a SPOOK-tacular weekend!

(good witch Tara)

This weekend was full of hard work-early early mornings, packing, sorting, getting rid of stuff...yet we managed to carve out slices of wonder. What I will remember most about these past few days:
* Tara's Halloween party at her gym
* Carving out the pumpkin (my very first time!)
* Us all dressing up in costume on Saturday evening and going out to a family dinner
* How Tim and I are such amazing partners...we hold each other up and work so well together
*That one day far far away...I will look back on these days and long for all the magic they held...

                                                       (Tara and mommy at gym party)
I dressed up as a cat (meow!) ...Tara's witch hat lasted on her head for about 2 minutes!!

I carved a jack-o-lantern  (my very first time!)...

Hope you all had a BOO-tiful Halloween weekend as well!!

the key to knowing...

                                         (she holds the key to knowing, mixed media)

"As you go the way of life,
you will see a great chasm.
Jump!
It's not as wide as you think"
- Native American as told by Joseph Campbell
This time has been such an emotionally difficult time for me...as I am sure you can tell from my last few posts! I have spent a lot of time thinking about the why of it all. Why is this so difficult? And this is what I realize...it's not about leaving Va or the house or the upheaval...but it has been about this...
It's about the passage of time, change and shedding off the old life. It's about saying goodbye to parts of my life and mySELF that I would have to do even if we stayed here for the rest of our lives. It's about Tara growing up and how it infinitely saddens me and fills me up with joy all at the same time...It's about fear of the unknown and trying to cling to illusion. I have looked deep within mySELF and feel free to let go now. My heart is open and clear and I am ready to step into this part of my journey. We-all of us-hold the key to knowing...if only we trust ourselves to go deep into those dark and messy parts of ourselves. If we allow ourSELVES to be vulnerable, imperfect, honest. If we are able to hold all of our pieces with infinite love and grace and acceptance ...and to step into ourSELVES...whole.

A peek inside my life right now...

These past few days have been such a mixture of emotions...vulnerability, anger, bitterness, hope, laughter and letting go. These are tough times over here for us;  the fabric of life that clothes us all. I am not going to pretend that we have everything together...we don't! We are making decisions day by day. There are boxes everywhere and ...Tara's nursery is all packed up already!! (Thanks so much for all your wonderfully supportive comments re. my last post). And tonight I started on my books. Here's a peek at my life right now...

I bought this book (actually  a museum catalogue) many years ago when I went to see this exhibition at the High Museum of Art . I absolutely love Jacob Lawrence . It was such a treat to see his work in person....his compositions, forms and colors are superb and above all...he is a master storyteller.I found myself reading this book for about a half hour tonight instead of packing up!

Quiet moments stolen away here and there...after Tara goes to sleep. I have been writing my dreams and hopes and burdens. I find it so healing to  lay everything down. It really does wonders for me.

Enjoying my Tara. We spend as much time outdoors as we can...The weather is cooling down but there are still pockets of sunshine here and there that we take full advantage of.

                     (Heart Wide Open, mixed media on canvas, original available here)

 Above all...my heart is wide open...in pain and in joy; it is wide open to life...

Tara's nursery

By the end of this week, Tara's nursery is going to be all packed away so I wanted to give a tour. I put so much of time, energy and love into her room; it's full of personal touches and I am so sad to take it all apart. Here goes...

I bought plain wooden letters from the craft store and decoupaged them with decorative papers to spell her name. I painted the piece over her crib...it reads  "Tara look inside yourSELF, you are Always Protected"

                                                             (close-up of painting)

I hand painted the tree on the wall-it was actually pretty easy. I used a light green for the base wall color and then used masking tape to outline the tree. I filled in the tree shape with a darker green color and...all done!

 This dollhouse bookshelf is so adorable! I bought it from the craft store and hand painted it...

                                                            (side of dollhouse bookshelf)

 ...a faux brick finish and shutters.

Our special reading corner...

Tara's book and toy shelf... (okay, things are never this neat in here!)

