(one of my recent sketches)
After a lot of self reflection, honesty, frustration, journaling, reading, painting, sketching, crying and heart to heart talks with a few women I admire + trust implicitly...I realise that I have to unlock my pain. I have such deep scars + suffering; wound upon wound...some fresh + some so old and buried away I really can't remember them anymore. But they are there...hidden and not so hidden. I have to unlock them so I can bring all of me to my art. While I am very happy with my body of work so far...honestly...I think that my ladies are all too pretty...too perfect and I am really trying to work on that. I want their beauty to come from pain + honesty + rawness + yes...ugliness too because that's where their real beauty lies. But...I think that I have so much pain inside of me...that if I have to go inside and open it all up...I will fall apart. And I can't fall apart right now!!! My family needs me to be together...and my art needs me to break wide open.
I have been doing a lot of sketches lately...more imperfect + undone. And I am very happy with the direction they are going in. I don't know how (or even if) they are going to translate into my paintings but...I like this way of surrender and opening up. I like this path of non-judgement, vulnerability and not being in exile from mySELF. It feesl true and strong and wise. I trust it.
(yesterday...self portrait with sunrays + tree)
And time and time again...I am reminded of my younger, more closed off self. The self that was too scared to try. The self that was too broken to believe in mySELF and I know that she is looking at me now and smiling proud. I know that there are some pieces of me that are always always going to be broken...that are never going to heal. And that's okay. They aren't meant to. They have their own beauty + purpose. And there are some parts of me that are going to mend stronger like steel and nourish and fortify. And there are other pieces, too, that are ...as they have always been for us all...pure and untouched. xxx