2011 year review

Man..like so many of you, I can't believe how fast this year has just zoomed by!! It all seems kind of incredible...doesn't it?? When I really try to think of a word that encapsulates the whole year...I think it would have to be ...brave. When I catch my breath and really think about it all...this year required me to step up to my higher self and pull all of the courage scattered within me and...be brave. There were events that scorched and laid bare so many of my fears. For Tim and I...some of our dreams were broken and left for us to piece back together...into new hopes, new dreams...different paths. Some of our deepest wishes did not come true and left us weary and angry, hurting and lost. Some events left us reeling with mistrust and disbelief... shocked and wounded. And through it all...through it all...there were gosamer threads of joy...explosions of happiness... beauty and hope. And love. Always always ...there was love. Because that's the way life tends to be...a mixed bag. And we had to be brave...through it all...we had to be brave. Brave to meet our pain and brave to meet our joy.

Okay...I am finding out that motherhood requires us to be brave!!! I was a bit slow to catch on...but I think that's one of the primary requirements!! I had to be brave enough to love so completely...so deeply...without expecting anything in return (okay...maybe a kiss or a cheeky grin!). Watching my little baby grow up has been a gift...unimaginable.  She is a little girl full of heart + sass + love. And then...I thought I was going to get away without Tara going through the terrible twos. Uh...no such luck. Just two months before her 3rd birthday...it hit us all like a ton of bricks. I became desperate and tried reading and implementing all sorts of strategies...until I found this book. Reading through this I felt a huge sense of relief... a letting go. Her whole approach works for me and ...it just makes sense. I decided to simply relax and enjoy my baby girl. There is nothing to do. Zen parenting works! For now!!

A large part of this year was spent with Tim working away from us during the week. It was tough...not just on me but on Tara also; on our whole family unit. We made the most of our weekends but it was difficult.  But this man right here is my rock...my soft place to fall. Tim went through some extremely difficult times and still...maintained his heart and integrity. Marriage opened up new doors within me this year...I fell in love all over again with my husband...in a completely different way.

Bravery showed up in all sorts of ways in my art as well. Over and over again...I started putting more and more of my stories, mySELF, my heart into my paintings. My style is evolving and I am excited about the direction of my art. It's amazing for me to see where my art goes . I want to write more, paint more, add more of my stories and heart...we'll see where it all goes:)

OMG!!! And as a wonderful early Xmas gift...I was published in the Somerset Studio Gallery Winter 2012. I am over the moon excited about it...and I still can't believe it (am I dreaming???). It still feels surreal to me. I am beyond thrilled + thankful + over the moon.

Throughout the year I met the most wonderful ladies...connections were made and hearts touched. It was the most amazing sense of community where we could chat about...well, everything!! Nothing was off limits and there was always respect and honesty. And laughter. Sometimes wine too!! Ladies...I am going to miss you soooooo much!! But we're gonna' see each other soon...I just know it!!

As I said...this year was full of surprises and ups and downs...I am just so thankful that it is all here....recorded on my blog. And oh!! yeah...we started the year in Ca. and ended up in Colorado. We are going to be here until Tara graduates from high school...at least, that's the plan!!

So...dear year 2011, thank you for all you given me, the experiences you have presented to me that allowed me to step more into mySELF. Thank you for all your wonder....the relationships that developed. As we go along our journey..I know that things are exactly as they are supposed to be...I am stepping into this new year being wide open to life. I have no words or intentions...just being open to what is. So goodbye 2011...and welcome YEAR 2012!!!
Happy New Year everyone!!! See you on the other side:)

everyday life

"An authentic life is the most personal form of worship. Everyday life has become my prayer."

                                                                                          - Sarah Ban Breathnach

With the New Year and a birthday just days away (I will be 43 in a minute)...I always tend to get very introspective. Thinking about the life I have, the person I am....how I want to evolve , what I want to shed (drama, negativity, stuff) on and on. As I go on in life...one of the things that really call to me is the neccesity of authenticity. Our time here is so limited, so fragile...our lives filled with intangibles. All we really have is this moment....this luscious moment of breath and light and life. Whether we are in pain or joy or...we are alive and that is a gift.