I hand painted these flowers on a small cupboard...sorry not a very good pic. I hope that one day Tara will use it for her little girl.

A friend of mine from Canada (thanks Susie!!) handmade this quilt especially for Tara...isn't it beautiful?

All these were special gifts for Tara...

 Her little kitchen where she loves loves loves playing in! I must admit, though...I love playing here even more!!

I made this scrapbook layout for her door...
I had so much fun planning all the little details in her room...Thanks so much for looking!
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We had a really relaxing weekend...lots of tomato soup, rest and TLC. Tim spent tons of time with Tara so mommy got a break.   I am on the mend, thank goodness...we have a hectic month ahead full of sorting, packing and moving. Things are about to get super busy over here!

Life's Journey...

 "But he descended the hill, a sadness came upon him, and he thought in his heart: How shall I go in peace and without sorrow? Nay, not without a wound in the spirit shall I leave this city...
Yet I cannot tarry longer.
The sea that calls all things unto her calls me, and I must embark. 
For to stay, though the hours burn in the night, is to freeze and crystallize and be bound in a mould..."
                                                                          Kahil Gibran, The Prophet
This passage is from one of my favorite books-The Prophet. I always always always turn to these words. So many times we get stuck in our comfort zone and fear change...at least, that's the way it is with me. But life is full of ebbs and flows...we can try to fight against it (as I sometimes do) ...or surrender.

I trust that this journey of life is exactly as it is meant to be...that there is a path ahead...even if I can't quite see where it leads...

Flowers and blessings...

 I had been feeling a little down these past few days; been having a little pity party for myself . Here's the messy truth...I am really not looking forward to this move at all. Okay...I am hating it! Not that I would want to live here in southern Va forever but...I love our home and all the personal touches I put into Tara's nursery and my garden etc. Also...there are just so many moving parts to this whole thing that it seems so overwhelming at times. Added to that...I have totally lost my voice and feel a bronchial cold coming on. So as you can see..I was having a pity party. But then...this morning the sun was out , we went to Panera bread and picked up a delicious turkey sandwich...stopped off at Trader Joes and snatched up some delicious Tomato and Roasted Red Pepper soup and a beautiful bouquet of flowers...

...and this afternoon...Tim had a beautiful bouquet of roses delivered to the door...to cheer me up!! I realise that I have so many blessing to count!  Who can be down with my little Tara giving me hugs and kisses, an abundance of flowers, soup, bread...and all of your well-wishes and kindness? Not me! I am thankful for my abundance of blessings. How about you?

 

                                                                           (roses from Tim)

My heart's song

I feel as if I am the luckiest person in the world to be Tara's mom! She is my heart's song.  Here are a few things about my Tara:
* She really is as cuddly and lovable as she looks! She is all about the cuddles and kisses.
* She slept with me until she was about 8 months old .
* She loves loves loves her veggies!! (no complaints here!).
* She loves climbing everything; she's pretty rough and tumble.
* She acts totally different with me than with anyone else.
* She's mommy's girl...uh, until Daddy is here!

We have had a pretty rough week over here. Tara suddenly and mysteriously came down with a fever ...long long days and sleepless nights. She is on the mend  but guess what?...now I am getting sick! Yikes! Plus we are going to pack out our house in the next few weeks. My printer and scanner arrived many moons ago but it's still in the box! Just trying to keep up with...life over here! It's only 9:15 p.m. but I am going to take some cold medicine and go straight to bed.

our stories...they matter

                                                           (Truthteller, mixed media)
"The healing medicine of story does not exist in a vacuum...There is an integrity to story that comes from a real life lived in it"
                                 - Dr. Clarissa Pinkola Estes , Women Who Run With the Wolves
Our stories matter! They are crucial, binding, sometimes lifesaving and always always always...human. In order for our stories to matter, though, for them to be to be valuable and powerful... I deeply believe that they have to be told with authenticity, truth, clarity, love and the spirit of sharing.

