breaking open

(one of my recent sketches)

After a lot of self reflection, honesty, frustration, journaling, reading, painting, sketching, crying  and heart to heart talks with a few women I admire + trust implicitly...I realise that I have to unlock my pain. I have such deep scars + suffering; wound upon wound...some fresh + some so old and buried away I really can't remember them anymore. But they are there...hidden and not so hidden. I have to unlock them so I can bring all of me to my art. While I am very happy with my body of work so far...honestly...I think that my ladies are all too pretty...too perfect and I am really trying to work on that. I want their beauty to come from pain + honesty + rawness + yes...ugliness too because that's where their real beauty lies. But...I think that I have so much pain inside of me...that if I have to go inside and open it all up...I will fall apart. And I can't fall apart right now!!! My family needs me to be together...and my art needs me to break wide open.

I have been doing a lot of sketches lately...more imperfect + undone. And I am very happy with the direction they are going in. I don't know how (or even if) they are going to translate into my paintings but...I like this way of surrender and opening up. I like this path of non-judgement, vulnerability and not being in exile from mySELF. It feesl true and strong and wise. I trust it.

(yesterday...self portrait with sunrays + tree)

And time and time again...I am reminded of my younger, more closed off self. The self that was too scared to try. The self that was too broken to believe in mySELF and I know that she is looking at me now and smiling proud. I know that there are some pieces of me that are always always going to be broken...that are never going to heal. And that's okay. They aren't meant to. They have their own beauty + purpose. And there are some parts of me that are going to mend stronger like steel and nourish and fortify. And there are other pieces, too, that are ...as they have always been for us all...pure and untouched. xxx

see me true

(always see me true, archival print available here!)

"I asked God if it was okay to be melodramatic
and she said yes
I asked her if it was okay to be short
and she said it sure is
I asked her if I could wear nail polish
and she said honey
she calls me that sometimes
she said you can do exactly what you want to
Thanks God I said
And is it okay if I don't paragraph my letters
Sweetcakes God said
who knows where she picked that up
what I'm telling you is
Yes Yes Yes"
                -Kaylin Haught, "God Says Yes to Me" from The Palm of Your Hand
*isn't this the most delicious poem you have ever read? I came across it in this book I am currently reading. It's all about living intentionally and on purpose...focusing on what really matters. She starts off the book by saying that at some point, we are all only going to have 37 days left to live. What would you do if those 37 days started right now? It certainly puts things in perspective. Me...I would spend my last days with my Tim and Tara, dear friends...with my cheek pressed against a tree, sunshine on my face...breathing in roses and wildflowers, swallowing the ocean...painting, reading poetry , eating pasta and Godiva. I would listen to opera, sing at the top of my lungs, laugh more and not worry two licks about tomorrow. And all the pettiness in day to day life...so not important! How about you?

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I have a free print giveaway in my previous post!! I will be announcing the winner next Monday so please stop by and leave a comment!