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These past few days have been...strange. I have been so exhausted but...too tired to notice that I'm tired! Has that ever happened to you? Recently it seems that I can sleep for a hundred years!. Well...in the middle of all this tiredness, I have been feeling "not good enough". At first, I thought that my post tonight was going to be a pic and a quote or poem. Sometimes that's all I can muster. But since I really try to bring all of mySELF to this space...I want to claim my "not enough-ness" and say...here life, I offer you my inadequacies and fears and insecurities and...it's enough.
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Lately my not-enough-ness has been looking something like this:
I am not a good enough wife, mother, friend, ____(insert word here). I am not pretty enough, smart enough, funny enough, ____(insert word here). Shouldn't I have figured my life out by now...at least some tiny fraction of it? Shouldn't I be more...assertive, courageous, funny, ____(insert word here). Shouldn't I be painting more, writing more, reading more? I have e-mails to get to, mail to get off, blogs to read...But deep in the thick muck of all this...messiness and ugliness, inertia and self-doubt...lies the brave self I am seeking. She's there somewhere waiting for just this opportunity to show herSELF!
When I can claim all parts of mySELF, my journey, my experiences...when I can sit with these orphaned pieces, give them voice and accept them...then I can teach Tara to do the same. It's a lesson that shows up again and again in my life...do you know what I mean? So as I write this..I hope that my "not enough-ness" is enough. And my wiser SELF says back to me: it is, it is, it is...and so is yours.
8 comments:
We all have these feelings, they creep in when we least expect them, for no reason. We woman are so very complex. We feel so much, hold on to too much. It weighs us down sometimes. Don't be so hard on yourself, you're OK. You need to nourish yourself and not worry about emails/blogs/dishes.
“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate,our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.
It is our light, not our darkness, that frightens us.”
~Nelson Mandela
It is more than enough! We all feel like that sometimes but the bravest thing you can do is to go ahead with your head high even though you don't feel like it. :) Keep going!
Yes, you are enough! (the doubts are actually just letting in a little sunlight and opportunity for growth, so don't let them bother you!)
I think you know, that I know, exactly what you mean! :)
I'm starting to notice that feeling down or not enough is becoming a lesson in my own self worth...telling myself that I am doing the best that I can. I am always doing the best that I can, and I'm sure you are too! How can that be wrong? Tell "yourself" what you would tell Tara if she were feeling "not good enough". XXOO!
i actually have these conversations with myself all the time. i equate being perfect with being worthy, which i am trying to get past. where do we get such harmful thoughts? hopefully, your daughter and her peers will not grow up with these limiting perceptions.
I like to think of a cat. How could a cat not be "good enough"? Or a baby. How can we be not good enough.
You are perfect. Being exactly who you are. Take a nap. Go out in the garden and marvel at the flowers. Life is good. Now if only I can take my own advice.
What - I think it's contagious!! I know you read my post last week and I have seen this same theme on other blogs too!! It's comforting to know that others can relate... I just wrote a follow-up to that post paraphrasing some of the wisdom that was shared - including YOURS!! It's going to be OK and we will talk more about this tomorrow!!! XOX
It happens all the time, Soraya, and I haven't sorted my life out yet and I'm ten years older than you. So there. It's not a question of age. It's just how we are - and it is enough. Completely.
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