                                                             (Storyteller, mixed media)
We can tell our stories in so many ways...through our craft (writing, painting, photography), the way we love, how we raise our children, the way in which we treat complete strangers. Every thought, feeling and action comes with it's own story...if we listen. We can then share, or not share, these deep truths; the choice is up to us. Storytelling is built into our very souls. It has a history as long as we have walked this earth. It crosses time-lines, cultures, generations...Stories are how we learn, construct knowledge, imagine, live. They give us a deep connection...to each other, to the Universe...to life. We all have a story...many stories. Sometimes there are stories inside of stories, old ones and new ones; some yet to be written.  And they all matter.

 

*speaking of stories... my heart soared at the dramatic rescue of the 33 Chilean miners; they were trapped for 69 days!! Their story is nothing short of a miracle! When so much of the news is bleak and depressing...this is so heartwarming. 

stepping into our power

 

“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness, that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, and fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small doesn't serve the world. There's nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We are born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us, it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”

                                                                                                        -Marianne Williamson

So many of us are fearful of stepping into our power; especially as women. Or we do so in a half-hearted way...lest we offend anyone.  Or maybe we are afraid to claim our power for fear we will have to live up to it. Sometimes...we just don't know how. Here is what I have learned about stepping into my power-not that I am there yet, but I am on my way! It will take my lifetime perhaps...negotiating differences and new situations as they come along...

1. Be true to mySELF.

2. Don't try to please everyone (impossible) and don't pay attention to what others say.

3. Follow my instincts, my gut.

4. Trust in mySELF.

5. One small step at a time.

6. Believe in mySELF, my work.

7. Fight for whats important to me. Some things are worth standing up and fighting for. 

8. Discard gender biases that simply don't work for me.

9. Develop and sustain congruence between my beliefs and actions. 

10. Set boundaries-they work and it gets easier each time you do it!

11. Build a community...blogging has been so amazing for that!

12. Take time to nurture mySELF. 

What are your thoughts on stepping fully into your power?

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I received the most beautiful gift in the mail yesterday from fellow blogger Meegan...it is an angel; from the Demdeco line Willow Tree. It was so thoughtful, sweet and generous...thank you sweet friend! And your card put a smile in my heart:) I am continually reminded of the generosity of this blogging community-whether it be in gifts, words of support , encouragement and time...or the opening up of your stories and your lives with truth and authenticity. This community rocks!!

 

cup of plenty

I have only recently started feeling comfortable inside this life of mine. Where I feel as if...it fits me. Where I feel as if.... this is my little piece of  the world. I can gather all of my pieces here and lay them at the door of life...and walk through; unencumbered. This life of mine is so extraordinary in it's ordinary-ness. I can breathe here...and grow and love and live. I am drinking from the cup of plenty and I know it...
We had a great long weekend. There were walks on the beach, afternoon naps, reading O magazine in the autumn sun and lots of reconnecting; as a family and as a couple. And oh yeah! there were also some Godiva chocolate truffles involved! A little piece of heaven... let me tell you:)

                                                                        (Va Beach)

These past few days...

(working on backgrounds)

These past few days I have been...
*painting
*taking Tara to the park everday (she loves it there)
*logistically planning our move with Tim
*catching up on some reading
*going to bed at a decent hour:)
*planning Tara's Halloween costume (she is going to be the cutest good little witch!)
Tim is here tomorrow and we are leaving for Virginia Beach on Saturday for the long weekend. I can't wait...we really need some R&R over here! I hope all of you have a great weekend too!

Letting go of..."perfect"

(Letting Go Takes Courage, mixed media)

"Ring the bells that still can ring, forget your perfect offering.