You know...I am not a religious person...never have been. I was born a Hindu but then-in my twenties-walked along the path of Buddhism. The dogma of religion has never appealed to me...has never fed my spirit and imagination.

But give me art and poetry, imagination and stories...luscious well-worn lives full of imperfections and contradictions. give me song and dance, pasta ...good chatting and laughter, friendships of heart + soul, warm fires, nature in all her fury and grandeur. give me tree I can hug, a bird I can watch. a kiss. chocolate. tiny hands holding mine. a good book. travel. photography. a full moon. give me kindness and authenticity. give me sadness...letting go...courage. give me ....a  hug. tenderness. a walk on the beach. writing in my journal. simplicity. a hot cup of tea. give me yourSELF. shiny thoughts. give me love. a hearty laugh. connection. hearts carved deep by sorrow. give me quirky. zen. these are the things that fill me up.

sparkles and smiles

Tara was all sparkles and smiles (as you can see!!) and, not surprisingly, most of the gifts from Santa were for her:) Our realtor had this huge teddy and adorable tree all decked out and waiting for us so Tara wouldn't be without one this year. Thanks so much dear sweet Illona-you are an angel!!

We had a relaxed Xmas day...opening up gifts in the morning....Tara's fave was her princess "big girl" bike. And then we had a laid back lunch. I meant to take lots of pics but once the wine and laughter and chatting and eating started...I forgot all about it!! I don't even have a single family pic. from this Xmas. Oh well...I have so many great memories, stories, laughter, precious moments all kept right here in my heart.

Well...we took it easy on Xmas day but have been working non-stop since then!! Trying to move into our new house (which is simply beautiful)...I picked out the paint color for my studio (it's  a gorgeous sunflower yellow)...planning all sorts of projects for Tara's nursery. I am so excited and we are very very happy to be settling in. When I  look out the windows....I see snow (lots and lots) and mountains and trees. Peaceful and beautiful. I have so much to share...I hope you all had a wonderful Xmas as well and I will be visiting blogs and getting back to e-mails soon...I promise. xxx

dear friends...

Dear friends...we made it to Colorado safely!!! Jane...you were right-it's pretty cold over here!!! These past couple of months have been incredibly stressful...with all of the usual moving related yuckiness...and then some. But it's all over now. No more moving for us...we are going to stay here...forever!!

I am so looking forward to spending these next few days enjoying my family, drinking hot chocolate, playing in the snow, a wonderful Xmas dinner with friends, catching up on some reading, breathing.

Dear friends (known and unknown) I want to thank you all for stopping by my blog, reading my posts...leaving warm and thoughtful comments and most of all, for sharing your lives with me. Your friendship and support mean more to me than you will ever know...you all have become such a part of my life. Thank you from the bottom of my heart!!! 

Wishing you all a very merry Xmas...and a happy holiday season from us over here. xxx

dear Ca.

Dear California: I can't believe that our year with you is over...it all went by in  a flash.
I am going to miss...
* your gorgeous year-round amazing weather
* your lush and raw natural beauty that has kept me in awe this whole year
* being 15 mins. away from the Pacific Ocean
* the 101 things there are to do around here...zoos, beach, antique stores, mountains, on and on
* The amazing people that I have met ...the friendships I have made
* walking out my backdoor at any time and picking big fat roses from our garden

* all the art and theatre and culture...love!!
* the food!!! There are the most amazing world cuisine restaurants over here. Anything you want...Indian, Persian, Nigerian, Mexican, Italian etc etc...
And I will definitely not miss:
*driving on the interstates. Okay...can we just say ...craaaayzeeee!!!
* the abject racism toward Mexicans. Yes...I know we have to control the borders but...I have witnessed a lot of really ugly racism toward other human beings who pretty much want the same things we all do; to be treated with basic dignity and respect. Simply no excuse for it.
* the cost of living...it's through the roof over here.

