In Honor of Sister Audre...International Women's Day 2015

"When I dare to be powerful - to use my strength in the service of my vision, then it becomes less and less important whether I am afraid." -Audre Lorde

 "The  fact that we are here and that I speak these words is an attempt to break that silence and bridge some of those differences between us, for it is not difference which immobilizes us, but silence. And there are so many silences to be broken."- Audre Lorde , The Transformation of Silence into Language and Action

"I write for those women who do not speak, for those who do not have a voice because they were so terrified, because we are taught to respect fear more than ourselves. We've been taught that silence would save us, but it won't." -Audre Lorde

 “The language by which we have been taught to dismiss ourselves and our feelings as suspect is the same language we use to dismiss and suspect each other.” -Audre Lorde, Sister Outsider

"You cannot, you cannot use someone else’s fire. You can only use your own. And in order to do that, you must first be willing to believe that you have it.”-I Am Your Sister: Collected and Unpublished Writings of Audre Lorde

 "For we have been socialized to respect fear more than our own needs for language and definition, and while we wait in silence for that final luxury of fearlessness, the weight of that silence will choke us." -Audre Lorde

“The strongest lesson I can teach my son is the same lesson I teach my daughter: how to be who he wishes to be for himself. And the best way I can do this is to be who I am and hope that he will learn from this not how to be me, which is not possible, but how to be himself. And this means how to move to that voice from within himself, rather than to those raucous, persuasive, or threatening voices from outside, pressuring him to be what the world wants him to be.” -Man Child: A Black Lesbian Feminist’s Response, -Audre Lorde

 “To search for power within myself means I must be willing to move through being afraid to whatever lies beyond.”-Audre Lorde, Sister Outsider

 "I am my best work-a series of road maps, reports, doodles and prayers from the front lines."              -Audre Lorde


I remember the very first time I came across Audre Lorde's writings...I was 19 years old, sitting in my Women Studies class...when I first started reading her words. They saved my life!! Her writings literally saved my life!! There I was, a very broken girl pretending to be not broken. There I was floundering and flailing...so very wounded and unsure of myself. There I was...an emotional holocaust. I had survived my extremely abusive and toxic childhood and "family" of origin...and running survival programs that traumatized children have to. I ended up taking my first Women Studies class by accident...just because the Psychology class I really wanted to take was full and this just happened to fit into my schedule kind of thing. But it was her writings that gave me strength and fuel...fire!! I held on for dear life to her words because they were my lifeline to a different world...a world where I could be self determining, a world where my gender would not oppress me and stifle me and put me in a box so tight I couldn't breathe. A world where I was not defined by abuse and trauma. Because she defined herself from divergent perspectives ..."a black feminist lesbian mother poet" is how she described herself...she gave me a way to do that myself. My identity could encompass all of my experiences...I didn't have to be defined by what made others feels safe and comfortable...I could contain multitudes.  I could speak my truth even though I was deeply afraid. Her writings gave me wings and hope; a road map to my own innate power. Her work literally saved me, loved me, empowered me and lit a light within me. How I devoured her writings throughout my life from that day on...memorized parts of her books and tucked them away in my heart...to be used as a soothing balm...over and over and over again.
With honor and deepest respect...dear Sister Audre...thank you!  
 International Women's Day 2015...lets make it happen!!

feministing etc

                                             (Beautiful You, archival print available here)