There is a crack in everything; that's how the light gets in"

(from the song "Anthem" by Leonard Cohen)

Dr Brene Brown has a week long Perfect Protest going on...and I decided to join! She just wrote a book The Gifts of Imperfection (it's on my reading list) that speaks of developing courage, authenticity and living to our full potential. She says "Being our best selves is about cultivating the courage to be vulnerable, authentic, and  imperfect. Perfectionism, on the other hand, is the belief that if we live perfect, look perfect, and act perfect, we can minimize or avoid the pain of blame, judgment, and shame. It's that simple. Perfection is not about healthy striving or being our best, it's how we protect ourselves."
For me, my late teens and early twenties were the absolute worst time of striving to be perfect. In retrospect, it was absolutely devastating to my psyche; I felt like I was in a prison of my own making...perfectionism. This is what I know about striving to be perfect:
1. it alienates you from that which is raw, honest, authentic, lively, human
2. it cuts off a huge learning opportunity. If we never try or fail, how can we learn and grow?
3. it leads to making fear based decisions (which are never really great choices)
4. there is no such thing as "perfect"; it is chasing after illusion
5. the more "perfect" I tried to appear, the worst I felt inside
6. perfectionism stems from shame, not fully loving and accepting ourSELVES
7. we are not made to be "perfect"
8. we think that perfection can protect us, buoy us up or make us feel worthy but it has the opposite effect
9. thinking we have to be "perfect" sets us up for unhappiness and feelings of inadequacy...low self worth
10. it put a huge weight around my potential, creativity and humanity; it kept me trapped in a dark place
11.  I was unable to connect and relate to others in a meaningful and authentic way
12. it made my false self very strong and shrunk my authentic self

(a pic of me showing the keloid scar I have on my chest-no covering it up!)

There were so many things I didn't even try for fear of failing, so many things I left unsaid ("what would they think?") and so many people I allowed to hurt me. It didn't help that my pseudo tribe ("family" and community) was all about putting on appearances. There was no authenticity to be found and vulnerability was looked upon as a weakness. It look me a very long decade or so of soul searching, mending my soul and fortifying my spirit...finding out who I am and living to the fullness of my capacity.
At this time in my life I can embrace my frailties, imperfections and flaws and know that people who don't accept me as I am don't need to be a part of my life. I hope I can pass these gifts down to Tara so that she can fully accept all parts of herSELF. In letting go of "perfect" I can accept the perfection of...imperfection!

How about you...can you let go of "perfect"?

the art of creativity

 

" Creativity belongs to all of us. To create means to relate. The root meaning of the word art is to fit together and we all do this every day. Not all of us are painters, but we are all artists. Each time that we fit things together we are creating-whether it is to make a loaf of bread, a child, a day"- Corita Kent
I think so many of us are thirsting to know how to become more creative...in our art and our everyday lives. There is so much written on this subject yet it seems so elusive sometimes. Where does creativity come from, can we do specific things to facilitate the process, do we need a muse?

Some of the things I have found that work for me...
1. I paint! I don't wait for inspiration ...I just make a routine of going into my studio and starting.
2. I constantly try new things even when they have nothing to do with art; taking a new walking route, trying out new recipes, going to different ethnic markets.
3. I read read read ...for inspiration, techniques, knowledge.
4. I have a routine that I really try to stick to.
5. I have a practice of meditation. Okay...I don't do it everyday!
6. I write-in my sketchbook/journal; I am constantly writing ideas for paintings and bodies of work.
7. I constantly flex my creative muscles whether it's arranging flowers, decorating our home or taking photos.
8. I'm not afraid of making mistakes...I take tons of pics to get the perfect one and I have plenty of paintings that are really horrid (I paint over top of them).

A few of my fave creativity books:
1. Women who Run with Wolves-Dr. Clarissa Pinkola Estes
2. The Creative Habit-Twyla Tharp 
3. The 12 Secrets of Highly Creative Women-Gail McMeekin
3. Finding your Visual Voice-Dakota Mitchell
5. Celebrate Your Creative Self-Mary Todd Beam
6. The New Creative Artist  -Nita Leland
7. Art + Quilt: Design Principles and Creative Exercises -Lyric Kinard
How do you invite and infuse creativity into your lives? What are some specific things you do? I would love to know!