(Tara waving goodbye to the ocean)

So...dear Ca. thank you for keeping my family safe this year, for showing us your magic and wonders...we will be back to visit!!
*********************************************************

                                                   (Pattie's Xmas party last Sunday)
* I had such a great time at Pattie's get-together...I just wished I could have stayed longer!! I am really going to miss these wonderful ladies...they are over the top wonderful. That's what I am really going to miss in Ca. the most...all the wonderful people I met.

things that make me happy

(on a nature walk last week)

* a sea of yellow flowers...in winter!!
* Stash tea... especially the Chai Spice 
* scarves...so glad I can pull out my winter woolens and bundle up
* snuggling with a good book

(new red shoes...love!!)

* morning walks

* spending time with my girl

* red shoes
* chattering, girlie, laughing get-togethers
* riding the carousel

* outdoor Xmas concerts...at night
* Saturday morning coffee at Panera Bread

(Tim's birthday a few days ago)

* still making time for celebrations in the middle of "having no time"
* O magazine in the mail
* patterned skirts
* hearing my Tara sing "Jingle Bells"
* getting at least 6 hours of sleep a night (a rare occurrence these days!!)
* experiencing Xmas through Tara's eyes
What are some things that make you happy...because...(I think)...the world needs more happy peeps:)
happier people = happier world = more hope for peace

shiny. bright. spirit.

                                                      (Tara yesterday morning)
Here's a conversation Tara and I had a few days ago.
Me:   "Baby...what should we get Miss Mary?"
Tara:   "Uh...a picture of me!!"
Me:   "Okay, honey...that's a great idea. Can you think of another present too?"
Tara:   "Uhhh...a beehive!!"
Me:   "Oh!! Okaaay. Can we think of something else??"
Tara:   "Ummmmm...a pooper-scooper!!)
Me:   "Baby...how about some perfume??"
Tara:  " Okay mom. I need some perfume"
OMG!!!! Too too precious. I am saving all of these little moments, tucking them away into the deepest parts of my heart...and keeping them there forever, ever, ever, ever. ever.  This is the stuff of life!!
shiny. bright. spirit.

Xmas spirit

(Tara's Xmas ornament and stocking)

This is the Xmas ornament Tara picked out for herself this year. She passed up on all the glittery, glassy, feathery ones and picked this sturdy wooden birdhouse. Of course, our Xmas tree is packed away, so it's hanging on the key rack right now but...that's o.k. Since we are smack in the middle of moving I decided that I would have to coax out my Xmas spirit. I can't do all the obvious things like decorating our house and tree, baking or cooking but...Xmas is about so much more than that, isn't it? For most of my life, this hasn't been  a big holiday or celebration for me but now that we have Tara, all of that has changed. I want her to experience the magic of the season and, even more so, to fully understand that Xmas is as much about giving as it is about receiving.

It's about offering up our hearts, our time, our friendship, our kindness. I really hope I can instill that in Tara. Oh! yeah...and it's a tiny bit about gifts too:) I know that during this season we can focus so much on all the things we need to do, things that are left undone and stress out. But this year I am making an effort to focus   on each day, each joy-full lovely moment and be ever so thankful that I get to spend Xmas with my family. There's a part of me that's in total panic mode. And there's another part of me that's completely calm.

Happy holiday season...friends

opening up space

         (the last painting on my easel before everything got packed away)
Well...my entire studio is all packed away!! It was so difficult to put things away half completed when ideas are just jumping all around my brain and my fingers are just itching to paint...But...I decided that I am going to use this month or so off from painting to open up space to do other things.  I have a delicious stack of books I have put aside to read. One of the things about balancing motherhood with, well, just about anything else (!!)  is that I have to prioritise and things that I really love doing often get put on the back burner for...months and months!

(yesterday morning...writing at my makeshift desk)

I am going to have some time now to do lots of writing in my journal and blog...and think about the goals I want to work toward in the upcoming year (just around the corner I can't believe!!). I always get pretty self reflective around this time of year...how about you?? And I am hoping that the Xmas spirit will kind of sneak up on me one of these days. But we have been so busy and stressed...it just doesn't feel like Xmas this year! Not yet anyway.