 “It is not our differences that divide us. It is our inability to recognize, accept, and celebrate those differences.” _Audre Lorde, Our Dead Behind Us: Poems
I'm a feminist! It surprises and confuses me that this word still carries so much weight to it; ugly suppositions and negativity. Anyways...I had no intention of writing a long post this morning but...so much is on my mind and heart. Twitter blew up the other day with feminists from all over the world (women of color) responding with the hashatg #solidarityisforwhitewomen. First thing...I don't agree with the hashtag but I definitely agree with the anger and the necessary dialogue that has to happen. Women Studies was my minor at the  University of Alberta (over 20 years ago now) and the exact same exclusion was apparent then (as it is now). When I took my first class and fell head over heels in love with it...what I didn't immediately realize was the exclusion of women of color; I didn't see myself at all. Nowhere. There was a blank nothing...invisibility, denial or degradation. It was stark and hurtful. So this was feminism...the empowerment of women but where was I??? Why were my concerns not being addressed??? Why was it supposed that all women had the exact same concerns to begin with?? Why was there no talk of the racism apparent in Western feminist thought?? Built into it's very history? Why was there no recognition of white privilege?? So many questions...but no answers!! Equally so...when I tried to talk about feminism to Indian women they looked at me as if I had grown 3 heads. There was a palpable anger, hatred and ostracism that occurred because I identified myself as a feminist. Not to even mention the overwhelming racism that is present in Indian culture as a whole (separate blog post needed here!!). One of the things I  quickly realized was this right here...just because you are a woman, doesn't make you my sister. So true, so true. 

 “My silences had not protected me. Your silence will not protect you. But for every real word spoken, for every attempt I had ever made to speak those truths for which I am still seeking, I had made contact with other women while we examined the words to fit a world in which we all believed, bridging our differences.” -Audre Lorde
   Thankfully I found the works of Audre Lorde, Alice Walker, Toni Morrison, Dr. Clarissa Pinkola Estes, Patricia Hill Collins, Bell Hooks, Ntozake Shange, Gloria Anzaldua and more. These women gathered me up, sheltered me, spoke to my deepest heart and threw me a lifeline. They didn't speak for me or tell me what to think or how to feel...they showed me a path so I could think for myself, feel for myself.  But here's the thing...I found these women on my own; they were not included in class discussions and reading materials. Why??? When I  asked my professors I usually got  a blank stare or a sidestepping of my questions. That was over 20 years ago and I had assumed things were better, more inclusive, more representative of who I am in this world...of who I can be. Not so, not so.

 "I was going to die, sooner or later, whether or not I had even spoken myself. My silences had not protected me. Your silences will not protect you.... What are the words you do not yet have? What are the tyrannies you swallow day by day and attempt to make your own, until you will sicken and die of them, still in silence? We have been socialized to respect fear more than our own need for language."  -Audre Lorde
In those 20 years since...I have gone through an evolution within myself and now that I have  a daughter...things are that much more urgent for me. I want her to be whoever she wants to be without any culture or society putting her in boxes of their making. I want her to stand strong in her identity without the negative labelling of race and gender telling her what she should think...who she is. I want her to have the clarity of her voice, the right to her anger and the space to share her stories. I want her to move in this world claiming all of herSELF without having to negate or deny any part of who she essentially is. Her race and her gender make her unique in this world (as they do for each of us)and they are not negatives. But how do I get her to see that when it's so deeply entrenched in every societal institution?? Including western "feminism"

                                              (Magic, archival print available here)

“I am my best work - a series of road maps, reports, recipes, doodles, and prayers from the front lines.” -Audre Lorde

Gender and race don't intersect equally nor does one automatically and generically trump the other. I think it's very individual to each person, the societal context we live in, the histories we carry on our backs and in our hearts. All those many years ago...I didn't see myself being represented in feminism...and even today...I still don't fit in. But this being an outsider -which has caused me so much suffering for most of my life-is such an amazing gift!!! It has been an act of grace that I am thankful for...no boxes to fit in, no path to follow, no ideologies to subscribe to. I can take what I believe, what works for me at his time, what makes my heart sing... from any source. And that is beautiful!!! It's powerful...empowering...feministing. So, friends..while there is much work to be done...we can gather up our voices, share our stories and make ourselves heard. We can. We will. We are!! We are doing the essential work within ourselves, in our partnering and mothering, in our work and communities, our friendships and politics...in our writings. We are!

ways in which I have been silenced + how I retrieved my voice

“and when we speak we are afraid
our words will not be heard
nor welcomed
but when we are silent
we are still afraid
So it is better to speak
remembering
we were never meant to survive"

                                                -Audre Lorde, The Black Unicorn: Poems 

For so much of my life, I have been silenced. As so many of us have been. And there are 101 ways our voices can be extinguished.  Sometimes they are overt ... But more often,  they are so insidious...they sneak up on us.  And envelop us in a cloak of silence without us even knowing. And then...months and years pass by (sometimes...a lifetime) without us realizing that we have been silenced. I am 44 years old right now as I write this, a mother, wife, friend, artist, creative soul...but looking back at my life, I see how this path was forged. Through so much pain, heartache, self doubt and searching through the rubble of my childhood with a blindfold on. But it is the pain that stays with me the most; the pain of betrayal by "family", culture and society but most most deeply ...the pain of me betraying mySELF. And isn't that the most difficult pain to bear? It has been for me.

