notes from the journey...2

 "All that you are seeking is also seeking you. If you sit still it will find you. It has been waiting for you for a long time." -Dr. Clarissa Pinkola Estes (WWRWTW)
My healing journey has been unfolding at it's own pace...often taking me to places I prefer not to go...but desperately need to. Where are these places? These places are dark and shrouded in secrecy...my childhood, my past, mySELF. It's taking me to truth...to seeing (really seeing) things as they truly are...not as I would have liked them to be, not as I was told they were...but truth...raw and real has left me wanting to crawl back into the darkness. But the funny thing is...once you initiate the journey to truth...you can't turn back; you can't "un-see" what you see or "un-know" what you know. And another "funny" thing is...they are things you have always deep down known...but decided to hide from yourSELF. Either because you had to in order to physically and psychologically survive your environment...or because it was simply too painful to bring out into the light. But we know...we deep down know. Our body knows, our intuition knows...our very being simply knows. And trusting ourSELVES with what we know is often a first step in healing and empowerment. Deeply listening, honoring and giving voice to our experiences can be the first step to healing.

 “We are not what happened to us,
we are what we wish to become.”- C.G. Jung

  And so, right now, my healing journey has taken me to confronting my shadow. It's difficult and...I don't want to do it. Truthfully...it terrifies me. Which is why I know...this is exactly what I need to be doing. I came across this fearlessly authentic book where Alyce Barry talks (with so much detailed honesty) about her own journey...and it has given me courage to do this work also. It's difficult...and I want to give up every step of the way. Which is exactly why, I deep down know... I must not.

"Do I contradict myself? Very well, then I contradict myself. I am large, I contain multitudes."
                                                                                                                    -Walt Whitman

 
 "I want to think again of dangerous and noble things. 
I want to be light and frolicsome.
I want to be improbable, beautiful and afraid of nothing, 
as though I had wings."
                                                    Mary Oliver
 And the very best reasons that keep me moving forward, inward and toward the light? Right here, right here...right here. 
xxx

synchronocity, painted paper dolls and a life made by hand: some ramblings

 "When women reassert their relationship with the wildish nature, they are gifted with a permanent and internal watcher, a knower, a visionary, an oracle, an inspiratrice, an intuitive, a maker, a creator, an inventor, and a listener who guide, suggest and urge vibrant life in the inner and outer life."        -Dr. Clarissa Pinkola Estes

 When the awesome + talented Danielle Daniel offered her Painted Paper Doll class I immediately knew that I had to take it; it simply spoke to my soul. It wasn't because it would help my art or creativity or any of that...it simply called out to my soul and I listened. It was a little intimidating to think of venturing into papier mache...I had never done it before and it's totally out of my realm of experience. I had seen her impossibly sweet + precious little dolls and swooned over them but thought...impossible!!! I can't do that! But I signed up anyway. Okay...so here's the story of what happened. Her class started last Monday and just the day before I had picked up Dr. Clarissa Pinkola Estes audio tape of The Red Shoes from the library. As I sat to make my doll at my studio table...I listened to Dr. Estes talk about recovery of the soul and a "life made by hand". It seemed quite extraordinary but totally normal all at once...but everything she was talking about completely and utterly echoed what I was doing with my doll. I felt caught in that magical space of synchronicity where everything feels free and easy and flows from a place that is vast and untouchable. A space that is all at once scared yet accessible to us all once we let go and trust our intuition; our wiser all knowing self that speaks to us in myriad ways both large and small. I was riding this huge wave of absolute joy...making my paper doll and knowing that the Universe was affirming me; it felt so good!! 

Then...because there are stage to making the doll with allowing the glue to dry etc...I had a whole story planned out for this girl. But when I woke up on October 10...I heard that Malala Yousafzai had won the Nobel!!! Okay...after I cried my eyes out...my doll took on a life of her own...meet Girl Rising. Totally inspired by girls all over the world who are denied their basic rights (to food,medicine, education) and sometimes...their very lives (gendercide). These children are sold into prostitution, child labor or child marriage and their very lives are disposable. Entire childhoods are eradicated and souls are destroyed all because the overculture deems that girls are not equal to boys.How many of these children are lost...we will never know. Yet still...out of all this muck and violence...there are girls who rise. Girls who defeat the odds and follow their hearts...who speak up and remain true to themselves and their calling. There are girls who say "NO!!! I will not be silenced and reduced"... they rise.

 I am seriously loving this class you guys...and absolutely and wholeheartedly recommend you taking it if you feel it calling to your soul...if it speaks to you in some way. Daniel's videos are so easy to follow and her class materials are so minimal you could actually find most of it at home! I am totally loving my dolls and the entire process...and the best part?? It's simply so much fun!!