                                              (display stand at Barnes and Noble)
Hopefully I will also have some time to go on a few artist dates (library, coffee shops, fabric stores, art galleries...so many possibilities) Hopefully I can fully immerse mySELF in Tara's last month of the two's (can you believe she turns 3 next month!!). The other day she said to me "Mom, I need some privacy" and then went into her room and closed the door!! Excuse me??? Did I miss something here??
 Sigh...so...life is super full over here...and despite all the hard work and stress...it's good.

breathe. just breathe.

(self portrait -taken with timer)

We are right in the thick of things over here...too much to do and not enough time to do it in. A hundred and one things that have to line up and fall into place...Little sleep and long long hours. Chaos and boxes and short tempers all around. Lots of apologies and hugs every couple of hours (to make up for short tempers!!)...on and on. And this is what I am learning through it all...to let go. Just let go. Of expectations, of things I can't change and have no control over, of the way I want things to be. It's difficult and I'm not saying I'm there yet...but I am trying. To get back to this moment and ...breathe. Just breathe.

Tara's "pretty in pink" nursery (Ca.), tips/DIY

I had been meaning to write this post forever ago...and since Tara's nursery is getting all packed away this weekend...I wanted to share these ideas/tips/DIY/pics with you. I tried to make make her nursery safe, pretty and functional...stimulating but not too much so. Her nursery in Virgina was more subdued...and babyish compared to this one. Tara was a bit more involved in the decorating of this room...she loves pink!! I got rid of the obviously baby stuff and added a few new things. I didn't paint on the walls or anything because we were just here for a year...so I added things like blankets, Tara's art and wall adhesives to bring some personality to the room. All of the furniture is mismatched; the rocking chair and crib were brand new when we bought it but the other pieces are vintage.

 Light just pours in through the window...and this is the perfect spot to read, cuddle or hang out. I love those bright, cheery curtains (they are the same ones I had in her old nursery)...I picked them up at Wal-Mart and they transform the whole room in  a second!! . I did that huge painting over her dresser...it reads "she has a heart-full of hope and a pocket-full of dreams" 

This is a painting that Tara and I worked on...I framed it and it hangs above her rocking chair. The cheerful circles are wall adhesives that are fun and easy to remove.

A tea canister that I use as a vase. I love it that in Ca. I can just walk out the back door and pick  a few roses anytime I want!! I always try to keep some fresh flowers in her room.

This was such simple project and is probably one of Tara's fave things in her nursery. I made this banner by cutting out triangles from patterned paper, punched holes on each side of the top end, threaded it with pretty ribbon and hung it up. It took me about 15. mins from start to finish! It really brightens up a room. So fun and playful.

I bought this hand embroidered piece of fabric from an antique store for a steal...it was actually a table runner. I then made it into a little pillow for Tara and ...she adores it!!

This here is a handmade bookend that I have had since I was ...about 20!! I saw it in an Indonesian art store back when I was in university and had to have it. I never imagined it would one day end up in my little girls' room...mommy and baby kitty...love!!

Another vintage find...an old bottle. I turned it into a magic "believe" bottle by adding some words and dressing it up a little. Tara and I have lots of fun making up all sorts of stories about hopes, dreams and what happens when we believe.

Since I am already cooking up ideas for Tara's nursery in our new home...I wanted to share few a tips I have learned along the way.
*Safety, safety, safety. This is always the number one priority above all else. I try to get down to Tara's height and see if there are things I have missed (cords, sharp edges, etc etc)
*I try to pick three main colors and go with it. In this nursery it is about 60% pink, 25% yellow and the rest is neutral (whites and creams). I want the room to be bright and cheerful but also soothing; not too loud and distracting.
* I create a few mood boards with different color, fabric and texture combinations to see what works. This makes things so much easier when you actually go to decorate. I also write down ideas and do sketches in my journal so I don't forget!
* When purchasing big ticket items, I go for quality and keep in mind what can grow with Tara.