" I have a duty to speak the truth as I see it and share not just my triumphs, not just the things that felt good, but the pain, the intense, often unmitigated pain. It is important to share how I know survival is survival and not just a walk through the rain.”-Audre Lorde
 Here are some of the (main)  ways I have been silenced
 * violence:  I was silenced by violence (or the threat of violence). Once we have experienced violence, become accustomed to it as a way of life and we are weak and vulnerable...powerless to stop it...then it can silence us. For a while...or forever. Violence can steal our voices from us and hide them, lock them away. It can make us feel and think that we are "bad", inadequate, at fault, no good and these can all extinguish our voices along with our spirit. And violence is not only the physical assault on our bodies but also the heavy burden of the assault on our spirit and mind. The ways in which we cannot be who we are is a violence upon the very heart of us. I have experienced all of these. I grew up in a violent "family" and culture. I grew up with the experience of violent actions, hearts and words. And cold and utter indifference...which is simply another form of violence, isn't it? 
 *shame: What better way to silence us than to make us carry the heavy burden of shame that is not ours to bear?? Shame can silence us faster than just about anything else. It can make us quiet, unsure of ourselves. It can make us feel + think that our stories are not worth sharing, like it never happened at all. "What? who wants to hear all your crap?" shame screams at us, rendering us powerless and taking away our words. Sometimes shame even steals our hearts. worst...shame lives inside of us and makes us participate in our own oppression. We don't even need an external oppressor anymore; we start to abuse ourSELVES.

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*ostracism: This one is universal. We are tribal by our very nature; we need people, community, family and friends. We are hardwired for love + connection.  And what better way to silence us than to threaten ostracism??? What I have learned (the hard way...by banging my head and breaking my heart) is that if we can't be who we are, if we have to negate the very core of our beings to "fit in"...then it's not our rightful tribe. It's best we are marginalised and get on our way to creating + finding our true place of belonging .A place where we can strive for our best selves. A place where we can sing our true songs, dance our beauty + ugliness + reach for our joy. A place where we can simply...be.

*denial: This can be outright denial as in "you are lying and it never happened" or it can be the more subtle, covert form that ignores your pain and circumstances. It can also be the "lets all pretend" game.  I grew up with lies/denial of all kinds and let me just say that denial is a mental/spiritual/soul sickness. It really is. Because at some point, if you are living in denial for a long enough time...you actually start believing it and you lose yourSELF. You construct relationships, memories, entire worlds...a life...that simply does not exist. I lived like that for many years and had to call my spirit back (little by little) by calling things by their name. Claiming my story...in it's entirety.

*fear:And doesn't fear silence us the most? Fear of all of the above? Fear of being ourSELVES? Fear of being seen for who we really are (flaws + gifts and all)? Fear of being hurt and thrown away; rejected. Humiliated. Fear of not living up to expectations? Fear of making another uncomfortable? fear of ...fear??? Fear of speaking our truth? Fear of...dying and living???
Oh!! the many, many ways we are silenced. Let us name them, claim them and then...reach for something else.