The Late Bloomer

 "It is that holy poetry and singing we are after. We want powerful words and songs that can be heard Underwater and over land. It is the wild singing we are after, our chance to use the wild language we are learning by heart under the sea. {...} To live this way is a cycle in itself, one meant to go on, go on, go on."  - Dr. Clarissa Pinkola Estes
 As if I needed another reason to love, adore and be completely smitten with Dr. Estes. I have been listening to The Late Bloomer audio series this past month...I have it playing every single chance I get and the wealth of stories, healing and connection she offers is breathtaking. Life changing...truly.I can't even begin to go into the layer upon layer of psychic magic she works...where would I start?? 
For so much of my early life I thought that if you hadn't come into blossom + bloom by the time you were of a certain age...then all was lost. So many people around me had figured out (or so it seemed) what they wanted to do in life while I floundered around lost and searching...sometime drowning + gasping...very very broken. What I didn't know at the time was that all of this breaking open had deep meaning; it was soul medicine. In the losing of mySELF was the finding of mySELF. And sure...my path was definitely not linear...more of a zigzag kind of thing; one step forward, two steps back. But deep within all of this healing lay the seeds of strength, tenacity and beauty; the makings of an invincible heart.

"To be ourselves causes us to be exiled by many others, and yet to comply with what others want causes us to be exiled from ourselves." - Dr.  Clarissa Pinkola Estes
  In this series one of the things  Dr. Estes talks about is how, when we "lie in a bed not of our own making" ie. live our lives according to the proscriptions of others (society, culture, whatever else) ...we simply cannot thrive. It is only when we look deep within our hearts and define, for ourSELVES, how we want to live our lives...that is what leads to blooming. Taking the power away from the "overculture" (as Dr. Estes puts it) and placing it where it belongs; within our deepest selves is the key to doing our life's work. Work that is not always easy, approved of or successful but work that has deep meaning and feeds our soul.

"La Loba sings over the bones she has gathered. To sing means to use the soul-voice. It means to say on the breath the truth of one's power and one's need, to breathe soul over the thing that is ailing or in need of restoration. This is done by descending into the deepest mood of great love and feeling, till one's desire for relationship with the wildish Self overflows, then to speak one's soul from that frame of mind. That is singing over the bones."
                                                                                                  -Dr. Clarissa Pinkola Estes

making space + opening up

 Dear friends...so much is happening over here I can hardly catch up with it all! Excitement and adventures and long long days...but totally inspired and open to all the goodness. I am leaning more and more into my two words for the year (surrender + faith). As I get older, I realize how we have so little control over so much in life...that for all our plans and hard work and what we thought life would be...a lot of times we simply have no control over circumstances. Still...we try our very best each day and...maybe there are bigger dreams for us in ways we couldn't have imagined. That's how I am feeling these days. Blissed out in an exhausted kind of way:)

 I have been working at the kitchen table again...my art journal (using the kit from Invincible Heart Co.) is coming along and taking on a life of it's own. I am loving all the experimenting, messes and discoveries along the way. Been listening to The Late Bloomer (by Dr. Clarissa Pinkola Estes) audio series while I work and I just cannot tell you the sheer  brilliance of it!!! Every single word, nuance and breath goes straight to the very heart and soul of me. Truly...an entirely separate post is needed to talk about this bit of goodness. I signed it out from the library but am just going to have to purchase it.

 And through it all...I have been trying to practice courage. My friend Dee (an artist from across the way in England) made me these gorgeous affirmation notes last year that I have stuck up all over the place. For some reason...the exact one I need seems to be in the right place at the right time and bathes me with love.

 Been catching up on some quiet time and reading as well. Even though I can't quilt..I adore looking through books like this one. Quilting is such an art form that combines story and place with pattern and color. Totally fell in love with this book...a cup of tea and 15 mins. looking through these pages leave me...enchanted. 

And I have been paring down big time around here...it started with my clothing and I've moved out into the entire house. Can you believe I set my goal to have no more than 50 items in my closet??? Of course...ahem...that doesn't include shoes:) If it didn't fit, if I hadn't wore it in the past 6 months or if it wasn't practical...out it went! So now I adore everything in my wardrobe and I can get dressed in 5 mins. with no fuss. It feels so liberating and ...like  a breath of fresh air to make space for the person I am today (not the one I was 5-10 years ago or who I thought I was or wanted to be etc). Now...why didn't I do this sooner??

And I visited Invincible Heart Co. studio last week for a chat regarding some super exciting news (more soon!!) and found this piece of gorgeousness all over the table. This is the new art journal kit for the month and am loving the all the butterflies this beautiful lady is wearing. was so happy to see all the goodness emerging! Thanks so much for letting me take some pics + sharing your work Aimee:)

And to top it all off...just when I thought my little girl couldn't get any more adorable...she lost 2 of her front teeth last week!!! There was much excitement, a visit from the tooth fairy and the realization that life is precious and brief and magical. xxx

adventures in using a mixed media kit!!!

