letting go: embracing vulnerability and imperfection

This seems to be the theme around here lately...letting go...in all aspects of my life. It took me awhile to catch on, but I believe that's exactly how the Universe works...if you don't pay attention to the delicate nudges...they just get louder and louder! And so I am allowing myself to shed layers and guises, to let go of all that simply has no use in my life anymore. Here is a current work in progress...and I am letting go of what I want the painting to be to bring forth what it wants to be. I have no idea what that is right now...which is frustrating and exciting all mixed up! I am trying out new things and pushing mySELF especially where I sense resistance and tension.I am trying to be vulnerable in my art making, my relationships, my parenting...and it's scary! But, at the end of the day...is there any other way?

 

And...I am cleaning things out everywhere...especially my closet!  I have clothing that I haven't worn for years, that don't even fit me anymore (lifestyle and size!!!) and ...stuff I can't even remember ever buying or wearing!!! Eeeeek!  It was so time consuming to go through everything (I had been putting it off for ages!) but...I finally cleaned out the clutter. And can I just say what a huge difference it has made??? In a practical sense, it's so much easier for me to get dressed now because I can actually find things! But metaphorically...there is a huge sigh of relief, a clearing of space, a letting go of the old to make room for the new. I feel lighter...renewed, refreshed and change, somehow. I can't recommend it enough!

 "Owning our story can be hard but not nearly as difficult as spending our lives running from it. Embracing our vulnerabilities is risky but not nearly as dangerous as giving up on love and belonging and joy—the experiences that make us the most vulnerable. Only when we are brave enough to explore the darkness will we discover the infinite power of our light.” -Brene Brown

 And...my e-course with Oprah and Dr. Brene Brown started today. I am so ready for it...bring on the messiness! I read this book a few months ago and every single word/concept resonated with me...there were aha! moments and deep sighs of relief on just about every page. For so much of my life...I ran away from my story but at some point it simply became too exhausting. I had to sit down and gather up all of me; the shame and vulnerability, the hope and promise, the dark and the light. I simply had to be me!

back in my studio

 

“Listen to your life. See it for the fathomless mystery it is. In the boredom and pain of it, no less than in the excitement and gladness: touch, taste, smell your way to the holy and hidden heart of it, because in the last analysis all moments are key moments, and life itself is grace.” 

                              -Frederick Buechner, Now and Then: A Memoir of Vocation

                                                            

I haven't been painting these past few weeks. With Tim and Tara being sick I just haven't had the time. But this Saturday, I spent all morning in my studio. Bliss!! Just to get in here and open paint jars, dip my brushes in luscious colors and play around...sipping my coffee and listening to Dr. Estes (Theatre of the Imagination). Felt so good!! I am at a cross roads in my art, though. Stuck in that abyss of leaving behind what I was doing yet not really knowing where I am going. Sounds  a lot like my twenties:)

I know that my work is changing. It must. It has to. I feel it. But I keep on reverting to what I know...the comfortable, the familiar. And I have to push mySELF to get to another place. A place where I don't have a clue as to what I'm doing. A place full of frustration. and fear. I have to relax. and trust. And let go. Also... I have to go to that ugly place.

And so I struggle. Feeling my way into the depths of who I am. Into who I want to become. Into where I want my art to go. I have no idea, really. It's all about experimenting and pushing mySELF into the unknown.  Lots of layers and collage and splatters and drips...and then covering so much of it all up with gesso. Lots of reading as well...and pages and pages of writing. This where I am ...and I know that this place of confusion and being stuck has it's value too. Maybe the most value. It's all part of the process. I am listening to my life.

playing + the creative process

Everyone is so different when it comes to their creative process...for me, I find that playing is the key to getting my creative juices flowing. This is one of my art journals/altered books that I am working on. I find that I am so much looser in here. There are tons of layers, papers, drips, splatters and textures. It's  such a great way to experiment and just allow my work to come through. I am starting to paint hands now...so difficult for me! I want to capture movement and humanity in them. Lots of tries, covering up and starting overs:) But...there are no mistakes...only paths and beginnings and new ways:)

Also...using lots of inks (acrylics) that I just love to create lush, vibrant colors and layers. I also love mixing inks with regular acrylics to get rich, glowing colors. Love these Caran d'Ache water soluble crayons too. So fun experimenting with art supplies!

Oh! And this is a picture of me and my girl...at my birthday dinner last week.  4 years ago this time...I was soooooo pregnant...OMG!!! Her birthday is at the end of this month and I just can't believe how the time has flown. Now...she is so grown up, she ordered her own meal (very decisively, thank you very much!) from the waiter and is poised and confident. Also...I have to buy her pants for a 6 year old now because she just sprouted up!!