                               -William Stafford

Trying to hold on to my thread over here. Keeping my heart focused on my journey. my path. my story. leaping. over the abyss. of my fears. lacking. & insecurities.

be back soon!!

(this tree's been yarn bombed!!!)

Taking a bit of a blog/computer/tech break over here to...

*  read

* sip lemonade

* contemplate life + the Universe

* snuggle

* smell the sunflowers

* love

* journal

* stargaze

* watch movies

* go for endless walks

* dream

* play dress up, dollhouse + have tea parties

* savor the moment

* be amazed

* take photos

Be back soon!! xxx

fairy garden DIY: simple, adorable, magical

Tara and I made a fairy garden this weekend...it is so simple + adorable I just had to share it with you!!! I started off with a medium terracotta pot (any size will do) and painted it (Behr Blueberry Mountain). Then I took a hammer and cracked it completely apart and painted the individual pieces.

We started layering sand, dried seed pods, leaves with the terracotta pieces. Pretty simple so far, right??

Now comes the fun stuff!! We added all sorts of moss (isn't it gorgeous??) . I picked up a bag from Michaels. It really gives it depth, texture and color, don't you think??

A plate I picked up at the thrift store gets broken in pieces (I used a hammer). It gives us a beautiful, stable +  flat surface to work on. 

We picked up some tiny wooden furniture and a house (again from Michaels). Here's Tara painting up a storm!!

More moss and ...fairy dust on the roof, of course!!

Here it is all finished!!! . Isn't that white picket fence over the top adorable??? I picked it up at Michaels too (love that store!!) You can make it as simple or as elaborate as you want...we are going to add a tiny bench and a toadstool. It's simply magical...who can resist. Tara is beside herself with excitement...she wants to write a note to the fairies and leave it in their house tonight:) 

just brimming with goodness

I have been filling up on goodness over here (without any guilt either!!) + I wanted to share some of it with you all.
* writing in my journal, making vision boards + listening to my inner voice.
* I have been planning + planting our container garden and it's just brimming with goodness
*  love these home decor items. Reminds me of my childhood.
* I ordered this book a week ago and after listening to this interview yesterday...I just can't wait!!!
* Totally loving these ideas. How adorable (+ totally doable)
* this book literally fell into my hands at the thrift store last week and I have been devouring every page. It's unlike any biz book I have ever read before with tons of exercises + self reflection and " lifescaping"
* smitten with the honesty + wisdom in this post
* wish I could afford something from here...anything!!! Adore!!
* sitting in the sun... listening to birds + wind
* this summer drink recipe right here  OMG!!
* going without a bra as much as possible. No easy feat now that I'm 43:)
* I picked up a huge pile of books from the library yesterday...after I got back home I realised that most of them were on writing!! Reading this one right now.
* feeding the ducks with Tara.
* wish I was in Montreal to see this exhibition. Way to go Canadian girl!!

the raw + the real

Some days (okay...every day!) it's difficult or impossible to find balance. Some days...it's difficult to just show up...with our best selves + our worst. There is no perfect pie in the sky, her life is better than mine, Utopian lala land out there. So why do we compare, strive for and expect anything other than what is??? Why does that little seed of discontent sometimes grow into a tree of despair??

I am having a difficult time these days balancing everything.  With Tara growing up so fast...I am experiencing how time is just slipping away at lightning speed. Right now..I would much rather spend time with her...eating breakfast in the sun...watching the birds...than be in my studio. I would much rather work in the garden, read a book, go for  a walk with T&T (Tim and Tara!!) than paint. And...it's okay. There are cycles to creativity...and every part is equally important. I also realise (more than ever) that I am never going to get these years with Tara back...these years of having her all to myself before she goes off into the world. It makes me incredibly sad...but also grateful that I realise the opportunities right here, right now.

Of course...I will never give up my art + painting. Because that is an intrinsic part of me too. Part of my heart + soul...it makes my spirit leap and fly and  soar. So...it's all about honoring my life, my process and accepting where I am. This is the raw + the real of my life right now. Just showing up (even when it's a struggle) with all of me (doubts, fears and hopes)...knowing + trusting that I will be heard.
and accepted.
and loved.
Thank you. xxx

dreaming

I have 10 hundred million things to do...but I am still in vacation mode...taking it easy. It's been raining all weekend over here so no working in the garden but I have been painting containers for plants. I decided to do a container garden this year (so much easier + more manageable I think). I picked up a couple of adorable tin buckets from Target but mostly just went around the house looking for things I could use. This cute little teapot is going to grow some herbs I'm thinking. I painted it a juicy red. I decided to do a few fruits (strawberry + blackberry), some herbs and flowers. Other than that...reading, writing in my journal, dreaming + scheming:) I have been reading the current O mag (Oprah went to India!!!!). Having a movie date night with Tim tonight  (Red Tails...about the Tuskegee airmen)...so looking forward to it!!  Hope you all are doing well (in your bodies, hearts + lives) and had  a wonderful weekend.