* Decorating doesn't have to be expensive!! Antique/vintage finds, children's art work, using things you already have in new ways...all go a long way.
* the easiest and cheapest way to transform a room is with paint. But if that in not practical (say you are renting etc) then curtains, artwork and blankets/linens/cushions perk up a space in a minute!!
** I picked these books up at the library and they are amazing. love!!
-Kids' Rooms Decorating Ideas and Projects (Better Homes and Gardens)
-The New Smart Approach to Kids Rooms- Megan Connely
-Simple Solutions Kids' Spaces-Coleem Cahill
Thanks so much for looking!! And if you have any of your own ideas you would like to share...I would love to read them!

food for the soul

Today was full of nourishment...food for the soul!! Right in the middle of all this packing and moving chaos ...today was a day to just ...enjoy! Tara, Mary and I headed out at 10 this morning ...we came across this charming British shop that had this old fashioned telephone booth outside. Isn't it gorgeous?? There were all sorts of goodies inside that I had completely forgotten about but were staples in my childhood-Birds Custard, Flake (chocolate), mince pies, Ovaltine, porridge, ginger beer. There was also a proper English tea laid out on a little table that Tara had so much fun playing with, I had to coax her away.  

We stumbled upon this amazing Art Foundry. It was closed but had the most amazing drawings and paintings inside. Through the glass windows I could see pottery pieces, huge colored drawings and portraits...wall to wall art!!!

Mary found this beautiful Mediterranean cafe...the walls were painted a deep deep yellow, there were stained glass pieces catching the sunlight in the window and it smelled heavenly (coffee and pesto!!) . It was cozy and spacious all at once...with little European paintings hanging on the wall alongside exotic sculptures from India and Indonesia!! The food, need I say, was a little slice of heaven...we had a flatbread pizza (grilled chicken, pesto and artichoke) with a side of hummus.

I am really really going to miss Mary!! Throughout this year in Ca. I have been able to pop over next door anytime at all. She has doted on Tara, fed us her famous Italian cooking and listened to me through my joys and tears. We have laughed and talked and learned from each other. She is just so sweet and sassy and has a heart the size of Texas!! No kidding! She took me out to lunch today to celebrate my magazine article in Somerset. I told you she was sweet:) We are seriously going to miss her.

I tried out loose leaf tea...and it was simply divine!! The perfect cup of tea...I am hooked! For real.

Went to a fabric store and drooled over all the spools of thread, yarn, bolts of luscious cloth. As soon as we get settled I am going to buy a sewing machine...I have tons and tons of projects I want to do. I am writing them all down in my journal...so excited.

Finished off the evening with some reading.  Ever since I was about 16 or 17 years old, I have read Sanskrit and Buddhist philosophy. I mean the really difficult texts that you need 4 Ph. D.'s to understand!! I should say I tried to read them because I could never really grasp their meaning. I knew there was wisdom in those pages...but I wasn't able to understand any of it. It was so esoteric and difficult to make sense of..."it is but it isn't" and so on. What the blazes did it all mean?? Anyways...I love how Pema Chodron minces it all down in easy to understand language that I can really grasp. She distills all of that wisdom and mixes it in with her no nonsense approach. Loving this book!

"comfortable with uncertainty"

                                                    (on my easel right now)
Things are moving along so fast over here for us...we are loading up our first POD this weekend. So what that means is packing, packing and more packing!!! Everything is an absolute mess...with boxes everywhere. I have been painting these last few nights...because next week my studio gets packed up:( Just getting into my studio at night, after Tara goes to sleep, is such a breath of fresh air...grounding me and sustaining me right now. We have bought  a home...and while I am excited about that part of it...this is that in-between phase of complete uncertainty. Are we going to have good neighbors, are we going to make friends and become part of a community??? Is Tara going to be happy in our new home? Plus...I am going to miss all the people I have met here in Ca. this past year. Tara has awesome teachers and loves her classes. This has become her home for the past year; she is already upset about having to move. So...while there is so much excitement about getting settled...there is also a lot of trepidation; some fear and uncertainty. It seems fitting, then, that the book I am reading right now is called "Comfortable with Uncertainty" !!!! by Pema Chodron. Just started it...I bought it because of  a recommendation from Jane. The Universe has impeccable timing and, it seems, quite a sense of humor:)
***N.B.   My Etsy shop is closed and will re-open soon.

random this and that

(winter on the Ca. coast-a few weekends ago)