"The most rough and deep of art comes from something no one but you has ever seen/known, walked with...If we want Original Voice, there’s no borrowing, no purloining, no ‘stealing’ from others. There is just you. Radiant one of a kind, blessed, scarred up, scared, sacred, funny, fully embodied, fully ensouled… you." - Dr. Clarissa Pinkola Estes
And so..how did I retrieve my voice? It wasn't just one thing or a straight path. there were missteps, meanderings, dead ends...being completely + utterly lost. There were circumstances. There was fate. There was raw anger, setting (necessary) boundaries and  hard work. There was utter and devastating loss...loneliness...heartache. Being abandoned. More than once.There was my art. There were strong mentors, books, poetry. There are other shining bright souls lighting my way and encouraging me to find mine. There was me birthing...mySELF and my daughter.  There is my husband. True friends. Unbelievable kindness. Other people giving me a chance + believing in me. Kindred spirits. There is a deep and abiding necessity in giving my soul air to breathe. There is not letting what I can't do, stop me from doing what I can do. There is authenticity. Owning my choices...my actions. There is tenderness; being human. Being true to our calling(s). Being seen. Gratitude. There is trusting in my instincts. Honoring the small lost child from long ago. There is self care. There is SELF. There is sensuality. Sexuality.

 

"I am my best work - a series of road maps, reports, recipes, doodles, and prayers from the front lines.” -Audre Lorde
There is believing in my work and mySELF... there is the knowing that there are others out there, just like me who will receive my words and experiences with love and infinite grace. There is telling my story. There is heart, intuition, surrendering to the moment; to what is. And in every single step...there is our journey...that rises up to meet us when we let go of the life we think we should have had... and accept the life we have. There is knowing that I am enough. There are trees + birds and black soil. There is air + breath + hope. There is generosity of spirit...magnanimity of heart. There is life...our lives...in all it's glory and suffering and faulty steps. There is showing our clumsy steps to the world...falling...and getting up (and repeating 100X). There is transforming fear into faith. All of this...and more. There is this very moment; life.  Grace. 

storytelling from the soul, a dream come true and the story behind it

I am so giddy with excitement to share with you that my art is on the cover of the current Art Journaling magazine!!! Can I say that this is an absolute dream come true? That my heart is overflowing with gratitude? That I started crying when I actually saw the cover? (is that silly??) That Tim and Tara are so so proud of me that it makes me crazy happy?
And can I share the back story of how this all happened?
Last summer I was going through a creative rut...stuck and stuck and then stuck some more. So I decided to take a short break from painting and immersed myself in reading and writing. One of the books I re-read was an all time fave.of mine called "Sister Outsider" by Audre Lorde. I hadn't read it since my 1st year in university (a gazillion years ago BTW!!) and everything she said resonated with me just as much as it had all that time ago ( maybe more so!). Her work gave me strength and clarity that I could then apply to my own work; what a gift!  I read, I cried, I wrote, I read some more...I cried some more. I had little stickies pasted everywhere...because if you've ever read Audre you know that everything she says is a quote!!

                                                       (a page from my Outsider Journals)
Truth: All my life I have been an outsider...to my "family" of origin, my culture and society. I just didn't fit in anywhere. It has been  a deeply painful experience...isolating and full of shame. All the trying to fit in but it never happening. All the "what if's" and ostracism. But there have been innumerable gifts that have come with it. So while re-reading Sister Outsider, I had an aha! moment. What if I not only embrace my outsider-ness but celebrate it as well???
This quote right here:
"Those of us who stand outside the circle of this society’s definition of acceptable women; those of us who have been forged in the crucibles of difference ... know that survival is not an academic skill. It is learning how to stand alone, unpopular and sometimes reviled, and how to make common cause with those others identified as outside the structures in order to define and seek a world in which we can all flourish. It is learning how to take our differences and make them strengths."
                              -The Master's Tools will Never Dismantle the Master's House, by Audre Lorde from Sister Outsider
...inspired my entire journal called the Outsider Journals.  

I went back to my art excited and inspired! I felt that each page in my journal gathered up entire pieces of my life, struggles and journey and i poured out my heart and soul. Creating the journal was cathartic and life changing and because it was private, I felt so free to allow all of mySELF and the deepest parts of my soul to shine through ! After I completed the journal I thought I could someday pass it along to Tara; it would be a road map of sorts that might inspire her to forge her own path.