“The creative force flows over the terrain of our psyches looking for the natural hollows, the arroyos, the channels that exist in us. We become its tributaries, its basins; we are its pools, ponds, streams, and sanctuaries. The wild creative force flows into whatever beds we have, those we are born with as well as those we dig with our own hands. We don’t have to fill them, we only have to build them.” - Clarissa Pinkola Estés, Women Who Run with the Wolves.

Truthfully...I've never used a mixed media kit before. I'm not quite sure why...maybe it's because I never knew they even existed?? Anyways...for the past week I've been using this art journal kit from Invincible Heart Company and oh my!!!! ...it's jump started my creativity in ways large + small. The first thing is...I turned our kitchen table into my art table. Yes...I have a home studio...but things are more comfy + cozy at the kitchen table...the sunlight pours in from all sides and tea is readily available:) Tara and I are ecstatic about our new arrangement...uh...Tim, not so much:)

So...I opened up the kit and laid everything out...there were things I had never even seen before!!!! Just magical, fantastical, super cute stuff!!! Who knew??? It was a little bit intimidating...what was I going to do with all this stuff? Right away...I set a few goals to keep me on track:
* I was going to use up every bit of the kit...especially the stuff that challenged/frustrated me
* I was going to establish the format of my art journal (I decided on a made- from -scratch journal)
* And the most important rule????? Get out of my own way!!! (Easier said than done!)

I added some of my own materials, of course. A pair of 7 Gypsies book boards (to make my front and back covers), watercolor paper (140lb rough), paper cutter, stamps, ink pads, markers, tapes, acrylics, inks etc.

And then I just went to town!!! The pages are fairly small (5.5 x 7) so I laid them all out on the table...added the patterned papers, acrylic paints, tapes, stains...

This right here is one of my all time fave. art supplies...Liquitex Acrylic Ink in Burnt Sienna. It creates such gorgeous aged surfaces; a little jar of magic!!  If I mix it with Paynes Grey...I get even more depth and luscious color!!!! LOVE!

This musical stamp came from the kit...the possibilities are endless with this and I can't even believe all the great stuff I can create...dresses, hair, backgrounds...on and on!

 

Oh my!!!!! The metaphors with this bit of gorgeousness are endless....

Magic...and serendipity

Loving these painters markers I picked up at the craft aisle in Wal-Mart!!!! I decided to try a few of them out and...love!!! So great for writing or mark making. Lush, rich color with great flow. Much better than tons of way more expensive markers I've picked up over the years that always seem to clog up at some point.

Love this gold paint...

 "I'll tell you right now, the doors to the world of the Wild Self are few but precious. If you have a deep scar, that is a door; if you have an old, old story, that is a door. If you love the sky and the water so much that you almost cannot bear it, that is a door. If you yearn for a deeper life, a full life, a sane life, that is a door." - Clarissa Pinkola Estes
 I decided that my art journal is going to tell the story of where I am right now in my life...it's going to speak of all the frustrations, insecurities, vulnerabilities and healing. It's also going to tell my story of love + joy, possibilities + creativity...of all that I am on the cusp of...if I surrender, have faith and ...get out of my own way!!!

 "Stay with it. By insisting that nothing will stop us from exercising the animus, by continuing our soul spinning
wing- making ventures, our art, our psychic mending and sewing, whether we feel strong or not, whether we feel ready or not." -Dr. Clarissa Pinkola Estes
 And this is what emerged on my first completed page!! I love the raw, unfinished feel to it (I actually kept a rip in the paper for her face)...and used the patterned background paper for her crown. That's one of the things I love about art journals...there's just something about this medium that facilitates freedom, experimentation and play!!!! So excited to see what emerges!!!
Happy weekend friends!! xxx

wish for today

"We do not become healers. We came as healers. We are. Some of us are still catching up to what we are.We do not become storytellers. We came as carriers of the stories we and our ancestors actually lived. We are. Some of us are still catching up to what we are. We do not become artists. We came as artists. We are. Some of us are still catching up to what we are.We do not become writers, dancers, musicians, helpers, peacemakers. We came as such. We are. Some of us are still catching up to what we are.We do not learn to love in this sense. We came as Love. We are Love. Some of us are still catching up to who we truly are." -Dr. Clarissa Pinkola Estes
Trying to remember some of this today. Hope you are too. xxx

"untie the strong woman"

I just received my copy of Untie the Strong Woman by Dr. Estes...and I can't give a review of the book because I'm just into the first chapters...but I can say this. It's a combination of storytelling and teaching, heart and soul, life lessons from one who has been through the fire, lived, thrived  and is is willing to share her experiences. It is far less cerebral than Women who Run with the Wolves and includes quite a bit of Dr. Estes' personal life details. She shares some of her own deeply painful struggles...having difficulties learning, her struggles through school, being a young mother on welfare. She also speaks a bit about the ridicule she faced from academia for the importance she placed on oral storytelling traditions and how she persevered through it all. It's been well over 20 years since she has published a book-although she's always writing and teaching-and I am completely blown away. This book-in essence-is about the Holy Mother, the sacred feminine in all of us. I didn't quite know what to expect when I ordered the book but I know that anything Dr. Estes writes, teaches, talks about...is crazy brilliant. If I were ever in her physical presence-all I would want to do is sit at her feet and listen to her. I love your Dr. E.!!!!  Love you!!!!

creative cycles, journey of SELF, Theatre of the Imagination

(she was on a journey to (SELF) discovery, archival prints available here!))