I can't believe that our year in California is almost at a close...it seems like we just got here!! I am wondering where all the time went to, why I didn't get together with the girls (Patty, Jane and Pat H. ) more often and how much Tara has grown. Is it just me or is it that as we get older time just flies by at lighting speed?? I also realise how much I have grown through blogging. These honest and deep connections that I have made with so many of you has sustained, nourished and supported me through some very difficult times. Thank you!! You know...before I started my blog about 2 years ago, I was a new mom coping with a lot of things. I was isolated, trying to cope with being a brand new mamma  and being bombarded with a lot of negativity that left me angry and spiraling into a depression. But once I took a leap of faith and plunged into this brand new world of the blogging community...my life literally changed!! I started to get a different perspective, become stronger and more mySELF. Now...with these few weeks ahead of me that  are filled with crazy packing, moving etc...my blog has become that much more important to me...a lifeline with connections, support and therapy...uh...I mean my creative outlet:)

Oh! and I came across this delicious poem last week...I have been thinking about it ever since. I wrote it down in my journal and love it to pieces.

"Moon marked and touched by sun

my magic is unwritten

    but when the sea turns back

    it will leave my shape behind "

                                         -from A Woman Speaks by Audre Lorde

I love Audre Lorde...her warrior/poet spirit touches me to my core. When she wrote her Cancer Journals she really worried that she wouldn't have time to complete her work...that she had left so much unwritten.

It inspires me to continue doing my work now while I am able. Just some random thoughts here and there. I hope you all  have a great day!!

some thoughts on trusting our heart, being published and working through our fears

(following her true-prints available soon)

"Our work is to show we have been breathed upon - to show it, give it out, sing it out, to live out in the topside world what we have received through our sudden knowings, from body, from dreams and journeys of all sorts."            -Dr. Clarissa Pinkola Estes

(yesterday afternoon)

When I went to the mailbox yesterday...I found this complimentary copy of the Somerset Gallery issue...thank you Somerset!!  I was shocked to discover that my name is on the cover!!! Thank you again Somerset!! But...I am getting ahead of myself...let me tell you the full story. For months and months I agonized and procrastinated and then...agonised some more about submitting some of my artwork to Stampington. All my fears, insecurities and inadequacies came knocking loud and clear...do you know what I mean?? Who do you think you are, your work isn't good enough, bold enough, different enough, too different on and on. Uh...it wasn't pretty!! But one day...earlier on this year...I sat down, took a deep breath, gathered up every ounce of courage I had and sent off a box. Then I agonised some more!! But as the weeks wore on I decided to surrender...and hope.

(yesterday afternoon- reading my article)

But...let me go back in time even more. When I was a very young teen (about 13 or 14 years old) I had so many many dreams. Writing, painting, photography, drawing, sewing...on and on. But my dreams had no air to breathe or wings to fly. I couldn't lay down any foundation beneath them because I was too busy putting one foot in front of another....just trying to survive. My life at home was violent; full of pain and abuse. My life at school was marred by racism and trying to adjust to a very foreign way of life in Canada. I was forced to live in two very different worlds; and here I stood, always at the edge of both. A stranger to mySELF. All of this was a heavy burden for such a young heart to carry.

So...yesterday afternoon as I sat there on my couch, reading my article in Somerset...I was in awe and gratitude at the depth and breadth of my journey. I take none of this for granted...here is my soul spilled out onto these canvases and pages... but it all started a very long time ago when I decided to trust mySELF and stand in my truth. None of it has been easy, mind you, but it has been necessary. The tears and heartache, the surrendering to my fears...the shame and truthtelling....have all made way for this space right here;  where I can simply be who I am.

                                                           (sooooooo excited!!)
And my sweet baby girl Tara was soooo excited to see mommy's art in a magazine. She said to me "you did such a good job Mommy. I'm going to give you a Dora sticker." :) My heart just melted all over the place. It all feels a bit surreal to see my art in one of my favorite magazines...but I am just soaking it all in. Thank to each and every one of you for your kindness and support. It means more to me than you will ever know. xxx

P.S. And a big huge thanks to Kelly Rae Roberts' Flying Lessons. I took her e-course last year and it totally rocked!! It was just the right amount of sass, kick in the pants and practical knowledge that I needed to get me going. I totally recommend this class...thank you Kelly Rae!!