Then one day we were at the bookstore and I picked up a copy of  Art Journaling mag and started reading it; my heart started racing, let me just tell you! What if I sent in my (very personal, very private) Outsider Journals ???). Eeek! Do I dare? I went back and forth, back and forth and all of my deepest darkest fears came up to the surface. What if they laughed at me? what if  I'm not really an artist? not a real one, anyway? what if I made a complete fool of myself? On and on...and on and on. 

                                                       (self portrait -Jan, 2013,  44 years young)
And then I took a big huge breath ...and knew in my heart that I deeply believe in my art and my work and I allowed that to guide me. All the things I write about on my blog that I deeply deeply believe with all of my heart + soul...( cultivating courage, I am enough, being vulnerable, being seen etc)...well, I had to put them into practice now (so so difficult) and get out of my own way!  I also know that not fitting in is an archetypal experience that most of us experience at some time or another. And the paradox of it is that we all feel so isolated in our shame that we either negate it or  never stop trying to fit in. I felt that maybe there would be other souls who could see themSELVES in my experience and so...I sent off my journal and let go...of all expectations and fears.

And that's how I came to have  6 full pages in the magazine ("Storytelling from the Soul" pg. 54) and my art on the cover as well!! Thank you so much Somerset Studio, Amber Demien and all the staff at Stampington & Company...for giving me this amazing opportunity. Thank you a hundred times over! You all have made one 44 year old woman feel like a teenager with a crush...soul full of stars + stomach full of  butterflies... leaping!  My heart is full.

"sister outsider"

"What are the words you do not yet have? What do you need to say? What are the tyrannies you swallow day by day and attempt to make your own?, until you will sicken and die of them, still in silence? Perhaps for some of you here today, I am the face of your fears. Because I am a woman, because I am Black, because I am lesbian, because I am myself-a Black woman warrior poet doing my work-come to ask you...are you doing yours?" -Audre Lorde

In the first year of university my minor was psychology...by default. I just thought I should go into it because I had absolutely no idea what I wanted to do. I happened to take an entry level Women Studies class because it fit into my schedule...and ...I fell in love!!! Deeply + madly and head over heels. It was instant. I loved the alternate views, the passion, the closely looking at how we construct knowledge.

So...I changed my minor and started taking all sorts of Feminist classes that interested me. But...here's the thing...I studied all of the "classics" from the 2nd wave of feminism (Greer, Steinem, Friedan etc)...and I didn't see mySELF!!! There was an exclusion of women of color that was absolute and pervasive. Throughout my life, I have always felt an outsider...always at the edge...and now here I was again!!!

"I have a duty to speak the truth as I see it and to share not just my triumphs, not just the things that feel good, but the pain, the intense, often unmitigating pain...If what I have to say is wrong, then there will be some woman who will stand up and say Audre Lorde was in error. But my words will be there." -Audre Lorde

So...when I stumbled upon dear soul sister Audrey Lorde...I instantly connected with her on so many levels. I voraciously sought out all of her books and papers and devoured them...it was like a light went on in my in my mind and my soul lit up...I had come home!!! Here was a woman who was unafraid to be herSELF and she threw a lifeline out to those of us who needed it; showing us the way. Not to become like her...but a far greater gift...to become ourSELVES. She created a more inclusive feminism that I could relate to. When I discovered her works...I could breathe!

(a page from my "Outsider Journals"

"Ultimately it comes down to making yourself and the people who can share it with you, in some way, more themselves, to make you more yourself, to make human beings more themselves, and therefore, by extension, better, stronger, more real. Isn't this the function of all art? I mean, get out of the Western Bag, out of "art for arts' sake", out of the perfect circle. A perfect circle is a point. It does not move at all. It's stationary. Let's get out of that. The function of any art is to move, more deeply, to make us more of who we are." -Audre Lorde

Now that I am rereading her works...so many years later...I see things with a new + fresh perspective especially as it applies to my work. Reading "Sister Outsider" gives me strength and inspiration...a new epistemology; "kitchen table politics". I have been working on a journal called "Outsider Journals" ...where I am claiming and celebrating my outsider-ness. It is difficult and painful, there is no denying that, but it has so many gifts to offer. I see that more clearly every single day. To create from the edge...to walk that line of fitting in/not fitting in...leads us to find out true voice.