I have been painting up a storm in my studio these past few weeks...overflowing with ideas... creative fires burning. Just a few months ago I was immersed in a slump and no matter what I did...I simply couldn't get into my studio and paint. Sure I worked on backgrounds and played around a bit but...
 As I mentioned a few posts back, I have been listening to Theatre of the Imagination by Dr. Estes. She talks in depth about the difference between the natural ups and downs of creativity vs. the toxic and unnatural state of polluting our creative channels whereby we don't/can't create. It is a very important distinction and extremely helpful (if you happen to be in a creative slump) to figure out the reason behind it.

Dr. Estes says that every creative cycle goes through periods of being dormant; that is natural and healthy. She equates it to a field that has to lie fallow in order to be fertile in the seasons to come. There is nothing to worry about when you are in this sort of slump...ideas are germinating and seeds are being planted...the soil is being fertilised even though we see no evidence of that.
The toxic pollution state that causes slumps, though, are a completely different matter entirely! This is where we don't create because there is a psychic injury that inhibits us from bringing our creativity to fruition. In this state...we do things like this: we don't even begin, we continually procrastinate or make excuses or...on and on.
But...here's the magical and amazing thing! Our creativity can never be killed off no matter what we do. She goes on to explain how we can use this very situation to deepen our creativity. Have I mentioned how much I love this woman? How valuable her teachings are? For those of us (myself included here!) who haven't had a mentor, an encouraging person in our childhood, a mother who passes down her innate knowledge of the feminine ...Dr. Estes is all of that...and so much more! This series is just smoking hot!

Dr. Estes talks about how everything we need to fuel our creativity is right there within our own psyches, ourSELVES. All it takes is getting out of our own way...and journey back home to SELF.

For me...it was a multitude of things that pulled me out of my slump. I had to be gentle with myself...patient. And I had to take a step back and not force things.

* now go make some art!! or...Laugh, sing, dance...go sit under the fat full moon, eat poems, lay on your back and stargaze...

painting with "theatre of the imagination"

(tonight in my studio)

I have been busy busy painting tonight. There is just something about being all rested and replenished that leads me straight to the heart of creating. I am currently listening to the audio series Theatre of the Imagination by Dr. Estes. Can I just say that she has the most beautiful voice? I mean it is sweet and mysterious, deep and warm...an absolute pleasure to listen to. This is a two volume series of oh!...I think about10-12 tapes. I am listening to them while I paint. She is a master storyteller in the age old tradition...she infuses every word with depth, breadth...nuance and life. This series tells us about our psyche...using fairy tales and archetypal psychology, poetry, life experiences and wisdom. I actually purchase this series last year but with moving etc..I just couldn't get to it. Now is the absolute perfect time, though because I am so open and receptive in a different way than I was even a few months ago.

(She Holds the Key to Knowing, mixed media on canvas)

I just love love love this woman to pieces! Am I gushing?? I have absolutely no shame in my complete and utter embracing of her work and spirit. Every word she speaks is a magical potion of unflinching truth, brilliance and understanding... poetry and wisdom. She combines her life experiences with Jungian (archetypal) psychology to give us the keys to our own knowing. She teaches us how to mend our broken pieces (we all have them) and how to be strong, fierce, vulnerable, kind, strong, loving...human. The part I am deeply deeply listening to right now is all about intuition and insight (inner sight). How our intuition can be weakened and how to retrieve and fortify it. How intuition is linked to every single aspect of our lives and she also speaks of it's relationship to creativity. Juicy good stuff and I highly highly recommend this series to everyone. Any of her work...really.

(side of wood panel)

I am using these deliciously thick wood panels that I discovered at Dick Blick. I just love how thick the sides are. And it is a bit of a different experience painting on wood as opposed to canvas. I love it!
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                                                                (yesterday afternoon)
Tara has been a busy bee creating art too! We have been making a few gifts to send to a few dear, loved ones all over the world. She loves yellows and pinks, blues and greens...watercolors, acrylics, crayons, markers...everything! I just love her complete abandon and confidence. She totally inspires me and I am mindful to bring some of that fearless abandon into my work as well.

This painting right here is for her darling daddy.