what about undoing yourself.
-the fix) -Nayyirah Waheed , Salt
Friends...I haven't written in my blog for some time (about 3 months) because I simply had to gather myself. Undo myself...and then gather myself back up again. That's how the road to recovery continues to be for me...not a linear path but more so circular. A back and forth, sometimes stalling and dead ends...lots of trial and errors and every now and then...acceleration, respite, expansion. I have made it absolutely no secret that I had a horribly abusive childhood...that I come from an extremely toxic and dysfunctional FOO (made even more damaging by the fact that it was portrayed as a loving family). One of the things about abuse (especially childhood abuse) is that there are two main tools of control; one is shame and the other is fear. But (in my own experience) shame is the one that stays the longest, that is the most powerful because long after the fear is gone....shame still persists. Toxic shame to be exact. As a child....when you are constantly abused in every way...devalued and negated....when your experiences are distorted and denied...you tend to internalize the shame and accept that you were abused because you did something to deserve it. Of course....our adult minds know this to be a false narrative but our child selves...in trying to make sense of the abuse, accepts and internalizes the blame as our own. And so we go forward in our lives carrying shame that is not ours to carry. This toxic shame prevented me from speaking up for much of my life because even after I became an adult...there was still a sense of shame regarding my abuse.And it was this all pervasive shame that kept me locked in disconnection, pain and self negation. And of course, abusers want it this way! Fear and shame once internalized prevents people from talking about their abuses, from standing in their truth and owning their stories.
we all break.
It is okay
to hold your heart outside your body
years at a time.
-heal." -Nayyirah Waheed, Salt
But I feel that all the work I have done in recovery this past year has led me to this place right here when I can really look at the toxic shame that was instilled in me and let it go. It's not mine to carry. I can simply...let it go. This realization has freed me, it has brought me to tears and a place of peace and understanding that has evaded me my entire life. I feel as if the Universe has risen up to meet me where I am...and I feel so much gratitude for this gift of grace. So much more to come, friends. So much more to come. xxx